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Feeling Foolish · Nov 15, 2006, 12:36 PM

I've been married to my husband for a little over a year. We have 5 children between us. I have 1 boy and he has 4 girls. I think they're part of the reason I've stayed (I know that's never a good idea). I love my husband, but lately I'm frustrated, and completely losing interest in making my marriage work.

When I married my husband I was under the assumption that his finances were pretty much in order. Once we were married I found out that he was extremely behind in child support, owed money to the state for unemployment he collected and wasn't entitled to, and hadn't filed taxes in two years (which of course meant he owed a ridiculous amount of money).

Before married I knew he was without a drivers license due to DWI's (yes plural). I was under the assumption that once he completed a required course he could get it back. Wrong! If your in arrears with child support, you don't get your license.

It gets better... about 5 months ago he was temporarily laid off work. I noticed large amounts of money being spent. He had taken hundreds of dollars out of our checking, charged a ton of money on MY credit card, and charged over a thousand dollars on my COMPANY credit card. My boss was really understanding and is allowing me to pay it back a little at a time (thank god).

The money missing was... of course... because he was using cocaine and prescription pills. I told him he needed to leave until I figured out what I wanted to do. I took him back after a week with 3 stipulations: (obviously) don't do drugs, go to a drug treatment program, and get a part time job. I felt bad for him, being as his family was extremely unsupportive.

As of 3 weeks ago, I gave him a drug test, and he was clean. He worked a part time job for 2 weeks, but was let go. He went to drug counseling for about 3 1/2 months.

I feel like I'm back to square one. He has not seen or even called his couselor in about a month and a half, even though I remind him to at least 3 times a week. He has not gotten another part time job. I don't know if he's using, but I haven't been missing large sums of money. However, he has decided to get himself a credit card (another completely unnecessary bill!! )

I've had to pick up a second job, and we still can't get ahead. I'm resentful and angry a lot. I feel like I'm doing everything. He's the one who has created the financial mess we're in, and don't think he's doing his part to fix it. I don't want to work 2 jobs, but feel like I don't have a choice. I also have to listen to him complain about my second job (bartending) because I'm normally gone until 3 in the morning, but it works for me because I only have to work a few days to make the same amount of money I would in 2 weeks somewhere else.

On top of this, he barely contributes to the household duties. He fixes dinner almost every night (although I think he should, he gets home no less than 3 hours before me), and does the dishes every now and again. I cover everything else, laundry, cleaning the entire house, making lunches, cleaning up after the dog, etc. When I get home we eat, and then he usually sits on the couch and falls asleep until I wake him up to go to bed.

I need some unbiased advice. I've talked to friends and family, but they're typically on my side. I don't know if I have the energy or even want to make this work anymore. I love him, but I beginning to think sometimes that isn't enough.

shygrneyzs · Nov 15, 2006, 12:40 PM

You need to ask yourself, "Am I better off with or without him?" I would say you are better off without him.

JoeCanada76 · Nov 15, 2006, 01:01 PM

Husband and wife are supposed to work through everything. Whether it has to do with health, wealth, poor, sick... You took those vows. If you think he is a danger to you and the children then I would worry about it. It does sound like it puts a lot of stress on you. There are different circumstances in each family and it is not always fair. You need to ask yourself could you be in there for the long haul, or would you whether be out of it. See now if your out of it. You need to ask yourself where will the children go. Would you want to keep them with you until he proved himself to have a stable work and drug free, because really if the courts new about drug abuse and no job, his parental rights could be taking away temperoarly while he getes his stuff together.

Love is the most important support in a persons life but you are right when everybody needs to find a balance because it won't be a happy life if you are always feeling like your being taken advantage of.

Joe

ordinaryguy · Nov 15, 2006, 02:04 PM

Originally Posted by Feeling Foolish

I've been married to my husband for a little over a year. We have 5 children between us. I have 1 boy and he has 4 girls. I think they're part of the reason I've stayed (I know that's never a good idea). I love my husband, but lately I'm frustrated, and completely losing interest in making my marriage work.

....

I need some unbiased advice. I've talked to friends and family, but they're typically on my side. I don't know if I have the energy or even want to make this work anymore. I love him, but I beginning to think sometimes that isn't enough.

Sounds to me like you're the only one doing any work. Oh, I take it back, he cooks dinner and washes dishes occasionally. That's better than nothing I guess, but it hardly compensates for stealing you blind, failing to support his kids, and refusing to get help or work even part time. Does he have custody of his 4 girls, or do they live with his ex? Otherwise why would he owe child support? If you aren't pulling the rug out from under them, I'd say leave his sorry a$$ and get free of responsibility for his stupid self-destructive debts. This is obviously not a recent or temporary lifestyle he's taken up, but a well-honed act as a hopeless case. It's easy to see why you're Feeling Foolish, because it sounds like a lot of who he is was already well-documented and on display before you married him. I know, wishful thinking can overwhelm even the best evidence, but it may be time to chalk it up as an expensive lesson in the school of hard knocks and do what you can to limit the damage. Letting it go on like this is clearly not in anybody's interest, not even his. How many last chances you should give him is for you to judge, but marriage vows do not include a promise to be a professional enabler. Don't let guilt or shame keep you from doing what you know needs to be done. Courage, friend, and let us know how it goes.

valinors_sorrow · Nov 16, 2006, 10:00 AM

I think its time to call it a day on the basis that he didn't meet the criteria for your continued involvement. You said it yourself so now its time to act on it. It can be a rude awakening but love is not enough for sick people, and I don't mean sick pervert, I mean sick dysfunctional. And having been one myself, I can unequivocally say that life needs to hand us consequences in order to effect change. I eventually chose recovery in all its manifestations and live a happy "normal" LOL life now but not before I racked up a TON of failure. I had to take actions to get where I am now. And so will he. And if he isn't willing, then you shouldn't be either. Otherwise its like Guy said, you enable him and hurt both of you. Not good.

talaniman · Nov 28, 2006, 05:05 AM

If he is not willing to change and put his life in order, get out because as he falls, you will be dragged down also. Sorry, but you must protect yourself and your child from this monster, or you will feel a lot worse than foolish. Don't listen to any lies as he has proven to be good at deceit, His actions are what counts.

Feeling Foolish · Dec 12, 2006, 09:33 AM

To those that replied to my post, I want to say thank you. To clarify my first post, my son lives with me, but the girls live with their mothers. I finally decided to ask my husband to leave. It's been almost a month since I asked him to leave. We are going to marriage counseling, but I have a feeling it isn't going to help. He still hasn't taken any responsibility for the financial damage he's cause, and of course I get to pay for the counseling as well. He has not respected my space either (although the couselor recommended he back off for a while). I also found another credit card he opened (and spend $500 in 7 days). I have found more evidence of consistent drug use, and he's now been stealing passwords for my e-mails, etc. to check up on me. I think I've lost the fight. I pretty sure that I want to completely end this marriage. I just haven't figured out how to tell him. Any suggestions on how to tell him without me looking like a complete b#$%h??

ordinaryguy · Dec 12, 2006, 03:17 PM

Originally Posted by Feeling Foolish

I think I've lost the fight. I pretty sure that I want to completely end this marriage. I just haven't figured out how to tell him. Any suggestions on how to tell him without me looking like a complete b#$%h???

Forgive me, but YOU'RE worried that he will think you're a b!tch for kicking his sorry a$$ out?? That's not even an issue as far as I can see. The real problem is how to actually get him to physically go. For that, you may have to enlist the police if he's as much of a leech as he seems. This has gone on way too long, and he obviously has no serious intention of getting his act together. You owe it to him, as well as yourself, to let him start to suffer the consequences of his own bad choices. Get on with it, and don't waste a minute worrying how it looks to him or anybody else.

Feeling Foolish · Dec 12, 2006, 03:22 PM

Physically he is out of the house... at least I've done that much. I think I'm just trying to get up the courage to tell him I want a divorce.

talaniman · Dec 12, 2006, 04:37 PM

Let your lawyer, or an officer of the court tell him, when he gets served with papers for divorce. That's the easy way, and why not make it easy on yourself?

ordinaryguy · Dec 12, 2006, 04:51 PM

Originally Posted by Feeling Foolish

Physically he is out of the house... at least I've done that much. I think I'm just trying to get up the courage to tell him I want a divorce.

Good for you! The hard part's done. Tal's right, let somebody else tell him.

Feeling Foolish · Dec 12, 2006, 05:01 PM

What should I do about the rest of his things that are still in the house? If I have him come get them or bring them to him, I'll obviously have to see him. I'm trying to avoid an argument, because I am completely argued out. And to be perfectly honest I don't want to be anywhere near him.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 12, 2006, 05:33 PM

Originally Posted by Feeling Foolish

What should I do about the rest of his things that are still in the house? If I have him come get them or bring them to him, I'll obviously have to see him. I'm trying to avoid an argument, because I am completely argued out. And to be perfectly honest I don't want to be anywhere near him.

That is his concern, not yours. Pack the stuff up in boxes if you must and stuff them in a spare room and close the door. But that's it. It should be dealt with by him somewhere in the process of getting divorced. He needs to make arrangements to get it, and if he does, suggest a public place where you can make the hand off. Enlist the help of a preferably male friend to go with you or even a police officer, if you fear violence. If by the time you are divorced its not been dealt with, let's cross that bridge then, okay? Oh and change the locks on the house. And take Tal's advice about the papers served tell him he is getting divorced. None of this is meant to be mean to him, its meant to minimize exposure to each other, which is good for both of you.

ordinaryguy · Dec 12, 2006, 05:36 PM

Could you take his stuff to his place when he's not home and leave it? Or maybe take it to a mutual acquaintance's place? Or rent a storage space for 1 month and send him the key. I'm sure you can figure something out.

miss22 · Dec 12, 2006, 05:49 PM

Marriage is a promise to be by his side for richer for poorer until death do you part. I know it's hard for you and you are probably exhausted between working two long jobs, taking care of your 5 children and tending to the house. I honestly believe with all my heart that you should stay with him, but changes have to be made. Changes like going to church and allowing God to take control of the marriage. You were married under God but you have to stay married under God. If you think it's a waiste of time test God in this and see if he will not move in your husband, children, finances and of course marriage.

Malachi 3:10
Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, “I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!

What can it hurt for you to try! I don't even know you but I would love to know that you are blessed!

Feeling Foolish · Dec 12, 2006, 06:30 PM

While I do appreciate the advice Miss22 I don't believe this qualifies for richer or poorer. That I could accept. It's the lies, the manipulation, and the continued drug use that are the problem. If I stick this out I feel that I won't be any good to anyone. Not myself, or my son, and he is unlimately the most important. When my son had surgery, he was given vicadin (which he opted not to take). The perscription was in my home for less than 24 hours, and my husband took some, and tried to cover it up by pouring water into the bottle, and then, of course denied it. This is only 1 incident. Is this what marriage vows include? Maybe it's my opinion, but I don't believe that this type of behavior is included in for richer or poorer, until death do you part. I'm not overly religious, but I do believe in God, and I believe it's him who's helped me make it this far. I'm not trying to be overdramatic. However, I am trying to be realistic.

Just an update for all those who have been nice enough to give me their advice. I filed for divorce yesterday. I found another baggie of cocaine in my house and decided that was my last straw. He did not take the news well. He turned into a person I had never seen before!! He threatened to kill me, and to tell my son that he was going to do this. I've taken all the right steps to protect myself (police, restraining order, security system, etc.). I think I've made the best decision I could have made. Prolonging the marriage would have only ended in financial disaster as well as possible physical abuse. Thank you for all your advice, it has been greatly appreciated.

jrussole · Dec 19, 2006, 08:44 AM

Love in a marriage isn't enough. It takes two to tango. If he is mis-stepping or not joining the dance than you cannot do the dance together without him. Let him dance on his own for the time being, maybe he will come back with a better step!

Or you'll be able to freedance, instead.