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inloveconfused · May 27, 2009, 10:52 AM

I am hurting my fiancé on a regular basis by bringing up his past. My fiancé has a terrible past, he has done things that are gut wrenching. I fell in love with him before I knew about all of the people he has been with, all though they are all disgusting whores, "most of them claim to be whores by the way which I think is weird" my biggest issue is that he has dated so many people who had children, its nots them having children that bothers me its how they treated them. Taking them to drug deals, neglecting them, dropping the at a random place to go get messed up. I love children and I am scared that if he wanted to be with people like this, that he will eventually go back to that life and I want him to see that children shouldn't be treated that way. He says he didn't think he could do better, and he thought he could help the kids. He says they weren't his kids and that he would never treat his children like that... Even when I tell him I believe him it still bothers me. I love him but I don't know how to stop. He tells me all the time that I am hurting him, that he is a different person, that I am the only good person that ever gave him the time of day. He says he always wanted someone like me but since they wouldn't have anything to do with him, he settled, he didn't want to be alone, and he knew if he aimed low enough that people like that would never leave him. I want to stop! I know the past is the past and it can't be changed, but in a way I think I talk about it so he will realize how much better I am than anyone else in his past... He thinks this is insane and that if I don't see that I am better than his past I need to just leave him. We are supposed to get married in July, and he challenged me to not bring it up for 2 weeks, I am scared of not doing it and losing him.

What do I do? :(

BMI · May 27, 2009, 11:00 AM

So it's not really his past that bothers you is it? It seems as if your concerned with being the best or better than he's had. There's a huge difference there.

justcurious55 · May 27, 2009, 11:04 AM

How can you guys get married with such huge issues hanging over your heads? Its like dooming your marriage from the beginning. The two of you need to talk things out so that you can both leave his past in the past. Its understandable why he would want to leave things behind him but its also fair for you to want reassurance that he's really done with the past and moving on to start a new life with you. Have you guys tried couples counseling? You've got to work things out before you get married. Otherwise its just asking for a disaster.

I wish · May 27, 2009, 01:33 PM

Why torture yourself like this? Some people just don't know how to let go. If there are so many problems, regardless of your deep feelings for him, it's sometimes better to call it quits. I'm sure there's another guy out there for you that will make you much happier.

liz28 · May 27, 2009, 03:09 PM

Stop focusing on his past because he can't change it. As long you keep dwelling on it you won't be able to let it go and your only pushing him away.

Not to sound harsh but if it was me in his shoes I don't think I would be able to marry you. Marriage doesn't make the problems go away. The issues your having now about his past is only going be dragged into the marriage. Marriage is easy to get into but messy and expensive to get out of.

Live for the present and the future. So you have decide what your going do. Dwell on his past and risk losing him or let his past be his past and continue loving him for the man he is today? The choice is yours so choose wisely.

Ren6 · May 27, 2009, 03:18 PM

Has he been through drug or alcohol rehab since these events? Is he clean? If so, how long? If he's been clean for a substantial amount of time, you need to explore why you are constantly bringing up his past. At any rate, as the others have stated, you must hash this out with a counselor before you get married to this guy. This is a match made in hell if you can't forgive the past (like I said, if he's changed his behavior).

Gemini54 · May 27, 2009, 06:30 PM

I'd put the marriage on hold - this is a recipe for disaster.

You are in the process of killing your relationship - and you're in it for all the wrong reasons.

If you can't deal with his past then get out of the relationship. It's in the past and you can't change it.

What you can't deal with is your real concern. Will he behave like this in your future?

Until you deal with your worries you'll never be comfortable. Get some help.

talaniman · May 27, 2009, 06:48 PM

You really should get some help for your problems. Don't get married until you do.

Homegirl 50 · May 27, 2009, 07:10 PM

He wants to forget his past and is feeling lucky that that he is with someone he thinks is decent, and you remind him of his past so you can feel good about yourself. Sounds like you both are in need of an esteem boost and you
Are enabling each other. You need to do some couple counseling.

How long have you been together?

Survivor07 · May 27, 2009, 07:40 PM

Couples counseling is definitely in order. Mature people ready for marriage should be more than willing to go together. Why not?

When you're married, there's no game playing of "we're not going to discuss "such and such" for two weeks. That's not how it works. That is how it DOESN'T work.

There may be more to this than you think.

Calling off a wedding is a lot easier than living a miserable marriage and going through a hellish divorce. Don't focus on the wedding, that's only one day. Focus on the marriage, that you want to last forever.