[ConfusedAgain]

You have to be kidding me >< I just wrote an insanely massive post, and I get 'Firefox error and shut down'.

Now I have to repost except this time a Brief one :-(

I have myself in a situation, and I really need help. Here is a rundown on my history with the girl in question.

It started with a one night stand, A girl I barely knew but was attracted to ended up in my bed, and I don't remember how, But I liked the idea and looked forward to where it may go (Im inexperienced with flings etc, Im a relationship kind of guy) She was unsure how it happened also, She said she remembered being interested in me a while before this happened.

But I was crushed when I tried to contact her a few days later or a week, and She just mentioned It wasn't supposed to happen because she was meeting someone off the internet.
This hurt a little, cause I was excited about it.

After a bit, I was seeing someone else, when She had rang me and was thinking of coming around for a few drinks, but I had to say no and explained to her it was because I thought something could happen and I couldn't let that happen to the girl I was seeing at the time.
So we didn't talk again, for a while.

A while later, (I work in a night club) I was single again, and she needed a lift home and being sober, I offered, This ended up leading to her staying at my place for a while in what seemed to be a relationship, (She stayed at my house often, was staying there while I was working, there when I got home, helped tidy up etc) Was a lot of fun, I thought things were going well... Until she mentioned that we weren't actually in a relationship..

Question 1. Was I wrong to assume this was a relationship.

This made me feel uneasy, I don't feel I can trust a girl, if she claims she isn't your Girlfriend. So I begun asking questions about who she was drinking with and who particular guys she mentions are, which lead to her ditching me because she felt trapped and she wanted to be single for that reason, to not feel trapped.
(Some more hurt, I really liked her enough to put off moving interstate)
Not long after that She was all over a guy in front of me at work.
(Kicked into the ground even further)

Later down the track I ended up leaving the state As I had planned before, and she was at my going away drinks/gathering, and we nearly hooked up again, She had said She was confused and didn't know what to do before, she had guys chasing her, and was out of a relationship and just didn't want to answer to anyone. And just wants to be single and have fun.
Then I was gone.

It was nearly a year I was away, a few times we spoke on MSN, sometimes it got a tiny bit dirty (talkin about our past experiences) before quickly changing the subject). Most of it was just Chit chat, how's the weather etc.

It came time for me to move state again (The original move was just to work for a while and visit friends, then was moving to my home state where family are) And I decided to visit friends in this girls state on the way past.. My car broke down so I had to prolong my stay to work and get it fixed before leaving.

In this time this girl had invited me to stay, and catch up etc. And I was very very cautious of this because of the past, in fact I thought I wasn't interested because of the past. But she seemed genuine when she said ditching me was the biggest mistake she made, and that she now wants to be with me in a relationship, I think she actually mentioned she loved me once. But very hesitantly I began to see interest in her again. I just needed to regain my trust. I was staying at her place, and I didn't put as much effort into the relationship as I should have, because I was still very stand offish and wasn't sure if I completely wanted it to work...

Question 2. Was I wrong to feel this cautious and stand offish?

But this lead to arguments about my not pulling my weight and not putting in effort, and arguments popped up about tiny things (She has a short temper and has admitted to it)
And we also both misinterpret each other so many times it's not funny, like we speak different languages (Mainly online communication)

It came time that I was leaving after prolonging my stay for 6 months (again I put off moving interstate for this girl) And due to the arguments, it was on IFFY terms, and we both didn't know what was going to happen but agreed to try to make it work..

BOMBSHELL, A few weeks after I had begun to settle down I found out she was pregnant. This put incredible stress on both of us, considering the fact it was already iffy. I explained to her I still didn't know how I felt about us, and after a while she decided to end it because she didn't like the idea of not knowing if it was going to work or not. I wanted to see her again to make my decision, because Long distance communication is just not our thing.. This lead her to feel abandoned, and all her friends were under the impression that I left her with a child (This was frustrating for me as it wasn't the case) and she even still Talks about how I left her and caused all this pain when she was the one who ended it

Anyway it was decided we would contact each other only to talk about parenting issues.
We had started to talk on a friendly basis after a long time, and I decided to take my holiday hours from work and Visit (A few months ago) to See my child, She had offered a couch to sleep on, I accepted because I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my son as possible.

Things went smoother than I had hoped, I got along well with them both, and She appeared to have matured a lot, having a baby makes people grow up fast I guess. I was even surprised at how Well I took it, Meeting your first baby, for the first time was a really big thing I'm sure you can understand.

Somehow we hooked up again after I discovered a small bit of jealousy on her part (I had found myself attracted to her due to her Changes, and physically because she looked great but just ignored it because of the past until I realized she was interested as well)

This time around it felt comfortable, and it felt right, she told me about a guy she hooked up with recently before I got there (I had suspected this earlier but she told me I was wrong and it was none of my business since we weren't together) when I left it was on good terms, A hug and kiss at the airport to boot (Although not a relationship, it was just a better version of what happened last time I left, this time there were talks of her moving to my state though).. But a few weeks after I left, arguments popped up again. Over everything (We play games online to interact with each other) We argue over games, over misinterpretation. Anything just about.. She still admits her temper takes over and she just can't stop herself saying some of the things she says. And Nothing I do or say can calm her. IF I stay quiet, she think's I'm ignoring her, and makes it worse.

Nevertheless, We come to now, She needs a break from me, and my issues which She says are paranoia and lack of self esteem, and having tickets on myself. How she came to "Tickets" AND "Lack of self esteem" I don't know, I asked her and she just said it's confusing.

Question 3. Am I wrong to be paranoid? She won't classify herself as my GF until I fix these issues she thinks I have, Unless she calls herself my GF I'm going to have that trust issue.

I get the feeling that she doesn't want the obligation to me, and therefore there is nothing stopping her from finding some other guy, and I don't feel the full responsibility in this "relationship" if she's not technically mine, so therefore I can't make her as happy as she wants me to make her.

Quite often she will tell me She hates me, and never wants anything to do with me, and for me to stay out of her life, But the next day she'll talk to me again, and explain it's just her temper, but she does hate the things I say (Which are misinterpreted)

But The Scene right now is She doesn't want me to talk to her unless I Fix my issues, Including my communication issues. It seems the entire blame from these arguments are on me, and I don't think I can fix them if I Don't think it's my fault.

Question 4. Am I arrogant to feel that I'm not entirely at fault here?

Any help or suggestions would be brilliant. Thanks

Feel free to ask questions.

[N0help4u]

Sounds like she is using you at her convenience. She just wanted to play house for awhile and move on. Yes you should NEVER assume you are in a relationship, especially when it comes to her.
She doesn't seem to want to settle down in a relationship. The more you fall for her the more you are going to get hurt.

You need to put a stop to it and when she starts talking to you you need to remind her that she never wants to talk to you.
Don't keep feeding into her games because all you are ever going to get is more game. If she wants to go home with you or see you tell her you are interested in somebody else and it will never work with you and her.

[NorthernNiceGuy]

1. Yea I don't think you should assume you are in a relationship, however at some point you have to ask the question, what are we doing here?

2. I don't think you were wrong in being standoffish, she hurt you once so keeping your guard up seems reasonable to me.

3. Well she already admits that she hooked up with someone else while without you (but she said she was single so it doesn't matter). Seems like she uses this as an excuse to be with other men while stringing you along.

4. No, the fault is shared... from what I read probably more so on her, but this is only your side.


Its unfortunate that a child is stuck in the middle of all this and ideally it would be nice if the two of you could overcome your differences. But this girl isn't for you, she's a flake and will continue to string you along and hurt you at every chance she gets. Take care of your parental obligations, but leave it at that!

[N0help4u]

Yepp hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me.
Don't be played a fool.

[talaniman]

I have no sympathy for either of you as you both got the benefit of superficial gratification and just hope your better parents than partners.

If you had talked as much as you jumped each others bones, you probably could have answered the questions yourself.
Question 1. Was I wrong to assume this was a relationship.
Yes, it was sex, and a good time.
Question 2. Was I wrong to feel this cautious and stand offish?
Yes, as it was only sex, and a good time.
Question 3. Am I wrong to be paranoid? She won't classify herself as my GF until I fix these issues she thinks I have, Unless she calls herself my GF I'm going to have that trust issue.
Yes, it was only sex and a good time.

Question 4. Am I arrogant to feel that I'm not entirely at fault here?
No, takes two, and you both have an equal share in whatever has happen, while just having sex, and a good time.

[vtcountryguy]

Bi-polar comes to mind

[ConfusedAgain]

Hmm, thanks for advice guys.. She was talking to me today... friendly talk.. and says "I'm meant to be having a break, and look at me, im talkin to you again" and decided to start the break tonight :-\

Im just treating it as if she has no part of my life from now on.. I'm going to tell her how it's going to work if it's going to be again.

[thadevilsadvocate]

The girl has issues. I think you cared more than she ever did, and she has some internal issues of her own that she needs to work out, and not just the temper issue. I'm talking about commitment, honesty, being reasonable, thinking before acting, considering another persons feelings before their own, knowing who they are and what their feelings are, etc... It sucks for you because you were pretty much investing in a false bank account... you were being sold a scheme, and putting your all in to it, but the reality is that the account never existed, and it was all a scheme. She doesn't care what she wants and until she is able to figure that out, you will run in to the same problems. She will have to realize that she needs to grow up on her own, if this is ever going to be anything. You had reason for feeling paranoid, and that should have been your sign to leave the crazy one alone, for your own benefit, to keep you from getting caught up like you are now. Take what you have learned, pick your confidence up and avoid from being so vulnerable.

[Starbucks21]

1. Yea to the assume

She's a living human being with free will and you can't read her mind.

2.-3. Seem to be communication issues

4. It takes two to tango


Her take on it though was two people having sex and that's it... There's no relationship to her unless she says otherwise

[randomman]

You are an idiot for assuming..

I think we all need to hear this woman's side of the story before making judgements like bipolar and saying things like "i think you cared more than she ever did". There are always 2 sides to every story and in cases like this each will differ from the other. It seems to me that in this post you are making yourself out to be 100% innocent (which by the way no one is as it takes 2 to tango).

[ConfusedAgain]

Yes well we all make mistakes, As I has said she appeared to change after having a baby.. I had gotten more help on the situations and it was a more clear understanding of the situation than I was able to get from here.. but thanks anyway guys

[talaniman]

Care to enlighten us?