[john721]

Ok here is my situation. My pregnant girlfriend has left me and is claiming that I verbally and sexually abused her. We had been together 8 months and she was 2 months pregnant when she left. She is 24 and I am 34. She has a four year old son from a previous relationship. Who was calling me daddy by the way. This will be my first child. She started having severe abdominal pains so we went to the hospital to find out what was going on. We found out then that she was pregnant. They didn't know what the cause of her pain was and said we should follow up with an OB.



The first appointment we could get was nearly a month away. Her pain was getting worse and we made two more trips to the ER. Both times they said there was nothing they could do since she is pregnant. She was in a lot of pain all the time. This situation was causing strain on the relationship for a few different reasons. It was hard for me to deal with because I was worried about her and the baby and there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it. It was putting a negative spin on the pregnancy. There was very little talk about the positive things about the pregnancy after the first couple of weeks after we found out. It was just the fact that she felt so bad all the time.


This was depressing to me and didn't know how we were going to deal with this if she was in pain like this for the next 8 months. There was also some things that were bothering me as to things that I was no longer getting from her. She always wanted to go to bed and our sex life became non existent. This was making me feel as if she didn't want to spend time with me and no longer found me attractive. I was trying to be understanding of her but I could not help the feelings I was having. I told her what I was feeling and asked her to show me in some way that she was still interested in me in a sexual way. I told her that I understood if she didn't feel like actually making love but I would like to be able to see that she still had those feelings for me.


She continued to not show me any interest sexually and had very little response when I tried to be intimate with her. This hurt my feelings, frustrated me and made me mad. We also started arguing more. All in all it was a stressful time for both of us.


Well one day I come home from work to find that her and all of her belongings were gone. She would not answer my phone calls or reply to my text messages. On the third day after leaving me her father called my mother and told her that my girlfriend was not going to talk to me because I verbally and sexually abused her and that is why she left me. Her father stated that she told him that I had pinned her against the shower wall, forced her to have sex with me and tore the shower curtain down in the process. NEVER HAPPENED. He also said that the reason she was pregnant was that I forced her to have sex with me. Every time we had sex it was with her consent.


There were times that she didn't seem interested and that would upset me and she would change her mind but I never felt that I forced her to do anything. In those situations I would tell her that I didn't want her to do anything that she didn't want to do. She would say "trust me if I didn't want to, it wouldn't happen". As far as the verbal abuse. We had arguments where I would get mad and yell but I never called her names or was degrading to her in any way. I just don't understand what happened and why she is accusing me of these things. She always told me how much she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We had talked about and planned on getting married even before the pregnancy.


She has been gone now for a month and still have not talked to her. She has communicated a little with me through text messages but won't discuss anything with me. She says that there is nothing to discuss about us. She truly seems to hate me and I don't know why. How can she go from loving me and wanting to be with me forever to not wanting to talk to me at all? We were going through a stressful time but I didn't think it was anything that we couldn't make it through. She would not allow me to go to the first appointment for the baby either, which tears me apart.


I love her and our unborn child more than anything in the world. All I want is to be able to be with her and enjoy our pregnancy and raise our child together. I am also hearing that she is already seeing another guy. How does she go from loving me and wanting to be with me forever to seeing someone else so soon while carrying my child? I am completely heart broken and confused. Any advice or thoughts on my situation would be greatly appreciated.

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[drewww]

Thank you for your post it's really helped me. First off I believe everything you're saying. Secondly, I know this because I am experiencing almost the same thing which is very odd. Granted their wasn't any sexual abuse accusations before she left but she would get in these weird moods earlier in the relationship and accused me of things that were just down right disqusting. It was as if she would think of the absolute worse case scenarios and than would begin to obsess over it until it finally became almost a real thing to her and than began accusing me. Also she had a major anger problem and would put her hands on me which I left the relationship a couple different times. I would come back and think things would be different but it wasn't. My defense to her violence was my words. After a heated argument she decided to move out this time.

So basically she would hit and I would use my words which than she began to call me the abuser even though I had never touched her. Regardless of who did what it was not right for me to verbally tell her off (which is just as painful as hitting) and it was not right for her to put her hands on me.

I'm slowly gaining acceptance of the situation that she is not good for me even though she is carrying my child we will most likely never be together again. That's painful to think about but I try to take it one day at a time.

I have to be real careful with what I say and do in response to her fits of rage because her going to the cops as opposed to me going to the cops are two entirely different things. The cops almost certainly will take her side 90% of the time if it were on equal ground. She's said and done some crazy stuff and all it would take for her to do is call the cops and tell her that I threatened her, or is harassing her (even if it weren't true) for me to lose my chance to see and be apart of my soon to be born child. So tread carefully my friend.

I don't know what the right answer for you is, but just know that you deserve to be happy and don't let someone else steal your joy. There is someone else out their for you that will love you just as much as you love them. Frankly I can't even think about that right now because I have so much work to do on myself. Dreww has to learn to love dreww before dreww can truly be of maximun service to himself, his unborn, and future wife if one so happens to come along.

It's been hard for me to accept the fact that her and I do not belong together. And it's much better to know now than later when the child is 4 or 5 years old after being around verbal and even physical confrontation. Fortunately I don't have to do this for the rest of my life, just one day at a time I know I'll through it.

I guess my real issue is now is taking care of dreww and to save up for future attorney bills because I have every intention to be a full time father whether she likes it or not. Currently I plan on consulting several different attorneys to ensure that my rights as the biological father are respected. If you want to talk offline anytime maybe we can help each other get through this tumultuous times. But I definitely feel for you man. It's good to know your not the only one going through this sort of thing.

Best
Dreww

[liz28]

First I most say you should be very concern with what she's going around saying about you. Accusing you of abusing and rape is serious and who knows what could happen. A lot of legals problems could come your way.

Secondly, I think she planned to leave you for a while and could have been seeing the guy she is currently with before she left you. That could have been the reason behind her being distance and cold towards you. I don't know for sure but I strongly think so.

Thirdly, the arguing was no good and I hope the two of you didn't do it around the child. If the two of you can't your anger and talk in a civil matter than the two of you don't need to be together. Agruing only lead to you saying things that you could regret because you say things out of anger. If the two of you can't work your problems out by talking in a calm, civil matter how could you be together? Let alone get married?

You got upset because she wouldn't have sex and in return it made you second guess yourself. You have to understand when a female is pregnant their emotions is all over the place and it has nothing to do with you. I think you should have been a little more understanding and patience but again communication was lacking so your were unable to discuss this. Or again, maybe she was seeing someone else.

The only thing you can do is wait until the baby is born. Hopefully she allows you to be in the child life. If not they have court for this and you can use this to your advantage and if I was you I would petition the court for a dna test.

I hope you come back and sorry this had to happen.