[talaniman]

Sounds as if she is starting that whacky stuff again. Keep your cool but be proactive for your son.

You've carried yourself through this like a real man, so don't let her change that about you.

[ordinaryguy]

About that paternity test...

[Romefalls19]

Sorry to hear about the problems, hope everything gets worked out without going to court

[snuffy]

About that paternity test....

I am already registered as the baby's father. So regardless of whether I am the true father or not I am classed as the legal father. Don't get me wrong though, I don't simply want to be a father for the sake of it, it would be far easier for me if I were not right now. However I truly believe he is mine. What's more, she set the date to register his birth knowing the consequence of having me as the father on the certificate (that I automatically acquire parental responsibility.)

This would be an odd move from her if she believed someone else may be the father. For what it's worth, looking at the child, and going on the date of conception it all leads to the suggestion that I am indeed the naural biological father anyway.


She knows that I have these strict legals rights (and duties) in relation to our baby, so witholding access (as she is now doing) cannot be justified by a belief that he may not be mine. Why not just tell me he may not be mine? She knows that she can't have my name down and expect maintenance payments without also having the corollary rights to see him.


I'm at a loss as to what her 'game' is but it is certainly confused, ill-thought out and chldish and could simply be down to her immaturity or even some impaired 'state of mind' like a lot of her other stuff seems to have been.


Strictly, in relation to the paternity; there is a good reason I did not bring it up (as a threat) before birth or straight after, and why I decided to register him as me being the father (apart from the fact I truly think he is mine.)


The issue for me was simple: It would be far easier for me to register him as the father and immediately acquire legal rights as a foundation to fight for any right to see him and be involved in his life; then to question the dna parentage later while I have already have the rights to see him (as I am the legal father) while any dna test is pending.


Conversely if I had said 'whoah wait a minute, I want a dna test before I put my name on the certificate' then I would have been faced with a far more desperate situation. Namely that I would be refused any access to the child, because I have no legal right to see him, all while this dna test is pending. And I know that a dna test can take up to 4 months to get if the mother delays proceedings. I would have run the risk of not seeing what could well be my son until he was 4 months old, which I would find far more devastating if that test comes back as positive and I am in fact the biological father.

I hope that makes sense. It does have its own logic. Whatever wa I chose to do it, it's not an easy situation. I happen to think that for me, this is the best way of doing things.

(Lastly apart from baby looking like me, and hardly at all like her, I remember two dates I slept with her. Fri 21st and Sat 22nd of September 2007, which were the only times that month. Exactly 38 weeks to the day, 13th June 2008 baby was born. And I do know that 38 weeks is the time it takes (from conception) for a baby to br born. Too much of a coincidence, as we went away for that weekend and were on our own, even if it is at least possible that she may have slept around in the fortnight before, or after that - which I cannot say for sure because that would be guessing.)

[talaniman]

That is one lucky kid she brought into the world. She may be an absolute nut, but choosing you was a great choice to be a father of a child. My hats off to you, as your logic reveals your true heart.

The best interest of the child comes first, and that's exactly the way you have played it. Continued fortune.

[Alty]

What your ex has to realize (and I hope she does) is that she's so lucky that you are the father of her child. There are so many guys out there that father one child after another and could care less about that child. You deserve to be part of this child's life, the child will be better off because of it, she has to realize this. What she's doing now is only going to harm the child, and cost her money, and put a wall up between the two of you.

I hope that everything works out, fight the good fight. :)

[HistorianChick]

OH! Congrats!! Cherish these moments... they're precious. :)

[plonak]

Thanks for the update! I really hope everything works out OK.. like Alty said.. she needs to realize that you are one in a million... hopefully she will realize this soon

[Chery]

From what I gathered, you mentioned 'baby blues' - does that mean post-partum depresssion?
You get along respectfully with her mom... how about her sister and is she around her to influence her? As the lawyer said, she did not get the 'dumb suggestions' from anyone with legal experience..

Another thought.. here in Germany when my daughter got divorced (her husband was german) and even though her son was not his, the court insisted that my grandson had his own legal representative - and they eventually did have to do a paternity test - but that was to prove that her husband was NOT the father. Is there a chance that this law applies in England? If so, then your son would be properly represented, no matter what mother's whims are at the time. Even though my grandson's mother had her own lawyer, the court insisted that the child had to have unbiased representation to ensure his future - all that was required from the father then was written acceptance of fatherhood of the child and promise of responsibilities. Maybe that law or something similar applies in England too - so I would check in on it.

At any rate, I hope that all works out and that you and your son have a chance to bond without interruption - which is very important in the early impressionable years.

Good luck dear

[snuffy]

From what I gathered, you mentioned 'baby blues' - does that mean post-partum depresssion?
You get along respectfully with her mom... how about her sister and is she around her to influence her? As the lawyer said, she did not get the 'dumb suggestions' from anyone with legal experience..

Another thought.. here in Germany when my daughter got divorced (her husband was german) and even though her son was not his, the court insisted that my grandson had his own legal representative - and they eventually did have to do a paternity test - but that was to prove that her husband was NOT the father. Is there a chance that this law applies in England? If so, then your son would be properly represented, no matter what mother's whims are at the time. Even though my grandson's mother had her own lawyer, the court insisted that the child had to have unbiased representation to ensure his future - all that was required from the father then was written acceptance of fatherhood of the child and promise of responsibilities. Maybe that law or something similar applies in England too - so I would check in on it.
At any rate, I hope that all works out and that you and your son have a chance to bond without interruption - which is very important in the early impressionable years.

Good luck dear

Hi Chery, thanks for writing again..

In England, once a person put shis name on a child's birth certificate, he automatically legally assumes 'parental responsibility.' No such declaration is necessary, it is statutory and compulsory. You cannot even abdicate those responsibilities unless you and mother both agree to put the child up for adoption, which is obviously not in the equation.


The simple fact is I am the father; I have duties but rights too, by law.

She is denying those rights without any legal reason.

So hopefully as soon as possible this will be resolved by the family mediation service, and/or the courts.

The whole thing is strictly unnecessary though, as I actually agreed to the hours she offered, and have kept the messages and calls that said I could have those hours.

All in all, it is clear that I am being denied the legal right to see my son, unlawfully, and it is designed to hurt me.

[talaniman]

I'm sure her behavior is no surprise to you at all. Look forward to a life time of it. She will never change.

But do consider there are possible future medical considerations to take into account. An accurate biological record has to be kept. You don't want any surprises when he needs you the most.

[snuffy]

[QUOTE=talaniman]I'm sure her behavior is no surprise to you at all. Look forward to a life time of it. She will never change.

But do consider there are possible future medical considerations to take into account. An accurate biological record has to be kept. You don't want any surprises when he needs you the most.[/QUOTE]


What do you mean, exactly?

[talaniman]

God forbid an accident, and blood is needed, and you find out you can't be a donor, or a family medical history which is only accurate if you are the real father. Most people forget the importance of passing traits on to their children. A doctors decision on diagnosis, or treatment, will need facts such as family history to make an accurate call.

Not trying to diminish your role, or rain on your parade, as I believe what ever the outcome you will be there, but the best interest of the child can only be served by the truth and not blind faith.

[snuffy]

You sound like a great guy and I applaud the fact that you want to be a good daddy to your baby...I'm sure you would be. And guess what? I'm thinking that her HORMONES are playing a part in her reactions to you...keep that in mind. You'll be just fine- I would be shocked if she didn't come back to you. let me know. Take care.

Looking back at my state of mind in the archives of my old posts from last year just after I discovered she was pregnant.

A lot of sheer hope and desperation that things would improve.

Sadly the case is that things are almost certainly irreparable. I'm unfortunately no wiser as to her motives, thoughts or reasons. It is as confused as ever.

A look at my most recent topic will show that I'm on the verge of possibly a legal battle just to see our son - again no apparent reason for this.

Please people. I know it may seem like it can't happen to you. Be ever so careful about having unprotected sex. TTry to ensure your relationships are in marriage or at least extremely secure.

Mine is an example of truly how bad things can get. What makes it even more tragic is that there isn't a history of violence, disagreement, or ANYTHING TO SUGGEST that things would be this abject.

A look at all my posts since then to the present day and even I am shocked, as there has been far more wicked and awful behaviour displayed towards me than I even remembered the last 9 months.

Anyhow just thought I would give 'linds03' the update she asked for back then.

Here is hoping that the situation with the son (not her) will improve for the better.

Love snuffy.

[snuffy]

God forbid an accident, and blood is needed, and you find out you can't be a donor, or a family medical history which is only accurate if you are the real father. Most people forget the importance of passing traits on to their children. A doctors decision on diagnosis, or treatment, will need facts such as family history to make an accurate call.

Not trying to diminish your role, or rain on your parade, as I believe what ever the outcome you will be there, but the best interest of the child can only be served by the truth and not blind faith.

That's not a can of worms I will open immediately Talaniman, as it's not the most pressing issue. It's irrelevant for the moment, and a slighlty arguably spurious reason to request the DNA. Whatever way I put it it suggests a belief that she is lying and that I seriously doubt the paternity which I don't.

Bringing this up now will only put a spanner in the works of actually getting to see him. Let's solve this one first and have it in place. THEN, I can talk about DNA.

I was planning on doing this the sly way anyway to begin with. I know it is possible to get two blind samples and send them off and ask if they match. There is no need to state to the tester who the samples belong to. All it will reveal is a match or not. If the test comes back positive, I will know myself the truth and no need to openly question it and give her any reason to give me crap.

If such a test came back negativ ethen I could then 'suddenly' bring up the paternity with her. I would not have to explain that I had an unofficial test done to arose my suspicions; I could state her behaviour is giving me doubt.

But in the face of her hostility, if that were to happen, I could at least be quite safe in the knowledge that I will officially find out the kid isn't mine and her vitriol will then be wasted on me as I will no longer have to be around to take it.


I hope this makes so sort of sense.

Again, it is partly strategic, just like my decision to put my name on the certificate before doing anything else. It has the bigger picture in mind, and most definitely the child's best interests.


(Just to clarify - I have checked: There is nothing illegal about getting a hair sample to use and sending it as a blind test, since the test result is not legally binding and cannot be used for anything as no consent will have been granted, and of course the test is blind. Perhaps it may be an idea to send samples to two wholly separate companies. If I get two positive results, then this, along with the fact he looks like me, and the dates matching, will be enough to prove he is mine, and nobody needs to know that I questioned it.)

[mimi03]

Wow, that's terrible that she isn't willing to be civil with you so that the both of you can have an amiable relationship with your son.

I didn't see this post when you first posted it but I think you were trying to do the correct thing by showing that you'd be responsible and were willing too settle down to become a family...
I really hope everything works out for the best! Hang in there you've done the right thing from the start. Im sure you've learned a valuable lesson along the way & can now share this wisdom with others.

*Best Wishes*

Just curious... has there been any type of paternity test done to determine the child is yours? Could this be a reason for her hostility?

[snuffy]

[QUOTE=mimi03]Wow, that's terrible that she isn't willing to be civil with you so that the both of you can have an amiable relationship with your son.

I didn't see this post when you first posted it but I think you were trying to do the correct thing by showing that you'd be responsible and were willing too settle down to become a family...
I really hope everything works out for the best! Hang in there you've done the right thing from the start. Im sure you've learned a valuable lesson along the way & can now share this wisdom with others.

*Best Wishes*

Just curious...has there been any type of paternity test done to determine the child is yours? Could this be a reason for her hostility?[/QUOTE]

Sure, it's a valid thought... I have on many occasions thought about the paternity issue. The possibility that he may not be, or definitely is not mine would explain PERFECTLY her behaviour. (It wouldn't explain her willingness to invite me to the child's birh registration however, and to his birth for that matter.)

However, given that it is common knowledge that if a father puts his name on a birth certificate in the UK, he acquires parental responsibility. This means that a man automatically has a legal platform to assert and fight for rights to see a child, that you can ONLY have if you jointly and voluntarily register a birth. There is the issue of me paying for the child, which is fine. But every mother knows this because it is written clearly on the forms you get with birth certificate, it is common knowledge, and in any event, I told her myself. It would be a very odd move (and IS an odd move) for a woman to put me on the certificate and then successfully disallow me from seeing my baby. Let alone try to. (As she is doing.) For her pressing this issue into the direction of lawyers means that (1) it makes it certain I get my rights and takes away her power to select when I can and cannot see the child; and (2)it raises the possibility that the court may even demand a DNA tes themselves without me having to even mention it. They may decide to raise it as a consequence of her strange behaviour - even if I didn't want it to be raised.

Secondly, I know that I slept with her 21st and 22nd September 2007, and they were the only times in September. The baby was born exactly 38 weeks to the day that I slept with her - a Friday (13th June 08). If the baby is mine then these are the only possible dates I could be the father. These are the only dates that I slept with her for that month. I was alone with her away that entire weekend, we had a weekend break. Actual technical pregnancy takes exactly 38 weeks from conception to birth if you can pinpoint the dates (something I was unaware of until I researched it properly). So by the dates alone the child must be mine.

Thirdly, the child looks like me, though I accept that it could be co-incidence or he may just look like anybody. Too much of a coincidence though.

Fourthly, I can check DNA samples. I can get it checked if one of his samples of DN Afrom his hair matches my DNA profile. A tester does not need to know because it would be a blind test and it has no legal use, done that way. The advantage of that is that a positive result is all I would need to guarantee my knwoledge the baby is mine, and this way would mean his mother would never need to know. Conversesly a negative result and I would then question her, under the guise of her recent odd behavioru raising doubts that I did not clearly have on the day I voluntarily agreed to put my name on the birth certificate.


Lastly, in the absence of the possibility the child is not mine (ie that I got it declared by DNA that he is mine) then I can only muster the alternative explanation, crude as it is that she is simple 'crazy'as has been suggested by many on here, or..


That she was sleeping around but her sleeping around did not affect the paternity because he is mine but that she does not know herself, and is why she is messing about with me psychologically.

The time, and thought I have put into this over 9 months and with seeing him post-birth has been exhaustive and meticulously covered. She may simply not be aware of the fact that I know the child is mine. She may have doubts herself. Luckily I have a photographic memory and pay close attention to detail. She may have 'forgotten' which exact dates she slept with me. The good thing for me, is that I haven't. So I know, and I am sure.

This could be the problem, and I'm not risking her further indignation by me bringing up the DNA myself without having checked it covertly first.

So yes, on a deep pyschological level she may be unsure. The thing is, I am not unsure, though rest assured I will make doubly sure that I know myself, and that before I go demanding DNA tests I will await a negative blind sample first so my bases are covered.

It may surprise and amaze you the sheer level of thought and energy I have put into this.
But, I have a new, young life to think about and the way I go about things has to enable the smoothest possible way of doing things so that I can eventually maintain a regular contact with him and be the great father I promised myself to be.


The truth will out in good time. My intention is to avoid her abuse as much a possible so that there is no lingering trouble whatever the result of any DNA test would be.

I can only control my own behaviour and actions. It's not for me to worry about hers. If she is having troubles it is not my responsibility to help her. My sole responsibility is for the child whether he is mine or not (if he is not I will leave them to it) and neutralising her negative actions is the best course of action for me and all concerned.


Snuffy.

[talaniman]

Yes, I can see that it would be a can of worms all right, but I'm glad to see you have at least thought about in in a realistic way.

Excuse me for being amused at your shrewdness to deal with this in an effort to stay in your sons life, as its not what I usually come across, quite the opposite actually, and again I commend you for actions so far.

[snuffy]

VERY LATEST UPDATE:

We went to family mediation on Friday and guess what? It went as smoothly as possible.

Curiously, there were no other issues other than defining how much and how often I can see our baby son. And the agreement that I agreed to three weeks ago was revived exactly as before!!

The mediator expressly refused to entertain any discussion about being withheld contact for the interim period up until Friday, as I think she knew there was no legal or valid reason to refuse me contact; but of course I was willing to forgive it, in the interest of resuming contact as smoothly as possible and trying to maintain a good relationship with her vis a vis the baby.

At least we have both had our view heard in front of a professional, so of course there was no opportunity for getting angry. I wouldn't have gotten angry anyway: I just wanted to resume contact and have some clarity and consistency in dealings, and I think it came across.

I listened to all her fears and worries about being a new mother and the future issue of it being difficult for her to leave the baby out of her sight for an overnight stay. I nodded and showed courtesy for her views.


I suggested that the contact times are regularly reviewed and that contact is increased incrementally so we can work up to an overnight stay as soon as poss; and we go back in the end of August to increase my contact hours.

Fantastic.

Since Friday, yet another swing in her attitude and demeanour. She has been nice to me, happy, smiling, couteous etc etc. Can't bloody understand her but oh well, I guess I should enjoy the situation as it stands.


Craaaaaaaaazy behaviour overall again, and probably totally unnecessary for us to do things this way. (Well at least unnecessary on my part) But at least we now where we stand, and this mediation process benefits ME in particular if thing take a bad turn again.


Regards,

A happy Snuffy

[talaniman]

Congrats again, your doing well, and just have to enjoy it when she has those good moods. Have you set up child support?