[MRodriguez2392]

I am the mother of a 33-year old daughter. She had a normal childhood and up until the age of 16, she was the “almost” perfect daughter (her grades in school were not the greatest, but she managed). At 16, she got involved with a boy who lived in the neighborhood’s home for boys. He came from a broken family and was very dysfunctional. We opposed that relationship, but she claimed she was in love with him and was going to see him no matter what. She began to ditch school and sneak out at night to sneak into his room at the boys’ home. At age 17, she moved out with him to his sister’s apartment. She eventually called and asked us to pick her up and bring her home. She lived with us until she was 18 and then moved out.

By this time she had broken up with her boyfriend. She then met her husband-to-be and fell madly in love with him. She got pregnant and moved in with him to his parents’ home. After 3 years, they married, bought a home and settled down. She got pregnant again, and moved to a larger home. After the second baby was born, she came to me to tell me that she did not want to be married any more. She confessed that she had had an affair and was not in love with her husband any more. What she didn’t tell me is that the affair was with a woman – her boss. Neither she nor her husband never mentioned it to us. The way I found out is at her 30th birthday party at my house, she invited this woman to her birthday party, and one of my guests saw them kissing on the side of my house. I was completely and utterly shocked, disappointed, sad, angry, you name it. Yet, I didn’t mention it to her or her husband. She (and her husband) started counseling, but eventually he stopped going and she was going to counseling alone. He told he he wanted to stay married and work things out, but my daughter refused to give him a chance. He did have some faults – lazy, unmotivated, certainly not husband material – things I could see in him from the very start of their courtship, but she is not the type of person who would listen to her mother’s advice.

Her husband knew about the affair, but never said anything to us. Eventually they separated, sold their home and went their separate ways. My daughter started changing (and has completely changed). She used to be happy-go-lucky, always laughing, enthusiastic about life, very close to us – she and her family would visit almost every weekend. She started changing by not staying in touch, was always on the phone or texting, seemed worried, sad or angry, didn’t smile, didn’t laugh.

Today, she spends every waking moment with this woman. She has introduced the kids to her as her “best friend” and she, this woman and the kids are going everywhere together. They take the kids to Disneyland often and other amusement parks, zoo, trips, parties. For all intents and purposes, this woman replaced her husband.

Today, she knows that I know and that has created a HUGE discord among us. She knows that I don’t accept her relationship with this woman. My main reason for not accepting is that the kids are in her life, and were there before this woman. I worry that they will be stigmatized by this relationship and will suffer. The girls go to private school and most of their friends have two parents and most of their activities are centered around the church, school and sports. I fear that they will be mistreated if any of their friends know that their mother is in a relationship with another woman.

Bottom line, my daughter hates me for not accepting her relationship, and I have no relationship with her. She didn’t even call me for Mother’s Day. Whatever relationship we have is completely superficial. Whatever communication we have is usually about the kids. We have never sat down to discuss her lifestyle change. In her words, this is “none of [my] business” and this is her “life” and not “open for discussion.” I have written her countless of emails stating my position and my concern about the kids, and she basically has written me off as her mother. As long as I don’t accept her woman, she will hate me.

Since she and her husband share visitation, and she and this woman plan all these fun activities with the kids, my husband and I seldom get to see the kids. Lately, she asked me to give her some dates when we are available and she will see what she can do to allow us to see the kids.

[J_9]

I have to say that I would be upset with you too. She is 33, she is old enough to make her own decisions and live with the consequences of the decisions. She is the parent of your grandchildren and her and her ex husband are the ones to make decisions about the grandkids.

As a parent I will love my children unconditionally. And respect the decisions my adult children make.

Now, this doesn't mean that you have to agree with her decisions, in this case her lifestyle, but you should support her as she is your daughter.

While I understand your concern for your grandchildren, and it is a genuine concern, this is a choice she has made and she will have to live with the consequences and repercussions of this decision.

When, and if, she comes to you because the children are being "stigmatized" are you going to tell her "I told you so?" Or are you going to help her get through this.

Unfortunately, it seems as though it is you who is driving a wedge into this relationship. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it does appear that this is what is happening.

This is her life, she is 33.

[MRodriguez2392]

I have supported her and will always be there for her – just because I don’t agree with her lifestyle choice doesn’t mean I don’t love her. It is she who hates me – and refuses to talk to me – the SOLE reason is because I won’t accept her lifestyle choice. My position is why can’t we (my daughter and I) still have a mother-daughter relationship even though we don’t see eye-to-eye on this issue. I want to have a relationship with her – it is she who doesn’t.

My #1 concern are my grandchildren. Unfortunately my daughter and ex son-in-law are at war. Understandably so, he is very bitter towards her and does not miss an opportunity to fight with her over issues concerning the children. He is contradictory to every decision that pertains to the children, and threatens her constantly with telling the kids the real reason for their break-up. It is a very messy and angry divorce and the kids are often in the middle of it. I have been there for her countless of times – have helped her whenever she has needed help, including babysitting the kids while she went to school, helping her move, and especially helping her financially – even bought a home for her and the children to live in and subsidize her mortgage every month.

What concerns me is that she has changed tremendously since she has been in this relationship and the changes are not good.

[progunr]

It would appear to me that she has made her choice, she loves another woman.

You have made the choice to not accept this other woman.

As long as both of you stand your ground, there is no solution to your problems.

I'm not saying that either of you is wrong, you are both adults, you have the right to make whatever choices you want.

If you really want a relationship with your daughter, and your grandchildren, I do feel that it is you who will need to compromise in this situation. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't expect this situation to get any better.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well if you are like my mother ( and I can't say how you act) you harp and complain and let her know every time you talk to her about how worried you are about the grandkids, how this is against your religion.

But people do change, in this relationshiip perhaps she has found a companionship and love she did not have before. If this was a man, and she was spending all her time with him and they were going everywhere together, would you then be OK and happy.?

All you can do is basically shut up and love them, see the grandkids all you can. Not sure what school they go to, but for there not to be a child with same sex family, in a school it would actually be less normal today and while yes many people ( like myself) are very against such relationships, the simple fact is that it is everywhere and children don't have race hate, same sex hate or any ideas until they are taught it at home.

But at this point, you can do nothing but be there if and when she needs you.

[mimi03]

I agree with Fr_Chuck and think that you should probably back off a little with the "I'm just so worried!" charade.
In one sentence you list all of the things your daughter does with the children which suggest that she does care about them and takes great concern in their well being but then you constantly express how worried you are about how her lesbian relationship will effect them negatively at school etc.
Honestly lady, if the children see their mother in a happy relationship and they are being treated well by both their mother and her partner it's much healthier than a heterosexual partnership that involves fighting, arguing and a poor example of love.

[cozyk]

I am the mother of a 33-year old daughter. She had a normal childhood and up until the age of 16, she was the “almost” perfect daughter (her grades in school were not the greatest, but she managed). At 16, she got involved with a boy who lived in the neighborhood’s home for boys. He came from a broken family and was very dysfunctional. We opposed that relationship, but she claimed she was in love with him and was going to see him no matter what. She began to ditch school and sneak out at night to sneak into his room at the boys’ home. At age 17, she moved out with him to his sister’s apartment. She eventually called and asked us to pick her up and bring her home. She lived with us until she was 18 and then moved out.

By this time she had broken up with her boyfriend. She then met her husband-to-be and fell madly in love with him. She got pregnant and moved in with him to his parents’ home. After 3 years, they married, bought a home and settled down. She got pregnant again, and moved to a larger home. After the second baby was born, she came to me to tell me that she did not want to be married any more. She confessed that she had had an affair and was not in love with her husband any more. What she didn’t tell me is that the affair was with a woman – her boss. Neither she nor her husband never mentioned it to us. The way I found out is at her 30th birthday party at my house, she invited this woman to her birthday party, and one of my guests saw them kissing on the side of my house. I was completely and utterly shocked, disappointed, sad, angry, you name it. Yet, I didn’t mention it to her or her husband. She (and her husband) started counseling, but eventually he stopped going and she was going to counseling alone. He told he he wanted to stay married and work things out, but my daughter refused to give him a chance. He did have some faults – lazy, unmotivated, certainly not husband material – things I could see in him from the very start of their courtship, but she is not the type of person who would listen to her mother’s advice.

Her husband knew about the affair, but never said anything to us. Eventually they separated, sold their home and went their separate ways. My daughter started changing (and has completely changed). She used to be happy-go-lucky, always laughing, enthusiastic about life, very close to us – she and her family would visit almost every weekend. She started changing by not staying in touch, was always on the phone or texting, seemed worried, sad or angry, didn’t smile, didn’t laugh.

Today, she spends every waking moment with this woman. She has introduced the kids to her as her “best friend” and she, this woman and the kids are going everywhere together. They take the kids to Disneyland often and other amusement parks, zoo, trips, parties. For all intents and purposes, this woman replaced her husband.

Today, she knows that I know and that has created a HUGE discord among us. She knows that I don’t accept her relationship with this woman. My main reason for not accepting is that the kids are in her life, and were there before this woman. I worry that they will be stigmatized by this relationship and will suffer. The girls go to private school and most of their friends have two parents and most of their activities are centered around the church, school and sports. I fear that they will be mistreated if any of their friends know that their mother is in a relationship with another woman.

Bottom line, my daughter hates me for not accepting her relationship, and I have no relationship with her. She didn’t even call me for Mother’s Day. Whatever relationship we have is completely superficial. Whatever communication we have is usually about the kids. We have never sat down to discuss her lifestyle change. In her words, this is “none of [my] business” and this is her “life” and not “open for discussion.” I have written her countless of emails stating my position and my concern about the kids, and she basically has written me off as her mother. As long as I don’t accept her woman, she will hate me.

Since she and her husband share visitation, and she and this woman plan all these fun activities with the kids, my husband and I seldom get to see the kids. Lately, she asked me to give her some dates when we are available and she will see what she can do to allow us to see the kids.

As long as you make it known that you are against her life style, she will keep her distance from you. Just love and accept her for who she is. It's called unconditional love and acceptance. Her relationship with another woman doesn't necessarily mean the kids will suffer. If these two people demonstrate love, honor, and respect, toward each other, isn't that the best example?

[JoeCanada76]

You're her mother, but your not acting like a mother. She has every right to keep her distance. You do not have to agree with her relationship but should that mean that you do not make the effort to be part of her life? Something to think about it. Agree with J-9. You're the one causing the wedge in the relationship. Your first line of your subject on this thread speaks volumes. You do not have any problem with your daughter. It is the fact that she decided to come out as a lesbian.

Problems With Lesbian Daughter,

[ConfusedInAK]

Can you take in to consideration that perhaps she was never comfortable and was even scared to admit an attraction to women because she knew you would react like this, and MAYBE just maybe she tried to live the life she knew you expected her to live which resulted in children and a soon to be ex husband...

And now when she needs you to accept her most you are reacting EXACTLY the way she was always terrified you would?

Just a crazy thought...

[neverme]

I have supported her and will always be there for her – just because I don’t agree with her lifestyle choice doesn’t mean I don’t love her. It is she who hates me – and refuses to talk to me – the SOLE reason is because I won’t accept her lifestyle choice. My position is why can’t we (my daughter and I) still have a mother-daughter relationship even though we don’t see eye-to-eye on this issue. I want to have a relationship with her – it is she who doesn’t.

My #1 concern are my grandchildren. Unfortunately my daughter and ex son-in-law are at war. Understandably so, he is very bitter towards her and does not miss an opportunity to fight with her over issues concerning the children. He is contradictory to every decision that pertains to the children, and threatens her constantly with telling the kids the real reason for their break-up. It is a very messy and angry divorce and the kids are often in the middle of it. I have been there for her countless of times – have helped her whenever she has needed help, including babysitting the kids while she went to school, helping her move, and especially helping her financially – even bought a home for her and the children to live in and subsidize her mortgage every month.

What concerns me is that she has changed tremendously since she has been in this relationship and the changes are not good.

Do you have any idea how hard it is for a woman or man of any age to accept themselves as gay? Especially as it was later in her life and she was in a committed heterosexual relationship. Then she turns to her own mother for support on her OWN decisions and you fail to help her through this tramatic time.

Why don't you stop and ask yourself why you have such a problem with her being gay?

Maybe if you can, and you should, get over this you can re-build your relationship..

[evolym]

Well I am a lesbian I noticed since I was fourteen I'm 20 and I believe your daughter maybe just wants you to accept her much more than accepting the woman... in time you will get to ralize why your daughter is with her, what's so special about her that your daughter decided to be with her. You just need to give her a chance... my mom was the same way when I told her... now she even eats lunch with me and my girlfriend is about time you do that to as a daughter I think moms should be more uderstanding... is not like we did that on purpose love is love no matter with who... don't forget that... good luck...