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rol · Oct 23, 2006, 05:46 AM

Hi there,
Anyone who cares to help but I have seen a lot of posts by wildcat and skell about this...
My fiancé recently broke with me as he wanted to be alone after 3 years together, aged 32 and 33,I became his passion and he forgot about himself , so after seeing each other as friends for the last 4 months we finally broke up properly last week, he loves me but needs to be alone to find his passion for life and as I was his first girlfriend to live with he gave too much of himself. I am an independent girl and always kept my own life but I guess he was so much in love and forgot himself and his life became my life. He wants to stay friends but I told him how I told him from the beginning I cannot just be friends that I need all or nothing.. So now I'm trying to find myself again and get new interests , meet new people... Is it possible he could regret sometime, could a man really want a life alone?

Any help would be great,Thanks.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 06:23 AM

When the alternative is to lose yourself and suffer the enormous problems that result from that, indeed yes! And this is not just a phenomena for the guys. Women are candidates for this too, even more so for the older generations who came from a past where a woman's life really was her husband and kids.

I spent fourteen years between my first and second marriage mostly alone (I needed a lot of work) and had I not taken that time and made that effort, I am certain most of my success and happiness now would simply not be possible.

People who reel from relationship to relationship, searching to make themselves whole reap (and often sow) a lot of pain. In its more extreme form, its called codependency-- a sort of addiction to love or another person. I see lots of examples of this in my line of work and sometimes here on this site. If one reaches adulthood without having grown into a "whole" person capable of making a satisfying life (and sadly quite a few do) best to work on that first before getting involved with someone. Just as your story proves, a relationship will stress that and stress that until its dealt with and very often at the "expense" of the relationship. I hope that helps illuminate it a bit. Great topic, thanks for posting it.

rol · Oct 23, 2006, 06:31 AM

Thanks for the insight.. 14 years wow...
Interesting. Ive never really thought so much about losing myself..
I just found the change so shocking from someone who asked me to marry him in January to breking in May.
Guess that's why its so important in relationships to both maintain a healthly life outside each other otherwise one may lose themselves someday.

JoeCanada76 · Oct 23, 2006, 06:35 AM

You do not need this guy back and right now it is not an option. Yes, people in love tend to get lost into each other and that is the phrase of joining together to become one when you are married.

Joe

rol · Oct 23, 2006, 06:36 AM

<<If one reaches adulthood without having grown into a "whole" person capable of making a satisfying life (and sadly quite a few do) best to work on that first and then get involved with someone because just as your story proves, a relationship will stress that and stress that until its dealt with>>

Very very true, the thing was though when we met we had completely full lives and had both being single for a long long time and very independent . Guess we got overwhelmed by having found our good match that we did not keep up this.

rol · Oct 23, 2006, 06:39 AM

<<that is the phrase of joining together to become one when you are married. >>

Do 2 people really need to become one?? I kind of disagree here and think people should keep 3 lives.. both of their own lives + couple life.

Or is there a thing of becoming one? or does it depend on the couple?

Anyone care to comment on this?

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 06:46 AM

Originally Posted by rol

<<that is the phrase of joining together to become one when you are married. >>

Do 2 people really need to become one??? I kind of disagree here and think people should keep 3 lives..both of their own lives + couple life.

or is there a thing of becoming one??or does it depend on the couple?

anyone care to comment on this?

Oh! That was perfect, the three... I totally agree with you. Except it probably wouldn't sound as good in wedding vows to say "...and the two shall join together and create a third and call it.... US" LOL Sounds more like you're going into business instead!

In addition to that, there are various stages of love too that some people have trouble negotiating, like that transition from the giddy falling in-love to the deeper just plain in love or a young love to an older, different love. That factors in as well.

rol · Oct 23, 2006, 06:53 AM

Ha ha yes for wedding vows it could sound a little strange ;-)))

<<there are various stages of love too that some people have trouble negotiating, like that transition from in love to deeper love or a young love to an older, different love. That factors in as well.>>

Interesting.
Thanks of your insight, guess you have been through all this and understand it all now.
Guess a lot of people think love is just about those sparks and don't really realise that love is really what there is when those sparks are gone.

Well I am living and learning I guess...

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 06:59 AM

Originally Posted by rol

interesting. Thanks of your insight, guess you have been through all this and understand it all now. Guess alot of people think love is just about those sparks and dont really realise that love is really what there is when those sparks are gone. well i am living and learning i guess.....

:eek: I make NOOOOOO claim to understanding it all, let alone a substantial portion of it!

I am right next to you on the learning bus, girlfriend (and no, its not the short bus, you guys!) :p

Wildcat21 · Oct 23, 2006, 08:39 AM

I think you've gotten some great advice here.

Yes - just remember to work on yourself - be busy.

He may come back - but you can't convince anyone to come back. He also doesn't deserve any of your attention what so ever right now.

People want what they can't have - I am wondering if you both were just way too available to each other?

" Guess alot of people think love is just about those sparks and dont really realise that love is really what there is when those sparks are gone." - Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh - could you please go back in time and explain that to about 5 certain women?? PLEASE!! That is so true! Sparks are just the beginning.

Yes -we ALL are still learning.

rol · Oct 23, 2006, 09:03 AM

<<People want what they can't have - I am wondering if you both were just way too available to each other?>>

Yes way too available!! I won't make that mistake ever again, but as it was the first time I was ever really in love I didn't realise that and all seemed so perfect.

rol · Oct 23, 2006, 09:05 AM

Another thing I am trying to understand , why on earth are we taught from an early age that that's what love is, the princess waiting for her prince charming who live happily ever after... I think this is the whole problem , you grow up with an illusion which is not true...

Wildcat21 · Oct 23, 2006, 09:09 AM

Well, that is usually the case when 'love' dies - you take each other for granted.

"another thing i am trying to understand , why on earth are we taught from an early age that thats what love is, the princess waiting for her prince charming who live happily ever after... I think this is the whole problem , you grow up with an illusion which is not true......."

This is so true! It's what I call the "Movie Problem" - the movies ARE FAKE. Movies are not reality.

I real life does a women EVER take a guy back after he cries like a baby and begs?? Never. The ending in love stories are so FAKE - EXCEPT - Gone With The Wind!

Reality vs Moives/Fairy Tales... reality is so differnet and people get so confused.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 09:41 AM

Each relationship is unique in some regards so this may not be the case for others but two of THE most important things my mate and I do habitually, almost instictively, not always LOL, is:

Challenge each other constructively and trade the power back and forth.

Oddly enough most of the time when we encounter a wrinkle in the road, its about one of those two areas gone temporarily awry. In this area of our relationship, it's a bit like a high wire act and sometimes we slip and hit the nets.

Skell · Oct 23, 2006, 04:25 PM

Wow, this is a really great thread and you have some great answers here. Val, tremendous stuff.

I just want to add something that ties in with the theme of this thread for people to ponder.

When discussing in PM's my relationship problems some months ago with a certain member who might I add does feature prdeominately on this thread, this theory was also posed to me.

Now rol, I really don't think this applies to you. But it certainly at times can apply to other relationship. Just as there can be too much of an US, sometimes there can be not enough of an US. Please read below for a better explanation;

It fundementally comes down to this: me, you, and us-- there needs to be balance and boundaries to all 3 and that is where more and more people are screwing up. What some people call true love, I call emeshment. They lose themselves in it, too much overlap and so lose the relationship too. It sounds to me like in your relationship, it was just the opposite -- there wasn't enough overlap, the "us" part kinda sorta evaporated leaving a you and a me but no us? Does that fit at all? It may be that certain things chipped away at your intimacy, the "us" part without you both realising it?

Never a truer word spoken val...

Had to share this with others as well though!

Skell · Oct 23, 2006, 04:31 PM

I would like to add though that since coming here I have become aware of such issues in relationships. Many people never realise what the problem is because they jump from one to the next, never really taking time alone to understand what went wrong and how they can improve themselves. I really think this is an important part of any break up.

The time you take to evaluate. It is a sometimes painful period but I think at the other end of it the person you become is so much healthier than the person you were. St least that is the path I see myself taking.

Since I have gained a little understanding on these issues from both here and my own research, I have witnessed it so much in my "normal" life, as well as here online with posters.

I have friends who fall head deep in love and catn keep the balance. And after a couple of months it falls over. It happens all the time.

I then see those same people jump staright out of that relationship and into another one. Looking for happiness that they won't find. It is a vicious cycle and one that appears very hard for some to escape.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 23, 2006, 04:33 PM

LOL is always a strange experience for me to be quoted.
Thank you for the compliment Skell, but to tell you the truth, I forget half the crap I say! LOL So its like, oh? I said that? :eek:
OMG, good thing is more than half way accurate! :rolleyes:

Skell · Oct 23, 2006, 04:38 PM

When I was just reading through this thread I remembered some crap you told me that might apply here so went to see if I still had it.
LOL. ;)

talaniman · Oct 23, 2006, 04:52 PM

This is a great thread and I can't add anything but give yourself a chance by working on yourself. I've been married 32 years and sparks still fly but not as high. That's okay since we both know we are here as one. The key is to have two TV's. ( Didn't I say I didn't have anything to add!! )

s_cianci · Oct 23, 2006, 06:27 PM

It's hard to say for sure. If this had been a short-lived relationship where you hadn't known each other for very long then I would tell you that you no doubt smothered each other and didn't give each other any space. However, you've been together three years and were engaged, so any issues in this regard should have been resolved long ago. For now, I think you just need to forget about him and move on. You've suggested that you're trying to acquire new interests and meet new people and that's a step in the right direction. Get on with your life without him. Make him realize that you can enjoy life just as much without him as with him. You don't need him to make you happy.