[ojaswini]

I love my family so much and I have no problem dealing any issues inside the family. First of all I have to mention that I'm an Indian girl..now living in Sri lanka. According to our culture, arranged marriage is considered to be the appropriate one accepted in our society.:rolleyes:

In my view I don't mind having an arranged marriage if the bridegroom is a good person. But that doesn't mean I would share my life with an incapable complete stranger. I know that my parents adore me so much that I never thought of hurting them, I have lot of respect for them:) . Even while I was going to the university I encountered a few proposals ..but I straightly refused without giving any second thoughts because I know that it is not acceptable in our family. I do believe in love marriage but I don't wanna encourage myself on to something which can put me in more stress in terms of orthodox.

Even though I believe (maybe) one day I will meet the right person through an arranged proposal, I feel nervous to take over the risk involved. On the other hand I wish for someone with principles and good qualities, however I'm not sure if there is a probability to meet someone satisfying all the conditions. Its not easy to keep up with the hope everyday.

:o I'm now witnessing some general symptoms of depression on me. I'm constantly thinking/worrying of things though I know I have the courage to handle, Im becoming impatient and angry if anyone delays a project or response on things (Im a lecturer) and Im feeling negativity on everything which is really not me because I have been appreciated as a proactive person several times by my bosses and university professors. I think I'm having problem balancing the love for my family and my personal goals.


Add your comments about arranged marriage.

[ojaswini]

I feel like Im going on the wrong direction...and I know that back in Canada my cousins are worried about me as well...I need an expert to help overcome this problem..how can I help myself in this condition?

[0rphan]

Hello ojaswini,

I commend the loyalty to your family, however you have your own individuality and I'm guessing would like to choose for yourself who you would like to spend your life with.

I can appreciate that you have certain customs within your society that are made with all good intentions,which the majority of the time work extremely well.

No one wants to be with a stranger, yet alone spend their life with one, which is where dating comes in, you go out with someone on a few occasions to see if you like them or not, you are getting to know each other, this may be tried several times until you come across someone who you really like and admire,also who is excepted by not only yourself but your parents and your society in which you live.
I think you need to do this for yourself, it has to be your choice to start with, which can later be approved by your parents.

Society over the years has vastly changed so it is important for you to make this choice personnally.

I think this has troubled you to long you need to speak to your parents about this,tell them you respect and love them and value their oppinions, explain that would they allow you to chose your own husband, with the final approval being from themselves, explain how worried you have been about this issue to the point of it upsetting your work etc...

There are many very good, honest, loyal people out there,you may not find them immediately and may have to date a few to find your prince charming but if your parents will allow you to go through this process of dating... as long as when you eventually find your prince, they will definitely have the final approval, then you will feel much less pressured and will be a happier person.

PLease speak with your parents.

I wish you luck

[Fr_Chuck]

You need to sit down with your mom and dad and discuss your concerns that you want to have some choice in who you marry, see if they will discuss the choice with you before your dad makes the deal.

I will say while it is hard, any couple even arrange marriages can be wonderful if both people work hard at making it work

[BetrayalBtCamp]

You know your parents adore you & want the best for you. So if you talk to them about your concerns, it's possible some sort of compromise can be worked out so you both get what you want-- a great marriage for you with someone that you can be happy to have a life together with, maybe with an extended engagement period?

I'm sorry I don't know much about your customs to be more helpful. However, there is absolutely no reason to believe that love can't exist or even flourish in an arranged marriage. It just means that you will be discovering love together more after the marriage than before as is more commonly done in a lot of places. Love alone isn't enough to make a good marriage happen, there are a lot of other factors that also have to be present like respect, compassion, respect, communication, commitment, etc.

And love being a requirement for marriage is a very new concept in marriage at all, as I posted on another thread recently:

Psychology Today: Marriage, a History

Marriage, a History
Long ago, love was a silly reason for a match. How marriage has changed over history

Through most of Western civilization, marriage has been more a matter of money, power and survival than of delicate sentiments. In medieval Europe, everyone from the lord of the manor to the village locals had a say in deciding who should wed. Love was considered an absurdly flimsy reason for a match. Even during the Enlightenment and Victorian eras, adultery and friendship were often more passionate than marriage. These days, we marry for love—and are rewarded with a blistering divorce rate.