[Bethany Barbara]

I have been dating someone 19 years younger than I am. He is 20 and I am 38, with 2 kids. We came together a year ago when he was in need of a friend and I in need of companionship. I have known him for about 2 years and we were friendly. When we started hanging out/talking, he told me he always had a thing for me and thought I was "hot" and he always wanted to hook up. I kind of blew that off as flattery and wondered mostly how I could help him.

He comes from a very scattered background and family with no real stability. His life has been a series of disappointing relationships and family trauma, lived with his girlfriend in a difficult relationship for a couple of years, out of high school working and jointly supporting the two of them.
When we met, he was depressed but charming and we struck it up over the next couple of months growing in this fun, odd and loving relationship. Since then, he has achieved his goal of getting into college (4 hours away) on a sports scholarship and is struggling to make classes and practices while defining who he is. I have been there for him as best I knew how to help him on track by visiting, going to games, bringing meals and offering friendship. Our love has grown and we feel a connection together that I have never imagined possible with another person.

He is an amazing person but has a history of being flaky in work and with responsibility; bailing out when times get tough. With me and others, he is honest and dedicated and giving his all (that he can) to this and most of his relationships.

Recently, we had the final of a series of 'fights' about his slipping into depression, pulling away and not calling/responding etc. I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago as I could not take the ups and downs anymore. I couldn't stand it and we talked and tried again. The final straw was last week when he ended up at my house in the middle of the night crying and crying and saying he nearly failed his midterms because this relationship consumes him and he wants to end it. When things are good with us, he does good work... bad.. bad work... etc. He told me he loves me and it breaks his heart but right now, if he is going to succeed he needs to walk on his own and not rely on me.

We left it open.. he said he wants me in the future, in his life, with the kids but cannot be what I need him to be at this point. He said he can see that and wants that but cannot even do it now.. Cannot lose his school/scholarship because of this relationship. He is an extremely honest person, not a player at all and I trust and love him but do not see why we cannot figure some workable thing out at this juncture.

I have to ask.. is he being honest? Is it someone else? The age gap? I just miss him. It has only been a few days but the thought of him not in my life makes me feel very sad. Why am I hurting so much if this is the truth? Will we end up together?

[ptctree]

Your story sounds genuine. This man seems like he just needs some time to live his life on his own. It does sounds like the two of you really have something. I wouldn't be surprised if the two of you ended up together. As for another woman.. Well from what you said, it sounds like his education is important and as we know school and relationships is never easy together. Maybe he just needs to ajust to the whole living on his own things for a little.
Keep your chin up, things will work out for the best

[ordinaryguy]

I think he's right: He's not yet ready or able to assume the responsibilities of adulthood. You are. You are at different (and incompatible) points in your respective lives. It doesn't mean either of you is at fault, but it may mean that a committed emotional relationship between you isn't possible for the foreseeable future. In ten years, maybe. Is that tragic? Maybe, I don't know. What seems tragic in the short run may seem providential in the long run.