[lemanruss58]

Hi,

My girlfriend/fiance is having doubts about our relationship. We have broken up and gotten back together twice over a 1 1/2 year period, but be recently got back together and sort of got engaged. Not an "official" engagement, no ring or wedding date or anything, but we have committed to each other in preparation for marriage years from now.

For the past week she has been really distant and abrupt with me. Whenever I talked to her, we only talked for a couple minutes at most because she said she had things to do. I asked her if everything was all right and she said yes. Well, fast forward to yesterday and she let me know that she is having doubts about us. She says that there are days when she wants to be with me and days she doesn't. She even went as far to say that there are some days she loves me and some days she doesn't. Whenever I try to talk about it with her, she dismisses it and says "I don't know" to almost everything I ask. She says she has tried really hard to be happy, but that she just doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not.

If I ask "Do you still want to be with me?" she says "I don't know." If I ask if things between us will be all right soon, she says "I don't know." etc, etc.

When we have broken up before, she exhibits the same type of uncertain behavior. And even when were were broken up, we would talk about us and she would still say "I don't know" to everything, but we would eventually get back together.

Finally, when I have talked to her on the phone and I say "I love you," she responds with a simple "uh huh." no I love you back, nothing.


Look, I know I have my own faults and I acknowledge that I may be doing something to make her feel this way. I am by no means perfect. But I honestly don't think I'm to blame for this. I tell her often how much I love and appreciate her. I even leave little notes for her to find as surprises. Maybe I'm doing something wrong that I don't know about, its certainly possible, but I just can't think of anything.

I love this girl and I DO want to marry her in a few years. But she isn't making it easy with her flip-flop attitude. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[JBeaucaire]

You are doing something wrong. Something very wrong. You're equating your feelings and expectations as something that should be returned because you have them and tell her. How odd that people do this, and they do it a LOT.

Telling her you love her, and meaning it, by no means creates a return. Nor is it supposed to. It is TOTALLY awesome when it does and the return is sincere, but that's not why you say "I love you". You say it because it's information you want her to have.

I see this over and over, people are actually HURT when they say "I love you/I need you/I want to be with you forever" and the other person doesn't reciprocate immediately (or at all). That's supposed to be a sincere, unneedy statement of fact and intent. You put it out there because it's true. And you leave it there.

If it's returned, you build on it. You foster your two-way relationship and grow it into something awesome.

If it's not returned, and here's where people get wonky, you're supposed to be OK with that, because you now know it's not to be. But instead of acknowledging that, the "loving" person so often goes into "desperation mode" and tries to convince the other person to come around. The result is just a needy, one-way relationship. And sometimes the other person gives in and what misery follows that!

You deserve a two-way love. Look for it. When you're interested in a girl, pursue her. When you catch her, foster your attraction and see what happens. And after being together a year and you find your love is growing still, TELL HER and see if she is on the same path. If she isn't, it isn't the end of the world, you know? It is just reality.

You and this girl have been together off and on long enough for you to know how she really feels. I already know from your story, which means you do, too, and you're avoiding the painful reality.

That is unfortunate, but I believe the end is inevitable. You want to marry her? OK. Picture honestly in your mind a life married to someone who is just "sort of" interested in you. It could happen. You could talk this half-hearted girl down the aisle, you really could.

Now imagine walking down the aisle with a girl who is bouncing and dragging you to the altar she's so excited to be with you and have you. Imagine THAT wedding, and THAT marriage.

I hope your imagination leads you to a good choice here. It's your whole life at stake.

[lemanruss58]

Thank you for your response. It opened my eyes. And you're right, I shouldn't be with someone who is "sort of" interested in me. But I still love her and want to make this work. I really don't know what to do at this point.

[JBeaucaire]

If you were just starting with this girl, I'd have one suggestion. Here's my life-anecdote that would apply:

I once professed my interest in a girl for MONTHS, asked her out many times before she finally gave in and went out with me. Surprisingly, she had fun. She was two years ahead of me in college, though I was an older Freshman, so we are almost the same age.

Anyway, though it was one-sided, I continued, convinced her try out with me, and we were married 2 years later. Pretty cool, huh? We are still married, but my wife is my 4th love.

For you and your situation, a different story applies, since we are talking about someone you already have dated and things are not going as desired.

My 3rd love I was engaged to, loved her DEARLY, and after dating for over two years and almost ready to walk down the aisle, we broke up. Unusual was that it was mutual. We both realized we loved each other very much, but neither one of us was doing what we REALLY wanted with our lives, and as long as we were together we wouldn't, because we didn't share enough in common. She wanted to go to New York to be a model and I wanted to got to college to be Music Minister.

So we realized that love wasn't enough, we had to live life, too. We broke up, and I started school in California 8 months later.

BTW, I met my wife the first day I stepped on the campus. Boy do WE have a lot in common.

So, after you've actually STARTED the dating process, your feelings are no longer the most important thing. They got the ball rolling, but now you're supposed to be testing each other out and finding out if you two can really cut it "forever". And for that, it takes WAY more than googie love feelings.

Understand?

[lemanruss58]

Yeah I do. So, are you basically saying that there's no chance for a relationship with her? Or rather, a healthy one?

[talaniman]

How long will it take to realize she isn't working as hard on this relationship as you feel she should?? How do you profess love to someone and get "uh huh."? Either adjust your attitude, or drastically change your tactics, as whatever your doing ain't working.

I don't see this lasting much longer. Love is sharing and caring, is that what your doing with her??

[Questions2007]

How long will it take to realize she isn't working as hard on this relationship as you feel she should??? How do you profess love to someone and get "uh huh." ?? Either adjust your attitude, or drastically change your tactics, as whatever your doing ain't working.

I don't see this lasting much longer. Love is sharing and caring, is that what your doing with her???

I think that she is being smothered! We have all been in a situation where we have someone who sacrifices there own individuality for the good of their partner. That can't be exciting for her! I am sure you weren't like that when you first met her?

Start being yourself again, do your own thing. Don't make her the priority in your life when you are only an option in hers.

If you start to get yourself back one of two things will happen. Either she will think that is good, and also step back, meaning the relationship probably wasn't meant to be or, she will start to see that she may be losing you and/or be attracted to you again, and respond positvely.

Either of those has to be better than this no mans land you are in now?