[tadita83]

Ok here's the deal. I asked my boyfriend to come hear me sing this Sunday. I knew he didn't really want to go, but the Saturday before he said that he would talk to me in the morning and tell me whether he was going. So Sunday morning comes and he doesn't call or text or anything. So I send him two text messages tellin' him that I am coming to his place to pick him up (I knew that it was possible that I would get there and he wouldn't want to go which was fine just thought I would give it a try). So I leave early and go to his place. His car is in the driveway so I go and knock on the door. No answer. I knock a few more times with no answer. So I get my phone and call him. No answer. At this point I'm freaking out because I know he's home, but he's not answering me. So I'm panicking thinking that something is wrong with him (side note: my best friend recently went to visit her fiancée and he didn't answer the door and she found him dead) All I can think of is what bad things could have happened to him because he's not the type to just ignore me if he doesn't want to talk to me. So I leave and go to sing, crying my eyes out because of all the horrible scenarios playing in my head. I sent him a message telling him to please call me. An hour later he finally does (as I am getting in the car to go back to check on him) oh, sorry he texted me not called me saying he's fine and that he was just sleeping. Ok. I'm cool with the fact that he didn't go with me, I even understand the being asleep part, but had he just TOLD me he wasn't going none of this would have happened. This is not the first time he's left me hangin' on plans. I know he loves me, but sometimes he's just sooooo inconsiderate. Am I overreacting or is it reasonable that I am upset with him for not giving me an anwer?

[Chery]

Hi tadita
I guess then, that I too would overreact when I cannot reach someone at the door or on the phone and his car is parked at home.

I would worry if he were hurt or unconscious due to many things. If he were a drinking man, I would worry that he was too drunk and passed out.
If he were taking drugs or pain medications, I would worry that maybe he took too many and was again passed out.
If I did not know whether he was a cheater or not, I would think that he and another woman were too busy and did not open the door.
So... yup, I would overreact.

I would also be upset with his avoidance or excuses in coming to hear me sing. What reasons do you think he has for this. Does he not like the type of music, or the type of audience? If you sing in church, he might not like the idea of coming along, but he should still be able to tell you this.
Do you think that maybe he feels inferior if he went and just sat there while other people know he's the singer's man? If the answers are that simple, why cannot he be upfront with you so that there will be no stress and you will let the issue slide, and spend quality time together doing other things.

So, we know that for a fact, he does not entirely support you in your career and/or love for music.
Does he support you in other ways in your relationship such as show affection, dish out compliments, help around the place or just enjoys sitting with you and holding you while having a nice conversation? Does he still enjoy taking you out to have some fun or has he already shifted the romance gear to idle?

Wow, I'm more full of questions than answers, aren't I. But I'm also sure that you've asked yourself similar questions... what did you come up with.

The fact is, he made you worry, made you cry, gave a lame excuse, and acted like nothing was wrong. I personally don't think this is fair or respectful - no matter how much 'love' he claims he has for you, he's not showing it.

What would you suggest to a friend if she were in your shoes. Step back and look at the whole picture from a distance and let me know what you feel.

Once you've done this, please get back with me and we will work some more with this problem so that you can regain some peace and harmony in your life.

Good luck dear, and keep me posted.

[jaime90]

UHHHH!! I know your frusteration! I overreact like you too. It sounds like something my fiancé would do too! Sometimes, I need to ask him a quick question or tell him something. I will send him text after text, I will call him, and after 2 hours he still won't reply! Sometimes I do wonder if he's dead, if he's o.k. what's going on. You're so lucky though, you can drive to his house. My fiancé is in the military and lives 100's of miles from me, sometimes he's all the way across the country so I can't check up on him. One time, he fell into a depression and kept telling me how one of his options was suicide (he's one to say something like that but I know him to NEVER do it) that night he didn't call me, like he said he might, and the next morning he didn't text me, what I did was call his roommate who lives in the barracks with him, and ask if he had seen him that morning, he said, "yes" so... relieif. What can I say? Men aren't that hard to understand, they're just stupid!=)

[tadita83]

Chery, he didn't want to go hear me sing because it was at church and he has a church-phobia, but he never said that he WOULDN'T go he just seed he was going to try to work up the courage to go. We had a talk a while back about how I have to make the plans and I felt like I had to fight for his attention. When we are together everything is fine. He likes to sit with me and put his arms around me hold my hand and be kissy lovey dovey, but when we are apart I feel like out of sight out of mind. I love him, and I don't want to lose him, but I want more than just bits and pieces and even more so I would like to have real answers when it comes to situttionslike this one.

[scottishdrunk23]

Being a guy myself I think I can give you his point of view on this. He probably found out that if he leaves everything to the last minute and then cancel because it is too late then you'll forgive him (or not get mad so much). Next time just say I need to know now and if he says I don't know assume that that is a no.as for the overreacting part yes I think you were overreacting but that's the guys' point of view.: 8P

[jaime90]

haha, I figured that one out, and it's a good plan, I'm familiar with it. My fiancé is right now visiting his family about 70 miles away from me, he's been over there for 2 days now and said he would be home today. Well, being him, today he said he wants to stay until tomorrow, but he said he'd actually call me, and he knows that I will try to convince him to come home tonight. I know he will wait until the last minute to call me, so I can convince him and he can say "it's too late for me to come!" =/ sometimes I wonder about him...

[SimpleguyJoe]

Well he should really support you. But some guys are lazy and don't really like to do this with their woman. When they tell you that they will tell you later or in the morning its almost a 100% no because guys at this point are only looking for time to make an excuse.

But to your question no not really not in my eyes at least. He at least owes you an answer afew days before an event or at least a night. Because once you give him all that leway your giving him the power to make you make plans around him even though they should have nothing to do with him.

[brkfstatiffs]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. It sounds like singing is a passsion of yours, something you really enjoy - and if he knows that he definitely should have made an attempt to be there for you. Even for a part of it if he wasn't able to stay for it all. Relationships are all about supporting the other person.

[brkfstatiffs]

Hunny, if it were true love - no man would do that. You shouldn't cry over him... you should MOVE on.

[jaime90]

I honestly think that him missing you sing in church, is not something to break up with someone over. Things come up, people forget, you have to learn to tolerate those thing if you're going to be in a relationship. No matter who you're with, there will always be times in your life when he comes late, he misses a phone call, or he doesn't show at an event- Be disappointed, I would be, but don't be mad.

[tadita83]

I'm not mad that he missed me sing. I'm mad that he didn't tell me whether he was going. He just left me hanging. And one thing led to another and so on. I wouldn't break up with him over that. He leaves me hanging a lot. When we are together I feel like he really cares about me and loves me. When we aren't together however, I don't feel very important to him because he never drops me a little line saying "i'm thinkin' about you" he rarely even starts a conversation at all. I have to start it. I confronted him about him not ever being the one to "ask" me out (I usually have to do the asking) because I was worried that he was getting bored with me, he told me that he loved me and that he loved spending time with me and that he was sorry that he made me feel that way, but even since then I see him make small efforts to initiate a date, but he still doesn't make any effort to initiate communication. I just don't feel like a priority for him, which sucks because he's top priority to me.

[jaime90]

I know what you mean when you say he doesn't drop you a line. My fiancé was 70miles away for almost 3 days, and didn't call me- he texted me everyday, but I got NO calls from him, he did however, surprise me by showing up at my door when I least expected it. He has been away more than he has been with me though. Of the year and a half we've been together, he's been gone for about 9 of those months.

[Chery]

brkfstatiffs.. what you said about partners needing to support each other is so true and you put it very well.

Simpleguy, yes, he does owe her the respect to tell her flat out that he does not want to be in a church. Talk to your partner, tell the truth, then there are no other excuses needed. It's that simple.

tadita honey.. NEVER, EVER make another person the priority and never the center of your universe! You can love him, share your time with him and once in a while put up with crap, but never let him dominate every waking moment of your life.

If he is not the type to talk - well people can change - when they want to - and in my opinion he better start. You have a right to more than just kissy, huggy, yeah I love you stuff - He needs to show how much he cares by actions and also a lot of words. Getting to know each other means communication because we cannot read minds. So do not feel afraid of confronting him and telling him you need to talk more or there will be no huggy, kissy for a while.

If that's all he wants and it's not enough for you, you need to find someone who will share and enjoy that same passions, faith and things you enjoy doing - that's what makes a partnership more fun. Right now all that is happening is the he is having it all his way.. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE!

No other person is worth giving up your joys and values for. And don't stay with him just because you don't want to be alone. With your talent and warmth, you'll have no problem finding someone a whole lot better.


jaime90... sorry dear, but I will ignore your posts on this thread, as this thread is about Tadita... NOT you! You have the option to start your own thread so that we can concentrate on you, or you can continue piggy-backing here and being ignored, and I hope you start that thread so that we can help you. It is rude to 'ride' along here, and it might give people a wrong impression about you, so please read the rules and come back on your own so that we can get a chance to know you and help you. We like to concentrate on one issue at a time, with the person who started the questions.. it makes it better for all concerned. So, I hope to see YOUR question as soon as possible - elsewhere, please. And being a family member of the military all my life, I think I can help.


Rules are rules, and we all have to follow them.

[talaniman]

Given this guys history, you are wasting your time.

Sorry, but after reading your other posts your no closer than being a loving couple, than you were before, and really need to back away from him, and stop investing so much time, and emotion, into something that is quite frankly driving you crazy.

Your doing ALL the work, have been from the start, and that's not healthy.

I get you like him, but does he feel the same? NO! His actions speak louder than his words.

Again sorry, but you deserve better, and should love yourself a whole lot more.

[kitten420]

NO you are not overreacting. When you are in a relationship number one he needs to be there to support you to show you that he cares and he will be there for you. Even if he don't want to go. Number two he has no excuse as to why he didn't call you in the first place to say he wasn't going. A relationship is all about communication. He shldnt be ditching you and not telling you what's going on that just shows that he don't even care. You need to seriously have a talk with him about this.

[jaime90]

Not trying to ride along, trying to relate.

[Chery]

Not trying to ride along, trying to relate.

I can understand a bit, but your's is mostly 'long distance' and you two have different issues. They live in the same vicinity and he determines the distance he keeps, not a commander or duty.

So, please start your own 'question' and we can help you deal with your personal emotions constructively.

Take care dear.

[Chery]

I'm not mad that he missed me sing. I'm mad that he didn't tell me whether or not he was going. He just left me hanging. and one thing led to another and so on. I wouldn't break up with him over that. He leaves me hanging a lot. When we are together I feel like he really cares about me and loves me. When we aren't together however, I don't feel very important to him because he never drops me a little line saying "i'm thinkin' about you" he rarely even starts a conversation at all. I have to start it. I confronted him about him not ever being the one to "ask" me out (i usually have to do the asking) because i was worried that he was getting bored with me, he told me that he loved me and that he loved spending time with me and that he was sorry that he made me feel that way, but even since then i see him make small efforts to initiate a date, but he still doesn't make any effort to initiate communication. i just don't feel like a priority for him, which sucks because he's top priority to me.

As Tal said, you are doing all the work here honey, and you need to stop chasing something that will not make you happy in the long-run. There are too many differences and he will not change.

I repeat... YOU DESERVE BETTER.

How have you been doing since the last time you posted?

[tadita83]

Chery,
Sorry it took me a while to respond.
We are still together, but I don't know for how long! I've just been kind of riding it out. Seein' what's going to happen. I've stopped doing all the work though which means we rarely see each other and rarely talk. I've been making my own plans with friends instead of waiting on him hoping he clears his schedule for me. I haven't completely called it quits yet, but it is definitely heading in that direction. On the bright side, I met with some of my long time friends about a week ago and they kind of gave me the confidence to do my own thing and stop worrying so much about him. I have decided that there is room for sacrifice in a relationship, but there it comes to a point when you've done all you can and either the other person has to give you a little back or hit the road. I'm not looking for a casual "when i feel like it" boyfriend. I want someone that has "future-husband" potential and I'm not settling for less than that. Thanks for you advice, it has really helped!!

[Chery]

Honey, I'm proud of you. You are heading in the right direction so don't let anything stop you. Some of us just need a little longer to open our eyes and make plans for change.

I wish you all the best and please keep us updated.