[LetsGoPens87]

Hello all, I have read many threads but felt I need to make my own post. Here is a background on the situation I am in. I have had a girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, I am 25 and she is 26. We attended college together and basically lived with one another for the first year and a half of our relationship. Everything was perfect then, always doing new things together, going to rock concerts (which we both love), going to tons of hockey games, going to movies, talking for hours on the phone, always making love, etc. Every time we passed a jewelry store she would always point out her favorite type of ring so I knew what to get when the time was right. In addition, we signed an apartment lease 1 month ago, started moving her stuff in, and I even did some repairs on it! Every time we talked on the phone she would always call me her soul mate, her best friend, and her lover... all of which I could say about her.

Things began to drastically change about 4-5 months ago when she graduated from college and moved back home (about 1 hour away from my college) while I had one more semester to finish up. Things started to get rough because she works 5 days a week, and I could rarely see her due to my classes. On top of this, every time I went out to visit her we did the same things and stopped doing new things. Being so far from each other also caused us to fight a lot about little things both on the phone and when we were together. This also caused our affection towards one another to diminish. When I tried to kiss her she would turn her head or start talking, she would try to put her arm around me and I would stick my hand in my pockets, etc.

About 3 weeks after our 2-1/2 year anniversary, I went to meet her for lunch and she started going off on me, saying that we don't communicate anymore, we fight too much, we don't make love any more, I don't try to be friends with her friends, etc. I tried to go through and explain each problem she had, but she was having none of it. We sat in silence for about one hour and I told her I had to go and we hugged while she cried in my arms.

She called me the next day and I asked when I could come see her, and she proceeded to tell me that I couldn't because she hadn't moved her bed into the new apartment and there wasn't enough room on the couch. I told her I would sleep on the floor if it meant saving the relationship and she told me she wouldn't let me do that. We talked for the next 6-7 days consecutively, where she tells me I am not working hard enough to find a job (which I had been doing since the beginning of the semester), we still don't talk enough (I try to talk to her, but she always says she has nothing to talk about), I need to show her I care other ways than buying her things (referring to the dozen of roses I bought her for our anniversary), etc. This hurt me deeply. The very next day, one week before my final exams started, we talked for about 4 hours and both agreed on a breakup (although I was really strongly against it) due to lack of communication, her not being happy, and her more or less being confused with everything going on. We both cried over the phone and she said all she wanted to do was come out and hold me, but I said that probably isn't the best idea.

Since the break, she has been calling me way more than she did when we were dating and feels the need to tell me why we broke up every time we talk. She says that we need to work on building back our friendship before we can rebuild a relationship, yet says she does not know whether she wants to date again.

I'm sorry for the long message, but I have no idea what is going on here. First I think we are at a very confusing time being that I graduate in one week and we were going to get a place. Then I think that she really has lost interest in me, but why would she be calling me 3-4 times a day seeing how I am and what I am doing that day. I have read about the NC thing, but does that apply in this situation? We still say we love each other, we agree we are one another's best friends, and we agree we do not want to lose each other.

All in all... HELP!!

[amicon]

I see no communication between you that's aimed at rebuilding the relationship. Her feelings have changed and you're hanging around in limbo waiting for something to change. I would tell her that you're going no contact and that you only want to hear from her if she's honestly willing to start over again by the two of you working together to make a go of it. As it is now she is calling all the shots and you need to get your life back and do your own thing.

[redhed35]

Talk about emotional torture!

You try and make a move or suggestion and she knocks it back...

She pulls you in,only to push you away.

It does sounds like she has reached the end of the relationship,however she does not have the guts to go cold turkey..

But I'm guessing she will before long.

Time for you to make a stand..
Go no contact,concentrate on your exams,I would calmly tell her she is not helping your mental state with all the emotional drama.

Instead of a break,how about some head space for you both.

[talaniman]

Breaking up is not the way to rekindle a relationship, or get a friendship back.

Honest communications is. Situations, and circumstances change all the time, and either you work together through honest communications, or you don't.

What stands out on your post is the days and hours of talking, with no clear resolution, or course of action. That tells me its more about feelings, and not facts. So whatever your plan, its not clear, or convincing.

I would say you haven't shown her the confidence that whatever your planning could work, or she has a plan herself that may not include you.

She is already working, so her perspective has changed, and she needs solid back up, and support, and the only way you can make adjustments together, is to talk together.

Partners that cannot communicate, and resolve issues, cannot work together period.

Are you a good listener? Then why did she really break up with you??

[LetsGoPens87]

Thank you for the advice, it is helping me so far.

@talaniman:

I feel I am a good listener. Specifically I remember times when she was student teaching and living in a bigger city, she had called me multiple times in tears. I listened and talked to her for hours about her problems and feel that I am the main reason she did not quit student teaching on multiple occasions.

You are spot on when you say that we are talking with no clear course of action. It is basically conversation which involves her rationalizing our break up and why she wants to do it. The main reason she has been saying we do not communicate lately is because we both have had the same routine every day for the past four months. She teaches and I go to class. Also she likes to talk about teaching a lot, and I love listening, but I can rarely relate to the situation so I do not have much to say back.

Although she has mentioned a few of the problems before, and I have put in an honest effort to make friends with her friends and communicate better, it wasn't until that time spent in her car where I started hearing all these new problems she has with the relationship. And then more new problems followed in the days I tried to talk with her and explain the old problems.

I am just confused right now, and more or less tired... this is a tough time for both of us. I will be entering the real world by graduating in a week and she just moved out of her parents house into her own apartment while trying to find a permanent teaching job. Ugh!

[talaniman]

I think you focus on your own future, and not jump into anything easy at this point. Plan on doing your own thing when you graduate, and supporting yourself.

She doesn't sound like she is interested in getting closer, but is unable to fully let you go at this time. Thats another red flag, holding on to something familiar while she figures things out.

For your part though, you enable this kind of behavior by trying to explain and fix, instead of dealing with facts in a straight forward manner.

Just me, after a break up its important to let them go, and be less available, not more. This allows the emotional dust to settle so you can get the facts in perspective, and not just get carried away by your feelings of loss. Then you can recognize the changes, and know how to adjust in your own interest.

We often ignore the obvious out of concern, or conditioning, and take actions out of emotions and feelings. That makes for a very narrow and clouded view, that makes for impulsive and desperate actions that are doomed to fail.

Its time to back up, and gain a realistic perspective, that requires you to pay closer attention to her words, and actions, and see if they match.

I would say she is rapidly losing confidence in this relationship, but doesn't have the skills yet, to know what to do about it, except break up, and that is a stepping slowly away from you.

If all she has are excuses to leave, and no solid plans to work together, she is not so confused about the future of this romance, its over, but she is holding on for now, because she has no clear plan of action for doing something better, or different.

When she does, I doubt she will even need you any more, as a friend, or otherwise.

Yes, you have been demoted to the friend zone, and the only way out is with your own clear actions, independent of her altogether.

Whatever is up with her, her decision have to be made without your influence.

[I wish]

The others have already provided great advice about honest communication, so I'm going to suppliment their advice with a different angle.

The problem I see with this relationship is the fact that she's working and you're still in school. You might not see this, but there's a huge gap between someone working full-time and someone still studying.

After you've stabilized your life and starting your life in the working force, I suspect that there will be less pressure and strain on your relationship.

Hopefully you're graduating soon and hopefully you'll have a decent job when you're done school. If you continue to be in school or unemployed, the gap between the two of you will continue to grow and you will have to work extremely hard and have a non-stop strong communication system to maintain your relationship.

[talaniman]

I wish makes some great points as she has goals and aspirations and its important she knows so do you.

[LetsGoPens87]

Thanks for everything. I am going to tell her that my wishes are to cut off communication for a while so we can re-evaluate our situations. I am going to finish up school (graduating with a 3.4 GPA in Accounting!) this week and pursue my job search in my hometown.

[talaniman]

That sounds like a good plan as that more important than chasing someone that doesn't want to be caught by you!

[amicon]

Good luck and take care.

[LetsGoPens87]

Not sure if this has been asked before... but I am going to try the NC thing. The ex has not called me yet today, but I was wondering something. What do I do if I get angry voicemails/texts from her?

This is the type of caring girl she is, although we have broken up, she will still call me every day and leave voicemails, etc. If I do not return them, she will call my roommates/friends to see if they talked to me. If she can't contact them, she will ultimately call my parents telling them she is worried about me and will want to know why I am not returning her calls. This will probably turn to anger and she will demand to talk to me by calling my roommates and telling them to hand me their phone.

Maybe I am just too nice, but it seems kind of mean to cut off all communication with a girl that has declared me her best friend and vice versa. I don't know, I guess Im just confused and need some guidance. It seems as though in my situation that going NC would make matters worse with us, which is the last thing I want.

[Devorameira]

I am sorry about the breakup, but before you can move on you need to accept the reality of your situation - She broke up with you. Let reality sink in. Don’t allow yourself to harbor secret fantasies of getting back together or how she’s going to come crawling back to you. Respect that this chapter of your life may have closed. There's always a slight possibility that she'll change her mind, but will things really ever be the same?

If you go the NC route just remember that no contact means NO contact. It probably does seem cruel to a nice guy like yourself, but it may be the only thing out there for you to try. Good luck!

------------------------------------------


"The funny thing about breakups is they point out what we didn't even know we had, but don't give us the option of going back into battle armed with that knowledge."

[emopunk7]

Hey, I'm majoring in accounting as well. My GPA is 3.3 but hopefully it will go up after this semester! Is accounting fun? Any information you can pass down my way? I'm really excited for it. I was taking architecture but I think the position I am looking for would take me till I'm 50... lol So accounting seems more suitable for a family as far as income and its up there as far as professions go. I have 40 credits and 24 and I am smart enough to become anything I want so why not accounting. Plus I love math. Just finished calculus last semester and got an A. I love numbers! Any pointers? Thank you in advance.

[LetsGoPens87]

Hey, I'm majoring in accounting as well. My GPA is 3.3 but hopefully it will go up after this semester! Is accounting fun? Any information you can pass down my way? I'm really excited for it. I was taking architecture but I think the position I am looking for would take me till I'm 50...lol So accounting seems more suitable for a family as far as income and its up there as far as professions go. I have 40 credits and 24 and I am smart enough to become anything I want so why not accounting. Plus I love math. Just finished calculus last semester and got an A. I love numbers! Any pointers? Thank you in advance.

Accounting is an awesome field to get into when you think that you are basically running a business by accounting for their money. Always remember that accounting is not all math though, there is also a lot of methodology which you need to get down pat. You didn't tell me what year you are in college, but from the sound of your credits it looks as if you are a junior? That's when accounting started getting fun for me because I had all of my liberal studies courses out of the way and could focus solely on accounting courses. Stick with it and you will be sure to find a job straight out of college.

Also make sure you network as much as possible while in college, I can't emphasize that enough.

[I wish]

NC is about healing from your break up and not trying to win your ex back.

Any break up is painful and regardless of whether you get her back or not, you still need to heal from the pains that you are suffering.

So when you enter into NC, be sure to be focusing on healing and not generating false hope for yourself. Otherwise, you will be setting yourself for more agony and disappointment.

Remember, she already knows how you feel about her, so it's up to her whether she wants to come back to you. You don't need to constantly remind her of how you feel. Cutting communication from one another is not mean, it's about giving each other some space to think without the influence of the other person. NC allows you to reflect on your situation from an objective point of view.

[LetsGoPens87]

NC is about healing from your break up and not trying to win your ex back.

Any break up is painful and regardless of whether you get her back or not, you still need to heal from the pains that you are suffering.

So when you enter into NC, be sure to be focusing on healing and not generating false hope for yourself. Otherwise, you will be setting yourself for more agony and disappointment.

Remember, she already knows how you feel about her, so it's up to her whether she wants to come back to you. You don't need to constantly remind her of how you feel. Cutting communication from one another is not mean, it's about giving each other some space to think without the influence of the other person. NC allows you to reflect on your situation from an objective point of view.

May seem like a silly question to ask... but will I find out she wants to come back to me if we are in NC mode?

[emopunk7]

Of course. If she really wants you, there will always be a way to find you. You can't think of that though.

[amicon]

Don't overthink any of her possible actions in the future-do the NC and do your own thing now.

[LetsGoPens87]

Yea, I guess I am thinking way too much about everything. It just sucks because we are at such confusing times in our lives being that I am graduating and moving home which is 2 hours from her apartment, which we were planning on living in together. When it comes down to it, it seems like I took her for granted this past semester and did not give her the love and caring she deserved because I figured we were going to get a place together upon my graduation and we would have all the time in the world for each other then. Basically I thought our relationship was invincible... not any more.

It just sucks because when I look at my Facebook messages and myspace messages from her, all of which are about 500 words long, they all contain her declaration of love and dedication towards me and all of the wonderful things we did together that particular week(s). These messages say how we are getting a place together, getting married, and how excited we are to grow old together. Another thing that really confuses me about these is the fact that most are only 3-4 months old. Could things have really changed THAT drastically in 3 months?

Someone please show me the light here.