[Issy02]

I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. Sorry if it gets long. ;( It's kind of a rant.

I'm 24, and a prude (as my friends used to call me). I never wanted to date in high school because I felt it would be a waste of time (those relationships rarely last). I focused on school mostly, and then my career. I didn't really start actually dating until I was 21. I had one relationship where I never was truly intimate with the guy for about 1.5 years. We broke up after he cheated on me.

We broke up around the time I started working for my current company. I think I changed at this point because I felt like I was repressed from my previous relationship and I wanted to get out of my comfort zone and see some men. That and I didn't have school stressing me out any longer.

Anyway, the perfect opportunity came along with K. He worked with me, so we shared a common interest. He was very friendly. Soon I came to realize this was because he was interested in me (it took a while!). We started hanging out where we could, and I totally fell for him. He was protective, charming, passionate, and would do anything for me. He was the one I slept with for the first time at age 22. We saw each other for 9 months. We said I love you to each other.

Well, I came to find out he was married, and had a daughter. That probably hurt worse than being cheated on. I was the "other" woman and I didn't even know it.

I approached him about this, and he confessed that he wasn't happy in his marriage. His wife had a child from a previous marriage, so there was a battle of the daughters raging constantly in his home.

He said he wanted out of the marriage, but I wouldn't have a relationship with him while he was married. He wanted to change everything, though. The opportunity came along when our company decided to expand to a different state. I was already going. He explained to me that he would follow me, with a divorce in hand.

He did. Follow me, that is. A year had passed with all this happening. We moved to this new city for our company, and he began to ignore me. He was partying all the time and hanging out with people he didn't use to hang out with from work. Eventually I found out he slept with my own roommate. So I decided to let him go and move on.

I started seeing a new guy after a while, S. S and I hit it off really well, and began a full relationship.

K wouldn't let me go though. He began constantly calling me, flirting, and being suggestive. I just let him say whatever, and never responded for the sake of S - Even though it was hurting me. K's wife moved out to this new place too. And then I found out he was dating someone else from work. Every time I found out something new about K, it hurt me like he was cheating on me.

I confronted K about this new girl (due to his marriage thing), and he denied it to my face. Hurt. He eventually came clean, and then tried to pass it off as nothing, a fling. Hurt. He continued with the flirting and everything with me. I continued to ignore everything because I was involved with S. Hurt.

I admit, I wanted him back. I don't know if it was because he was the first guy I was intimate with, or because I really was in love with him. I finally had a big talk with K to ask him where I stood, and why he was continuing to lead me on. K broke down and told me how messed up he was, and that he didn't deserve me. "I don't want you to wait for me," he said crying. I said okay, and told him I would still be his friend. The conversation ended with him hanging up with me and calling up a girlfriend of his whom he spent the night with (another coworker of mine).

Hurt hurt hurt. I thought maybe if I eliminated K from my life I could move on. I moved in with S, changed my phone number.

By some fickle twist of whatever controls the world, I ended up a subordinate under K himself. More hurt. I saw him start a new relationship with a team member, who chose to flaunt it in my face. It became unbearable, and I asked to be removed from it lest it become a major HR issue.

I got promoted then (thank god!) and got my own team. K (since I was his employee, he got my new digits) began calling me and talking to me like it was before I knew he was married. I became horribly depressed, and S started to notice it.

I couldn't do that to S, so I cut K off again. K didn't accept it too well.

"I thought we were going to be friends. I can't rely on anyone. I don't deserve you. I am just going to leave you alone." He said all these things to me even though he continued to approach me and contact me any way he could. He even attempted suicide (not because of me, but I was the first one he called). This has gone on and on and on.

Finally, it came to a head three days ago. He approached me and S at a restaurant and got extremely offended when I wasn't more inviting than an short introduction to S. I got the nasty text messages accusing me of giving him dirty looks and talking behind his back.

"Goodbye. I'm going to leave you alone. Go to your boyfriend. Don't talk to me, I can't take it."

And it hurt so bad. I was crying all over the place and S couldn't figure out why. I decided it was best for me to cut K off completely for good this time. He appears to have gone crazy with all the personal issues he's dealing with. So I responded to his texts (he wouldn't answer my calls), and told him he could have his way. I would not talk to him anymore.

But he's at it again. Texting me. Calling me. Messaging me at work. Asking me if I love him, asking me if I care. Wanting to know if I will leave this city and move back to my home and leave him behind.

It is completely ripping me apart. It would be so easy to leave S and run back to K and be happy for maybe a day. I've been with S for a year and a half now, and it's a good relationship. But I still have these passionate, loving emotions and feelings for K. I *know* he is bad for me. I know it would be wrong to be with him because he is still married. I know he would cheat on me. I'm a prude; my head will always outweigh what my heart wants because that's how I am.

But I want him so bad. :( What the heck is wrong with me?? And why won't K leave me alone. :(

[chuff]

What you want is to be able to change K. That would feel the fantasy... and it is a complete fantasy of becoming the one and only true woman of his life. For you it would be a concuring quest to know you got him away from his wife, and all the other girls he sleeps with and lets you know about.

You said this has already been an HR issue, and my question is why not take these texts to HR and point out that he's harassing you, and won't leave you alone?

Also, either commit to S or let him go, because he does not deserve to be the other guy, he did nothing wrong.