[JS5893]

I live in TN. I have a 3 yr. old grandson whom I've taken care of since he was 4 weeks old. His parent(s) lived with me also until the mother died a year and a half ago from a drug overdose, upstairs in the bathtub with the child in the tub with her and was not found for 3 hrs. My son is the father, more like a sperm donor, he's not Dad material.

Five months after the mother died, my son, whom is 23 now moved in with a 19 yr. old girl that has also has a child. She then got pregnant, my son found out by DNA test that the baby is NOT his, but continues to live with her. This girl doesn't want to be around my 3 yr. old grandson, so he's not allowed to go to "their" place, yet she wants my son to be around "her" kids. He has been coming to "VISIT" his 3 yr. old son here at my house for the last year since he moved out. Now because the girlfriend can't handle taking care of 2 kids (she is 19) she wants him there at "their" house to help her. I suggested birth control.

So now my Son says he's only going to come VISIT his 3 yr. old son every other day and only 1 day on weekends. He didn't ASK, he TOLD me. He has NEVER provided any money, clothes or food for this child. Even when the Mom was alive, he was left with me 90% of the time. I told my son he needs to take responsibility for his child and step up to the plate. I told him his little boy needs him now more than ever since his Mom is dead. So basically the little boy lost his Mom 2/07 and his dad moved out and left him 7/07. He was only 23 months old at the time. This has to affect him emotionally. Now he's going to be only coming 2 hrs. 2 days a week and once on weekend. I told him no, that he was to come everyday, he said NO, I'll be back in a couple of days......and every other day from here on out. THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

I told him to either be a responsible parent or sign custody of him over to me. As it is, I have no legal rights to this child, but yet I'm taking care of him 24/7 (with the exception of his 2 hr. visits), providing all his food, clothes, and everything else he needs. He won't give me any money or come watch his child for a couple of hours. If this was a daycare, they would call child services on him. I told him I wanted custody if he refuses to take responsibility for his child and he threatened to kill me (blow my brains out), but yet he won't take care of him. My husband tried talking to him when he was leaving one night and my husband told him to stop using vulgar language in front of the child and he turned around and threw a can and hit my husband in the face, blood went everywhere and he had to go to the emergency room and get 10 stitches above and below his eye. He didn't call the police because it was my son.

I have one problem and my son blackmails me with it. I have a warrant out on me in another state for assault on my brother (he attacked me and I hit back in self defense), I was back home before I found out he called the police and took out a warrant and was shocked since he hit me several times first. I don't have the money to go to court, but make too much for court appointed attorney... so I just stay out of that state. WILL THAT PREVENT ME FROM GETTING CUSTODY here in my home state if he tells the court I have a warrant out on me in another state? To make it go away without spending $20,000 attorney fees to fight it (which I don't have), I would have to plead guilty and spend $5,000. Attorney fees plus fines and end up with a criminal record. After that, I have no faith in the judicial system. That's why it hasn't been dealt with. I've never even so much as had a traffic ticket... always been an upstanding law biding citizen, what happened was a family argument after my dad died, my brother's way of keeping me out of state so I can't challenge him in court over my dad's estate. Will it affect my chances of getting custody of my grandchild if he tells the court, which I'm sure he will?

If I can't get custody, what am I suppose to do? How can someone just leave their child and expect someone else to raise it, take on all the financial responsibilities and go about their merry life. I love this little boy, he's been through way more than he should ever have had to already in his short life of 3 yrs. My son is a pathological liar, irresponsible, selfish, neglectful person. Thank God my other 2 children are great parents and turned out great. Isn't there a law that can make him provide for this child's care? Or make him come take care of his child a couple of hours everyday? If not... what are my legal options? HELP!

[rockinmommy]

There's clearly no way YOU can make your irresponsible son do anything. Of course he has responsibilities to his son, but since there are no legal custody/child support rulings in place there's nothing to enforce. Even if there were, it sounds like he'd be first in line for the Dead-Beat Dad of the Year award.

You need a good attorney. He/she can not only help you gain custody, but help you sort out your other legal troubles. If you really can't afford one then I guess you'd have to call in Child Protective Services if you're worried about the child's welfare. You'd have to claim that the child has been abandoned by his father and I guess sort it out from there.

Is your son coming on his own accord, or after you call him, ask him to come, etc? I'm just wondering if you totally left him alone if he'd stop coming by. That might set you up in a better position to get custody - if that's what you want. The more pathetic he appears to be, the stronger your case.

[JudyKayTee]

There's clearly no way YOU can make your irresponsible son do anything. Of course he has responsibilities to his son, but since there are no legal custody/child support rulings in place there's nothing to enforce. Even if there were, it sounds like he'd be first in line for the Dead-Beat Dad of the Year award.

You need a good attorney. He/she can not only help you gain custody, but help you sort out your other legal troubles. If you really can't afford one then I guess you'd have to call in Child Protective Services if you're worried about the child's welfare. You'd have to claim that the child has been abandoned by his father and I guess sort it out from there.

Is your son coming on his own accord, or after you call him, ask him to come, etc? I'm just wondering if you totally left him alone if he'd stop coming by. That might set you up in a better position to get custody - if that's what you want. The more pathetic he appears to be, the stronger your case.

Absolutely - and if the child is in danger you MUST report the situation to CPS. Obviously your warrant is a problem - and you could be arrested at any time - that you have to resolve before you make any attempt at custody.

Your husband could also file for a restraining order against your son - might make the situation worse but it's a thought.

[JS5893]

Thanks for responding. I'm almost 50 yrs. Old and never realized how lacking the legal system is set up. There seems to be more laws written for animals (pets) than there are for children. Where on earth do they get the idea that the child being with a parent is the first option in the courts, there is much much more to being a parent that merely being a biological sperm donor, how do they see that as the first choice and make it so hard to give custody to another family member that does put the child first. They need to change the laws.

Any more suggestions or options welcomed.

Thanks.

[cdad]

Thanks for responding. I'm almost 50 yrs. old and never realized how lacking the legal system is set up. There seems to be more laws written for animals (pets) than there are for children. Where on earth do they get the idea that the child being with a parent is the first option in the courts, there is much much more to being a parent that merely being a biological sperm donor, how do they see that as the first choice and make it so hard to give custody to another family member that does put the child first. They need to change the laws.

Any more suggestions or options welcomed.

Thanks.

Have you tried calling social services and finding out what it would take to gain custody as a foster parent then later adopt your grandbaby fully. That might be the route to go because then you should be getting state aide for the child like tenncare and also food stamps and some support at a minimum. Yes the courts will chase after him for child support and he's just going to have to grow up. Also if he ever brings " mom " his laundry to do be sure to super glue all his zippers shut so he takes the hint.

Call on the warrant and they might tell you its not one they would extradite you for or depending on how old it may not even exist anymore.

[JS5893]

That's an idea about foster parent, I'll have to check into that. However, I feel as though this out of state warrant hanging over my head is going to be a major problem for me. I have a feeling I'm going to have to get that taken care of before I will have a chance to pursue the matter of gaining custody of my grandchild.

It seems so unfair that I was attacked and defended myself as I was hemmed up in a corner, yet much to my shock I learned you can become a fugitive without the police as much as even talking to me to find out what happened or my side of the story. And to make matters worse, an innocent person has to end up going in debt over their head just to plead not guilty to defend with the other option being still going in debt (less than the other choice) to plead guilty to something you're not guilty of in order not to go into such debt and not go to trial, and still end up with a criminal record. I guess I was just naïve thinking that only criminals are in this position, never did I dream the justice system is so screwed up. Nobody is safe from this happening to them.

Like I said, I've never been in trouble with the law in my life and don't know much about these things. The warrant has never been served on me as I was already back in my home state when I found out about it. I am pretty sure they don't extradite from another state (GA) on a misdemeanor charge, but have been told if I was pulled over here in my home state and they ran my name through the national computer, the warrant would come up and they would be obligated to arrest me and hold me until the red tape paper work came back from GA saying they would not extradite. Someone told me that it can't be dropped by the person who took it out, another said that because the warrant was never served that it was up to the police if they wanted to drop it or not, another said it was up to the state. If anybody knows anything about warrants in GA, I would appreciate any information. Maybe I should list the whole warrant issue as a separate question. Any help or input would be greatly appreciated. I think I would have a much better chance getting things squared away with my grandchild if I could get this behind me... if only money grew on trees. :(

[JudyKayTee]

It seems so unfair that I was attacked and defended myself as I was hemmed up in a corner, yet much to my shock I learned you can become a fugitive without the police as much as even talking to me to find out what happened or my side of the story. And to make matters worse, an innocent person has to end up going in debt over their head just to plead not guilty to defend with the other option being still going in debt (less than the other choice) to plead guilty to something you're not guilty of in order not to go into such debt and not go to trial, and still end up with a criminal record. I guess I was just naive thinking that only criminals are in this position, never did I dream the justice system is so screwed up. Nobody is safe from this happening to them.(

I've been with you up to now but here's my problem - the fact that your son is blackmailing you is most definitely NOT the fault of the Police and the Police did not cause you to become a "fugitive." Be angry with your son, be angry with your brother, be angry with yourself - I don't know happened but the fact that you are in this position is your fault. You've known about the warrant, you've apparently made no effort to resolve the problem, you simply were gone and stayed gone.

If you wanted somebody to listen to your side of the story then you should have contacted the Police, gone back to Georgia, done whatever it takes to tell your side of the story - not just simply stayed gone, hoping it would go away. You don't know if "the system" is screwed up - you never gave "the system" a chance.

People are safe from this happening to them - they don't put their hands on other people and if they do and it's self defense, then they go to Court and defend themselves. Assigned counsel is available - this does not have to break the bank.

If you are stopped and there is a warrant and you are arrested and that baby is in the car with you, then what happens to your Grandchild?

[JS5893]

I never said my son blackmailing me is the police's fault, that's my son being a vengeful and ungrateful son after all I've done for him and doing his job of raising his child for him. If you read my post you would see that I was already back in TN. Before I found out the police had been called. Considering I was the one attacked repeatedly and was in a corner, I only did what I had to do to get out of that situation. I am always willing to own up to my mistakes, but I was the victim in this case. As far as going to Ga. And doing whatever it took to tell my side of the story... if it were only that simple. I spoke to 2 attorney's, both advised me that if I didn't have the money to hire an attorney (and I'm barely over the limit that excludes me from a court appointed attorney) to stay out of the state. This happened 7 years ago. They told me my 2 options were:

1) To plead INNOCENT, the fee for a criminal trial would be $20,000. And was told it could be dragged out for a very long time, that price would not include any possible fines. I don't have $20,000. And can't afford a loan for that amount and don't qualify for court appointed attorney. Unless you're rich, who can afford $20,000. For attorney fees for a criminal trial?? Not me.

2) Other option would be to hire an attorney for $5,000. And get a plea deal BEFORE going back, once accepted, I would have to turn myself in, be arrested and booked, with possible fines most likely and it would be over EXCEPT I would have a criminal record (even though I'm innocent by reason of self defense). Having a criminal record certainly isn't going to help my case with my grandchild either... not to mention it's hard for me to admit guilt to a criminal act for something that was done to me.

I have come to believe there are 2 kinds of police and prosecutors. Some that are there to protect citizens and are interested in the truth. The other kind are those that just want a case closed and aren't interested in the truth, they just want another notch on their belt for closing another case. And FYI, I personally called the officer that issued the warrant and tried to explain... he wasn't interested even though my daughter witnessed the incident and she herself was "hit" by the same brother that morning. The officer didn't even want to listen to my side of the story and said he would drop the case when hell froze over. So in the police's eyes, I am guilty without a trial. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? They are taking my brother's side because he has political pull. As far as what will happen if I'm pulled over here in my home state, as I said, they would have to pull my name up on the national computer in order to find the outstanding warrant, and if that happened, they will take me in until they hear the official word that GA won't extradite me on the misdemeanor charge, and a family member can be called to pick up the child IF this happened, which I pray never does. But honestly, under all of these circumstances, I don't know what else to do.

So considering the financial hardship, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

[JudyKayTee]

So considering the financial hardship, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

If my brother assaulted me I'd have called the Police first, not waited to see what would happen next, and my brother would be in your shoes and you would be in his. Hard to believe you are totally innocent with witnesses and the Police are "against you" but then I don't live in Georgia.

I also would get this straightened out somehow - before you lose custody of that child.

[cdad]

What is the charge that you have been given? Domestic violence ? Simple assault ? If it's a misdemeanor then I don't see how it would cost that kind of money. Another thing is if you have to plea you can plead noloconteste = no contest. That way its neither an admission of guilt nor innoccence. Based on your record and even if you feel like it make a promise not to return then they should let you go with probation only or maybe order anger management which you can do in your home state. Best thing and first order is to call down there and see what it is your accused of.

This is a pay service but you might want to look into it.

CourtRecords.org - Court Records, Criminal Records, Arrest Records, and Police Records

Atlanta Criminal Defense Lawyers - Georgia DUI Attorneys - Atlanta Divorce Attorney - Conaway & Strickler, P.C.

[JS5893]

Thanks for the advice Califdadof3. The warrant is for assault. It is a misdemeanor, but is in the criminal court system. As far as the cost, those amounts are what I was given by the 2 different attorney's that quoted me a price, they come highly recommended. They told me that if I didn't want the cost of pleading innocent, that I would be better off to get an attorney to get a plea deal with a judge before I go to GA. I was told that pleading no-contest that I wouldn't be assured of what the judge would give me, not knowing which judge I would get, I could get one that wouldn't be in my best interest. Pleading guilty and having a plea set up would be safer they said. But then I would have a criminal record. So basically I have to plead guilty to something because I don't have the money to plead innocent. Wouldn't you know that I'd make too much for a court appointed attorney, although I've heard sometimes you get some really bad ones. I know nothing about criminal law as I have never been in trouble with the law. I was told that I'd probably get probation + fines and maybe ordered to go to anger management classes. That particular town has a very political judicial system. It's kind of "who you know" if you know what I mean. And I don't know anybody in the court system down there. Having never been in trouble with the law,. I was shocked to find out the law and justice aren't necessarily one and the same. It almost seems like the judicial system works for the criminals better than the innocent in many cases. I once was naïve and thought different, I guess you never know until you've been there. I also never dreamed my brother would do all the things he has done, but money makes people do strange things.

Just as I can't believe I have no recourse in the courts concerning how my son is doing me, his own mother and his little boy, he just moved out and left him with me knowing I'm not going to let him go hungry or without food, clothes and medical care. How can there not be some kind of laws that look out for the children more. My son is proof that DNA alone does not make a parent. All parents are not created equal! I've tried talking to him, his dad has tried talking to him, he has no desire to change for the better. I feel as though my hands are tied. There needs to be better laws concerning cases like this.

[JudyKayTee]

Just as I can't believe I have no recourse in the courts concerning how my son is doing me, his own mother and his little boy, he just moved out and left him with me knowing I'm not going to let him go hungry or without food, clothes and medical care. How can there not be some kind of laws that look out for the children more. My son is proof that DNA alone does not make a parent. All parents are not created equal!! I've tried talking to him, his dad has tried talking to him, he has no desire to change for the better. I feel as though my hands are tied. There needs to be better laws concerning cases like this.

But, again, here's my problem with this - you DO have options. "Normally" you could get a restraining order against your son; you could file for custody of your grandchild, alleging neglect. Your hands aren't tied by the legal system - your hands are tied by an outstanding warrant.

Bottom line - what do you want to accomplis here? Legal custody of the grandchild? Support from your son for the child and he keeps custody? An order protecting you from your son?

[JS5893]

Your hands aren't tied by the legal system - your hands are tied by an outstanding warrant.

JudyKayTee, think what you want, it's obvious you think this is all my fault. If I had committed a crime... such as assaulting my brother first or without provocation... then I should have a warrant on me. What I have a problem with is them executing a warrant for me without even as much as talking to me. I even had witnesses, but they didn't care, so I feel the warrant was initiated wrongly. At the least it should have been my word against my brother's. I had my cell phone with me, my brothers had my number, I'm sure my daughter even gave them the number, but they were not interested in even asking my side of the story to see if I was in the right or wrong. So I feel the legal system let me down, I was the victim in this situation, not the criminal. Once a warrant is executed, it causes a financial hardship on that person, if you're the criminal that would be deserving, but if you are innocent that in my book is so totally wrong. If they had checked out all the facts first, and the fact I had witnesses, a warrant should never have been issued. I never called the police on my brother because what kind of person calls the law on their blood family, it's not like he had a history of this before that day. I think many brothers and sisters at some point in their life come to blows. I was hurt much worse by the fact he called the police on his own sister than I was him hitting me, things like that tear families apart forever, which is one reason the system usually treats domestic situations different... usually. As I said, if a reputable officer had been the acting I feel this wrongly issued warrant would never have come about.

I'm not sure if you or someone you are close to works in the "system", maybe that's the reason for your hostility. Whether you want to believe it or not, there are good cops and bad cops, good attorneys and bad attorneys, good judges and bad judges... to think anything different is extremely naïve. Due to over zealous police which don't have the truth as their priority is the reason there are so many innocent people sitting in prison. Do you have any idea how many people have served 10, 20, 30 years in prison for a crime they didn't do before someone finally proves their innocence? Not because the police made a mistake, but because they were so anxious to hurry and close the case by pinning it on anybody, just to close the case instead of finding the truth, while the real criminal runs free. To the police, prosecutors, and judges that are truly honest and works toward justice, I applaud them for their great sense of integrity. Unfortunately that is not always the case, between crooked officials and lack of laws, many innocent people are wrongly convicted and lives ruined.

I would have never dreamed in a million years that I would ever be in the situation I am in, but the fact remains, 7 years of my life have been turned upside down resulting in preventing me from rarely seeing 2 of my children and 2 of my grandchildren and my elderly mother who all live in GA, preventing me from spending time that I can never get back with them. As I am disabled due to severe back problems and a deteriorating spine, I can't walk very far at a time without having to sit down and can't sit for a long period without having to take breaks, taking care of a 3 yr. old is taxing (he's in a delayed terrible 2's), but at the same time he helps me to keep going. Hopefully he'll be better by the time he is 4 yrs. Old and gets through this stage. I am unable to work and have no income other than my husband's, I am unable to draw disability because when I worked for the county for 9 yrs. they didn't take out social security when I was younger... I didn't realize it at the time being young and naïve, and my husband makes barely over the amount to prevent me from getting any kind of help from the govt.

So yes, money for me is an issue as far as having to come up with the high expense of hiring an attorney (don't qualify for court appointed attorn.), plus fines, especially since I am not the criminal in this situation. This warrant that was wrongly issued not only has caused me financial hardship, but much stress that is not good for me, and losing so much time with my family in GA. With all my expenses for medical cost that I have after insurance pays, it is still a lot, and I am also paying the expense to raise my grandson. We just get by if you know what I mean. My grandson doesn't lack for any necessities, but we don't have any extra money either, and my grandson needs to go to preschool at least 3 days a week in the coming months for socialization skills if nothing else, he is never around any children. If his father would give me some money to help with his expenses for that it would be good, but he won't. If he doesn't want to be a responsible parent then he needs to just sign custody over to me. As it is, my grandson doesn't even have insurance, his dad doesn't have insurance at his work, and my husband can't put him on our insurance because we don't have guardianship or custody of him. I also can't even sign him up for school legally. I can't even apply for insurance through the state for him because I am not his guardian or have custody of him.

You can blame me all you want to, but I feel the system and a lack of laws concerning a biological parent and what is best for children, has let me down. I guess you'd just have to be in my shoes to grasp the depth of this situation. I'm just in search of legal options.

[cdad]

In judy's defence what she is trying to do is to get you to focus on the hurdles you have before you rather then to blame a system. We all know things aren't perfect. As far as your grandson goes you could and should get tenncare for him. That will pay for medical and dental expenses till he reaches 18. We all feel for you on the one hand for having a son that is acting so irresponsible ( every parents nightmare ).. and on the other hand applaud you ( for not abandoning your grandchild ). Another reality you might look into for something if anything as far as money coming in for the child is.. if the mother worked at any time in her life then he should be getting survivors benefit from SSI because he's still a minor child. Also Im not sure but Tennessee also offers a program called WIC.. pronounced wick ( women.. infant.. children ) it's a benefit program that has food and other things in it that you may qualfy for. Judy is just trying to help. She isn't trying to disrespect you nor would she from the many posts I have read. She is just trying to point out that no matter how ( just or unjust ) the warrant came about its yours to deal with. That's not a judgement call its reality. Sometimes the truth is stranger then fiction and also harder to swallow. Im curious but do you get periodic statements from SSA telling you that there is any benefit not matter how limited ? Or did you always work for government that didn't ever pay into the system?
Good Luck