[booklover4200]

I don't know if that is the correct question title...
My daughter is 19. She graduated (barely) from high school last June. She moved to her dad's for the summer. While there, she met a 25 year old. She ended up working as a server at his mom's restaurant. She moved back home in September but couldn't (didn't try to) find a job while she was going to community college. So, she worked at the restaurant over the weekends and came home during the week. In December she decided to move there for good. She started community college there as well.

She ended up moving in with her boyfriend because he got kicked out of his house for drugs. I advised against it. He went into rehab. I thought all was good. He finally got a job.

Last week... she was fired from her job for stealing money for her drug addict boyfriend(who was having her steal from his own family.) And, unbeknownst to me, he has never stopped using... even though he has been to rehab twice-10 years. ( he has hurt and stole from his family so much that they don't talk to him) So, she lied about the drug use. I had helped them by covering her car insurance, cell phone, occasional food, etc. I asked what she was going to do. She wanted to come home. I told her she could, because if she didn't she would get nothing else from me. I don't promote drug use.

She lasted 4 days and is back to "help him" find another job. He has a hold on her!

She has also spent several hundred dollars on school and books that she hasn't finished the classes for. And hundreds of dollars "help me" money from me and her grandparents.

What happened to her and what can I do now to help her be a productive member of society? I know that I need to stop "helping" her. But what else? I don't want her to fail! My husband says I need to "mentor" her better. But she is legally as adult! I can't MAKE her do something.

I am at wits end! I know it is not my problem... her life. But?

I am a college graduate. Married and divorced from her father. Remarried though not happily... though we are better when not discussing her... and we have been together for 15 years, married 12. I am not stupid. Nor did I raise her to be like this (steal, lie).

She says she doesn't drink or smoke pot or do other drugs. She does smoke cigarettes.

Any advise out there? Both for her and for me? I was told off by one of her friends today, so any advice is welcome!

[ChihuahuaMomma]

She does drugs, I can tell you that from her actions. What incentive does she have to steal for HIS habit? Come on. But that's not the question. ANYTHING, anything you can do or say to get her back home. My lifelong best friend did the same thing. Same story. I stopped talking to her two years ago because she starting shooting up herione and robbed her own mother at knifepoint. She's now in prison for 8 years for that and all her warrants and possession charges.

It really is a downward spiral and you have to stop it before it starts (if it hasn't already). Get her home by any means, have any intervention (if not for the drugs, for the boy), let her know she has a support plan and you want her back.

[ANB428]

Booklover, your daughter sounds similar to me. When I was 18 I moved out of my mom's house and moved in with my daughter's father. He was a low life loser. He did drugs, he stole things, he was just a bad guy. I also dropped out of high school my senior year because of him. I was in my rebellious stage and my "I know EVERYTHING in life" stage. Nothing that my mom told me was right and she was dumb and I knew what I was doing. I loved this dude and blah blah blah. Well, long story short he drug me down with him. I was doing the dumb things that he was doing and that caused us to fight and so on. I would break up with him and then a few days later we would get back together.

Well, one day I took off and moved to CA from TX with him and got pregnant a month later. The moment I found out that I was pregnant I knew that all the fun and games were about to stop because I was going to be having a child. I of course stopped doing dumb things and tried to have my daughter's father do the same, but he didn't. So, at three months pregnant I left him and went back to him three days later after hearing all of his promises to change for our family and yada yada yada. So, when I went back I went back to him beating me up and smothering me my whole pregnany. I knew that I had to get out, but I didn't know how because my mom had already helped me once.

After I had my daughter I finally left him. When I called my mom she told me to figure out what to do on my own because I never listened to any of her advice and she was tired of bailing me out all the time and she hung up on me. I figured it out and went to a shelter and did it all on my own. I was 19 years old and my daughter was two months old and I was over 1500 miles away from anyone that I knew. I got through it though with the help of a great church that was really supportive. My point to this whole story is that if my mom wouldn't have shown me tough love then I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be an independent woman. I learned my lesson and I had to learn it the hard way because I was hard-headed and stubborn. I made it through successfully because my mom raised me right as a child and I knew what was right and what was wrong. I am sure that your daughter thinks that she is right too and won't listen to anyone else's advice. If anyone doesn't say something that she agrees with, I am sure that she gets upset. If anyone bad talks her boyfriend, I am sure that she is the first one to jump up and defend him. This is exactly how I was, until I went through what I went through.

My advice to you is to stop bailing her out all the time and let her make her own mistakes. That is the only way that she will learn. I am now 23 and I work two jobs and go to school full-time (just got my Associates) and I have been raising my daughter solo for the past four years, no help from mom or anyone. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we work our ways back up to the top, but this is something that your daughter is going to have to learn. You can not teach this lesson to her. I know that you are worried about her getting hurt, or hooked on drugs, and you have every reason to be concerned. I know that I would be. But, since you have raised you daughter right, that will help tremendously. All you can really do is throw your hands in the air and get down on your knees and pray that God gives you the strength to get through this. You can do this. God will help you get through this hard time in your life. Just pray for your daughter and hope that she will make the right decisions. I know that it is hard to do and it is a lot easier said than done, but you can get through this. Good luck!

[booklover4200]

Thank you both! I agree that I am going to give her some ultimatums. I just wanted some additional reassurance that I was on the right track. Tough Love here we come! I think for the most part she will be receptive of them, but regarding him... she is not ready to give him up yet.

I found out today that his family (who treated her like another daughter and loved her to death!) don't want her to come around. And that she changed after she got together with their son... and not for the good!

Anyway, she will be living at home... but while she is living here she needs to meet some nice guys that aren't addicts and do have jobs, that treat her nice. Find a job or two and start paying back the people that have been hurt by her... monetarily and emotionally.

Again... thank you! I will update as things go...