[daughteronaguilttrip]

Hi,

I am a 27 year old young woman who is independent, successful, and self-sufficient. I have been never caused my parents problems, but have always charted my own course. As a teen, I moved out from my mother's house into my dad's to escape from the stress that she caused me by being controlling. I have a surface relationship with her to protect myself.

I have no doubt that she loves me, however when I make a decision (i.e. not coming to her home 4 hours from mine for Christmas), she always puts me on a guilt trip.

I am currently in a longterm relationship and I want to spend my Christmas day with my partner. My mother doesn't understand this. Because I am unmarried, she feels I should come to see her like I did in college. That is not the case and not what I want.

She sent me an email full of guilty undertones and I don't know how to respond. I have no interest in spending the holidays with her.

Thanks for any advice!

[ososad]

Just be up front and honest with her-

I have a similar situation with my parents, and... well, it isn't necessarily easy to just come right out and say what you need to say, but you'll feel better. It may result in an altercation, but you need to express what you're thinking and feeling to her. Otherwise, you will continue to be frustrated with her attempted manipulation, and she will continue to think it is acceptable to put you through that.

Personally, I would recommend doing this in writing. Whenever I have something of significance to say to my mother, I do so in writing. I can sort out my thoughts and feelings, organize my ideas, and clearly say exactly what I want to say. When dealing with someone like that, you really do have to develop a sort of 'plan-of-attack' to ensure that she doesn't turn it around on you and make you feel even worse for confronting her.

Doing it in writing is, in my opinion, better than a conversation (or at least good to do prior to a conversation) because it lets you say all you need to say without being cut off, without your words being twisted or manipulated, and gives you the chance to say all you want/need to say in the exact way you want to say it.

It may also be best to wait until after the holidays. It sounds like you don't want to argue with your mother, but you also don't want to continue dealing with her guilt trips. The holidays are often a stressful time to begin with, and if it can be glossed over for now and dealt with in a month, I would approach it that way. You want to enjoy your holiday with your partner, not be sitting at home with him/her feeling guilty about the big blow out you and your mom just had. (Not that it will go that way- but since it's a possibility, I'd recommend playing it safe).

Hope some of that helps- and good luck!

[daughteronaguilttrip]

Thanks for the advice!

I always address her in writing. She has a unique way of manipulating me. I have to address this before Christmas because this is what she is mad at me over--not coming home.

[Crista]

Hi there,
It's funny but you sound a bit like me. I'm 27 and married. My mother still uses the guilt trip method and is controlling. So much so that I've recently married now to my partner but still she thinks I should be there all the time at home visiting. She's a mom that doesn't want me to really grow up. Sounds like you have the same mom.
She becomes defensive instantly. I walk on eggshells all the time. I tried writing my feelings and actually made it worse. She demanded that I would never write to her again. I told her I want to live my life with my partner. He is my world now and we enjoy each other's company. I'm frustrated and I also live my relationship with my mother on the surface. I try to tell her my dreams and goals but she picks at them.
My advice to you. Don't do what I'm doing, is letting her treat you like that.
Thinking here, she emailed you so maybe email back with a response to the guilt trips. Say talking to you like this doesn't make you want to see her. Say your hurt by what she said. She might just feel lonely and scared you will leave her behind and so she's lashing out. Tell her you understand her feelings but you want a no travel, no stress Xmas time with your partner. Maybe, she will understand that you're a woman now with your own life.

[oneguyinohio]

Or you could send an email back to her in a very positive manner telling her you will really miss the fun of having the holiday with her, but that you have made a commitment to be with your new partner so you won't be able to make it this year. Tell her you were torn, but that you went with her teachings from your childhood about honoring her partner (if that is the case) and decided to go with that. You can talk about something pleasant that you remember such as a family tradition that you really liked, and assure her that your thoughts will be with her for the holidays...

[simoneaugie]

I'm a mom. My daughter helps me see myself. Sometimes I hate what I see. Sometimes I take it out on her. Sometimes I blame my feelings on her behavior. I just want her to worship me, be my baby again. She is all grown up though and helps me see how childish I can be at times. My feelings are mine. Her adulthood is hers.

Tell your mom the truth. But tell her in a way that respects that she is your mom, always will be. She can take it. If she is told with love and sincerity, with only your good intentions, that you are a grown-up and need to make decisions on your own, she'll get it. She doesn't have to like it!

[N0help4u]

Would it work if you invited her to have Christmas dinner with you at your boyfriends and then use that as an "attempted to find a way to spend time with her for Christmas" so you don't feel as guilty. My mom was like that too, she wanted everybody to come to her house and she will not come to my house then she tries to make me feel guilty because she wants everybody at the family home like the old days. She has gotten over it all these years later.
I think one time after I had my kids I told her that she had her memories from when we were little and now I want to have my own memories in my home as well.

[atho2180]

You have no idea how refreshing it is to see that I'm not the only 26 year-old going through this. Literally I am left constantly feeling as though I'm not a good enough daughter when in truth, I go above and beyond. Yet it appears every time I do anything that she does not like (and I do mean anything, recently not attending a family reunion that was 6 hours away and I had to work; especially not going to her side of the family for holidays (even though my father's side would love to see me), or even telling her I have to get off the phone because I'm at work and need to focus on a report)... she immediately guilt trips me with that "mom tone". I've attempted to tell her about how it makes me feel, but she either gets defensive and may stop for a week (at max), but immediately picks back up. I found out that after you've done your part of communicating... simply back up. Realistically you can't change anyone, including your mother, and she's human. Do your part but don't feel obligated to do hers as well... you will drive yourself crazy (trust me). Understand she's human, her anger is probably not even meant for you but rather for herself and she's trying to find a way to express it, and don't take it personally. She's lived her life, you must live yours.