[is this right]

Hi all,

I have a great relationship, and a great girlfriend, and we spend a lot of time together. I know that when we are apart we are both faithful, and think about each other when out with our respective friends. We are very much in love.

My girlfriend, who is 25, and 5 years younger than me (not that this matters) loves to go out with her friends, and has weekends away etc. I do trust her. However I do wonder sometimes why she likes going out so much, and enjoys 'flirting' with other guys. She says it never goes far, just chatting to guys who come up to her when she s at the bar etc.

This has made me feel a bit weird when she goes out now, as I worry a little bit that one day it might go a little further, especially when alcohol is involved.

I am just paranoid I think and should just trust her unconditionally, but can't get the thought out of my head.

She knows I feel a bit funny and has reassured me that I am all she wants and she is only having fun. I have found myself firing questions at her though after a night out, which makes me look protective, and I hate being like that!

What do I do, just get on with it and surpress/bury the feeling?

I think the problem is with me, not with her or her actions?

I don't want to feel like this. It is the only negative thought I have re. our relationship.

[Gemini54]

You're right, it's not about her, it's about you.

Perhaps you need to give some thought to your feelings of distrust and ask yourself what's at the core of them.

What are you afraid of? Distrust is often based on fear.

What are you insecure about? Distrust is often based on feelings of personal inadequacy.

What do feel that you need to control? Distrust is often based on being unable to control the activities or actions of another person.

Clearly your GF has a life, apart from you, which she enjoys. It sounds as if she likes being attractive to other men and flirting with them. It may be that she feels safe doing this because she's in a relationship with you.

In any case, you can't control this, although you may feel fearful and insecure about yourself in comparison to other men.

Just stop thinking about it. She's with you isn't she? Take it on face value that she's trustworthy and if some guy puts the hard word on her she'll be able to handle it and refuse. Give her the leeway to be who she is, enjoy her little flirts, and believe that YOU are the one she wants.

Make yourself the one that she wants and the other guys won't matter.

[talaniman]

Stop questioning her actions, and deal with your own. Your fear is what's making you impulsive, as your afraid of losing her.

Maybe you can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions.

My girlfriend, who is 25, and 5 years younger than me (not that this matters) loves to go out with her friends,

It does matter as your beyond the place she is, and she is only doing what a 25 year old does, enjoying herself , and partying with friends.

You probably did this yourself at that age, so just watch your mouth about what she is doing now.

I suspect you have things in your past, that you have not resolved.

[liz28]

There is nothing wrong with harmless flirting. I does it and so does my fiancé and it doesn't me.

I wonder if you been cheated on in the past or have you cheated on a girlfriend in the past.

Trust only disappears if your partner gives you reasons for not trusting her. Maybe while she is hanging out with her friends should hang with yours instead of dwelling on what she is doing.

This relationship shouldn't be your life. You should have a life outside of this relationship. So call your boys and make some plans.

[Homegirl 50]

I guess I am seeing this a bit differently.
While you are both adults she may be too young for you. She seems to still be in the party/drinking/ flirting stage. You mentioned that you worry when there is alcohol involved. Does she have a habit of drinking a bit much?
You either trust her or you don't. You may have issues or she is throwing up red flags. Don't ignore either possibility.
Personally I think a woman who is in the same stage of life as you would be better for you. If you know your man is uncomfortable with your going to bars drinking and flirting, you don't do it and if you are really in to your man, you don't feel the need to do.
Just my opinion.

[I wish]

Sounds like you want a serious relationship where you're committed to each other ONLY. You got to accept the fact that she has friends. I'm not judging you, but I'm guessing that you're not as into partying and alcohol as she is?

Keep in mind that you already brought up your concern to her and she already assured you that she's going to remain faithful.

You said it yourself, she's 5 years younger. In your case, age doesn't matter in terms of love, but it might matter in terms of lifestyle. She wants to have fun with friends. I'm sure you have your own hobbies too.

I also wanted to point out that maybe you don't feel as though she loved you as much as you think? Think about it, even though she's having fun with her friends, if she really loved you, she would not do something to jeopardize her relationship with you.

Food for thought.