[Ziggurat2009]

Hello everyone,

I've been reading all these break up stories from this site for a while now and I recognize a lot of similarities in my own break up. I've read all the stickies and I pretty much have heard it all as far as generic breakup advice. But honestly, I'm a very different person from the rest of society and I just wanted some specific advice from everyone to see what you all think.

The Story

First of all, I'm old fashioned. I don't drink or smoke. I don't party but I don't have anything against going to one if the people are cool. I try to be realistic and logical in life. At the same time I'm told I'm funny, I love movies, I enjoy being romantic, and I know how to flirt and act silly when the time is right.

I graduated from high school in 2005 and I never dated during school. I had self esteem issues because I had acne quite bad covering my face. My friends all moved away to a popular party college in my home state three hours north of where I lived. My friends were out of my life.
I was prescribed some pills for my acne and to my surpise the damn things worked like magic. My face cleared up and I grew my hair out and I was getting attention for the first time in my life.
I went to a community college 15 minutes away from home. I'm a computer geek and I decided I'd go to school away from my friends to eventually pursue my dreams of being a game designer. Anyway, a girl from school added me on Myspace and we eventually decided to talk on the phone. We of course kept talking on the phone for 4-5 hours every night until she asked me to hang out and meet her family. She lived 40 minutes from me. I walked up to her front door and she answered it, she was Asian, she was very cute, had dimples, and was a little overweight but I didn't care. Her family loved me, including her former marine drill seargeant stepdad. Her little brother and I became good friends over the years.

We spent the next 3 months together doing all sorts of stuff. She was acting quiet one day and she told me she was frustrated that I had'nt asked her out yet. I eventually managed to ask her out over a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant near the ocean. Over the next 3 years we nearly lived together. She would come to my house every other day if not every day and spend the night. We watched movies, made home cooked meals, shared affection, had a million inside jokes, went to amusement parks, visited family, took road trips, and ALWAYS cracked each other up. She promised me she would never love anyone else and said she would never leave me that it would be stupid. I graduated from the community college and decided to pursue my game design career in Georgia at an art school(where I am now).

I know I should'nt put her on a pedestal but we only had a couple fights/issues. She lied to me when I met her, she said she graduated high school in '05 like me. Truth was, she missed a credit and was forced to take an extra class at vocational school before she would be officially graduated from high school. She told me the day she graduated and I was sitting alone in my room watching a moviel. I forgave her since I could understand she felt bad about not graduating with her friends. No big deal right? Nothing else really came between us after that. We drove to the community college together and even took classes together.

She had the same opinions as me, even thought they are unpopular for people our age (21-22). She is unusally compassionate and very kind. I told her I always wanted her to put her school before me and she agreed. I told her to try drinking if she wants to, I didn't want to but I wanted her to not feel restricted. I just want her to be comfortable with me! She and I both have dreams of starting our own businesses and owning a great home and all that stuff. I learn later that her father used to beat her legs when she was a child beause he is from a country in Asia where that crap is okay. I've also witnessed him call her and ask her for money then tell her she's useless and hang up on her.

The poop hits the fan.
I spend one year at art school in GA. That means I was away for two months, came back for two more, then left for four months straight, then I came back for summer which is 3 months. It was HARD. But we stayed together and used Skype to stay in touch. Year 2 at art school starts and I go away for the first 2 months. I come back for my 2 month winter break, she picks me up we are fine, and damn I am still totally in love with this girl.

So last Christmas she comes over and I give her a $200 dollar necklace, she always spoils me so she bought me some new videogames and some art books. She didn't seem impressed by my necklace at all... We make plans for new years to have my old high school friends over and just eat tons of food and watch the ball drop. New years arrives and we are having a blast catching up with my friends and she seems fine. That night we were also celebrating my 22nd birthday which is really on January 3rd but I was travelling to Georgia for school that day. The ball dropped and I went and wrapped my arms around her and leaned in and she darted into the kitchen and left me hanging there with no kiss. I followed her to find she had a cake with candles lit. So I thought it was no big deal, just a surprise. So Jan. 3rd comes, I turn 22 and she offers to drive me to the airport. We drive to the airport and listen to her favorite Beyonce and Rihanna songs. We joke and I tell her I'll miss her and she's the most important thing in the world to me. She acted normal, nothing out of place. She returned all of my affection. I have to get on the plane, I hold her for five minutes more, kiss her hands, and then give her a passionate kiss, tell her I love her, then turn around and proceeded through the security line.

I arrive in Georiga. I get into my little tiny dorm room. She calls to check up on me that night, and we have a good talk and she says I love and talk to you later. Normal.

Four days later. I get out of class, sit down at my computer, go to Facebook. I have a message. It reads:

"Hi Chris,

I know this isn't the best place to talk about this but I figured I can tell you here and then we can talk about it on the phone if you wanted to. I love you, and I will always love you but I think the reason why I've been sort of distant lately is because I don't feel the same way I use to towards our relationship. I don't really know what it is. It's not you. You have as wonderful as you have always been. I think that my heart has been growing distant; there isn't anyone else.
I dont think it's really fair to have you wondering where I am and why I haven't been calling you back. I haven't been avoiding you purposefully or anything. I have been to and from work this whole week. I think for this time, while we are away from each other, we should take a break. I love you. You have been the best to me. I just don't think it's fair to not have you know how I feel and keep on being distant towards you.

I love you."

Panic! Yes indeed. Huh? What? Something happened to her? Maybe some one has a gun to her head and wants her to break up with me. I was CONFUSED!! The note didn't even sound like her. And she didn't even call me to say it! She signs on AIM and says "Can we talk about it Wednesday? I'm in front of people and don't want to get emotional." I get upset and have no idea where this awful treatment came from. She calls me that night anyway and basically that's when I do some questioning. Since I'm a computer geek, the first thing I did was look for advice on the net. So with all that new advice I found here, I decided to not beg and tell her I don't want to get back together I just want to know why? She goes snowboarding the next day with her cousin. They takes pictures and post them on Facebook. She looks like she's having fun. Not even bothered by what just happened between us.
I try writing a letter of optimism and remind her of all the good times we've had over the years. She calls in return we chat about trivial stuff then she brings up the relationship. She "doesn't know" why but she thinks there's "doubt" that she has about me. She wants to be alone and single for now. She says "I'll never find anyone like you and if I do it will take a while." She says "I miss you and love you but I have NO REGRETS." HUHHH??

After two or three pointless phone calls I begin the no contact. Everyday that has passed, she has deleted me from her Facebook profile and today she deleted every photo of me and wrote this new load of crap about how she is outgoing and loves adventure and loves makeup but isn't afraid of digging in dirt for fun. Basically sounds like she is trying to make herself available to meeting new people and (I'm afraid) other guys. She has been so EAGER and QUICK to get rid of me! Why is she doing that? It tears me up! I'm taking Asian Art History and all I do is think about her throughout the entire 3 hour class. Today is day 13, I'm a wreck. I hear Beyonce or Rihanna and I cry like a friggin baby. I hate my life. I'm confined to this little dorm room with my PC, TV, and homework. I'm in a mental prison and I'm afraid of losing my mind. I know time is the only way to get past all this but I don't even know what I'm getting past. This came out of nowhere! I never even got to say goodbye to her (like for real not on facebook)!

I go home in 15 weeks.

Advice? Help? What do you think? :confused:

[Romefalls19]

Use this as ammo to continue NC, you mourning is well warranted. You spent a lot of time with her, so to feel loss is expected. You will be fine in time, just read the stickies at the top of the forum and come on here to vent. We have all been where you are

[Justwantfair]

The first breakup is always the hardest, you have spent along time with this girl, you planned a future. I think your best bet now is to continue reading, keep the NC and take it one day at a time. Focus on you, what you need to do to finish school. You promised to put school as the most important thing and now is the most important time to do that.

As Rome said, we have all been there and we ALL risk it all over again for the next relationship.

[SAB123]

Ziggurat, I feel your pain, as I have been in your shoes before .It's going to be a tough road but time does heal. You ask why? You may never know why? My ex fiancé broke up with me 2 years ago and I still don't know why she broke up with me again. All I can say is don't spend too much time analyizing the situation. I did this for along time and all it did was consume me and I would come up with the same conclusion. The funny thing is I am over her but still sometimes analyize what happen. Then I start to get pissed then realize I'll never Know why. No one can tell you the real reason why(except her but you just move on and don't contact her), but we can help you get threw this.

[slapshot_oi]

Jesus man, long post, but very clear so I didn't mind reading it.

Sounds like she's telling the truth, after a three year relationship and being only 22, she wants to hang out and have fun.

This is the only advice you'll hear from anyone: don't contact her and bug her.

[UnluckyDucky]

Sorry to hear about what has happened to you, its always a huge shock when you hear those dreaded words. To us, it seems like the whole world has come crashing down all in one swift and unmerciful motion.

You're probably going through a ton of things in your head right now. How come she already seems to be over me so fast? Is there another guy? Did our relationship really mean anything to her? How could she do this? This is completely normal.

Since you're a logical guy, I'll put it in terms that will hopefully make you understand better. She's been probably thinking about this breakup for quite some time now, so she's had time to process her feelings and make a decision. To her, the end might have occurred some time ago but to you its still fresh so her actions may seem especially callous or uncaring.

That she no longer feels the same way for you as she once did - but this doesn't mean she never felt this way for you. I truly believe for many of us here our ex's did truly love us at one point or another - but sometimes feelings change and we're the unfortunate victims of that change.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is stay in No Contact and start working on your life. Don't try to hold on to any scraps of affection and false hope. Start working out and going to the gym if you haven't already. Start learning new skills. Look up old friends if you can and start making new ones. Many of us can attest to the fact that life does go on - there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Most importantly, come here and talk about your feelings and vent - let yourself feel. Its all part of the process of recovery and healing. We're here for you :) - you're not alone.

[kctiger]

I suggest looking up a few stories of others, as it would be good for you to understand that we truly have been there and know how hard this is on you. Look up the following stores from these people (Usually the first question they ask on this website):

1. RomeFalls19
2. Isneezefunny (absolute must read)
3. KCtiger (just a shameless plug on my own story... not really worth your time, but entertaining nontheless)
4. LifeChangesMan
5. EmptyCans

All of these threads the above people created are a good read, if anything, just to get your mind off your own situation. You will see an evolution with some of us, from a crying out of control boy, into a mature man that understands the reality of situations and walks away with a deeper grasp of himself and of what truly makes him happy. (That last part was a bit sappy, sorry).

Good luck buddy. We are ALL here for you!

[Ziggurat2009]

Wow, thank you for all the replies. I appreciate everyone offering so much help. I will read your stories. I already have read many here on this site.

Yes I wonder over and over, why does she seem like she is completely okay with all this? She seems almost anxious to get me out of her life for some mysterious reason. I even sometimes wonder if she has a split personality or something because she is acting so unlike herself. I can't believe she did this, she always told me she wanted to marry me. My room and mother tell me that people "change". Ok, sure, but what exactly does that mean. She used to like talking about how when we lived together, she'd buy all the organic healthy food and I'd have all the all-American un healthy food. She liked talking about living together and we had one of those chats two weeks before she broke up with me.
Her behavior has changed so abruptly and it is is so cold, uncaring, and nothing like who she was when I was with her. Its like there's an evil clone of my ex girlfriend.
I hate that she has erased me from her life so quickly. I can't believe she actually did that and I don't know why she's pushing so hard to do it.

Thank you all for the support, I'll be back here quite I bit.

[Ziggurat2009]

"My room mate and mother tell me that..." oops typo.

[Ziggurat2009]

I gave her everything I could and I helped her through her tough times. She didn't like her self image and I always told her how I loved everything about her and that I loved her flaws as much as the rest of her. I did. I sometimes wonder if because she is losing weight and getting into makeup, maybe she feels like she doesn't need me anymore because she has gained all this new confidence and wants to be free to go party and flirt with guys rather than be loyal to me... Mr. Old Fashioned and Ambitious.

I want her back guys.

[kctiger]

Of course you want her back, that is a normal feeling to have. I know. The sad reality is that she isn't yours to have back. This process is going to SUCK, big time, I won't lie. Probably the hardest thing you have ever done...

I am sorry for you, I know it hurts, but I promise you it will get better.

[SAB123]

Zig, I know I'm supposed be working but I'm sitting at my desk reading everything here and it's bring me back to how I felt when my ex broke up with me. Oh the pain , the pain, but I look back know and remember everything you are doing and going through thinking I'm never ever going to be able to move on. But I did and you will also. Just take it one day at a time. And listen to what people tell you here. I wish I did, I would have healed faster. But I only had one agenda, not letting go of ex and hoping she would come back again. She never did??

[talaniman]

My room and mother tell me that people "change". Ok, sure, but what exactly does that mean.

It means the young girl has grown up, and wants to see more of life, than she has seen. Sort of like you going to college to pursue your dreams, after your acne got cured.

It happens, and it sucks, but your free to heal, and rebuild like we all have to do.

Hmmm, your just like the rest of us, learning, and growing through experience. Normal, for young people.

[Ziggurat2009]

******Threads merged*******

Hey everyone,

I posted a rather long summary of my breakup situation about two months ago. If you are interested in knowing the situation here's the link . Recent events have really made me feel bent out of shape about my breakup. At first I just accepted it for what it was and started taking it one day at a time. I have been quite miserable. We were together for three years. I'm in school 1,000 miles away from home where my ex girlfriend lives. She broke up with me for no apparent reason out of the blue after I had been here at school for 4 days. She wanted to stay with me while I was at school before... so something happened or changed her mind. I've been able to feel a little better with each week that passes.

So here's the thing. I have been doing the NC and its killing me. I didn't beg or plead with her believe it or not. The moment I found out she wanted a break, I came here for advice. So I have pretty much been doing the whole NC and "get your ex back" routine from day one. At first, she would message me on AIM whenever she wanted. I tried acting like I was fine and I was doing "real good". She always started by saying "How are you?" and I hated it but I started making it sound like I was doing great. Totally not true. I think about her every minute of every day. So I have stopped signing into AIM altogether. I was curious and signed on once or twice and she was indeed online. She's online a lot in general. She doesn't call, and I hope she will. I know that's not good but I'm dying to get a call from her. There isn't much to do when you are a digital design student who sits in front of his PC doing art work all day for school. My college doesn't have any real activities to participate in. So I spend my time in my dorm doing my school work. She used to be crazy about me and would get mad if I didn't call her at least every other day. Now, she seems like she's totally fine with not hearing from me again for the rest of eternity! How can someone flip a coin like that and switch their emotional connection on and off? I noticed there was a guy from her hometown that she handed her number out to willingly over Facebook a month or two ago. And then I noticed she asked him if he wanted to hang out and watch Back to the Future... which was something she and I did... as our special date night thing. So now she's offering herself to this guy it seems. And toda I sign on and find that she left him a comment saying "You are freaking awesome." She was with me for 3 years, how can she turn around after a month and be like this. She is not like that! Her behavior is so different from the girl I knew! She told me she doesn't know why we are breaking up she just doesn't feel we are supposed to be together right now. None of it makes any sense, she was very happy with me. She never brought anything up to talk about with me, nothing was wrong as far as I could see. Now I'm kind of just stuck here in this dorm, doing my work, and watching her through a window as she turns into a different person. And honestly, this guy she seems to be into, is kind of a redneck who she would TOTALLY never want to be with... well the girl I knew would not. She is picky with her guys. And she told me no guy would ever measure up to me... so... I'm lost, lonely, irritated, and shocked.

I have been at school for 2 months now. She broke up with me a couple of days after I got off the plane. I return home in 2 months, at that time I can see her to talk finally.

Input, guidance, and advice?

[talaniman]

I don't think you get different feedback than what you already have and making a new question about the same thing will not help.

First let me point out is that your NOT doing No Contact, and your being dishonest by hiding your true feelings when you do break NC, over and over again.

Until you get real with yourself, and accept things have changed, and give yourself a chance to heal, you will never get rid of the misery, and pain.

Doing it your way ain't working, so try what has been suggested already, by those who have done what your doing.

[Ziggurat2009]

Right. Are you saying I should tell her how I feel if she does contact me? Because you say I'm being dishonest otherwise. I am doing NC but she contacted ME through instant messenger a few times weeks ago.
Unlucky Ducky said I could come here to talk about my feelings and vent, so that's what I'm doing.

[UnluckyDucky]

Hey Ziggurat. Nothing wrong with coming on here and letting your feelings out - just be prepared for people to give you the harsh advice that you just need to hear sometimes.

One thing you didn't mention in your original thread was that you're doing NC to get your ex back? You probably got suckered into buying one of those eBooks out there didn't you.. no shame in that, some of us are guilty of it too if that's truly the case. I'm going to tell you now though that doing NC to get your ex back really doesn't work. Those eBooks give you false hope.

You got to do NC for you, I can't stress this enough. I know you don't want this to end - I've been there. The problem is there's nothing you can do to change her mind.. it sucks, I know. Block her on IM, delete her from facebook/myspace, do not respond to any of her texts/calls. The path you're traveling down right now will only lead you to prolonged heartache and pain. Trust me, I've been down that road before.

I'm sorry to give you the bad news, but it sounds like it is really over. Truth is she's not the same girl you remember from before, and this is a good thing for you. Because as time passes and the more and more you realize this and it will help you let go.

My advice is to accept this as a permanent break, and let go of any "chance of reconciliation". Cut that last thread of hope - you will feel a sense of relief when you do.. I know I did. It doesn't make it easier, it doesn't dull the pain or make it go away but it is something you have to do for yourself. You're not alone - many of us have been there.

Don't see her when you get back home - it will only tear open the wounds that have started healing through NC. Stop responding to her attempts at contact period. Do not attempt to initiate anything yourself. Start rebuilding your life for yourself. You deserve better than this girl.

[Ziggurat2009]

No, I never got suckered into buying those online books. I've just been reading free articles online. Yeah I thought the NC was for me from day one. I was quite sure she'd miss me to tell you the truth. She always missed me so easily. I do not know how to go about cutting the last thread of hope. I can't bring myself to block her on I'm and everything. Perhaps I am prolonging the ineviatable. But when I left her in person, she told me she loved me and everything seemed fine. I need to see her and have her talk to me about this in person. We were involved for too long to end it in such an unfair way. I've done absolutely nothing to contact her. She has im'ed me twice and I talked for five minutes each time. That's it. I don't know where this cold hearted girl came from but she isn't the girl I loved. I have been trying to rebuild my life. Its hard being here at school. This place just makes it very difficult to get my mind off her. My work requires me to sit at a computer and design things for hours a day. I just so curious to see how she is. Thank you for the feedback. It has been most valuable.

[UnluckyDucky]

Well you definitely saved yourself some money, those eBooks are useless. I'm going to say again that I think it is a bad idea to meet with her when you get back and highly recommend against it, but do what you must. Believe me when I say none of us here have a vested interest in telling you to do this - we're just giving you the best advice for you to get your life back and getting over this girl as swiftly as possible based on our own experiences.

On a side note, if you haven't seen the movie Swingers yet definitely watch it. You said 2 months to go until you get home again?

Let's play "What If" for a moment... we'll assume you took my advice and cut that last thread of hope, have been sticking with NC, and have started to rebuild your life again. You've been pursuing other hobbies, making new friends/reconnecting with old friends, going to the gym and getting into better shape, etc. Fast forward 2 months. Say you do end up meeting with your ex and she still doesn't want to work things out with you. By this time you'll be well on your way to healing your heart and you won't find this bothering you as much as if you didn't cut that thread to begin with. You win. So what if you meet up and she says she wants to try to work things out and have another go at the relationship? You'll be able to think with a clear head if that's truly what you still want and if you DO want to accept her back into your life. This guarantees that the power of choice is put back into your hands. Also, since you've been working on yourself you will have even more to offer to the relationship and be an even better partner you were before. Another side benefit from doing this is that you'll feel better about yourself and you'll be less insecure and needy. You STILL win. See where I'm going with this?

Now let me give you the disclaimer that I'm not one to promote false hope by any means, but you have to admit you really have nothing to lose by cutting that last thread of hope and sticking to NC. Either you win, or you win.

[mckenzie134]

You made this girl, your whole life and when she was no longer there, you have nothing left!!

That is Unhealthy!!

Most people have been here before.

Firstly if you would like a chance of winning her back. You will have to learn to live without her, for if you do win her back, acting like you have been in the past relationship will not work!!

Use this time to learn about yourself and find some other things to do. You're a geek so find some other geeky dudes and hang with them!!

Maybe you don't have any friends, well this is a time to make some.

Im guessing your girlfriend didn't have a whole lot of friends and she is finally realising, het o want some more to my life than just this!!

Ive heard the "i love you, but I have no regrets... Mate this has been on her mind for a long time and she has just been waiting for theright time to tell you!!

This was over at least 3 months ago!!

For now, you need to leave things and as bad asyou feel and I know you feel like you have nothing to live for and everything you worked on is gone.. and how can she do this..

Well she did it and couldn't care less how you feel.. and no matter what you had done in the past she simply doesn't love you like she said!

Obviously her love for a period was sincere but hell maybe she didn't have a lot to do and you must understand girls go with what makes understand at the time and once they are done they move on!!

She will have another guy soon and you will say, geez that's not right you wanted to be single!!

That's how it is, she just doesn't want to stay with you! Maybe once she realises there are some other terrible guys she may come back! But hell she isn't coming back till you get some balls and stand your ground!! She's part of your life not all of it, like you made her champ!!