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missbeach123 · Apr 1, 2007, 02:32 PM

Entire story merged

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years consistently starting my senior year in high school. When I went to college in AZ, we stayed together and did the long distance thing and it worked pretty well since I could come see him whenever. He's the kind of guy who is quiet about his feelings, and we never really talked about a future, we have been just taking one day at a time. For the past three months, I've become a little more needy for him, calling, texting, and coming home a lot. I could feel him pull away slightly but he never said anything. One day, I asked him what he thought about our future, and he said he didn't know. Last week, we were arguing and I said "I think we need a break" and to my surprise, he agreed. I don't really want a break, I just wanted to work things out. I saw him face to face and I couldn't change his mind. I asked him what our break would be like, and he said he did not intend to see other people, he just really needed space to deal with his life (he is in a hole ever since he got a dui, and has constant work and community service). I told him how I thought this was a bad idea, and he said he "we'd be on a break until summer" which is in 2 months. I feel hurt and devastated. Im doing my best to give him space, but he's such a huge part of my life. I want him back, even If I have to wait until summer. I asked him to see me, and he won't. So he gets space, what can I do , I don't want to see anyone else I love him. When I did see him, he said it wasn't over for him, which makes me feel more confused. How can I help shorten this break, Im a mess, I can't eat, Im crying constantly, and I want nothing more than to talk to him.

In this siuation, do you think he will come back? Three years, half of that long distance, all gone in a day?
He thinks Im too dependant, which has recently become true, how can I show him I can relax?
Summer is in two months, he said "its not over" when I lost saw him, what do you think will happen?

Im 19, he's 21, were from the same hometown, but I'm in az right now. I want this man back. PLEASE HELP

Jiser · Apr 1, 2007, 03:04 PM

Ok your going to have to face the harsh facts here. First don't think you're the only person in the world who has suffered a relationship loss. Look at all the people on this board, it sux big time I know :(

Now is the time for you to work on yourself completely!

1) Abide by no contact
2) Please treat this as a life experience
3) Ever wanted to do something with your life? Maybe travelling, joining the gym etc? Now is the time to do it. You might have some fear, but do it anyway. ;)
4) Spend time with your friends and family - this is the time now that your realise who are your true friends, they will be your support :)
5) Its going to hurt for a while, maybe even a year. However time will heal, I know in my past and others people have died and I moved on, I think of the happy times now, its in the past and should stay in the past
6) You must give the guy space, he's asked for it, so give it! If you don't he will be gone - probably for ever
7) Go out and party - meet other guys, nothing serious but have fun !
8) Listen to music, read a book, go to the gym, get out and about - DO NOT Sit at home and mope!
9) Come here and rant if you need to, help others, read threads.

missbeach123 · Apr 1, 2007, 03:27 PM

Thank you for the advice it makes me feel a little more in control. But did "were on a break til summer" really mean will get together this summer again? Im so upset, but this statement makes me rely on summer. Im not going to contact him, as hard as that is I think it's the only way. Its been only a day since we last texted, he's so withdrawn. Do you think it will be long before he realizes?

Jiser · Apr 1, 2007, 03:36 PM

No it means nothing, as far as your concerned it's a break up, so treat it as one :)

Book some trips away in the summer so you have stuff to look forward to! I am going to a festival, gran canaria, spain and a kayaking holiday. I find it helps having stuff to look forward to :)

missbeach123 · Apr 4, 2007, 05:46 PM

As I posted earlier, my boyfriend of three years decided after a heated argument that we need a break until summer. His reasons being, I'm smothering him right now (which is impossible since I go to college out of state and see him only on the weekends) and I have been a little needier and jealous than usual. I asked him if it was about wanting to see other people and he said it wasn't and he didn't plan on going on dates in the month and a half until I come home for summer.

Last night I went out drinking and broke the no contact and called: he didn't answer. I called wayyyy to many times because of my drunkenness and this morning he texted me an angry message basically saying that he didn't want to talk to me and he wasn't going to be my boyfriend ever. I think his words were out of anger, and I'm really mad at myself for breaking down. He's just so insensitive about the whole thing, almost like he's gaining confidence every time I say I miss him or break down. He also went off on me, through text, accusing me of trying to see other guys, which is simply not true. Its like, he doesn't want me to see anyone, and yet he won't have me either? All I want is us to be back to normal, and I want to be with him in the summer. I know I need NC, but do you all think he will rebound if I just give him space? Im devastated, we normally have talked everyday since we've been together and now nothing. Any advice I would appriciate, has anyone's partner said they needed space? Has it worked out in any cases?

hair2007 · Apr 4, 2007, 05:55 PM

As you can see contacting him (so many times) made things worse... so you learned, he asked for space. No matter what happens, he wants space. Its hard and it sucs, but do not contact him.
If there is any chance for the two of you, you should give him what he asked for, take some time then see what comes of it. The more you do this the more he will back off. Good luck

missbeach123 · Apr 4, 2007, 06:04 PM

God its so true. I can't tell if I've pushed it too far this time. Im kicking myself. In the beginning I was a queen to him, the girl who had everything going. I always kept a separate life, many times making plans with friends on weekend nights even though I only stay for two nights. Now, I'm too available for him and I know it. I need my confidence back. Do you think a month of NC will be enough space for him? AH his mom would smack him upside the head if she knew... (im 19, he's 21)

talaniman · Apr 5, 2007, 05:18 AM

I think you should leave him alone and get a life of your own as he ain't coming back.

He didn't want to talk to me and he wasn't going to be my boyfriend ever.

Accept that it's over and move on.

Jiser · Apr 5, 2007, 06:41 AM

What talaniman said. I posted I think a pretty much detailed list of things to do in your previous post. It sux big time but I feel much butter now (since my breakup) its was 12th February. The best things are keeping yourself busy, having things to look forward to, spending time with friends, partying and generally having a good ole time. Maybe even reading a book or doing self improvement when alone - which of course is inevitable.

Time will heal your wounds. Won't stop the memories going away but it doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold. Its going to suck for a while but don't let it hold you down forever.

For those who don't know: (the previous question) Go back over and look what was suggested.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ont-78145.html

Tuscany · Apr 5, 2007, 07:06 AM

Drink dialing is a dangerous thing.
He obviously is very very angry.
It is time that no contact be reinstated.
It is important that you stick to it, no calling, no even when you are drunk.
You both need time, respect him and yourself enough to give it to both of you.

missbeach123 · Apr 7, 2007, 12:36 PM

Okay, an update, after the drunk dial I later got a message from him saying "I have to ignore you like this because your not giving me any space with all the calling and texting" so now, I will reinstate no contact. I want to meet up with him so badly on Sunday, but I don't want to show up. I think he doesn't want that.

LBP · Apr 7, 2007, 01:29 PM

How come people are such babies about this whole 'space' thing? What the hell are they doing else in their life that's so important that they 'absolutely' need space, or you're a prick for not giving it?

It's very hard for me to respect things like that. Since when did people become such infants over the most trivial aspects of life?

They have the power to decline to answer calls or pass on a text. It's not like it's a life or death thing - 'I must ignore you now or my entire life will come falling down all around my shoulders! You have driven me to this!' Please. Get over yourself. Just because someone's calling too much doesn't mean they deserve anything less than common curteousy. Are people just raised to be selfish these days?

I've been called often in the past... And calmly telling someone to cool it for a couple of hours until I have time to talk is a doable thing. Also, if a phone conversation is going on too long... You can end it! Your minutes can be running out - this is a reasonable excuse.

So much drama. Yuck. You're better off without this guy. Find a man with a pair of stones who won't go into a fit over the tiniest mistakes. Not worth the effort.

talaniman · Apr 8, 2007, 07:46 AM

missbeach123 disagrees: I think he said that out of anger, I will try to move on, but I don't think its overComments on this post

The whole goal of No contact is for you to heal after a break up. Not to give him time to think and come back to you. That false hope will not allow you to get healthy and build your life that you enjoy without him.

missbeach123 · Apr 8, 2007, 09:09 AM

So update, something felt fishy, I went to his house and there was another girl with him. I was so hurt, he stepped outside with me and explained that it wasn't going to work with us, and he hadn't intended on getting back together with me. He cheated on me with no apologies. I want to die I'm so crushed, I lost all dignity, and asked him to have her leave which he refused. God this hurts so bad I want to die

Morrolan · Apr 8, 2007, 10:21 AM

Originally Posted by missbeach123

So update, something felt fishy, I went to his house and there was another girl with him. I was so hurt, he stepped outside with me and explained that it wasn't going to work with us, and he hadn't intended on getting back together with me. He cheated on me with no apologies. I want to die im so crushed, I lost all dignity, and asked him to have her leave which he refused. God this hurts so bad I want to die

You're obsessing, and you need to stop it. It sounds like he's made it clear to you that you aren't a part of his life romantically anymore. It's time to accept it.

If he said he wanted space and moved on with his life, he did NOT cheat on you. Just because you envision the two of you together, it does not mean he feels the same way. I'm glad he refused to ask her to leave. You had no right expecting him to.

It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt bad. But you need to focus on something else and be happy by yourself. You're going to have longings come out of nowhere, but you need to just turn your attention to something that doesn't include thoughts of him. Trying to force him to come back to will only cause him to react negatively.

missbeach123 · Apr 9, 2007, 12:54 PM

Final Episode. The night after I left his house and he was hanging out with that girl, he texted me and said- I promise she didn't sleep over. I unloaded everything in my arsenal, my anger just poured out and I said every mean thing possible. His response was even stranger: he texted, Lets talk later. I went to his house at 8 o clock and I talked about my week of "space" and he became very jealous. This jealousy made me feel like he still cares... anyway, I started talking about two weeks prior, all the fun things we had done, places we'd gone, things we'd laughed about. He was warm, we were really close in proximity, I felt like I was talking to my boyfriend again. I told him where I went wrong, how he needed to spend more time with his friends and I needed more time with mine: I told him I wasn't looking to plan a future right now, just take things one day at a time. He said the reason he felt he had to end things in the first place was because I had asked him "why are we going to stay together all through college if you don't know what kind of future you want with me" . He said he didn't know about the future, and it was too much pressure. I said the only reason I did that was because I felt pressure from other people to find out where we were headed, but in reality, I'm happy with one day at a time. He told me he loves me, but now he feels it's a bad idea to stay together this summer, knowing that we'll probably break up when I go back to school in the fall. I agreed that the dynamic of our relationship could change. His major reason was freedom. And as for the girl, he had just met her and they were casually watching a movie. Whatever the case is, commitment seems to be too much for him right now. I told him if he ended this with me I was never going to look back, and I told him he didn't have to. THEN he said, if I could be mature about this, and let him think about it overnight, he would tell me on Monday if he wanted to give this thing another try. I said to him, don't bother saying this if your letting me down, I'm sick of dwelling on this, just tell me now if your not planning on truly considering what I've said. He said , No, he was in fact torn, and loves me, and didn't want to give me an answer without thinking seriously about it. And once again, he said, his decision had nothing to do with the other girl, as he said he didn't like her and didn't think he would pursue anything with her. So Its Monday now, Im supposed to talk to him later, I'm prepared for him to say its over, but I think something inside him wants to try. Its silly not to at least try after three years, its like throwing it all away. So its complete freedom vs. trying to make it work, at least for the summer where we both know, we'll be in all the same places anyway. Im prepared, but I hope this isn't going to be IT.

missbeach123 · May 10, 2007, 03:42 AM

The last time I posted was awhile ago. My boyfriend of three years went on a "break" with me, but it turned into a complete break up when I caught him with another women at his house watching a movie, and things have deteriorated since then.

It started with him telling me he wanted to be alone, but as of today, he told me that he wanted to keep seeing this other girl, that he was never going to get back together with me and its over.

Your probably wondering why I am even still talking to the smuck, apparently I like being burned over and over. Every morning I wake up and its like my mind resets, that Matt is still Matt, not some heartless, insensitive ex that is now dating another girl. I can't sleep I can't eat. Nothing makes me happy. I've done the whole go out, go to the gym, meet new people, read books thing. I'm completely miserable and I feel so depressed I sometimes want to die.

My friends tell me its not about him, that him leaving me is a blessing in disguse, that he was a low life anyway. But all I can think of is him and up until today, I had been periodically calling him and trying to get him back, every time to no avail. He started telling me to leave him alone. I am going to now, but I can't seem to get myself out of this funk, I can't seem to heal or get over him.

He was my only love, why? I don't even know. He's not who I would ever marry anyway. For some reason, I can't just move on, I'm constantly obsessed with thoughts of him and her, or I constantly have an aching to talk to him, and when I do, all I get is cold mean responses, nothing that I want to hear.

Its been over a month, and I need help. Please help me get over this. I cry and no tears even come out anymore. I've lost 15 pounds, I cringe at the thought of seeing other guys, all the while, he is with a new girl having the time of his life, not suffering like me at all. HELP ME PLEASE my life is falling apart. My friends don't even want to hear me talk about my situation anymore because it is a dead situation, a clear cut answer: Move on already. I isolate myself, I stopped swimming (which I used to LOVE). I'm crying as I write this, I'm miserable and sick of it. I want to not care about him anymore, because I know he doesn't give a damn about me. I'm just so lost please help me I don't know what to do anymore.

Jiser · May 10, 2007, 03:48 AM

Read over the board and read past questions and advice! If he says he doesn't want you then:

Its time to accept the harsh truth and start the transition to single life. Its hard but whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? More wary in the future and aware what we are looking for in a relationship and a person.

Treat your relationship as a life experience, you might not be able to treasure the memories you had right now but one day you will. Do not regret but learn and move on, as someone much better is just around the next corner.

You must try follow these: (be strong)

1) Abide by no contact, ignorance is bliss so don't go near the 'grape vine'
2) Work on yourself entirely - hobbies, work, gym
3) Ever wanted to do something in your life? Nows the time
4) Spend more time with your friends and family and renew old social ties
5) Box every memory away and stay away from your fav songs for now - when you can look at it without feeling ill - Ur halfway there!
6) Time does heal :P It just takes a god dam while, but don't mope at home, go out, party, exercise - helps a hell of a lot

You don't need anyone to be happy. Your not alone in this world and everyone goes through it. IT SUXXOR big time but hey there are plenty of nice guys waiting for the right person for them, that could be u! If one doesn't work out you move on to the next and next until they stick! Just takes a while and the only way you can move on is if you choose to. It has to be a personal decision. Keep yourself busy and it will become 2nd nature. Have things to look forward to, like holidays, concerts and other things :) Chat on IM with others who are going through the same situation. Hey add me, chat to me if you want. Msn is on my profile.

The best revenge is to be happy yourself :]

missbeach123 · May 10, 2007, 03:56 AM

Thank you, I know even when you posted on my page a month ago I should have listened. I have self perpetuated my pain by contacting him, and allowing his ego to grow, and me to constantly be burned over and over. I've gone on a few dates, but its too much right now, all I see and think about is him, I don't want to be a basket case for some innocent guy to experience. I just can't get over this sadness, I wake up with it every morning. I can't seem to live on my own, I never knew I was so dependent its sick.

Jiser · May 10, 2007, 04:05 AM

Hey don't worry :P Love is hard! But you get a thicker skin from this! The lessons learnt last a life time. Its not sick, just be yourself you can do nothing more. Enjoy life and keep yourself busy, there is plenty to see and do :P Don't wait for nyone, life is too short. One day you'll find someone and you'll be glad this guy now is history! Imagine yourself in 20 years time. Will you be thinking of him then? No!! =D You will have the kindest, sweetest guy in the world who you will love to the bottom of your heart. You will wish why couldn't have you been together longer.. :(