[asdfx0rz]

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who sheds some light on my situation in advance. I suppose I should start with some background, in hopes it will help people to understand things more in depth. I have been with my wife since May of 2004, and we have been married for about a year and a half. We were serious from the get-go, and at the time when I met her she had one child from her previous marriage, who was 3 years old. I have been in this child's life since that point. When I met my wife, her ex-husband was one of those types who only had involvement when it was convenient for him, so my daughter never really had the father figure until I came into the picture. I have tried my best to instill morals, responsibility, and good judgment in her these past four years. Now, we have two other children; an 18 month old girl, and a 6 month old boy.

She is now 7 years old, and in the first grade. I have research numerous behavioral disorders, and while she is showing signs of some of them, mainly Conduct Disorder, she also strictly defies them. She is a perfect angel at school. Her teacher says she is the most well behaved student in her class, and boasts about how wonderful and helpful she is. When she is not at school, and with us, she is repeatedly defiant against both of us. We will tell her to stop doing something, and she will give us a blank stare and continue, until we scream at her to stop and finally on the fourth or fifth time of being told to stop doing something, she quits. Yesterday we were in Sam's Club shopping and our 18 month old ran loose of us and my daughter chased after her. The little one fell down, and my daughter tried picking her up in fear that someone would hit her with a cart or bump into her or something. I was maybe 2 feet from her and told her to stop, about six times, until I had to scream at her to stop trying to lift her sister from the floor by her shirt and bring attention to us by everyone around us.

Things like this happen on a dialy basis. She will be told to stop doing something, but refuses. We have threatened every kind of punishment imaginable, followed through on most of them, and still nothing works. She makes straight A's in school, is very bright, which puzzles me. She has NO problems understanding right and wrong, and for the most part she is a very good girl, except for this desire to disobey us. It used to only be with me, but now she rarely listens to my wife either. I can't understand what is happening, and it is putting a huge strain on my family. She also has a very big problem with lying, and ignoring us as well. She tunes us out when we lecture her, and so forth. She understands authority, as I work for the police department as a dispatcher and am currently in the process of joining the academy. My father is a police officer as well as other members of the family. My wife and I seem to be the only people that she disobeys to this extent. I understand that she is young and immature, but why does she do this to us? She gets attention, and plenty of it, from everyone in her life. She still gets treated like she was still the only grandchild.

Could someone please give me some suggestions on what to do? I don't like to spank my children, and have only spanked her ONCE, and she was VERY well behaved for a few days, but I don't want to have to result to violence to make my child behave.

[Fr_Chuck]

Let me see she is getting her way, and getting little punishment,? So is anyone surprised she is doing it and it is getting worst.

What is being taken away TV, Video's, games, toys, for so many days until she behaves?

And to be honest a good swat is often the best way to get a child under control, It is funny how many "new" disorders is being called after parents forgot how to be parents and stopped spanking children when they were bad.

[asdfx0rz]

Let me see she is getting her way, and getting little punishment, ?? so is anyone surprised she is doing it and it is getting worst.

What is being taken away TV, Video's, games, toys, for so many days untill she behaves ??

And to be honest a good swat is often the best way to get a child under control, It is funny how many "new" disorders is being called after parents forgot how to be parents and stoped spanking children when they were bad.

So you're saying that we should resort to spanking her on a frequent basis? It is the only punishment that has ever really worked to be honest.

[Wondergirl]

I'd be defiant too if you screamed at me. Screaming is not good. I disagree with spanking too, especially at her age. She will just become more defiant.

Thought question: Why is she so well-behaved at school?

[hollylovesbrandon]

Well, I do not agree with some people when it is said that spanking works for every child. I also do not agree with some people when it is said that not spanking works for every child. Every child is different and should have their punishment accordingly. But my guess is, she is acting out because she is jealous of the other little ones. Maybe she feels that she has to act out to get the attention she deserves. This might explain her perfect school behavior hoping that you will pay attention to her and reward her for doing great. It sounds like a cry for attention to me. I am not calling anyone a bad parent, but when you have two very tiny children at home, sometimes your time is consumed and you don't even realize it. Try just spending some undivided time with her to make her feel special.

[Fr_Chuck]

So you're saying that we should resort to spanking her on a frequent basis? It is the only punishment that has ever really worked to be honest.

Should not have to on a frequent basis, once or even just a few times, if it is done on a consistent basis and only after using other methods,

[this8384]

I feel that spanking is a necessity, but not a frequent one. If she does something that she's been told multiple times before to not do, she needs a spanking.

However, you've got a big problem in the fact that you were screaming at her for trying to help her sister up. Do you scream at her when she gets an A in school? Do you scream at her when she finishes her homework? No, you don't. She was trying to do a good thing and you yelled at her; how do you think she perceived that? She wasn't ignoring you just to misbehave, she was trying to protect her sister. Of course she's unresponsive! If she's good, she gets yelled at; if she's bad; she gets yelled at. What would you think you'd be doing?

[susangpyp]

Go to parenting classes before you saddle your child with a diagnosis.

[ldyastrid]

Perhaps getting her involved more with day to day stuff at home will help. I agree with hollylovesbrandon's post, but I'd like to add that I know how difficult it is to take care of babies while still paying attention to the needs of a "big girl" who can do for herself more. Getting her involved with things - getting a diaper or playing with the babies - making dinner, setting the table... getting her involved with helping you and/or your wife will give time and attention to her and letting her know she is a big part of the family and not pushed aside because of the babies - I know that's not what you are doing, but in her eyes, she may see it that way...

Any attention is better than no attention. When she's doing something that you'd like her to stop, go over to her, get down to her level so you can look into her face and she doesn't have to look up into yours, and talk calmly about the situation. Ask her to stop what she's doing and give her something else to do... She may tune out the screaming all together - kind of like the teachers voice on Charlie Brown (Wah wah wah wah) - kind of hard to explain what I'm talking about, but I hope you see what I'm saying there.

At school, she knows that she's getting the same amount of attention that all the other kids are getting... maybe a bit more because she is so helpful and works hard to do well. You know she's a good girl - perhaps needs a bit more to feel like she fits in more at home... there's a 5+ year difference between her and her siblings - more attention needs to be paid to the smalls, but getting her involved with that will also give her attention that she needs as well.

At Sam's, when she was trying to pick up her baby sister and it wasn't working (as pulling on clothes rarely does), instead of yelling at her to stop, taking those steps over and helping her - "Thank you for trying to help your sister! Let's do it this way" and then helping the baby up would be much better received by her and at the same time, teaching her a better way of helping her sister up.

Being a mother of 4 and a raising a grandson, I know first hand how easy it is to quickly bark at kids when you want them to stop what they are doing - rarely does that work... and the result ends up in heightened frustration and louder screaming. At 7, she is old enough to understand... taking 5 minutes to calmly explain why you want her to stop an activity and get a conversation between the two of you, instead of the lecture where she has no input will work a lot better.

Raising children is a constant learning experience for all of you - parents and children. Getting the child involved in the conversation instead of lecturing gets much better results - most of the time. All kids are different and they will react differently.

I'm still at a loss with my 23 year old step son... he is a sociopath and has been since I've known him (I met him when he was 5 years old... he was 7 when I married his father - we had him tested for everything imaginable, went to counseling for 6 years - both individual for him and family... some of it was court ordered... and nothing has changed. My 26 and 24 year olds are making a good life for themselves - still making bad decisions at times but dealing with the consequenses of those decisions. My 12 year old is going through the pre-teen OMG I'm going to kill him! Stage and we have our 19 month old grandson that does what most 19 month olds do.

I'm just pointing out that all kids are different - and it is frustrating and rewarding. Having back up / support is a wonderful thing - this is a good forum to get the help and ideas that are needed.

Ggood luck - and enjoy your kids!