[slievegullion]

Hi,
Sorry if this post is long, I just have so much stuff and confusion in my head at the minute. Myself and my girlfriend have been on a break for the past 3 weeks. We have been together for just under 3 years and what I always thought to be a great relationship. We started going out when she was 21 and I was 25 but had been friends for a few years before that. Then a few weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon after a great weekend together she dropped the bombshell that she needed to take a break. Having read many posts on this website I know that I'm not the only person to be feeling as bad as I do at the minute. Its just the worst feeling in the world and I hate myself for feeling this way. She told me that she still loves me and that there is nobody else involved and that her reason for wanting a break has not got to do with her wanting to see other people.

She said that she needs to take some time apart because she feels there are things that she needs to think about. We have talked about these things and some of them have arisen because neither of us spoke about them and just got on with things. They are not huge and are easily fixable if our relationship continues after this break. What annoyed/worried me about this was that she didn't want to talk about them and opted for the extreme option of a break. The other issues have to do with her. She is in 2nd year of her phd and she is thinking about a few years down the line when she is finished. She said she is worried about whether she might turn down future research work (possibly abroad) when she is finished because she has to think about the 2 of us. I told her that that is something we could deal with when it arose and that I would not stand in her way of doing post phd work. She is also worried about the fact that we wouldn't likely be married until I was in my 30s because she wouldn't want to get engaged as soon as her phd is finished. Having finished my phd just 2 years ago I told her that I know what it takes to get through a phd and that when you finish it there are plenty of things that you'll want to do before settling down and that I am in no way in a hurry for settling.

The other thing that has been on her mind is that she doesn't want to get to her late 20s and have any regrets about being in a relationship for this time. The question for me I guess is whether she thinks that is an important enough issue to end what we have. She has said that after this break she wants after all this thinking to feel she wants us to be together. 1 of my friends has said it sounds like my girlfriend is having a mid 20s crisis.

When she mentioned she wanted us to have a break I agreed to it because I don't want us to break up and still love her very very much. We agreed that we would take a break and sort things in January which is very hard because this is over the christmas period when you're suppose to be with the 1 you love. After a week she text me to see how I was doing and whether I wanted to meet for coffee. I text back and told her that while there was nothing I would like more than that that it would be very hard for me to see her as it wouldn't be under normal circumstances. I told her that obviously I wanted to call and text her but held back so that I wasn't invading her space and given her the break she asked for. We agreed to talk on the phone that night (I should point out that when we agreed to the break we said we'd chat occassionally). We had a good phone chat and also talked about some other things that were bothering her as id felt I was in total shock the last time we chatted and hadn't got some points across. I brought up the issue of meeting up and said that we would be better off to go a few weeks without seeing each other so that by the time christmas came she'd feel she had a proper break and hadn't ended up meeting once a week for coffee. She thought this was a good idea. We left that she could call me as I didn't want to be hassling her. She acknowledged that she knew I didn't want the break and thanked me for going along with it. I also know that if we get back together that things have to change and everythings can't be on her terms.

This week it'll have been 3 weeks without seen each other and 2 weeks without talking. I have to be honest and say that I'm finding it so hard as I have no idea what she is thinking or what is likely to happen in January. I guess not hearing from her worries me that she is not thinking about me anymore and that she is finding this a lot easier than me. Id hope that she feels that what we have is worth fighting for. My friends have said I should prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I'm realistic enough to realise there is a big chance we won't get back together but this not knowing makes it very hard for me to move on. If she wants to break up I wish she would just tell me now so that I can get on with things. I'm wondering is her not been in touch over the last 2 weeks mean she's decided its over (she was the 1 who wanted to stay in touch during the break). With this being her request its easier for her because she knows before I do if its over and can adjust to things quicker. I don't like that she has all the cards and January seems a long time off. Am tempted to ring her later in the week so see what the story is as I'm finding this so hard and don't want my life put on hold.


Sorry for the long post, it was good to get stuff out of my head. Any advice would be grately appreciated. Thanks.

[kctiger]

Just read the title of your thread, thus there is no need for me to read further. She wants a break and you are unsure as far as what to do. Here it is:

Give her a break! Don't call or contact her, and live your life. She wants a break, so she shall have one.

[talaniman]

Confusion is understandable, when you break up, and are trying to make adjustments to being single again.

I know you want to talk it out, with her, and get it back together, but when a female wants a break, you give it to them.

Just start planning your own life that you enjoy, and live it to be happy about who you are, and don't look back.

We never know how things will work, but the good part is, the finding out what life has in store for you.

It may take a while to feel like you can enjoy yourself and be happy without her, but you will. We all do, as we have all been through the growing process, and you will make it too!

Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum, for some insights, to help you cope with your situation.

[ZoeMarie]

I have to be honest and say that im finding it so hard as I have no idea what she is thinking or what is likely to happen in january.

I have to be honest, that's exactly why I think breaks are a bad idea. They seem to cause more pain and confusion than a break-up would. At least with a break-up you know where the other person stands. My advice would be to start moving on. It's not fair to you to have to wait and wonder.