[suddenImpact]

Ok, I'm at a point where I really don't know what to do. I've been with my girlfriend for 4 1/2 years now, and we have a daughter that's almost 10 months. I recently asked how to get the spark back in our relationship, I've tried many of the ideas and it don't seem like anything is working. I get home everyday and clean the house, she never has to do any of it. I've tried to take her out with just the two of us for a night here and there, and nothing seems to work, all we do is argue about the stupidest things.
Last week we had a big argument, because I found out she has been talking with an x online, I asked what they talked about, and she blew up saying that I don't trust her. After doing a lot of arguing, and a lot of crying, we finally worked it out.
I work 2 jobs, one full time and one part time. Just yesterday I was offered a new (good) job making the same as I do at my current full time job, but with full benefits (right now I pay over $200 a month for insurance). I've been at my current full time job for almost 8 years now. She told me that if I leave my current full time job, then she will leave me. What kind of crap is that? I would love to open my own business, but every time I mention anything, she just shoots the idea down saying that we can't afford it. I'm so tired of my current job, every day drags by, I'm ready for something else... ANYTHING else. I've tried to tell her many times that I hate my job, but all she says "well what happens if the new job don't work out"... which is true it would suck, but you can't go through life without ever taking a chance! How can I get her to see that? I know we argue a lot, but I love her and I really don't want to leave her. But I feel like if I don't, I'm going to be stuck where I am for the rest of my life... what do I do?

[JBeaucaire]

Take the new job. Once the job switch is complete, tell her you got laid off during a downsizing and are taking the other job before it's gone, too.

If she's being unreasonable, you have to still do what is right. Your job takes up too much of your day to stay miserable, and this is a $200 a month raise, too. Take the job.

My wife screamed bloody murder about 15 years ago when I left my job for another opportunity that wasn't more money, but had more room for me to grow in. I had to grit my teeth and just do it. 15 years later I'm still working there and have moved to 4th from the top in the company. She still doesn't like the company, but is glad I'm there.

Do what you must if you know it is right.

[starlite1]

Hi SI,

I think JB has an excellent idea. I would take the new job. Just wondering; did your girlfriend say why she didn't want you to take the new job?

[chuff]

Something is wrong here. She should be encouraging you to expand your horizons, not shutting the door on them. Also, she is cheating on you emotionally, if she's talking to an ex and not telling you about it.

[liz28]

You have every right to question her about talking to her ex without jumping to conclusions, I would question her not wanted to be open about what they talk about. Something must be up!

Secondly, its good you tried to get the spark back in your realationship but it takes two to make it work.

Thirdly, if your unhappy with your job then its time to try a different avenue, do what makes you happy. I was an acs worker and was unhappy and went to school to become a nurse and now I really happy in what I do, and glad I make the career change.

What exactly does she do, besides talk to her ex and wants to argue? Your plate is full with two jobs and a home in turmol.

[talaniman]

Take the job, is your wife still working?

Nothing seems to work, all we do is argue about the stupidest things.

If your still arguing, then remember this.

Talaniman, May 20th.
Before I forget, it's a good idea to know when to shut up, and let her vent, so don't always take what she says as personal. Get in the mirror, and practice... "Yes dear!!! "Of course dear", " your right dear"

It takes two to argue, and your both young, and stressed, with not good coping skills. Normal for young married.

I understand how things go in the beginning, especially after the first child, but it doesn't take a expert to see that the two of you work too much.

[BMI]

Ohhhhh take the job my man. It's quite simple, if she is prepared to leave you for making a better career decision than you may well love her but I can't imagine what she is feeling. I do agree with T-man, your both probably riled up and so it is just a threat because she may be worried about the future, best not dwell on it too much.

You said yourself you love her and don't want to leave her, so you have your answer.

Finally, sorry Chuff, despite your glowing reputation I disagree with your "emotinal cheating". Talking to her ex is not as big as you or he may make it out to be, c'mon people, best not concentrate on matters like that and include such speculation in life changing decisions.

[chuff]

Fianlly, sorry Chuff, despite your glowing reputation I disagree with your "emotinal cheating". Talking to her ex is not as big as you or he may make it out to be, c'mon people, best not concentrate on matters like that and include such speculation in life changing decisions.

Then what is it? And furthermore, if it is no big deal, why not tell him?

[BMI]

It's no big deal is what it is. Also, I do believe I did tell him by including the words you or HE (reffering to him).

[Depressed in MO]

It's no big deal is what it is. Also, I do beleive I did tell him by including the words you or HE (reffering to him).

Don't mean to answer for Chuff, but I think what he meant was-Why didn't his wife tell him about what was being corresponded between her and her ex if it was "no big deal".

[chuff]

It's no big deal is what it is. Also, I do beleive I did tell him by including the words you or HE (reffering to him).

If it is no big deal, then why not say, "hey I'm going to be talking to my ex, do you have a problem with that? Then wait for him to respond, agreeing that he is okay with her to talk to an ex.

[BMI]

Ahhh, I didn't think Chuff would have overlooked me including the word he and so it seems I overlooked the question, thanks!

The answer is because it is a touchy subject for some. I understand where the OP would initially get upset over finding this out but that is insecurity, not necessarily more than that. I am great friends with one (and only one) of my ex's and I do not feel the need to let another partner know we talk so as to avoid any possible conflicts. If she asked I'd tell. They don't always work this way but they most certainly do not always involve the other either. It's a small issue based on what he knows so far.

[BMI]

Sorry Chuff you just responded and I did not see as I was writing my last response. I, or nobody for that matter, need ask permission to speak to someone good sir! If I am doing no wrong than I can be at peace with speaking to whomever I please, so too can she.

I dated my ex for 5 1/2 years. I started dating a girl for two weeks and she asked if I speak to my ex's, I told yes and she was not happy. Case in point, TOO BAD! I have established a relationship with my ex and some other girl has no right to infringe on that relationship. Am I hurting her? Am I cheating on her? What's the alternative? Telling my good friend that I'm not able to talk to her anymore cause I'm not allowed?

No,no, the failing is on person with the negative reaction to the information,notthe girl who has a friend.

[Depressed in MO]

Sorry Chuff you just responded and I did not see as i was writing my last response. I, or nobody for that matter, need ask permission to speak to someone good sir! If i am doing no wrong than i can be at peace with speaking to whomever i please, so too can she.

I dated my ex for 5 1/2 years. I started dating a girl for two weeks and she asked if i speak to my ex's, I told yes and she was not happy. Case in point, TOO BAD! I have established a relationship with my ex and some other girl has no right to infringe on that relationship. Am I hurting her? Am I cheating on her? Whats the alternative? Telling my good friend that I'm not able to talk to her anymore cause i'm not allowed?

No,no, the failing is on person with the negative reaction to the information,notthe girl who has a friend.

I agree with your statement; however, this situation is slightly different and this is a person who has been with his partner for over 4 years, they are already in a committed relationship-the girlfriend all of a sudden starts talking to her ex again?And then gets touchy when asked about it? It has not been specifically stated that the girl and the ex have been friends all this time, so judging by the post, this just recently came about. That is not a good sign.

Anyway, in the original post, it was stated that they worked out that part of the problem, so good for you OP!
As far as the job thing goes, I agree with the others. You do what is best for YOU and your family. More money, benefits-what's better than that? I cannot understand where your gf's actions are coming from. There are rarely any jobs out there anymore that are "secure" forever. Hell, the job you currently work at now and by the way, HATE, could go bankrupt tomorrow-or suddenly decide to downsize. That can happen anywhere you go, so I find her excuse "well, what if it doesn't work out", to be not good enough to consider when deciding on whether to take this job.
Good luck to you.

[chuff]

Sorry Chuff you just responded and I did not see as i was writing my last response. I, or nobody for that matter, need ask permission to speak to someone good sir! If i am doing no wrong than i can be at peace with speaking to whomever i please, so too can she.

I dated my ex for 5 1/2 years. I started dating a girl for two weeks and she asked if i speak to my ex's, I told yes and she was not happy. Case in point, TOO BAD! I have established a relationship with my ex and some other girl has no right to infringe on that relationship. Am I hurting her? Am I cheating on her? Whats the alternative? Telling my good friend that I'm not able to talk to her anymore cause i'm not allowed?

No,no, the failing is on person with the negative reaction to the information,notthe girl who has a friend.

If you dated a girl for two weeks and she got mad about anything I'd say that's a good warning sign of things to come. Furthermore, this wasn't a case where she was talking to him for the entire relationship, it started after the relationship had been going. Also, I think it speaks more the strength of the relationship that someone would hide such an activity rather then admit to it. If you have to hide something from you significant other because it will be emotionally devasting, then that is emotional cheating, because you know what you are doing is wrong and not consistent with how that persons emotions should be considered.

[BMI]

That's the disagreement. Talking with someone who you used to know/date, guy or girl, is NOT wrong by any means. I admit that the converstations starting after years of dating is not a great sign but I understand it may be no sign at all either. Only the girl will know her intentions, if she is less than honest as to why she started talking with him than I would totally agree.

Emotional cheating is based on intention, an innocent intention cannot be considered cheating nor a lack of care for a partner. If I am talking with good intention (perhaps to be polite) the lack of understanding shown by my partner would be their problem (meant in a nice way). The situation could have been addressed without a fight, if she explained herself and gave an honest account our friend(the OP) would have no reason to doubt.

[rochelle_ann]

Leave...

[Romefalls19]

Sit down and talk to your woman. Communication is a great building block, if after that doesn't work, try counseling to try and set things straight.

[suddenImpact]

Thanks for the advice guys... I'm going to call the guy either this afternoon, or tomorrow and set up an interview. I would have to come up with something other than downsizing though, I currently work for a small company (about 100 employees), and am good friends with the owner (I do all his home computer work) we're getting more busy here everyday, she knows as well as I do, that unless the owner dies or something, I have a job. I think I'm just going to come out and tell her though, that I love her and don't want her to leave, but if she can't understand how unhappy I am with this job, and wants to leave for me trying to better myself (and our family) then so be it.

[JBeaucaire]

"So be it" is an awesomely mature stance. Good for you.