[KalFour]

I'm in my late teens, and first year of uni, but have been having problems for over two years now.
I have changes in mood and behaviour that seem to change about every 6 months. For 6 months I'll be OK, fairly happy and ethusiastic about the world, then around the middle of the year comes and I decline. I become apathetic about a lot of things, and the quality of my work goes down. I'm increasingly distractable and find it really difficult to concentrate on anything for long periods. I find myself phasng out of the world and not remembering what's gone on around me. I just go blank, but when I'm aware of what's going on in my head it frightens me. I keep music playing in my head because it stops me from thinking about other things that shouldn't be there... but it doesn't always work. I'm just becoming so irrational, and it frustrates me because I know exactly how irrational I'm being but it still happens. I'm always quiet about this, and nobody seems to notice it. If I go blank they just assume I'm tired, if I seem anxious they just assume it's stress from my workload but it's driving me insane! And people are constantly using me as their agony aunt because I'm always willing to listen. But I don't just listen, I totally over-empathise, which people tend to appreciate... but it's difficult for me. When I hear about someone else's bad experiences it's difficult for me to detach myself, so I'm dealing with vicarious stress.
On top of that, I have a genetic tremor that everyone in my family seems to have. It's pretty mild and for most of us, the only issue is slightly messier handwriting than most people have. But in th past year, it's been getting a lot worse for me. It's always been slightly worse if I'm stressed/tired/nervous/hungry/upset etc, but now it's got to the point that if one of those triggers happens, I start shuddering uncontrolably, and my everyday shaking is pretty bad. I break things and can't stay still. I feel awkward with everything. I'm constantly working with my hands at uni and in a workshop as well as using sign language with some deaf and autistic kids. If I can't use my hands, I'll literally lose everything. I don't know if the shaking is getting worse for physical or psychological reasons.
A couple of years ago, my grandmother died. She and I had never been very close, but she was always someone I looked up to, respected, and of course loved. Her loss however, was less difficult than having to deal with my family feuding over trivialities like the will (which began several months before she died - heartless bastards), receiving abusive messages from a schizophrenic aunt, and the fact that my uncle came to the funeral complete with handcuffs and a police escort. So at this point my family wasn't exactly a nurturing and supportive environment. In the months following this I broke up with my long-term boyfriend because I felt that I was emotionally cheating on him with a friend (who is incidentally bipolar and suffers from extreme emotional problems), my best friend stopped coming to school and refused to talk to anyone, and one of my pets died. I went through my first long phase of feeling completely disconnected to everything around then. I've had this happening for much longer, but it being so long-term, extreme and cyclical is new.
About a year later, it re-occurred, but without any major triggers. I tried going to see a counsellor because I don't feel comfortable confiding in anybody. As I said, lots of people confide in me, but I can't bring myself to be that open. The counsellor suggested that I might be bipolar. I don't think I am, but her suggesting this frightened me, so the next time I went to see her I was forcibly relaxed and happy, so she suggested that maybe I'd just been having a bad week, as I'm obviously a charming, intelligent, bright, witty girl. It was a complete act of course, as my entire life is a façade... but the cover is getting harder for me.
I'm not depressed. I'm not unhappy. I'm just not happy either. And I get frightened, often by the most innocent things.
About a month ago my other grandmother died. She and I were extremely close. It hit me hard, especially as I was living alone at the time. This wasn't helped by the fact that my 4 closest friends were out of the country at the time. I had already been well into my apathetic phase, but this made me feel completely alone... so I did some stupid things like binge drinking and having casual sex. And what worried me here wasn't that I was doing those things, it was that I didn't feel BAD about doing those things. I should have and I don't.
I've always been a model student, and although considered "weird" since I was about 5, have never lacked friends. I've always been able to articulate things clearly, but now I can't. I mean, even here I'm rambling and jumping about, writing incoherently long sentences. And I keep using words in the wrong context or trailing off or talking too fast... point being that I can no longer communicate to the level I'm used to.
On top of that, I've had some people tell me I look frighteningly expressionaless, while others have said I look bug-eyed and scary or that I don't blink enough. Some have said I'm over-zealous with my expressions and I look slightly manic. People keep thinking I'm feeling things that contrast strongly with what I'm actually feeling.
I don't feel a lot of things at the moment. I'm in a completely different zone. I've been told to see a psych by the few people who I've mentioned this to, and I didn't even go into any detail. I've tried looking up random symptoms and it's been suggested that I'm bipolar, schizophrenic, schizotypal, have social anxiety disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, OCD and a huge range of other possibilites (including, ironically enough, hyperchondria).
What I want to know is: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

[silentrascal]

By the sound of it, you have some some issues that would best be addressed by a licensed professional, perhaps a therapist or psychologist who would be able to use their skills and training to provide you the assistance you need.

[firmbeliever]

Kal,
I am sure someone here will have some suggestions for you.

I do think you should check with a psychiatrist,get some tests done to determine what is actually wrong with you.

It is good that you are finally opening up even if it is here, I am sure that means that you are ready for a big change,it will take time but hopefully you will be able to get help and let yourself be helped.

Take care..

[KBC]

Hi kal,

By reading this post I can see your family has suffered various mental illnesses, it might be hereditary.

I say that to help you acknowledge the perception I have,I am close to the issues you have described and want you to understand my reasoning clearly.

The 6 month cycling you described could very well be described as bi-polar, the manic description by your friends also.

A few questions I would like to ask, How are your sleeping habits? Your eating habits, Caffeine intake,etc? This is an area looked at by the pros concerned with situational chemical imbalances, then they look for the biological/neural ones.

The binge drinking? Was that just a one time thing, or a release from the pent-up feelings?

I have done that many many times in the past( being 41 now I can't recover from those big hangovers like when I was 21... lol) This is also looked at by the pros as conditional, or responsive behavior, due to situational circumstances. Meaning, was it a means to an end, did it cure the problem or make it worse by enabling you to act out(casual sex)and the beat yourself up, thinking 'Why did I ever do this? This isn't like me?'

The tragedy in the past has got bearing on the present,Do you need help? Probably.
Are you at the stage where you will be honest with a therapist/councilor? Only you can answer that.
Is medication the right way to treat your symptoms? Only a qualified professional can say, but you have to be willing to accept their help! Without it you might just as well keep going down the path of darkness your on, questioning your actions and motives.

Speaking from a stubborn, headstrong, opinionated German/Irish heritage, I can tell you I didn't want the help, It was the only option for me( other than suicide) My bi-polar disorder has gotten worse and more severe over the years, and I am told it will progress until I progress no further! So is medication/education about my illness necessary for me? ABSOLUTELY!

Here are the sites I advertise for a program my family and I have subscribed to, all dealing with bi-polar.

How to Recognize, Cope and Deal with Your Loved One's Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar Parenting

Discover the Comprehensive, Proven System That's Helped My Mom and Thousands of Other People with Bipolar Disorder Rebuild a “Normal” Life

And this one for support posted by another member.

DBSAlliance.org Forums (Powered by Invision Power Board)

If you have the time,willingness,and clear mindedness, look for the help I think you might need.

Keep us posted on your progress, I am interested and hopeful you will succeed.

Ken

[KalFour]

Thanks guys,
KBC, in answer to your questions... my sleeping habits are bad. I had mild insomnia from about 12 to 16. Never so bad that I couldn't sleep at all, but found sleeping very difficult. I usually fall asleep around 2 or 3 in the morning and get up between 7 and 8 depending on classes. I get up early often on the weekends too. I seem to have developed another weird sleeping habit though. That is, I often fall asleep whenever there's something going on around me that I want to avoid. If my situation is upsetting or uninteresting and I'm not physically interacting with anyone, I can fall asleep almost instantly... it's odd.
As for diet, it's generally pretty good. I have a fairly average height to weight ratio, though could probably afford to lose some weight... all it would take would be excercising a little more and eating chocolate a little less... but I eat enough, and a varied diet. I'm a vegetarian so get blood tests fairly regularly to make sure iron, omega 3. protein etc levels are high enough and haven't had any problems. I'm allowed to give blood. Don't think diet is too bad.
Caffeine might be more of a problem. I have about 1-3 cups of tea or coffee every day. I tried giving it up and got withdrawl headaches for a while... also failed to give up... makes me think I should definitely never take up smoking.
The binge drinking isn't common. It's happened a few times, but not regularly. I don't drink often and when I go out with friends I usually volunteer to be the designated driver... it's just that when I DO drink I don't tend to stop. I've never had enough to make myself sick or pass out, but I've definitely had enough to do some very stupid things. That being said, the casual sex has been completely un-alcohol related.
I don't know if I need help. I really don't like the idea of being medicated... I've seen what it does to people. But that being said, I've also seen what happens to people who go the majority of their lives undiagnosed with problems and remaining untreated.
I should probably go and talk to someone... but I don't know who. I'll look at the sites you recommended.
Thanks again,
Kal

[KBC]

Thank you for your follow up,

Your answers are important to bring with you to the interview( if you seek the help) remembering the questions I asked might help the care facility better diagnose your condition better.

Looking at your response to medications, what is it that you see as the worst problem with how medications do to people?Often perceptions of what others are going through are just that,perceptions.Medication can have side effects,study up and ask about their effects if you are prescribed any.

As to who to talk to,A good start might be the county health department, ask for referrals to qualified mental health clinics,a drug/alcohol recovery care facility,they deal with mental health issues too.Anywhere is better than trying to stay in the problem instead of looking for a solution.

Good luck, let us know how it works out for you,

Ken

[KalFour]

I've heard some people complain that mood regulators and anti-depressants make them feel flat. Others have said that they're consciously aware that their good mood is forced and they feel out of control of their own bodies. A couple have had weird hormone changes that effect them physically. I don't know... none of them seem happy with the results.

[KalFour]

Look what I found:
"Hyperthyroidism is a condition caused by the effects of too much thyroid hormone on tissues of the body. Although there are several different causes of hyperthyroidism, most of the symptoms that patients experience are the same regardless of the cause (see the list of symptoms below). Because the body's metabolism is increased, patients often feel hotter than those around them and can slowly lose weight even though they may be eating more. The weight issue is confusing sometimes since some patients actually gain weight because of an increase in their appetite. Patients with hyperthyroidism usually experience fatigue at the end of the day, but have trouble sleeping. Trembling of the hands and a hard or irregular heartbeat (called palpitations) may develop. These individuals may become irritable and easily upset. When hyperthyroidism is severe, patients can suffer shortness of breath, chest pain, and muscle weakness. Usually the symptoms of hyperthyroidism are so gradual in their onset that patients don't realize the symptoms until they become more severe. This means the symptoms may continue for weeks or months before patients fully realize that they are sick. In older people, some or all of the typical symptoms of hyperthyroidism may be absent, and the patient may just lose weight or become depressed." - (Found at Hyperthyroidism: Signs, Symptoms, Diagnosis, Causes and Treatments of Hyperthyroidism.)

Explains random tiredness and sleeping habits, difficulty sleeping at night, tremors, "...may become irritable and easily upset." - random moodiness, depression...

Am I just clutching at straws here or is it possible this could be entirely physical?

[firmbeliever]

Kal,
Go see a doctor, get some tests done.They will be able to determine if it is anything physical.
You should not try to diagnose these things by yourself.
At least this way you can eliminate the possibilities.

[KBC]

I've heard some people complain that mood regulators and anti-depressants make them feel flat. Others have said that they're consciously aware that their good mood is forced and they feel out of control of their own bodies. A couple have had weird hormone changes that effect them physically. I don't know... none of them seem happy with the results.

I think of medications as this:

How long did it take for me to get to this point, and now I see I need help.

Am I used to the way I have been up to now?

Are there going to be some changes in me on medications?(which will be rapid, versus how long it took to get to this point)

Am I comfortable with the idea that I might need medication,even for a short time, to get past this hurdle?

Do you think you have heard enough peoples testimonies on how medications work for them, or just the ones that complained loudest? Only you can make the decision, and medical assistance is the first step to an answer.

Ken

[Tuesday1377]

First of all, kudos to you for taking a serious look at what's going on with you!

You've gotten some VERY good feedback! Follow up with what they are suggesting. I saw your post about your concern about becoming a "zombie". Mental Illness is tricky to diagnose, and even trickier to treat. When you go to see a Doc, take a list of any and all medications that your family members are on. A lot of times, what works for the mom will work for the daughter, etc. This can sometimes save the LONG process of trial and error. Keep in mind that different medications work differently in different people. One medication that makes Jack a zombie could be the wonder drug that Jill was waiting for. I am heavily medicated (for your safety :)), and am not a zombie.

Another thing to take into consideration is a condition known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD.) It has to do with the change in seasons and the lack of sunlight, or full spectrum light. Sometimes you can have a mild, underlying problem that gets exacerbated by SAD. Just food for research and thought.

The best advice that I've been given? Keep an open mind and don't give up! Good luck and God Bless!

[KalFour]

That's part of the problem, no one on my family is medicated. Very few people in my family are officially diagnosed with anything, but there are some cases where it's obvious and we have a known history. I can't refer to anything they've taken. My aunt who suffers from extreme paranoia (among other things) has chosen marijuana as her only form of medication, whioch has done nothing to improve the situation. The zombie affect is something I see on friends and people my own age. All the same, it's worth looking into.
All I have to do is take the plunge and talk to somebody.
On a side note, I got a blood test for hyperthyroidism... and was much more disappointed than I should have been when they told me I'm healthy.

[KBC]

Disappointed?

I take it you were thinking that there was something else wrong?

[KalFour]

Well I was disappionted. I'd convinced myself that I had hyperthyroidism. IT speeds up the metabolism ad the symptoms include moods swings, tremors, apathy, agitation and a range of other things I'm experiencing.
It just would have been easier to believe that there's something wrong with me physically.

[KBC]

And now that those other things are found not true, what do you do now?

[KalFour]

Well... I guess I have to actually do something about it... Go talk to someone.
:S

[KBC]

Is this so bad, you still sound disappointed.(could be my perception)

Are you in a place to accept help like this?I hope you are, it's just a phone call,a doctors visit,maybe therapy, maybe medication.Not much more than having the flu.But a lot better than having cancer, this is treatable, and you get to keep your hair too!! :p

Please, remember, you are not going through this alone, in here, you have a support group, on your side, wanting you to get better, I have found quite a few new friends in here in just a few months,Be yourself and this too shall pass.

Ken

[KalFour]

I guess I am disappointed. The reason I chose this site was because it allows me some anonymity... I still don't like the idea of talking to someone in person. But I've been suggesting other people do it in other forums... might be a good idea to practice what I'm preaching for a change...
I just keep having these visions of finding out that there's something terribly wrong with me, and my family either not believeing me or overreacting and kicking me out. Or being medicated and ending up a zombie... And I guess I'm also afraid to have some of my fears confirmed... It's one thing to think that my mindset is weird... it's completely different to actually have a preofessional say it's true.
But I have to do something about it... so I will.
And thanks Ken, I've really appreciated your advice.
Kal

[KBC]

Look at these sites(they may or may not pertain to you)

All About Depression: General: Types, Symptoms, Statistics, Effects

http://www.medicinenet.com/depression/article.html-29k-

Welcome to Depression.com

DBSAlliance.org Forums (Powered by Invision Power Board)

How to Recognize, Cope and Deal with Your Loved One's Bipolar Disorder

Any one of these are valuable to the person or the family,you have to accept it first though.

PS, it took me 20 years to fully accept my diagnosis of bi-polar disorder,I wouldn't wish those 20 years of self-doubt on anyone,that's why I am a biggie on looking for help and acceptance.

Ken