[Alyssa33]

Hello everyone, I am new to this site and have never talked about anything before but I am tired of living this way and need some advice. I have been married for 15 years and have 3 step children, all grown and in their 30's, and all still living at home with us. I have approached my husband about now its time for them to leave and get a life but he tells me that there's something wrong with me for saying that and is constantly making me feel bad. They all get mad at me and no one talks to me anymore. If one gets mad they all do and yet after we fight then my husband is super nice for a while as long as I don't say anything about him and his kids. The kids all have great jobs and could make it on their own but no one seems to wany that but me. I have been doing really great at my job and I have been doing things I like to do on my own yet my husband is becoming increasingly mean to me and over controlling. I don't understand why he is behaving this way. I confronted him again about how the adults living here should pull their own weight and pay some of the bills and we got into a huge fight which he gets so mad at times it scares me but this one ended in him choosing the kids over me, he said he could not ask them to help out and would not tell them they had to move but for me to do whatever I needed to do... im at a loss... I don't think I'm wrong in this but please help me, I feel like we have done our part and now its time to plan for our future and we can't if we keep paying for everything and going the way we are... and I'm tired of being told there's something wrong with me and constantly put down around here, what do you guys suggest.

[artlady]

Was he by any chance not there for them when they were little?
I don't understand why he would be coddling adult children this way if not for some misplaced sense of guilt that he wasn't a good father.

I suspect if they were pulling their own weight you would not object.Nobody wants to pay bills if they don't have to but to encourage this type of irresponsible behavior is really not doing them any favors.

Have you tried just talking to them without Dad in the mix?
Explain that everyone has to pitch in.You are a family and a family works together.

I would suggest you let Dad carry the financial burden of his children alone and you put your money away for your retirement.

If he wants to play nursemaid to grown ups let him be the one to take the brunt of whatever they do.

If they make a mess,have Dad clean it up,If they want dinner have Dad buy it and make it.

Maybe if he didn't have someone to help him with the burden of three grown kids,he might rethink this.

He also needs to know that his kids need some real world skills if they are every going to have productive lives outside the nest.He is teaching them nothing.

[Jake2008]

You are not wrong, you are absolutely justified in my opinion, to expect adults to behave like adults, with all the responsibility that comes with that.

What 30 year old do you know that still lives with mom and dad on a permanent basis, and doesn't carry their weight financially?

This is a very unhealthy situation for all concerned.

I am really annoyed that your husband is being so ridiculous about this. The whole point of raising children properly is to have them strong, self-sufficient, employed, and out of the nest to live their own lives. To enable them not to grow up and be on their own, is contributing to crippling behaviour which does nothing to teach them the value of being independent and self reliant.

That is a very unusual situation there that has you caught in the middle. I cannot imagine that they wouldn't pay something toward their free room and board without being asked. And to have an attitude about it, have their father stick up for them, and you be designated as the unreasonable one here is utterly and totally wrong.

You have every reason to expect that your husband should respect a reasonable solution or suggestion, and that being at this stage of the game, you should be enjoying each other, without 30+ year olds buzzing around. That must be totally annoying.

Is there an impartial third party that could assist you in getting your needs heard, and helping to put expectations on these wayward adults? Is it too late to insist upon family counselling?

Why you are third man out here is totally beyond me. I wish I were there to reassure you with a great big hug that you are being totally reasonable here.

Something has to give.