[hornistAdam]

This is going to be a long post. :) Background information, I'm a sophomore in college and she's a freshman.

Last August, I met a girl, and literally from the first time we saw each other, we knew we were special. I asked her to lunch on the first day I met her, and she said yes. It was like our first date. We felt completely comfortable with each other. 2 solid weeks of being around each other EVERY MINUTE, we felt so strongly towards each other that we entered into a relationship. However, it took some convincing, because she had just gotten out of several hurtful, sometimes abusive relationships. 3 guys she dated actually turned gay, so she felt really bad about that.

So we were in a relationship for all the fall semester. It was the best 4 months of my life. I know that it might seem naïve and stupid, but you guys on here didn't see us. I could've married this girl, and she felt the same. I was abstinent until we were together for a month and a half, then we both lost our virginity. It was the best experience of my life sharing that with a person I loved. However, there were certain things that caused problems.

First, I was a messy person. I grew up in a very dirty household, and I didn't learn anything from my parents. And at her house, her parents are having marital problems because he doesn't do ANYTHING around the house. That bothered her, and she saw that it could happen in our relationship. So I started to do a lot better. Now I am as clean as anybody else.

Second, I'm in a fraternity that "bonds" by making fun of each other, no holds barred. Some people make fun of other brothers dead babies. Yeah. I've always thought this was wrong, but wanting to fit in, I would do it too. Not to that extreme, though.

The problem with this was that it would carry over into my relationship. I would make fun of her, all in good fun, but she would get really hurt. I realize now that this was very wrong, but I realized it too late. She would tell me that it hurt, but by then, it was a habit. I didn't try hard enough to stop, so I hurt her.

Third, she takes very difficult classes, and as much as she loved me and loved to spend time with me, she needed to do well in school, as she almost lost her scholarships last semester because she was distracted by our love.

These things led to our separation. We broke up two days before the spring semester started. She said that we needed to take a break and fix our lives, her with school and me getting my together, then we would talk about it. We were both devastated.

So, long story short, I catch one of my best friend and fraternal brother coming out of her apartment the next day. The story is that he went over there because being my best friend, he was also hers. So he's comforting her because she's crying and misses me, then he holds her, kisses her, and they have sex. I was SO PISSED. I ran up to him when he closed the door and basically we all went back in and I told them my opinion about it. She was crying so much she couldn't talk. So I left.

So he took advantage of her while she was vulnerable. She now feels absolutely horrible about it because she's really not that kind of girl. She feels like a dirty whore, basically. I was mad about it, but I've come to understand it.

Since then, we have spent some time together, and cuddled, and done everything that a boyfriend and girlfriend would do. But she still felt bad about having sex with someone besides me, and she wanted to get past that before we got back together. But it was going to happen eventually.

Then things got hairy. At mardi gras, we went to new orleans, and one of my friends told me that this girl that came with us wanted to have sex with me. Being a drunk guy, I considered it, and told my friend about it. However, I decided it wouldn't be a good idea. So I didn't do it.

My friend went back to my ex and told her that I was going to have sex with this girl, but she rejected me. And my ex said, "he would never do that because he said he loves me and doesn't want to have sex with anyone but me." so she asked me about it, and I lied, saying I never wanted to have sex with her. I got caught in a lie, and she got really mad. So I left her a message on her phone when she was refusing to talk to me, saying I don't see why you won't forgive me, considering I didn't do anything, but you ed Joe! I realize this is wrong now, but again, too late. This happened about 3 weeks ago. Since then, she hasn't talked to me, and doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

So, I've realized everything I've done wrong, and I feel that I'm a changed man. But she can't trust me not to hurt her again. I want to be with her, I think about her every second, and from what her friends have told me, she thinks about me all the time. But I don't know what to do to fix it.

Right now I'm playing it cool and giving her space. From there, I don't know what to do.

Your opinion is greatly appreciated.

[hornistAdam]

Well, here's an update. I talked to her today in person, and I told her that I'm a changed man. She still loves me, but she is incapable of giving me another chance. She wants to move on. Which means I need to move on. I just feel so guilty because I left her house and she was crying. She's so messed up because of me. I never wanted to be a negative influence on her life, but I was. I just wanted to love her and be there for her. It hurts a lot.

[none12345]

Oh. From what I see you never cheated on her right? I think if you do something right now you can get her back because obviously she loves you. I can see this as something that could be worked out. Try talking things out to her and explaining everything and the reasons you did what you did and hopefully she ll find it in her heart to forgive you. Good luck

[hornistAdam]

Well, I can't do anything right now. She is so messed up inside that no matter what I say, she can't believe that I'll never hurt her again. She's not even mad, she just can't do it.

[talaniman]

This is a good time to occupy yourself with something else beside her. Give her what she wants, you out of her life.

[Ren6]

Well, I can't do anything right now. She is so messed up inside that no matter what I say, she can't believe that I'll never hurt her again. She's not even mad, she just can't do it.

I can't really blame her. I don't quite understand how insulting your frat brothers for acceptance would carry over into your insulting her... especially when you claim you disapprove of the harsh comments made at your frat house.

She's taking difficult classes and she really needs to focus on her education. This relationship (with all it's problems) is distracting her. She doesn't trust you and you need to honor her wishes.

[I wish]

I wouldn't say it's over between you two, but it's going to take a lot of work for her to get over all this.

You never actually cheated, but you lied to her and it's not easy for her to forget that. She slept with your best friend and probably still feels horrible about it.

This is a really tough situation. Maybe take a step back and be her friend for a while so that she can slowly regain your trust before you push anything more.

[Romefalls19]

This relationship is way beyond flawed, she boinked a friend of yours(that's grounds for dismissal for both my girl and my friend, not too mention a broken jaw on my friend) and then you lie to her, she can't forgive you. You say something completely messed up to her, and hurt her just like she hurt you. Tit for tat will never work.

Give her what she wants, space and find something else to do besides talking to her

[hornistAdam]

Thanks guys. That's what I'm doing. I'm moving on, letting things cool down, I'm out of her life, and I'm focusing on school and my music. I'm already feeling better, I just have to squash feelings of guilt. I'm going to learn from this, and I definitely won't do it to the next girl I'm with.

I'm really a nice person, I just became a member of the wrong fraternity.

[hornistAdam]

Wow, so I had just gotten over everything and truly learned that I can live without her and I was happy. Then she called me and said she needed to talk to me. We talked for three hours, which has been easy for us ever since we met. She was having problems with a friend and the first person she thought about talking to her about it was me. I figure, we're friends now, I can be there for her. So, during this talk, we drive around for a while, then we end up sitting on a bench next to a river at like 2 in the morning, and we were just talking, joking around. It was the first time that we both smiled and laughed like that since last year. But she started crying because of all the that's going on, and I wiped the tear off her face and she buried her cheek in my palm and I leaned against her face, fore head to forehead, and we both started crying, each of us saying we never meant to hurt the other one. Then we kissed. Basically, we forgave each other. We're friends now, but when we hang out alone, we can't help but be affectionate.

She says that she can't help but love me and she can tell that I'm different from when we were together, but we both know a relationship is out of the question right now.

Basically, I'm confused as heck. I feel a lot better about myself because this was a lesson that I needed to learn, how to get over somebody. I did, and I feel like if we got back together I would be super happy, but if we don't then I'll be fine too.

In conclusion, with these new events that have happened, I would like some advice on where to go from here.

[talaniman]

Basically, I'm confused as heck.

That's what any contact with her will bring you... CONFUSION, until you have actually healed.

[hornistAdam]

Thats what any contact with her will bring you....................CONFUSION, until you have actually healed.

Yes. You're right. Already today, messed up things have happened. I perform in a praise band, and I invited her to come watch. She said she was fixing to go home and do homework. So on my way back home after I played, I drove past the friends house that she was visiting before she said she was going home, and I noticed her car was still there (not stalking, it really was on my way). So I said "You could've told me if you didn't want to come." So she then said the her gay friend and his boyfriend had invited her to stay and eat dinner, since the cafeteria on campus was closed. And she got mad and said if this is how I'm going to be, then she doesn't want to deal with it.

CONFUSION.

I feel like it could work out later, but you're right. At this moment, we're both not ready.

[Romefalls19]

If you keep talking to her, you are always going to be confused. You are staying inside her life and revolving yours around it. So what if she didn't come to your performance, if my ex asked me to go to anything(which she did) I NEVER would have went(I didn't) because she is my ex, why would I want to surround myself around her?

[dreamingartist]

Am I the only one who thinks a girl who is a virgin... never slept with anyone before.. then all of a sudden sleeps with you (1st time). And after that she sleeps with your best friend, even in a moment of weakness...

Makes me wonder.. why was she a virgin in the first place? Morals? Religion?

Second.. anyone who has kept that sexual feeling bottled up for so long, and then immediately not only sleeps with you, also sleeps with a friend.. shows me that her virginity which was originally special and pure and part of a higher meaning is now tainted and she feels differently about it..

If this was a normal girl who had sex in high school, college, etc etc then I'd say, yah, sex is sex... but the way you described it, she was waiting for her first boyfriend as a special thing, almost like waiting for marriage.. which parrallels as in - you were suppose to be "the one"...

Now that the cats out of the bag... I am nervous that sex is no longer for "the one" and its just another tool to control you / men / and to gain acceptance from them / you.

Also... my XGF had sex with another guy 1 month after we broke up, and she was my first, I was her first, and I can tell you from personal experience.. I never got over that... EVER.. which means I could say "I forgive you" but I never really really let myself heal. Which in turn made me keep things from her, or feel like she could lie to me again if she lied to me once about something as HUGE as sleeping with another guy.