[annalisa4]

My husband and I have been married for 16 years. We have one son. He has always falsely accused me of cheating on him, based on unfounded and made up material. That he tries to justify but makes no sense. We had a Super Bowl party and he invited a friend of his he had not seen for years. The friend came with his girlfriend, and I guess, in the crowded house I bumped into him. My husband took me to the side and start hurling accusations. He said he saw me and it was on purpose, and maybe that's why he hadn't heard from his friend in years. For christmas I stood in line to purchase the Nintendo WII, I casually was talking to the man in front of me and my husband accused me of planning that as a secret meeting and he says he saw me talking to him through my coffee cup. I've been accused of cheating with every male family member or friend. I have never cheated, I have never given him cause to think I would. He has even gone as far as accusing me of inappropriate behavior with our son. His mother was also this way, misreading and falsely accusing everyone of things. Could this be a psychological disorder? He won't go to counseling and I am at my wits end. I need help, we need help.

[RubyPitbull]

I don't know if it is as much a hereditary thing as a social thing. He watched him mother doing this to his father. Who knows what she said to her son as he grew up, warning him of the evils of a spouse. It might have been so drummed into him that he thinks this is normal adult behavior.

Since he refuses to go to counseling, my suggestion would be for you to find a licensed family therapist and go by yourself. You need someone to help you think this through and figure out, if he is unwilling to get help for this serious problem, how to cope with him and whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life. Oh yes, and make sure the therapist is a woman, so he can't throw that in your face too.

I hope this helps.

[karasuma]

It is INDEED a psychological disorder. Loosely related to Schizophrenia, paranoid delusions could possibly be taken care of with drugs but most likely it's just something you're going to have to live with. Counselling tends to be unsuccessful because they never believe something's wrong with THEM, but rather everyone's attempting to get the better of them.

Family members? Your SON? Wow, I hope he wasn't like this when you married him. A little dose of reality wouldn't hurt. Pinning him down and demanding hard facts would be a better solution then the tag he's going to staple in your ear soon. Indulging him tends to make this worse, so don't let him quash your freedom anymore. If you want to talk to a guy in line, you DO it, and you make it obvious that you don't care what he thinks about it. The moment you care, you're trying to hide something. Tough love, and maybe he'll snap out of it or, more likely, the accusations will come less frequently. Just remind him that you love him, but he's being stupid.

[JoeCanada76]

Okay, Many times again. Does not mean that it is this time but when somebody has accused somebody so relentless like in this case, he is trying to take the blame off himself.

Maybe HE IS THE ONE THAT IS CHEATING. Why would he have it on his mind so much?

There could be a family past issue as well, but I would turn it around on him and ask him why are you bothering me so much with this, maybe you're the one that is cheating. That will humble him a bit.

Joe

[squeeka_1101]

This is a delayed post, but I can say this:

I went through the same thing but on our husbands side. I was accusative and constantly questioning her.

I have done a lot of research into social development and how jealousy and mistrust are actually rooted in the lower self esteem of the partner doing the accusing.

I'd say it comes down to your husbands innate assumption that (whether he will admit it or not... or even in touch with his thoughts/emotions enough to know that this is the case) you are too good for him, when in reality you are very happy and content.

Jealousy and mistrust occurs when the partner thinks that the other person will look for something better or different, and turns into an almost obsessive compulsive cycle that causes anxiety and unfortunately forces the sufferer to discard real evidence and assurance.

If he is unwilling to seek help, it is also tied in with his pride and his perception that seeking medical help is weak and for "crazy" people with major psychological issues, when in reality a very very large percentage of highly confident people got there by voicing problems and concerns to a trained professional who helped them align their inner feelings and self esteem.

To help him, first go through a period of extended reassurance, and go out for your way to show him for a week or 2 that you are happy. This isn't submissive, rather just to establish major emotional rapport over that period, and when he is in a happy and comfortable state, say at a dinner or even (pardon the directness) after sex, propose gently that what he is doing is causing you to be uncomfortable and you're willing to go to therapy with him and work on these things together to quell the tension between you.

If after this he doesn't agree with you, then you should tell him you need space, and he should realize that accusing you will be unacceptable and that if you weren't happy, then you would leave... not cheat on him.

Also, please don't take other people's comments on schizophrenia seriously. Although there can be precursors such as delusional thoughts to such a condition, it is a major unlikelihood and is 90% of times rooted with poor self esteem and the assumption of imminent abandonment.

Source: experience from both sides of the table and years of research and learning on human psychology.

... Good luck to you