[medievalqueen]

[F]:(

Hi everyone, I am new to this web site. I am a 40 old woman, married for 12 years, raised two step-sons (21&24) and have a 9 year old son. I am a housewife/mother and student in the medical field. I have breast cancer and am presently undergoing chemotherapy. That about covers the it.

I joined this site primarily to get some answers and support from others concerning my marital issues. I will spare the long, drawn out situation and get to the point. My husband and I have had a really bad marriage since the beginning. We have separated several times, once to the point of almost signing divorce papers.

I know there are two sides to every story so this is just my side. I believe that most of our unhappiness has come from his lack of affection, angry (not violent) moods, control, lack of sympathy or empathy, jealousy (of friends and family) and blaming everything that goes wrong on everyone but himself. We could not be more different. Believe me I have not been an angel myself but my character is nothing like his.

We almost got divorced a year or so ago but decided to stay together. We have a connection, a bond that always keeps us together. He does have his good side and we have a lot in common. We have fun together despite his mean spirit.

This past year our marriage has been great. He has been loving, attentive, soft spoken, generous, kind... I could go on forever with his good qualities. The problem is that I was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer in June and our marriage literally fell apart over night. He went straight back to his old behavior immediately. I have asked him why he has changed and he said that he hasn't. He has said, "I don't want our lives to be all about your cancer."

I have been in the hospital four times in two months, three of which were surgeries. He has been there physically for my doctors appointments and for the surgeries but not in spirit. He just seems agitated and bored while he is there. I have seen no grief or sadness come from him. He has since told me that he is angry that he has had to pick up the slack at home because I am tired, or recovering from a surgery despite the fact that my mother has been coming in town from time to time to care for me. He says he is tired of my complaining about my pain and fear of death. If I cry he ignores me. If I talk about my illness he tells me that he doesn't want to hear it. If I bring up how I feel about his treatment twords me, he tells me that he hasn't changed at all and that it is me that has changed. This confuses me so much.

I can't tell you how much all of this hurts me. My self-esteem is in the toilet. I base how I feel about myself on how he treats me and that is sick. I feel like the only way to get him to change his behavior and love me again is to pretend like I am not sick and go about my day neglecting myself and my needs. Divorce is not an option for me no matter how much it seems like the best thing to do. I just want to learn how to be happy and feel good about myself no matter how he behaves. I want to emotionally separate myself from his behavior. I love him most of the time but there are times when I just wish he would drop dead (I know that is a horrible thing to say). Sometimes I think he loves me but then I ask myself how he could love me and treat me like he does?

Does anyone have any advice for me? Has anyone been in a situation similar to this? If so please share your story and/or your victory over your misery.


Kim

[nikki_22]

Dear Kim,
I am so sorry for the difficult time you are going through! My mother is a 4 year survivor of breast cancer. When she was diagnosed, my dad withdrew from everyone emotionally. He acted a lot like you say your husband is acting right now. After a few months, he admitted he was just so afraid of losing my mom that he felt like he had to always say "It's not that big of a deal". He was afraid to face the issue. Maybe this is the case with your husband. Maybe you had some relationship troubles to begin with, and the stress of the illness has pushed him over the edge. You should talk to your doctor about counseling during this difficult time. If he is unable to help you, contact a local mental health center of counselor's office. If you are a member of a religious organization, your minister may be able to help you. You should contact a local cancer support group if you haven't already. It can really help to talk to people who are going through the same thing. My dad started going with my mom to her group and it really helped him. It took my folks a while to get their marriage back on track, but they did it and I believe you can too. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for help. My mom's cancer is in remission now. She had some real low points during her fight but she did it and so can you! I will keep you in my prayers. I understand divorce may not seem like an option right now. Your husbands behavior is unacceptable. You have enough on your plate without dealing with that. You should absolutely talk to someone about his behavior. I hope you start feeling better soon! I think a good place to start would be to talk to your doctor about counseling. Don't pretend your not sick. It is OK to be afraid. If you can't talk to your husband about it, please talk to someone. Don't go through this alone. Your body can't heal the way it needs to with this much stress. You are sick and you should have to pretend you're not just to make someone else happy. You are a wonderful, valuable, intellegent person. Don't let him bring you down. I hope this helps you. Good luck and God Bless You!:)

[s_cianci]

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like your husband may indeed be preparing for the possibility of losing you and no doubt resents the fact that you may be out of his life, though by no choice of your own. It sounds like he has a lot of narcisstic tendencies that'll make something like this even harder for him to deal with. It sounds like he has an entitlement sort of attitude so naturally it makes it difficult if not impossible to cope with the death of a spouse or other close loved one. Unfortunately I really can't give you a fast and easy answer as to how to bring your husband to his senses as this has no doubt been ingrained for many years. I could say that you probably should have dumped him years ago but that'd be overgeneralizing and really not getting to the root of the problem. It certainly sounds like he could use some professional intervention to deal with his own self-centeredness and learn to be more sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Another step could be a support group for spouses of cancer patients. I'm sure there are lots of them out there and your doctor could probably steer him towards one.

[J_9]

I am sorry for your situation, and I have been there, right where you are, 10 long years ago. But I am still here to tell my story.

I read your post and wondered if you and I were married to the same man. LOL My husband dealt with my cancer in almost EXACTLY the same way yours is.

I'll tell you the short version. After I moved out and sent divorce papers, we began to talk again. We went through some counseling when he finally admitted that what hurt and upset him with my cancer is the following...

Men are fixers, cancer is something that a husband can't fix. It made him angry to have to worry daily if he would continue to have me in his life forever.

You see, cancer affects the entire family, but in different ways. Many men fall into a depression when their wives have breast cancer. It's not uncommon. I would suggest counseling for the two of you, as well as individual counseling. Talk to your oncologist to see if there are support groups in your area for cancer patients in your area.

Another thing that helped us was visiting our local Gilda's Club. I don't know where you live, so I don't know if there is a chapter in your area. So I'll provide a link

Gilda's Club - Home

This is a WONDERFUL place for people with cancer AND their families. The one I became a member of had Men's Night. It was strictly for men who's wives or children were suffering from cancer. They played pool, darts, watched movies, etc. It was a lifesaver for our marriage. They even provided counseling at no cost.

[talaniman]

You need someone to talk to about your concerns, and hubbie needs a smack upside his head. I think your doctor can provide a counselor, or lead you in the right direction. As far as your husband is concerned, NO COMMENT FOR NOW! Get the help you need. Good luck.

[medievalqueen]

Hi everyone. Well all of my hair has fallen out, and my husband is being so sweet and loving. He even wants to go wig shopping with me. I don't know why the turn around but I am grateful. Hopefully it isn't fleeting, but even if it is I have to think that he loves me deep down. Thank you all for sharing your stories and encouragement.

[erlobenauer]

God Bless You - I wish you and your family the best of luck. :)

[donf]

MedevilQueen -

I pleased that your husband is coming back to you when you need him most.

Most of us guys Have to process stuff in slow motion. Especially thing that hurt and scare us. The thought of facing a world with out you in it might have a little to crippling for him at first but after some hard work on his part, I'll bet he saw that you were worth the hard word and showed up to help you.

Good luck

[J_9]

Hi everyone. Well all of my hair has fallen out, and my husband is being so sweet and loving. He even wants to go wig shopping with me. I don't know why the turn around but I am grateful. Hopefully it isn't fleeting, but even if it is I have to think that he loves me deep down. Thank you all for sharing your stories and encouragement.

This is really good news. I remember when I lost my hair, my husband went out and shaved his head. :eek: He said, look hun, now we are a matching pair. :p

I can't explain the turnaround either, just be grateful that he has turned around.

Remember though that cancer is a rollercoaster ride and it is much more difficult for those who love us as they feel helpless and powerless in caring for us.

There will be good days, even great days, but there will be bad days also. Just don't focus on the bad and remember that in his heart he cares for you and feels as though his life is tumbling out of control. Let him have his bad days, he needs them in his healing process too.

Again, thanks for the follow up and please keep us posted.

[medievalqueen]

Well everyone he is a jerk and a big one at that. I don't get it!! He makes me sick to my stomach.

[donf]

And you say this because?