[foreverbroken]

I was reading your website in the process of trying to find answers to a situation that might be very simple to some, but because of my history extremely hard for me to reconcile with. I have been involved in a long distance relationship with a man which is secret because in our culture and religion (muslim_ it is taboo to be with someone outside marriage.We talk daily for hours. Now.. call me stupid but he told me months ago that although he likes me as a person he cannot marry me because I don't fit in what his family would find appropriate i.e.. I am divorced,older, with kids while he is divorced he does not have children. He said after his failed marriage,which he did out of choice he doesn't want to risk.. and I am a risk.. because of all that is negative. He went to see women to marry in an arranged fashion chosen by his family, and decided to marry someone after meeting her . The wedding is in a few months.r. He says that its my choice.. he would like to continue being friends but cutting down contact and that he cares about me as a person and if I need help I can ask him. He feels bad about it.. but says he has become very calculated ,he doesn't believe in love as such,though he feels it may hopefully grow in his arranged marriage after time. I know I should move away.. but I love him.. I have a complicated past marriage where my ex was very abusive and married me as a cover.. I left him but felt abandoned it was an arranged marriage. This is the first time I feel I had formed a connection and actually loved someone.. my first real relationship, my marriage lasted years but there was no communication.. What do I do? How do I still talk to him knowing he has made the choice of a more"appropriate" women to marry. He says he told me months ago and feels I should not be surprised. We have talked for hours daily for a year and a half now and meet each other every couple of months. Please help. This is driving me crazy. Now.. we met after he got engaged.. and the attraction is there mutually.. I told myself I wouldn't call him,but I did.. after trying hard to resist. He told me he has no issues talking to me and will help me in whatever way he can if I need his help . He hasn't told his to be wife about me.. I am totally messed up.. I have never felt so broken before

[karina12345]

Hi
I hope you feel better. Please do.
I have been through somewhat similar situation, it is hard to understand, I agree with you, and very hard to take it on board.
I only would like to express my opinion and don't want to impose it on you or anybody.
You know what I think, if this man is an idiot, the only thing one can do is to let him to curry on on making silly mistakes. He has been married once already out of choice which ended up in divorce with no children. He is planning to do the same just 'to fit' with his family point of view hoping that joy of happy married life will come by itself. You said your relationship was not open due to the influence of Islam on your/his life. I understand that. But you know better than me that Islam doesn't prohibit men from marring women older of age or with children. His family are under the influence of cultural regulations and opinion of the Muslim community which doesn't necessary reflects Islam (!). But sadly for him, he is under the influence of his family's pressure and most importantly... just lacks of confidence in himself regarding being able to make important decisions, hoping someone will make it for him.
You have children and you are very lucky woman that you have them. You also have love for this person but he can't value it due to his stupidity. I shell feel sorry for him more than anything. I really do. There are lovely people around, and there are ones who need and can appreciate love, they are really who deserve it. And please don't be silly saying 'broken heart forever'. He doesn't deserve it, honestly. God blessed you by giving you children, so far he hasn't been given that, in fact he even doesn't have ability to chose a life partner.
If you told him that you truly love him and care for him you did everything. You can't add anything to it.

[talaniman]

I think if you cut ALL future contact with this fellow, you can move beyond this experience, and learn from it. Its definitely over, so accept it, and heal from it. It was going nowhere in the first place, but I imagine it did give you comfort.

Its time to find comfort in other, more positive ways.

[firmbeliever]

Tal,
The question was asked in May this year and she has not returned since then.