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LincolnImp · Mar 25, 2008, 02:55 PM

HI

This is my first post, apart from my introduction, so here goes, ith a bit of back ground history.

My ex husband and I divorced 13 years ago and our son, aged 6 at the time decided he wanted to live with his dad, after much soul searching I let him go,(son was diagnosed being of high iq at this stage) so he understood the implications of him moving out.
He came to visit me and his sister monthly and over the next 8 years he behaved very badly, was rude to people, unable to take him anywhere as he would run off. I spent many nights crying when he went back to his fathers as he told me constantly he hated me and his sister. But I still tried on his weekends with us. (I couldn't leave the kids in a room on their own as I feared he would hurt her again)
Tried to persuade ex to get him tested as I thought, and still do think he has a strain of austisim but he refused.
So, 2 years a go son asks to come live with me,after being away 8 years, my hubby and sister stating that he wants to be part of a family again. We all spoke about it and decided that yes he could.
Well, its been the bigest mistake of out entire life!!
All he wants to do is sit in front of a computer, he never washes unless we actually tell him get in the shower, we have taken the PC away as he spent 20hours a day on it, but this has not improved him socially at all he never comes out of his room unless to eat or go to school! He is 16 and half years old and has o hobbies, no friends zilch! And he doesn't care. He will not go get a Saturday job as dosen;t think he should work and he says he doesn't need any money. We have tried so hard to get him interested in all sorts of hobbies but lasts 20 seconds and he just walks off.
So, basically I have a son who sits upstairs nearly 24 hours aday, unless he is at school, doing nothing and its been nearly 2 years and we are at the end of our tethers, to the point we want him back to his dads as soon as he has finished his exams, but daddy doesn't eant him either.
He has systamatically broken every applicance in the house in the time he has been here, cost us a small fortune, is now working on braking our neighbours property.
He thinks he is okay, and too be honest we just don't know what the heck to do as NOTHING is getting through to him what do we do??

Bricole · Mar 25, 2008, 03:18 PM

Well the first thing isn't to shout @ him then he'll just ignore you more. I don't thinkyoucan gethim tested for Autism if he doesn't want to .but if he isn't autistiuc then you and him need to have words. And if you ask me your son sounds like every other 16 year old super glued to their PC's.

The best thing you could do is to make him a couple of ultimatums remember YOU are the parent and he shouldn't dictate what he wants and when he wants it. And make him get a job , understand how hard you work. If he says he doesn't needone starttaking away his privileges and charge him for them for e.g.. 50p for 1 hour @ the PCand he willrealise thathe has to go out and earn to getthe things he enjoys...

I hope ihave been even the slightest bit of help

Bricole x

LincolnImp · Mar 27, 2008, 08:45 AM

Hi bricole,
Thanks for that.
We have tried not shouting as we quickly realised that he didin't take a bit of notice! We have sat him down many times and talked about why we both go to work and the benefits of himself getting a job but he justs states I don't want a job, don't need any money!
He does not get any calls from friends at home and he is quite content to sit in his room watching TV, as we took the computer away as he would sit at it for nearly 24 hours a day.
We are basically at a loss with him as he has no motivation he is lazy and totally unsociable but he says he is okay so we have left it at that really! Basically there is 3 in my family and we just get on with our daily lives and leave him upstairs as he doesn't want to be with us.

JBeaucaire · Mar 27, 2008, 12:05 PM

You can't he his friend and his parent. Be his parent. That means if he won't structure his life to be productive, you structure it for him like a social assistant.

You enroll him the things you want him to do, take him, wait while he does it, then bring him to his next thing.

If a computer in the house hurts the family, get rid of them, or at least disconnect all internet access completely. Period. Use an encyclopedia for research like we did as kids.

If he doesn't shape up, military school is a GREAT help (or things like this) for boys that need motivation. Will he hate you for that, of course? But that's irrelevant. Being a parent means doing what is necessary while you still have the RIGHT to do it. Two years from now you lose all say so, other than to show him the door.

I'm not talking about tough love, I'm talking about brutally invasive controlling parenting love. Way harder, way more critical in situations like this.

Call your local Army recruiter and ask for suggestions. 2-3 weeks in a boot camp might make him much more amenable to the simpler productive life you demand of him at home.

LincolnImp · Mar 30, 2008, 08:12 AM

Hi JBeaucaire

Thnaks for thaqt, a bit spooky as we have told him he is going in the uk army! He has had his medical and took the entry test, he scored the best score they have ever had in the last 4 years, so we know he is not stupid. We are just waiting to hear when he will go for his pre selection weekend, which we have told him failure is not an option, as its time to get off his fat lazy backside!

As for the computer that's long gone, we found out at school he can use theirs at breaktimes etc.
We are doing the tough love bit at the moment time will tell!"

JBeaucaire · Mar 30, 2008, 03:00 PM

Wow, awesome! I can absolutely say that 5 years now he will be VERY GLAD you do this for him (not to him.)

mike pazzzzz · Oct 29, 2008, 10:10 AM

Hey my name is mike, and I go to and all boys military school in fork union virginia. Its called FUMA, short for fork union military academy. I'm doing really well here, all As when I had Ds and Fs at my old school. Very good background, and the people here know what he's dealing with and will be able to help him tremendously. I sugest you at least look at the web site at The Leader in Military Schools - Fork Union Military Academy - All Boys Military School. It's a bit pricy but I can promise you that he'll do very well. Good luck!

mishelly3 · Nov 3, 2008, 08:06 PM

I agree disconnect the INTERNET it won't hurt to turn it off or un hook the modem if he doest notice, I really think your son is crying out in his own way. If you really think about what he is doing, and why he is doing it more then likely he is doing it for attention, You have to agree this boy has been through a lot find a good counselor that can challenge him and won't put up with his crap. Start by talking to the school counselor and they can usually lend you to some really great people for help.

Don't lose faith keep telling him you love him no matter what he needs to know that.

I wish you the best of luck..