[doogie]

I need to get an objective opinion on whether I am overreacting.

I've been with my wife for 9 years, and married for 7 with 2 young children and an older stepson that was from my wife's previous marriage. From the start we have had some rocky times and she always seemed to have these walls up and get distant at times. Her life growing up was not the greatest, and I understood why she would get in these moods. She had been hurt so many times before, so it was understandable why she would get this way. I figured that this would pass as time went on and she gained trust with me.

The last year was definelty a low point. She seemed to have no interest in me whatsoever. I would be constantly coming up behind her giving her a hug and a kiss, but it seemed like she was putting on that she liked it. She never showed any emotion towards me. When we were intimate, which was once every few weeks, she would lie there with her eyes closed and it seemed like she was just going through the motions until it was over; or imagining that I was someone else. In short, I felt like she was not in love with me.

Recently things all started to unfold. She just started using Facebook last fall, and I went in a couple of weeks back to see who some of her friends were. Aside from the ones that she met while she was with me, I have never met any of the ones she went to school with. I was shocked when I saw that one of her friends was the guy she said had assulted her when she was 13. I was furious on why she had him as a friend and why she wouldn't have told me. It might not have been my business, but if he done what she said he did, why was she still in contact with him. I then questioned her about a number of things and found out that her sexual past was more than what she had told me. I'm still having difficulty getting over it, but I realize that you can't change the past. She had said that she only had him on there as she was curious, and never had any conversation with him. I figured she was lying so I done the unspeakable, I went in and looked at her messages that she had been sending. I didn't find one from him, but I found a message that she had sent to a friend talking about a night a couple of weeks back were she was supposedly out with an old friend until 3 in the morning. Without going through all the wording it basically said that she saw some guy last night and that she told me that she was just out with friends and that they went back to this guys house. I questioned her on this and she said that she did go with her friends and that she just ran into an old friend, and she didn't know why she wrote that about going to this guys house. I questioned her a number of times on this as her story didn't make sense, and eventually the story changed to she met the guy that her friend had been having an affair with and didn't want me to get involved and that no she didn't run into an old friend. Her story still didn't make sense, and I thought she was having an affair based on how she was acting the past year so yes I admit it was wrong, but I went through her messages again. Not only did I see an email to her friends stating that they were to lie about the weekend if I asked them, but I seen two other messages. One from a guy asking to see her again, and one she sent to another guy asking him to call her on the day I was flying out of the country (I did not know these guys existed). She admitted about lying and that she didn't go out with her friends and did go to see another guy who I did know about. And that the other guys were just friends. I asked if she met any of them in person, and she said that she did go to one of the guys house for coffee and she didn't see the need to tell me.

She said she doesn't know why she lied and doesn't know why she did not tell me about going to one of the guys house. She says I'm reading more into this than there is.

What has me so furious is after being together 9 years, she lied about where she went and after questioning her numerious times the story changed. Before I proved she was lying she looked me in the eyes and said that she was telling the absolute truth and that there was nothing more she could do to prove she was (even though she was lying). I'm also furious about the other two guys. She said that they were old friends, but why didn't she tell me about them. I ask her everyday how her day was and she has not once said that she stopped in to see him. Also the other guy she specifically sent him a message just before we went to bed for him to call her tomorrow (the day I was flying away). She said that it was no big deal and that she just wanted to know how his christmas went. I asked why it was so important that he needed to call the day I was going to be away, and she said that I'm reading too much into it. I don't care who she talks to or sees, but seeing guys I don't know exist or asking them to call when I'm away bothers me.

Am I right to be upset or am I just overreacting?

[donf]

Doogie,

Sound's like your wife is stuck in a serious case of the miseries or depression. Her past is giving her a rough time, do your level best to keep her in the present. Court her all over again. Do whatever you can think of to ease the burden of her past before she met you. Keep her in the present as much as you can.

It's not like you can alter her past. Obviously, from what you describe her past is causing her enough grief.

If she's just now delving into it, probably new memories are being dragged up. You might ask her if she would feel comfortable with you going to counseling to help with her depression and mood swings.

Right now, you might want to consider putting your anger and angst aside and focus on her. Her past is over and done with. It can nor be repaired, replaced or cleaned up. If you loved her before you married then you need to throw your arms around her and let her feel your love. Love is not sex, right now it sounds to me like she needs comforting and safety, not anger at who she was. Love who she is.

[doogie]

Thank you for the reply.

It's not as much her past, but how she acted in the present that is bothering me. I'm upset as after being together 9 years she felt like she had to lie to me to see someone, and then lie twice to cover it up (especially when she saw how upset it was making me as I thought she was hiding something). Also, I myself could never go to visit a woman at her house that my wife knew nothing about (even that she existed), as well as ask a woman to call me when my wife was going to be away. My problem is that she point blank told me that she was telling the truth and that there was nothing more to do to prove it and she was lying. I have lost all trust in her and have a hard time believing that nothing happened. I hold truth and trust very high on what I look for in a partner and she has shattered both of them.

We are going to go to counseling, but right now I just can't get over the fact that I feel betrayed that she would do this after being together so long. I feel like we never really had a solid marriage.

Maybe this is just something for the counselor to work out.