[eponymouss]

I started seeing a younger woman about three months ago. I am 38, she is 22. I know, I know... I knew what I was getting into from the very beginning. The saying "Younger women don't know what they want" rings true.

But, she was beautiful and smart, and we had so much fun together. I had been single for almost four years, and it was nice to finally find someone again. Things started very fast and furious, she was very into me. Probably just into the "idea" of me. We had sex way too soon. And I kept trying to take a step back. I was reluctant, and this seemed to increase her interest. For the first time in my life I was swept off my feet. The first two months were really fun and happy and wonderful. I found myself falling for her, and she could tell.

Then the red flags started. Her ex of four years was obviously still in the picture. They were high school sweethearts, and had only been apart for about three months. She also has a slew of young guy friends, that she spends a good deal of time with. None of this really bothered me. I told her as long as she was honest with me about things we would be fine.

She started becoming more distant over the last month. Not seeking to spend as much time together. She still called every day. But, she was definitely less affectionate.
She started becoming secretive about what she was doing, and who she was doing it with. And like a puppet I responded. I started showing more affection, and became the pursuer. Like a supreme dumb-a@@ I fell right into the trap. When I brought up any mention about the possibility that someone else was in the picture, no matter how gently I put it, she would become very agitated and angry. One night at a club, a friend of hers, who obviously thought I was only a "friend", made a comment about her and her ex still being together. I brought this up to my girlfriend and it all culminated in a huge blow up, where she called me crazy for believing she was seeing someone else without proof.

We made up after that fight. But, I knew it was already over. She was only coming back because she felt guilty. And she made little effort to try and see me for two weeks. Although she still called and sent texts daily.

Then, more drama. About a week later I got an anonymous email from someone telling me that she was cheating on me with her ex, AND another guy. The person sending it obviously had a grudge against her (my first impression was that it was her ex trying to stir things up) but when I replied to the email, it bounced back to me.
When I told her of this, she told me she had also received a message telling her that I was cheating on her... and things sort of slipped away from there.

Last week we had "the phone call" where she said she was feeling differently, and wasn't sure if we should be together. The conversation actually went a long way toward clearing my head up about things. We actually communicated. She was very open for the first time, and explained a lot of her issues with the ex that she had rarely spoken of before. I told her that we were having a conversation that we should have had a month ago, and that it actually had me feeling like things could work out. She didn't seem to feel the same way. She said I would never trust her. She just wants to be my friend. Something I am not comfortable with right now. But she told me when she returned from a trip home (she would be gone a week) she would call and we would talk about it.

We have had no contact since she left. She returned two days ago.

Everything tells me that it's over, and I can accept that. She's very young and has many other things in life to experience. But still, a part of me still wants her back. Or wants that possibility someday when the drama dies down. But, I won't allow myself to be the "back burner" guy.

I guess my question is how do I proceed?
Should I write her telling her I understand it's over, thank her for the good times etc, and start no contact from there?
Or should I just leave it be until she wants to contact me?
If I want to be "with her", should I even consider the idea of being friends?
And if I did want to have a possible future with her somewhere down the road, what can I do now to make that a possibility?

[shygrneyzs]

Why do you want her back in your life? From everything you said, you would be better off without her. She cheats, she lies, she cheats some more. Yes, that is a great basis for a relationship.

You know deep in your heart that to end this for once and for all is the right thing to do, or else you would not be posting as such.

Make no contact, do not answer her calls, do not call her, stay away! I agree she is a bit immature but hey, you are not acting that much better here.

Good luck.

[eponymouss]

Why do you want her back in your life? From everything you said, you would be better off without her. She cheats, she lies, she cheats some more. Yes, that is a great basis for a relationship

I know what you are saying. But I can also remember what it was like being that age. The games are a part of it. I honestly don't have any PROOF that she was cheating. Just the games. I fell in love with her (although I never said it). And I feel like that may be one of the reasons she pulled away.

I would still like to find a way to have her in my life.

[Skell]

I think from your post you have reached some pretty logical conclusions. You have recognised most of the things you did wrong and why this didn't and probably was never going to work.

Im sorry to say but I think you just have to strike this one up to experience and make sure you learn from the mistakes you have pointed out to us that you made.

She pulled away because you were nothing more than a little bit of intrigue to her. A mystery and a challenge. I think once that wore off she lost interest and has moved on to the next challenge. Probably what the life of most 22 year olds consists of I dare say.

As I said I think you just have to accept that it is over, move forward in a positive direction and don't make the same mistakes again. I don't see any point in dwelling over this too much!

You're a 38 year old man, she is a 22 year old GIRL. Be thankful that you only spent 3 months in this little fling and not a few wasted years.

She can't be in your life and really you don't need or want her. Your different people at different points in your life. What you actually want in your life is how she made you feel. Not the person she actually was. Move on and work on yourself and you'll find it again!

[eponymouss]

Your a 38 year old man, she is a 22 year old GIRL. Be thankful that you only spent 3 months in this little fling and not a few wasted years.

Despite the age difference we really are much more compatible than you might think. I guess maybe we meet somewhere in the middle?

What if I don't want to give up? Any suggestions?

[shygrneyzs]

If you do not give up, no I do not have any suggestions. Except maybe to buy a crash helmut and a life jacket - because you are going to crash someday.

[Skell]

You don't have a say in it. A relationship is a two way street. Meaning both people want to have it and be in it. The simple fact of the matter is that no matter how much you don't want to give upi, she already has. That means its over.

There is nothing you can do ro say to change her mind I'm sorry.

Trust me I have been there. We all have. It isn't nice but please do yourself a favour and accept it like a man and move on.

Don't make the same mistskes I did and cry, beg and plead. That doesn't bring them back. In fact it drives them even further away.

Go and read the lots of other posts here about break ups and people who have pushed the other person to be with them. It never works. The sooner you can accept that it is over and begin the healing process the better.

[eponymouss]

She called and left a message this evening. Along the lines of "Hey it's me. Just wanted to know what's up with you. What's new. And wanted to see if you wanted to hang out sometime in the future. So call me back."

As though our last conversation had never happened.

I probably know the answer to these questions. But, I'm going to ask anyway. I like the various points of view. Plus, to be honest, I never played any of these games when I was in my 20's. It was two very long relatively happy relationships.

Is this just the hook she's trying to keep me on? Am I a fool to call back? What are the possible outcomes of this?

[shygrneyzs]

The possible outcomes? Remember the movie, "All About Eve" with Bette Davis? Her famous line reminds me of you and this woman - "fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride."

But if you like games, drama, being the fly caught in the spider's web, go for it. Maybe she makes you feel so alive it does not matter. Maybe you can fly when you are with her. There are people who have that apparent magic.

You are going to see her and find out. Just protect yourself.

[eponymouss]

A text message tonight. "Did you Get my phone message last night?"

Am I a complete a@@ for not responding?

I miss her. And it's messing with me.

As sick as it sounds, part of me is happy that she is pursuing again. At the same time I can't be what she wants me to be.

Is it time to just "man-up" and respond letting her know these things? Or would I be better off just walking away completely?

A friend told me today I should just play along. Like I was stupid not to. Play the game, detach myself from the possible hurt of the outcome, and have fun.

I'm not sure I can do that.

[Fr_Chuck]

It is not younger women, it is the exact women or person. A younger women can be a wonderful partner if you love each other.

[shygrneyzs]

The problem is you will not be able to detach yourself. You will not be able to "play the game". She is the far better game player here than you will ever be. She is the cat, you are the mouse. Or she is the spider and you are the fly. Whichever analogy you want to draw - you are her willing victim here.

There is nothing I can say that will stop you. I would say go and have fun, but you are going to really get hurt in the end.

[talaniman]

Like any rollercoaster ride its ove rso get some popcorn and move on to the next attraction. You seem to have the answers, but now you are stuck on this female. Not healthy dude, at all. The problem is your denial of the facts leaves ou unable to make a decision on what you want and realistically, need. You don't need the games so getting her out of your life is a first step. Getting a life you enjoy without her, is my suggestion and maybe hanging out with people your own age, and place in life.