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the housekeeper · Apr 21, 2008, 07:17 AM

I desperately need some tips.. I have been married for 10 yrs and has 2 very young lovely kids.my husband is a very busy man who has no time for us.. I am well qualified and is keen to work... but since my husband is dead against me going for a job I have not tried for one.I am an expatriate in my counrty of residence and so earlier on he had made that an excuse for not letting me work.then kids came ,and they were the next excuse.
All he needs is a housekeeper who can take care of all his necessities.he is very abusive if even a smallest thing is not to his convenience.he never gives a helping hand either... and then comes the physical abuses... if I don't sleep with him or submit myself to his sexual advances he would show his manly strength in dragging me and hurting me.. verbal abuses are intolerable... I am emotionally in low spirits with no outlets... in our community ,divorce is a social taboo and I can't think of it either because I know my kids need a father and I can't be a burden on my old parents... many a times I have tried to talk to him ,but he makes attack his best defence policy .since I do not want my kids be a witness to this I try to be quiet..
Do tell me a way out..

ashley0716 · Apr 21, 2008, 07:27 AM

First of all, you marrying him does not make you his slave, neither does you being a mother. Second, you are his WIFE, not his DOG and he has NO right to harm you, physically, emotionally, mentally or verbally. This was not the design for marriage. Nextly, you should NEVER stay in an unsafe or unhappy environment for the sake of your children, that is the WORST thing you could do for them. Pack up your children and get OUT, even if you have to go home to your parents, or to a safehouse or women's shelter. It would be stupid of you to continue tolerating this behavior. IF you do stay, and he physically harms you again, CALL THE POLICE. If you can't get to a phone immediately, take a picture of the injury he inflicted, then next time he goes to work, go to the police department and get a restraining order, using the photographs as evidence. This is not a good place for you and most of all your children. This man is all about CONTROL, and men like that are DANGEROUS. Think about your safety and the safety of your children, for should be your PRIMARY concern.

KalFour · Apr 21, 2008, 07:33 AM

What country do you live in? Even if divorce is a taboo, you can probably get legal aid to protect you from him.
Nobody should have to submit to physical and sexual abuse. And if you want to work, you ought to have the right to. Seek out legal aid, or go to the police. If things get worse, there are also women's shelters that can protect you and your children.
If you don't want this to become a legal issue. You could try confronting him. But don't do this if you feel that you would be endangered further in the process. If your situation is constantly as you say it is, I recommend leaving him. Even if divorce is a taboo, separation for your own protection is not. You can choose to remain married to him, even WITH a restraining order.
I strongly urge you NOT to be quiet about this. Be loud for the sake of yourself and your children.
You don't deserve to be treated like this.

Kal

crjslick50 · Apr 21, 2008, 07:38 AM

ashley0716 is right. I am a guy and I assure you the next time he abuses you and leaves any kind of mark pretend everything is cool and dial 911 get police involved. He will go to jail you will get a restraing order automatic next day and he will have to deal with you on your terms. Good luck.

ScottGem · Apr 21, 2008, 07:39 AM

Dear Abby (the advice columnist) used to have a litmus test for such a situation. You need to determine whether you are better off with him or without him. If you believe you are better off staying, then see if he will go for some marriage counseling. If he won't, go on your own. If you think you are better off without him, then see a divorce attorney.