[giggles96]

My husband and I have been married for 11 months. I recently discovered that he's been talking to another woman behind my back (the second time in three months and a different woman from the first time). The first time this happened he explained that he was talking to her for a friend. I let it go and he promised to be more open and honest with me. However, three days ago I discovered another woman's number in his cell phone. The phone records show that he always talks to her during the day or early evening, when I'm not around. There were also several calls where I remember him telling me he was talking to one of his guy friends, but the records disprove that. I confronted him and he explained she is just a friend. But then why the secrecy? I also found evidence that doesn't match up with an explanation he gave me about his whereabouts one particular day and the phone records confirm that he had called her the night before. I am so confused and don't know if I should leave him. He swears that he has never cheated on me, but keeping secrets and lying is, in my eyes, cheating. If something is totally innocent, why hide it? I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again and what is a marriage without trust? I am so scared of being hurt by this again.

[Depressed in MO]

Sorry to be so blunt, but he is cheating. I could share some similar stories with you. I am still with my guy who cheats on me all the time-they will continue to do so even after being caught several times.
It's not easy no matter which way you go. I'm so sorry.

[CaptainForest]

I see 2 options here

1) He is cheating on you
2) You are a jealous wife

Here is a question for you. Are you the type of person that will get all jealous and go off on him for having a platonic relationship with a female friend?

If the answer is YES, then perhaps he is just keeping ot from you to avoid a fight.

However, if the answer is NO, then odds are he is cheating on you.

Unfortunately, cheating in marriages does occur.

I saw on the TV last night that Actor Donald Sutherland had an affair with Jane Fonda back in the 1970s. Sad really, I mean, why would you try and piss off Tommy Douglas by cheating on his daughter?

Back to the point, I think he is cheating on you. First time, maybe an innocent mistake. But a second time and you have proof he is lying to you? All the red flags are there.

[Depressed in MO]

You are married! He should not be talking to any females except for you, with the exception of relatives or someone that you knew he was close friends with before you were all married. I firmly believe that oppositte sex close friendship-relationships (if you will) should involve both you and your husband having the same friendship with this person. The fact that you don't know this person and he has been hiding it from you goes to show that he is doing something wrong-even if he is not sleeping with her... yet.

I know most of what I just typed is not understandable, but the last part of it is and I am telling you-she is getting the better part of him, not you.

[kp2171]

You are married! He should not be talking to any females except for you, with the exception of relatives or someone that you knew he was close friends with before you were all married.

As a husband in a healthy, happy relationship... married for 6 strong years and many to come, i could not disagree with you more.

Obviously a person needs to be aware of anything that takes vital energy away from the relationship... but to say that you should have no friendship with another person of opposite sex that you meet after marriage... well, that's just absolutely sad. If you cannot trust your spouse, then you married the wrong person (one who shouldn't have taken the vows) or you shouldn't have been married in the first place (for the lack of an ability to trust).

My wife and I spend a lot of time on our relationship... and this does make it less likely that you would have the time to begin a lot of new friendships, especially meaningful ones... but... I don't know... maybe my relationship is strange... if my wife goes out and has a drink with a guy from work or wherever... fine. She's coming home to me.

And I say this as a guy who has been cheated on my two previous gf's... in relationships that were 6 years and 2 years along. You find the right person and you're both dedicated to your vows... everything else then is easy.

Depressed in mo - I know your situation has been bad. I've read your posts and given you advice. But I think you've also chosen to be with a person who wasn't trustworthy over and over.

To tell a newly married person her husband is cheating, period, is just projecting your frustrations onto others. He might be. She might also be a really insecure person... and it sounds to me like she's a little obsessed with tracking this guys every move.

Moments like this are when I'm glad I'm married to my wife.

[talaniman]

Way back in the 70's when my wife and I first got together I introduced her to all of my female friends and to my surprise they became her friends as well and now 30 years later we all can get together for picnics, concerts, and almost any social event. My point is if there is nothing to hide then then don't act guilty by hiding something. It's a good rule of thumb for me that if I can't tell my wife then maybe I shouldn't do it. :cool: :rolleyes:

[Depressed in MO]

KP-thanks for the reply but no need to attack.

The guy is lying to her. She said so. That is why I said all that I said. Had that not have been mentioned, I would not have shared my thought because I wouldn't have thought that way.
There is nothing wrong with being friends with the oppositte sex after marriage, but both husband and wife should know about it. It's common courtesy so that nothing embarrassing happens say for example: your wife is having a drink with a guy co worker at a local bar after work. She didn't tell you... you just happen to go in with some of your buddies and have a drink yourself-oh-there she is. Even though nothing may be going on, it looks bad and it is disrespectful.

[s_cianci]

You are correct in that if everything is on the up-and-up then there's no need to hide anything. He is guilty of cheating, in spirit if not literally. I'd give him an ultimatum ; either them or you. If he insists on having his lady "friends" then it's without you in his life. Start networking to find a good divorce lawyer just in case. You've been married for only 11 months so hopefully you don't have any children yet. Hopefully he'll get the message and come to his senses and end it with these other women.

[phillysteakandcheese]

Let's not jump to conclusions just yet... Talking is not cheating.

There's not a lot of information in your post, but it sounds like you have other reasons to think your new husband is cheating.

Did something happen while you were dating, or was "talking" actually "cheating" last time?

[kp2171]

Omg

How freakin sexist is it to say a guy cannot be friends with a girl if married.

I know men can cheat. I know women can cheat. Believe me, I know that.

But if you think the only reason why a guy should hang with a friend that is a girl is to get a piece... I know it happens... but maybe this is why the divorce rate is so high. Not because of cheating, but because of screwed of conceptions about right and wrong and what makes a good marriage.

Those of you who say he's cheating... why isn't the idea of the wife being overly nosy and suspicious even a possibility? Is it possible that there is a self esteem issue? Even remotely? Before you declare the marriage burning down in flames why not think through ALL the possibilities?

never thought i'd be labeled a bad husband because i have a friend who has a uterus.

Unbelievable.

[aqua@home]

Giggles,

I have to say that if a person has reason to believe someone is cheating then they probably are. Unless you are just hypersensitive. If you believe that a man and a woman can be just friends then great. However, a relationship should be open and honest. If he has nothing to hide then he shouldn't hide anything. As another person said, he might feel he has to hide it because he is afraid of your reaction. I had to learn to tone down a little and I find my husband and children can be much more open when they are not afraid of my reaction. Maybe you could invite yourself along when he wants to meet his "friend" or invite her over? Maybe not. Either way if you don't have trust you're going to be in trouble in the future. I would be very hurt too if he'd promised to be more open. If this was me, I would definitely think he was cheating simply because he is hiding it. That's enough for me!

Take care and good luck.

[Depressed in MO]

omg

how freakin sexist is it to say a guy cannot be friends with a girl if married.

i know men can cheat. i know women can cheat. believe me, i know that.

but if you think the only reason why a guy should hang with a friend that is a girl is to get a piece......... i know it happens...... but maybe this is why the divorce rate is so high. not because of cheating, but because of screwed of conceptions about right and wrong and what makes a good marriage.

those of you who say he's cheating .....why isnt the idea of the wife being overly nosy and suspicious even a possibility? is it possible that there is a self esteem issue? even remotely? before you declare the marriage burning down in flames why not think through ALL the possibilities?

never thought i'd be labeled a bad husband because i have a friend who has a uterus.

unbelievable.

Dude, I bet you and WildCat are real good friends...
You know what? You are right, there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex while you are committed to someone else. But here in the real world, it doesn't work exactly like that. The woman just got married. This guy is giving more of his "quality" time speaking to other women than with his own wife. The fact that he had to hide this from her (let's not forget this is the SECOND time) goes to show that he is doing something wrong-and he knows it himself.

So, to whoever it was who started this question, just to be fair and not jump to conclusions as some people may think you are (however, half of us don't) tell your husband "OK, so you have a new lady female friend. Why don't we all go out for drinks and talk so I can meet her too?" See what he says-see how he acts. Chances are, she doesn't even know about you.

[Krs]

You are married! He should not be talking to any females except for you, with the exception of relatives or someone that you knew he was close friends with before you were all married. I firmly believe that oppositte sex close friendship-relationships (if you will) should involve both you and your husband having the same friendship with this person. The fact that you don't know this person and he has been hiding it from you goes to show that he is doing something wrong-even if he is not sleeping with her...yet.

I know most of what i just typed is not understandable, but the last part of it is and I am telling you-she is getting the better part of him, not you.

I said Spot on, but actually almost spot on.
Firstly there is NO harm with a husband or a wife talking to a person of the opposite sex, god if we couldn't it means we are going back 50 odd years. But you're lying or being secretive about it than that where the problems start, because if its all genuine then why hide it, so I don't blame you for being all suspicious.

[kp2171]

You know what? You are right, there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex while you are committed to someone else. But here in the real world, it doesn't work exactly like that.

no. I have relationship with a person who has lots of guy friends... and you'd better believe that our world and relationship is more "real" than many of the disillusioned relationships I've seen other waste their time on. It CAN work that way. It SHOULD work that way. And I can tell you when it's a strong relationship it DOES work that way.

I don't know. Maybe people in strong relationships believe in the positives first and people who have been hurt and in bad relationships just believe in the worst.

But, there is some truth there. In the real world half of marriages end in divorce. In the real world people choose to be with a mate who lies, who has a history of bad decisions, who makes abusuve or destructive choices about their lives. It happens. I've been in two relationships where the other person snuck around and cheated. Stayed in one much too long. Most people probably find themselves in a relationship along the way where the other person is just not on the same page. So yeah, it happens. And people can and do sneak and cheat.

The fact that he had to hide this from her (let's not forget this is the SECOND time) goes to show that he is doing something wrong-and he knows it himself.

I would say there is something wrong. His hiding his actions are not good for the marriage... yes, even if the female is simply a friend she shouldn't have to dig around to find out the truth. My contention is that it might, just might, be two sided. I know a person who is absolutely controlling of her mates time. viciously mean if he spends time away from her, guy or girl. Some people are untrusting by their nature, and sometimes to an extent that is unhealthy or unwarranted.

Some people live their lives with destructive men. Some people destruct their lives around decent men. It happens.

...just to be fair and not jump to conclusions as some people may think you are (however, half of us don't) tell your husband "OK, so you have a new lady female friend. Why don't we all go out for drinks and talk so I can meet her too?" See what he says-see how he acts. Chances are, she doesn't even know about you.

The most reasonable thing I've heard so far.

Sorry to be so blunt, but he is cheating.

...just to be fair and not jump to conclusions ...

Consider the possibility that he is, but do not jump to this conclusion as well (as half of us also agree) without more information. I guess I'd like to believe in the best possibility... that the marriage isn't yet pronounced dead and over. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not enough of a pessimist or cynic. I just don't feel like telling another person that the spouse IS cheating without better knowledge.

He might very well be cheating. She might very well be untrusting. Heaven help them if its both.

[Depressed in MO]

no. i have relationship with a person who has lots of guy friends... and you'd better believe that our world and relationship is more "real" than many of the disillusioned relationships ive seen other waste their time on. it CAN work that way. it SHOULD work that way. and i can tell you when its a strong relationship it DOES work that way.

i dunno. maybe people in strong relationships believe in the positives first and people who have been hurt and in bad relationships just believe in the worst.

but, there is some truth there. in the real world half of marriages end in divorce. in the real world people choose to be with a mate who lies, who has a history of bad decisions, who makes abusuve or destructive choices about their lives. it happens. ive been in two relationships where the other person snuck around and cheated. stayed in one much too long. most people probably find themselves in a relationship along the way where the other person is just not on the same page. so yeah, it happens. and people can and do sneak and cheat.



i would say there is something wrong. his hiding his actions are not good for the marriage... yes, even if the female is simply a friend she shouldnt have to dig around to find out the truth. my contention is that it might, just might, be two sided. i know a person who is absolutely controlling of her mates time. viciously mean if he spends time away from her, guy or girl. some people are untrusting by their nature, and sometimes to an extent that is unhealthy or unwarranted.

some people live their lives with destructive men. some people destruct their lives around decent men. it happens.



the most reasonable thing ive heard so far.




consider the possibility that he is, but do not jump to this conclusion as well (as half of us also agree) without more information. i guess i'd like to believe in the best possibility... that the marriage isn't yet pronounced dead and over. i dunno. maybe im just not enough of a pessimist or cynic. i just dont feel like telling another person that the spouse IS cheating without better knowledge.



he might very well be cheating. she might very well be untrusting. heaven help them if its both.

You are right-people shouldn't be pessimists-and it is very difficult for those who have only been in bad relationships to be opposite of one-but you are right. I just read all this stuff and I'm thinking... I am going through that right now, and I know the truth, and it is not good and it is not right-but my life is not everybody else's life. Maybe I should not give my opinion like so, it just seems that the things I read about are so typical in my life and it's hard for me to see it any other way but bad because it's never been that way for me. So anyway-all apologies if I have given wrongful opinions...

[kp2171]

dont apologize about your opinions. Pick mine apart all you want. Ill learn more from people who challenge my opinion than from those who simply agree. By the time were done well both probably learn some things.

Your comment about wanting to meet the friend is probably one of the best suggestions so far.

If she can inquire and ask about this person, ask to meet her, and if he's very resistant...

... well then there IS a huge problem.

And one way or another, they both need to come to some understanding. If she's just resistant to his having friends who are female then he needs to respect that and try to pay her more attention. If she's getting attention but just jealous she needs to trust him and understand strong friendships can make her relationship better too. And if he's fooling around on her, well the sooner she knows this, the better.

But the point about meeting the friend at some point is valid, and maybe a good way to see if he really is doing more behind the scenes that talking.

[Depressed in MO]

dont apologize about your opinions. pick mine apart all you want. ill learn more from people who challenge my opinion than from those who simply agree. by the time were done well both probably learn some things.

your comment about wanting to meet the friend is probably one of the best suggestions so far.

if she can inquire and ask about this person, ask to meet her, and if hes very resistant....

....well then there IS a huge problem.

and one way or another, they both need to come to some understanding. if shes just resistant to his having friends who are female then he needs to respect that and try to pay her more attention. if shes getting attention but just jealous she needs to trust him and understand strong friendships can make her relationship better too. and if hes fooling around on her, well the sooner she knows this, the better.

but the point about meeting the friend at some point is valid, and maybe a good way to see if he really is doing more behind the scenes that talking.

I agree. His reaction alone when she suggests meeting the new friend may be all she really needs.

[kp2171]

and the one big issue with my reasoning, that things might be fine, that she might be overreacting... that he might just value friendships that she's overly sensitive about... is the friendships only work if the relationship is strong.

and I'm not sure how strong it is. Is he sneaking because she's overly jealous and its driving him mad or because he's looking for satisfaction outside the marriage.

neither is sustainable for long term health of the marriage.

[Wildcat21]

I think he is cheating. She's caught him lying already. 3rd time.

Women's gut instincts I have found are usually 100% correct.

This is also emotional cheating which can be just as bad or worse.

Did he cheat before you were married??

[Depressed in MO]

Wildcat, so-should a woman be a ***** in order to get what she wants just as a man should be a jerk?