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freddy5212 · Jun 6, 2009, 04:01 PM

We both go to college and have been dating for a little over 3 months. For summer though we both moved way apart and won't be able to see each other. Seems like I got more protective after we moved apart and she really didn't like this especially since she has been single most of her life and isn't use to this. The other day she decided that it would be best if we took a break during the summer.

Here is where I get confused because during the break she says whe wants to talk everyday and that she doesn't like anyone where she is at. She doesn't mind if I talk to girls but doesn't want any to come home with me since she isn't going to be doing that stuff and she says she wants to try and get back together when school starts. This seems like we are dating?

She said the main reason why she wants the break is because we can't do special things for each other and it just doesn't feel like a relationship right now.

How should I act for the next couple of months when it comes to the phone calls? Should I mess with her head and act disant sometimes so maybe she will want me back or is this a large risk?

freddy5212 · Jun 6, 2009, 04:12 PM

I guess not specifically just the phone but how should I act the next couple months?

Triysle · Jun 6, 2009, 04:26 PM

Ok first of all, there's no such thing as taking a break. You're either in a relationship, or you aren't. There are no conditions or anything like that if you two are single.

Now, you need to realize that your concern for her actions reflects your own insecurities, which are being manifested as a lack of trust for her. She picked up on this, and perhaps she was trying to make it easier on you by doing this. Or, perhaps she is initiating a "slow break up" in which she tries to let you down easy since you are so emotionally insecure.

Either way, it seems like she doesn't have much respect for you, and she probably isn't too sure what she wants herself anyway. Distance is only a factor in a relationship when the two parties involved aren't secure enough with themselves to be sure that someone won't break the trust.

If a break was initiated, it's usually best to cut ties completely. Remain friends if, and only if, you can both do so without any desire to be in a relationship again.

You probably won't agree with me until everything comes tumbling down, but that's OK. I would bet that almost all of us here have had to learn things the hard way at some point. Sometimes experiencing the pain is the only way to understand it.

~ Tee

talaniman · Jun 6, 2009, 04:35 PM

You really need to recognize that this is unacceptable, and pin her down, and get all the reasons for her thinking, and actions. She must define her terms of the break, to see if you agree, or have questions, or your own opinions. To let her dictate the terms is unacceptable, to a healthy relationship.

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Its up to you to stand up for yourself, and work together through honest communications, and not let fear and insecurity dictate your ability to do the right things for yourself.

Long distance relationships require both partners to trust each other, and be honest, or it will never work.

freddy5212 · Jun 6, 2009, 05:06 PM

Originally before we left it was my idea that we would break up over the summer since I was afraid that we would just be fighting. I've made it clear that I know I was wrong and will trust her the rest of the summer but she still believed that maybe I was right in the beginning with taking a break. I also need to say that I don't call her she calls me. Do I just not answer her calls?

Do I state that we are either going out or not and calling me everyday is something that is just messing with me?

freddy5212 · Jun 6, 2009, 05:11 PM

Those terms were actually mutual when we started talking about the break too. During the school year I stated that we needed to be loyal to each other but at the same time have our own space. She now wants this which she was originally the one that wanted to keep the relaitonship over the summer. She also said she wasn't go to tell anyone that we broke up and she insists on not calling that but just a break. Still should I state that she was right in the beginning and that if this is going to work either we are going out or not and should be treated one or the other?

talaniman · Jun 6, 2009, 05:30 PM

Did you read the links? Especially about agreeing on the terms. What the freak is a break, and what are the rules for a break? What's different from a break up. Either your together and deal with it, or your not and are free to date whomever. So what the heck are you two doing with this break stuff? Your only apart by distance. See how confusing the expectations are, when you don't define exactly what you mean?

freddy5212 · Jun 9, 2009, 10:46 AM

She wants to just talk and be friends for now and maybe try to work it out when school starts back up next semester. The question is do I keep talking to her and say that that's fine or pressure her into going back out? I'm afraid that I'll spend this whole summer talking to her and nothing will happen when I get back or she will trail off this summer. Is it better to keep ties or break them off in order to get a girl back in a situation like this?

enilorac · Jun 9, 2009, 11:15 AM

I've been dating for 7 years and seen him on weekends. we live long distance and WERE going strong .

We are unfortunately fading fast and I need sort it out quick

Like everything- love fades over time. The butterflies went years ago.

I don't believe in long distance relationships working.
Mine hasn't.

freddy5212 · Jun 9, 2009, 12:17 PM

Yea I thought I was still really liking her but after breaking up I realized I was just trying to hold onto the relationship. Decided it would be best to just talk a couple days a week and then when we get back their will be that physical part again and see what happens. Just got to make sure I don't come off as a friend or get her to comfortable in the mean time. Got to start playing a game that I haven't played before. Could be fun though

jmooney527 · Jun 9, 2009, 12:21 PM

Originally Posted by freddy5212

She wants to just talk and be friends for now and maybe try to work it out when school starts back up next semester. The question is do I keep talking to her and say that thats fine or pressure her into going back out? I'm afraid that I'll spend this whole summer talking to her and nothing will happen when I get back or she will trail off this summer. Is it better to keep ties or break them off in order to get a girl back in a situation like this?

First off... don't play games. By doing certain things (ie not answering her calls, being distant) because you think she will want you more... that's not right. Either you want to be with her or you don't and you be straight up about it. You're looking at manipulative ways to turn things in your favor and it's wrong.

Having a "break" is just an excuse to hook up with other people. You can still be together and not talk on the phone all the time. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you need to be up in eachother's business all the time.

88sunflower · Jun 9, 2009, 12:35 PM

Originally Posted by freddy5212

Yea I thought I was still really liking her but after breaking up I realized I was just trying to hold onto the relationship. Decided it would be best to just talk a couple days a week and then when we get back their will be that physical part again and see what happens. Just got to make sure I don't come off as a friend or get her to comfortable in the mean time. Got to start playing a game that I haven't played before. Could be fun though

No no no no you don't just start playing games. You just said you thought you were starting to like her until the break up. You just answered it yourself. You realized after the breakup you were only hanging on to the relationship. Get over it. You don't take a break only to play games with her. How childish. Be done with it and find someone you can date locally and leave her alone.