[Marriedguy]

Please add to this.. if you want.

I agree 100%. The position most parents are taking is not good one. It’s their heavy handedness is what the problem is. Adults have to understand that these kids need guidance and not more rules. I’m sure that these teenagers know the risks involved. We are not in the 70’s anymore. They understand AIDS is not a homosexual disease they understand all of this. The school system is not failing us in this aspect.

Our society is trying to enforce rules that are impossible to enforce. You can not tell a teenager they are too young to have sex! I don’t want you do have sex! You better not have sex! And any variations of this line and think problem solved!

The majority of these children are being raised in single parent homes; over 60% according to US Census 2003. Parents work so there is no way they can shadow their children everywhere nor should they. I asked my wife today what do when plan on doing when our 15 year daughter comes home and tell us she is pregnant. My wife said “WHAT?! She is not going to get pregnant!, no, no not going to happen.” She was taking back by the question. Because we don’t have a 15 year old daughter but we eventually plan on have a couple more children and 50/50 chance one will be a girl. I currently have two boys 8 and 2. This is the attitude that is getting teenagers in trouble.

The solution is parents have to accept that their children will have sex! We as parents can’t imagine little innocent Lisa having with Millhouse but it is happening at an alarming rate. Because a little Lisa has developed a sense of self-respect she doesn’t see any harm in allow all the cute guys have intercourse with her. Sex feels good and naturally everyone likes to feel good. None of these boys had any interest in her until this point, she loves the attention.

A teenager I know, asked me why guys like to take girls from behind? I was shocked she would even asked me such a question but even more shocked when she clarified that she didn’t mean the position she mean anal. This was my wake-up call for me. She actually thought that this was normal everyone did this. I explained to her that it was not and started to educate her on the some things.

Parents have to accept this!

Sex education starts in the household the child will develop sexually habits for there parents if there mother thinks it OK to go to the clubs and bring home a different guy every weekend that creates a problem. The child may believe that sex is something you do with someone you just like and not something do with someone they love and plan on being with.

I was raised in a single parent home, and my view on relationship came from “The Wonder Years” I spent my first school years trying to court a pretty nerdy girl with glasses. I honestly thought walking her home enough times she would be my girlfriend. On the days that her mother came to pick her up, the deal was that I would just follow them a couple of yards behind and she would glance back and smile. Now, that I think about I was stalking her. Anyway…back to the topic at hand.

Children learn how to behavior from home first, then they pick up things in school and friends.

Parents must start this education early leading by example. “I love you mother this why you see me hugging and kissing her all the time.” I pretend to be jealous when my son hugs his mother…”Why are you trying to hug my girl” He replies “Well, that’s my mother and I love her too”. He knows at age 8 what type of touching is inappropriate. When I detect my children has an interest in a romantic relationship. I have to give them the talk.

The talk I already have planned out.

“Listen, I noticed that you are starting to take interest in Jack/Jill. I want you to be aware of certain things” He/she may want to cut me off and tell me that he/she knows but I have to tell them anyway.

“Listen there will be a time when you feel that you are ready to have sex. This decision is not mines only you know when it’s the time. When you feel it time I want you to tell me. I want you to be able to come to me or your mother with question regarding sex or just about anything. Here you know what this is. Here is a little keychain in there is a condom in there. I want you to put this on your key chain and carry this around at all times. There is a whole entire box of this in your socket draw. I don’t want you to give them to your friends they cost money I can’t support everyone. When you are getting low I want you to tell me and we will go to the Pharmacy to get some more. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I will not ask you questions about who you are having sex with but I would hope that you bring her around so me and your mother could meet the young lady. During sex you feel yourself about to climax I want you to pull out. After you ejaculate into this condom I want you to check it for any holes, or breaks. If you can’t tell take this condom in the bathroom and fill it will water and check. You have to go to the bathroom to clean up and so should this young woman. If the condom does have a hole or a break in it, I want you to get me on the phone with me not matter what time it is. She could get pregnant but there are spermicides, chemical that kills the sperm cells to prevent pregnancy. It’s very important that this spermicide is used shortly after this happens. I think I’m going to deep into it for right now so let me just tell you be careful and come to me or your mother if you have any questions.”

“If I’m speaking to my daughter I will remove some of the things but I have to add this. “I don’t let this young me ejaculate inside you. I want you to explain this to him. I want you to check the condom for breaks afterwards. If you decide to have sex I want to you to use additional protection this condom could break and if this young man ejaculates in you could get pregnant and don’t think you want a new born to take care of. You should be on a birth control system here is a couple of pamphlets I got from the doctors office. If you want me or your mother or both of us to go with you we will just let us know so we can take a day off. If you decide to have sex I will not be upset I rather you not start having sex but if you are going to do it you have to do it right.”

No subject should be off limits how much you share is about your sex life is up to you. But you want an open relationship. This in my opinion is the best way to prevent teenage pregnancy and increase in STD’s.

[MOWERMAN2468]

The children of today is being educated much earlier, developing much earlier, and the parents need to be honest with their children and answer any questions they feel like they can ask the parent. Some parents have a great open speaking relationship with their children, and some still have the taboo to speak about sex with their children type of relationship. Get to know what your child is doing, where they are going, and whom they will be hanging out with at all times.

[N0help4u]

I think many of the parents figure the kids are learning it in school so they don't need to teach them anything. I have been saying for a long time that kids 'think everybody does' whatever and think it is all normal. By the time the parents realize exactly what the school did teach and their 14 year old daughter is trying it out it is already too late to be telling them NO you can't cause they already have been. On one of the other posts today somebody posted a link that the rate of teenage sex is lower than ever which I find totally hard to believe because there are kids that think something is wrong with them because they haven't yet.
Also on Wall Street radio program they said that the CDC said that one in four girls has an STD. 48% teenage black females have an STD.
1 in 4 teen girls has at least one STD - Kids and parenting - MSNBC.com
The article says too much abstinence being taught in the schools. I doubt that it outweighs the actual sex education.

The U.S. still has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy among western industrialized nations, 42.9 births per 1,000 females aged 15-19. In 2002, there were 431,988 births to females under twenty (Child Trends*). Four out of ten girls become pregnant by the age of twenty. Eighty percent of these teenage pregnancies are unintended, and 79 percent of pregnant teens are unmarried. The birth rate remains high in low-income, minority neighborhoods, where the birth rate still remains at 153 and 138 births per 1,000 for black and Hispanic teenage girls respectively (Annie E. Casey Foundation [AECF]*). Sixty percent of all teenage mothers are in poverty at the time of birth (Moss*).
Teenage Pregnancy Prevention Resources

This does not even cover the teenagers that have had an abortion.

[Scleros]

Teen sex is just one symptom of a much larger adult failing. I work in a public library. We are the free community baby sitter. Parents dump their kids off here while they go elsewhere. The kids are monsters. They are loud, they make a mess, they break the computers, etc. Then, when the parents return and are confronted with their children's behavior they can't believe their little angel did that and refuse to pay for the damage. We've also actually had mothers with months old infants attempt to leave their baby at the circ desk while they run to the bank, copy center, gas station... If you're willing to leave a baby, I imagine that baby by the time it gets to be a teen has been fending for itself for several years.

One of the librarians and I (both childless) jokingly have this theory that the act of having children flips on a stupid switch in the brain that applies a bad behavior filter on the optic nerve and the parents can't actually see their little monsters as is.

I really can't fault the kids because, well, that's the nature of a kid without structure. I think any sex education program in the schools should be expanded to require that at least one parent be present too, or have a separate class just for parents about the reality of teenage life. Heck, maybe the schools should teach parenting in the evenings.

I don't think abstinence is "education" either, it's adults avoiding taking responsibility. They may as well be teaching Not-Breathing 101 or Not-Urinating 101.

[N0help4u]

Yep I agree with Scleros.
I know parents that work all day and leave their kids to bully the neighborhood and the parents insist your kid (that you watch) had to have instigated it.
I have seen parents drop their kids off in the middle of the street (a mile from their home) for their ex neighbors to watch.
I have seen kids 6 to 16 years old walk the streets all night long.
I have seen toddlers in diapers standing across the street AT MIDNIGHT nobody else around!

[jillianleab]

One of the librarians and I (both childless) jokingly have this theory that the act of having children flips on a stupid switch in the brain that applies a bad behavior filter on the optic nerve and the parents can't actually see their little monsters as is.

My hubby and I have the same theory!! :D Then sometimes, when we witness too much stupid in the world around us, we decide we're just going to have to have kids to balance out the stupid... I think we're up to to a few hundred now... (our theory also works that he and I are immune from the stupid switch, by the way!).

But on to the OP...

Teen sex sometimes is the failing of parents, but sometimes you get kids who are hell bent on doing what they want to do. They think they are more adult than they really are, that they can handle it, and they lie and sneak around to do whatever it is they want to do. I should know, I was one of those teens. My mom was around growing up, she was a teacher (home for all the holidays and school breaks) until I was 13, and at that point, she worked part-time 10 minutes from home. I was rarely alone, but I still managed to do things I shouldn't have been doing. And yes, my dad was in the picture as well - happily married to my mom.

I don't know what the answer is, honestly. I like to think that active parenting and thorough education starting at a young age about our bodies, our feelings, sex, etc would help, but it's not going to reach all the kids. There will still be the "good" kids who fall in with the "bad" kids and get pressured into doing "bad" things; that's the way kids are - very few of them have the power to stand up against the crowd.

Marriedguy, when you say parents need to accept that their kids are going to have sex, do you mean as teens, or do you mean as adults? From the sounds of your planned out talk, it seems as if your kid came to you at 14 and said, "Dad, I'm ready" you'd hand over a box of condoms. I just want to be clear...

[Marriedguy]

@ Jillianleab. The answer is “yes”

Wait, wait, wait, before you start throwing rotten fruits at me. Let me explain my gut reaction was NO way are you crazy and then I thought about it.

The legal age of consent is “17” in my state. Age of Consensual Sex in the USA Despite the law teen pregnancies and STD's in teens are increasing. There is no law enforcement when it comes to teen on teen sex. The only time these cases are brought to court is when there is an adult involved. No one wants to see little Lisa or Millhouse on the sex offenders list.

If there was strict enforcement of this law over 50% of our teens would be hauled off to the Juvenile halls and group homes.

Knowing this, my son turns 13 years old and decides that he is ready to have sex. I give in that same talk but I will stress that I feel that he is not ready and that he should wait, but it still ends with him getting condoms.

What am I going to do call the police and say my 13 year is thinking about having sex he needs to be arrested for the good of society?

The reason is for the same reason why we teach other children to look both ways when crossing the street, even when that sign says walk. Everyone knows to stop at a red light or stop sign but not everyone does.

Trying to enforce and preaching abstinence is not the answer, Hitler tried it and look where that lead to.

[N0help4u]

My problem with teenage sex is
A. They have no idea what they are getting themselves into emotionally
--or situationally or financially if they have a baby.
B. Once you have sex with someone it mixes your emotions more and
Especially teens with stay in a bad relationship because they confuse the sex with love.

[jillianleab]

@ Jillianleab. The answer is “yes”

Wait, wait, wait, before you start throwing rotten fruits at me. Let me explain my gut reaction was NO way are you crazy and then I thought about it.

The legal age of consent is “17” in my state. Age of Consensual Sex in the USA Despite the law teen pregnancies and STD’s in teens are increasing. There is no law enforcement when it comes to teen on teen sex. The only time these cases are brought to court is when there is an adult involved. No one wants to see little Lisa or Millhouse on the sex offenders list.

If there was strict enforcement of this law over 50% of our teens would be hauled off to the Juvenile halls and group homes.

Knowing this, my son turns 13 years old and decides that he is ready to have sex. I give in that same talk but I will stress that I feel that he is not ready and that he should wait, but it still ends with him getting condoms.

What am I going to do call the police and say my 13 year is thinking about having sex he needs to be arrested for the good of society?

The reason is for the same reason why we teach other children to look both ways when crossing the street, even when that sign says walk. Everyone knows to stop at a red light or stop sign but not everyone does.

Trying to enforce and preaching abstinence is not the answer, Hitler tried it and look where that lead to.

No rotten fruit throwing, I promise!

I see your point, and your approach, but I have to say I disagree with it. If you have a child who is able to come to you at 13 or 14 or even 17 and tell you he/she is ready to have sex, you have a relationship with that child in which you can influence them to make the right decision. To me, the right decision is for a 14 or 15 year old to not have sex. So, by attempting to convince them to not have sex, you're doing a good thing, but by providing them with the condoms after that talk, it sends a mixed message. It's saying, "I really don't want you to, but if you do, here you go.". To me, at 14 or 15, that's not an acceptable message. At that age the message should be "No, you aren't ready, and here's why..." with and end similar to "I don't think you need to wait until you are married, but you are too young to be putting yourself up for the risks involved in having sex at this age. You're a better person than one who needs to have sex at 14." If your child is comfortable coming to you and saying, "I want to have sex" at 14, you ought to have enough influence over that child's thinking to show them why they should wait.

Now, to me, 17 is different. Ideally, I'd like my kid to wait until 18 to have sex (out of high school, able to make the decisions they need to legally on their own, able to get a job), but I understand that's not always going to happen. But in no way would I ever give the message to my 14 or 15 year old that having sex at that age is OK.

Is there a point where you draw the line, I wonder? You say you would do this with your kid at 13, what if your kid was 11? 10?

[Marriedguy]

Let me be clear: I don't believe a person under the age of sixteen is capable of making the decision to become sexually active. This is my personal belief because in other countries age of sexual consent is as low as age 12.

First, I have to disagree with the fact that you believe that giving someone a condom is telling that person to have sex. It's like saying police officers have the right to kill people because government issues them guns.

I'm giving them access to condoms because I taking the stand, I don't want you to have sex but if in your crazy mind you decide to have sex do it with protection.

Now, yes their decision will be based on morals, ideas, on pass conversations and actions of the parents. I hope that my influence will help the child make the correct decision. But are you willing to take the 50/50 chance? I'm taking the safe rather they sorry approach.

I know parents that say listen you better not be out there having sex! Or if you get pregnant you are going to be out of my house! These are threats fall on death ears and alienate parents for their children decision to have sex.

Why would they come to you if they know you are strongly opposed to the fact that there are 16 and they want to have sex?

The situations is this your child has thoughts about sex. There has been some kissing and maybe some making out already. The child feels that he/she is ready to take it to the next level what do you do.

Child decision has been made he/she are coming for guidance.

1: Try to convince this young adult that it's not the right time. (Good luck) Jedi mind trick doesn't work.

Let's assume that one does work what is next?

If I can't talk my 10-11 year old daughter or son from even entertain the idea of having sex I failed this child long time ago.

[jillianleab]

Let me be clear: I don’t believe a person under the age of sixteen is capable of making the decision to become sexually active. This is my personal belief because in other countries age of sexual consent is as low as age 12.

I didn't think so, I just wanted to be clear. In your post you mentioned if your 13 year old came to you, you'd provide them with condoms, so it made me wonder where you draw the line.

First, I have to disagree with the fact that you believe that giving someone a condom is telling that person to have sex. It’s like saying police officers have the right to kill people because government issues them guns.

I don't think giving condoms is giving the green light to have sex - not at all. I think it's great that kids can get condoms from PP and (often) from the school nurse. What I am saying is, telling your 14 year old to not have sex because he/she isn't old enough, but then handing him/her a box of condoms is a confusing message for a child that age.

Now, yes their decision will be based on morals, ideas, on pass conversations and actions of the parents. I hope that my influence will help the child make the correct decision. But are you willing to take the 50/50 chance? I’m taking the safe rather they sorry approach.

I guess at certain ages I don't see it as a 50/50 chance; if I feel like I got through to my child after having a talk with them about why it's not the time for them to have sex at 14, I don't need to worry for the moment. It means keeping an open dialogue about sex with the child from then on, and supervising them more carefully (without being intrusive, like I don't trust them) to ensure they are continuing to make the right choice. I think that if you have a kid who comes to you at that young of an age, and you hand them a box of condoms, you are more likely to end up with a kid having sex than not. You haven't made it clear this is unaccpetable behavior for his/her age, just that you'd "rather they didn't." Kids need more defined boundaries than that.

I know parents that say listen you better not be out there having sex! Or if you get pregnant you are going to be out of my house! These are threats fall on death ears and alienate parents for their children decision to have sex.

All those threats do is make teens lie and sneak around. I don't agree with that approach either.

Why would they come to you if they know you are strongly opposed to the fact that there are 16 and they want to have sex?

Because hopefully, they will be seeking guidance and support, not approval. You can guide them away from having sex and support them for coming to you with such a life changing decision. Approving of the behavior isn't necessary.

1: Try to convince this young adult that it’s not the right time. (Good luck) Jedi mind trick doesn’t work.

I think this is the problem - you are starting with the idea that you won't be able to prevent them from doing what they want to do. If you approach the situation like that, it's more likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm thinking with the right words, the right influences, and the right amount of trust, no Jedi mind tricks are needed - and I'll get through to my kid.

If I can’t talk my 10-11 year old daughter or son from even entertain the idea of having sex I failed this child long time ago.

I agree, but I feel the same way about a child of 13, 14, 15 or 16.