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chris0430 · Dec 13, 2008, 08:36 AM

So I met this amazing girl during the summer and was very hesitant to get involved with her. For one thing she just left her husband but told me she was going through a divorce. I really liked her after hanging out but refused to get involved. She persuaded me that she loved me and that she is done with her husband. After the summer she moved in with me and things we were great. After about 2 months she gave me a scare and told me she was thinking about going back to her husband. I was devastaded and cried and even slept downstairs for the night. The next morning I tried to leave for work early and she got intimate with me as she saw how emotional I was. She decided to stay to think about things and then a few days later she tells me she is pregnant. My first response was do you want an abortion? She seemed to have a I don't care attitude while I was the one crying. She told me how the pregnancy is the answer to her problems and she is supposed to stay with me. During her first month of pregnancy she just became this different person. No affection... I couldn't be intimate with her and she had no motivation to do anything all day.

I would come home from work and just see nothing but hatred in her eye. It came to the point where I felt for her so much that I offered her a plane ticket home to see her family. She seemed really happy about it considering how bored she was being alone at my house. After I bought her plane ticket she would just post on her myspace like 10 more days then 9 etc. Then we went to our 2nd ultrasound and she just didn't speak with me. Finally I asked her what is going on and she told me she doesn't see a future with me. I was heartbroken and even called the airline to change her flight for the next day cause I felt she just needed space.

As she was packing I felt like I couldn't breathe. She told me to calm down and everything will be fine. She needed to come back for the rest of her stuff and how she wanted us to work cause I was the dad. When she got home she deleted me from her life. Deleted pics of us on her myspace and even said she was single. Things got really ugly and she said she is coming back and leaving to go back home. I ended up cancelling her flight back cause she threatened that I couldn't. I felt powerless and I paid over 500 bucks for her to come back to my place just to leave. She wouldn't give me answers and said she doesn't want to talk about us. She even told me she was speaking with her husband of what it would be like if they got back together.

She ended up coming back that day even when I cancelled the flight. I was at work while she came and I had all her stuff packed in her car so she could be in and out. I forgot to pack 1 item but I just thought she wouldn't be showing up and I figured I would see her. She ended up packing and leaving. I decided to call her and next thing I know she puts me on the phone with the cops and she is on my driveway asking for this one item. I just felt hurt cause all she had to do was ask me and I would have gave it to her. I was terrified and legally the cops couldn't enter my house so she just left. Its been almost 2 weeks now and I haven't heard from her. I am afraid to call or even email... how much of this can be the horomones?

Please ladies any advice... cause I am losing it not knowing where she is or what she wants

JudyKayTee · Dec 13, 2008, 08:44 AM

It might be hormones; it might be not. I think she's made it clear in several ways that she is finished with the relationship with you. Once the Police get involved it's a pretty good indicator that she's not kidding and now there's some record somewhere that there is/was a problem between you.

I would leave her alone. Undoubtedly you will hear from her (or her Attorney) when the baby is born.

I think you have to come to terms with a failed relationship, as painful as it is to you and as unfair as that appears to be.

I'm not sure you didn't get played but only you/she/the husband know that.

chris0430 · Dec 13, 2008, 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

It might be hormones; it might be not. I think she's made it clear in several ways that she is finished with the relationship with you. Once the Police get involved it's a pretty good indicator that she's not kidding and now there's some record somewhere that there is/was a problem between you.

I would leave her alone. Undoubtedly you will hear from her (or her Attorney) when the baby is born.

I think you have to come to terms with a failed relationship, as painful as it is to you and as unfair as that appears to be.

I'm not sure you didn't get played but only you/she/the husband know that.

What I don't understand is that we didn't fight or anything like that. She knows how good I was to her and that I would do anything in the world for her. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she has a lot going on. She is going through a divorce, she has no job, and now she is pregnant. This girl sold her wedding ring while I was with her I just don't see how she would want to go back with her husband? Maybe she is still feeling guilty about not trying harder with him? I think she is also staying married so she can get the insurance for the baby. I just don't know what to do as if to call or email. I am really afraid. I just want her to know that I am here for her but I also don't want to be hurt again

DoulaLC · Dec 13, 2008, 09:33 AM

It sounds as though she certainly wasn't in any position to start a new relationship as she wasn't over the first one with her husband.

It's possible she truly cared for you and thought things would work out... it's also possible you were simply there at a time when she needed comfort and to feel loved and she mixed up those feelings with being the real thing. Unfortunately a child is now in the mix and that complicates things a bit... Any possibility it could actually be her husband's?

I agree... don't push it with her. She needs to work things out in her own head about what she wants to do. Give her plenty of space for now and tread carefully to protect your own heart.

JudyKayTee · Dec 13, 2008, 09:35 AM

Originally Posted by chris0430

What I dont understand is that we didnt fight or anything like that. She knows how good I was to her and that I would do anything in the world for her. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she has a lot going on. She is going through a divorce, she has no job, and now she is pregnant. This girl sold her wedding ring while I was with her I just dont see how she would want to go back with her husband? Maybe she is still feeling guilty about not trying harder with him? I think she is also staying married so she can get the insurance for the baby. I just dont know what to do as if to call or email. I am really afraid. I just want her to know that I am here for her but I also dont want to be hurt again

Well, I gave you the best advice I know. She made herself clear when she called the Police. You are trying to read something into her actions that I don't think is there.

As far as personal advice is concerned - keep saying this to yourself. "It is not my fault. She left but it is not my fault."

From what I'm reading, this is correct. And who knows - I agree. She was confused; she needed a place to live; she moved from her husband's bed to your bed in a very short period of time; she wants the baby; she doesn't want the baby; there is no baby. Who knows - but her.

But in the meantime, maybe she used you and maybe she didn't but you acted like a responsible adult and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. (Pardon me for screaming)

kpangor · Dec 13, 2008, 09:30 PM

Well what am seeing is... the girl was going to her downs with her husband so she needed someone at tha point to chill with which happened to be you and I even doubt the baby to be yours its probably her husband.. anyways don't worry GOD will bless you with an angel.. what you got to do right now its forget about her and keep it moving that's all

cc_baby · Dec 15, 2008, 06:52 PM

I hate to say it but it sounds like she played you I'm pregnant and emotional but not like that I feel bad for you because she used you make sure when the baby is born you have him/her tested to see if its really yours or her ex husband she shouldn't be acting like this pregnant or not she had it easy with you but cheer up sweetie.

jessy0428 · Dec 15, 2008, 07:20 PM

Are you 100 % sure this baby is yours? I don't want to seem rude but maybe she was just telling you it was(maybe to make her husband mad) and now she feels guilty for it and decided to leave instead of hurting you. Maybe she was just trying to make her husband jealous. I am sorry that this is happing to you but the worse thing you ca do right now is to pressure her ,if she decides to contact you great, but just give her time and maybe she will sit down and talk to you.I wish you the best!

chris0430 · Dec 17, 2008, 07:31 PM

Originally Posted by jessy0428

Are you 100 % sure this baby is yours? I dont want to seem rude but maybe she was just telling you it was(maybe to make her husband mad) and now she feels guilty for it and decided to leave instead of hurting you. Maybe she was just trying to make her husband jealous. I am sorry that this is happing to you but the worse thing you ca do right now is to pressure her ,if she decides to contact you great, but just give her time and maybe she will sit down and talk to you.I wish you the best!!

I would say I am 95% sure I am the father of the child. She left her husband in April and I was with this girl since June. She is only about 13 weeks pregnant now. I just don't know what to do cause I don't understand how someone can hurt you so much after all I did for her. I don't think she would be with me in front of my own parents and family telling them she's pregnant if there was even a slight chance I wasn't the father. I really am afraid and want to support her but at the same time I am really angry that she is leaving me.. possibly going back to her husband and even possibly still going to ask me for child support. I don't know what I would do if she did ask me to pay child support. I think of how uncomfortable I would be if I went to see my kid and saw her with her husband.

As a teacher I always thought to myself I would always be that parent who would be there for the kid and now I am in a crappy position where I even want to make myself believe I am not the father.

I appreciate all your input everyone

JudyKayTee · Dec 17, 2008, 08:04 PM

Originally Posted by chris0430

I would say I am 95% sure I am the father of the child. She left her husband in April and I was with this girl since June. She is only about 13 weeks pregnant now. I just dont know what to do cause I dont understand how someone can hurt you so much after all I did for her. I dont think she would be with me in front of my own parents and family telling them shes pregnant if there was even a slight chance I wasnt the father. I really am afraid and want to support her but at the same time I am really angry that she is leaving me .. possibly going back to her husband and even possibly still going to ask me for child support. I dont know what I would do if she did ask me to pay child support. I think of how uncomfortable i would be if I went to see my kid and saw her with her husband.

As a teacher I always thought to myself I would always be that parent who would be there for the kid and now I am in a crappy position where I even want to make myself believe I am not the father.

I appreciate all your input everyone

If she "asks" you to pay child support, then you ask for DNA testing to determine whether you are or are not the father. My guess would be there will be no asking but she will file for support with the Court. You ask for visitation/custody arrangements.

If the Court determines you are the father and there is an order to pay support then you have no choice.

I'm a little confused here - your parents knew she was married and were happy about the pregnancy? In many States the husband is the presumed father of the child and that's hard to get around.

I suspect the husband - if you are the father and/or if he's now aware of your relationship with his wife - will also not be real happy to be in your company.

chris0430 · Dec 17, 2008, 08:27 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

If she "asks" you to pay child support, then you ask for DNA testing to determine whether you are or are not the father. My guess would be there will be no asking but she will file for support with the Court. You ask for visitation/custody arrangements.

If the Court determines you are the father and there is an order to pay support then you have no choice.

I'm a little confused here - your parents knew she was married and were happy about the pregnancy? In many States the husband is the presumed father of the child and that's hard to get around.

I suspect the husband - if you are the father and/or if he's now aware of your relationship with his wife - will also not be real happy to be in your company.

My parents did support it because she was going through the divorce. The date was coming up and now it has been postponed from what I know. My parents knew she was going through this even when she was first moving in. As of right now you are right I am not the father her husband is. I don't know if I should be the one asking for a paternity test or if I just wait and see what she does. I feel as if her husband does take her back that he would not want me to get child support because if so that means I will be in his company like you said. I want what's best for everyone in this situation but I just don't know.

I feel as if she played me in a way... like she is still married so she has insurance for the baby and now she can ask me to pay child support get another 300-500 bucks a month from me and live happily.
If she was on her own I would be more supporitive but I just feel used.

JudyKayTee · Dec 17, 2008, 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by chris0430

My parents did support it because she was going through the divorce. The date was coming up and now it has been postponed from what I know. My parents knew she was going through this even when she was first moving in. As of right now you are right I am not the father her husband is. I dont know if I should be the one asking for a paternity test or if I just wait and see what she does. I feel as if her husband does take her back that he would not want me to get child support because if so that means I will be in his company like you said. I want whats best for everyone in this situation but I just dont know.

I feel as if she played me in a way... like she is still married so she has insurance for the baby and now she can ask me to pay child support get another 300-500 bucks a month from me and live happily.
If she was on her own I would be more supporitive but I just feel used.

Unfortunately, you are the biological father and have a duty - legal and this isn't a moral board, but moral - to support the child. Why should her husband have to pay to support your child?

I don't think your 300-500 bucks a month is going to support a child, let alone put her in the lap of luxury, living happily ever after.

And maybe you were used. Maybe not. But, unfortunately, you are stuck living with the consequences.

DoulaLC · Dec 18, 2008, 07:37 AM

Another possibility is that, if she stays with her husband after all, she may try to pass the baby off as being his. Sure there is a several week difference, but it has been known to happen. Trying to suggest the baby was born a little early for the dates for example. Or she may have moved out in April, but perhaps she was still with him at some point after that.

If you are wanting to stay involved, or if you are required to, the first step would definitely be a paternity test after baby is born. You may want to consider this even if she does decide she wants to be with you after all.