[LaLuz]

My Maid of Honor told me last night that she's pregnant and moving half way across the country. She said that she still wanted to be my Maid of Honor and that she's giving birth in July so there will be plenty of time for her to still plan my bachelorette party for September and get in shape for my October wedding. She also mentioned that her boyfriend suggested that she should back down from the obligation because they are also planning on moving to Fiji once the baby is born! (that is where her mother lives) But she insisted that she was still up for being my Maid of Honor and that being pregnant wasn't a problem. I was so excited to hear her news that I agreed with her. But today I've been thinking about it and I really do not think she realizes how difficult it is going to be. I am an only child and both my parents are deceased so I am going to be very dependent on my Maid of Honor for a lot of things, which I told her in the beginning. I feel like I need to ask her to step down but I do not want to hurt her feelings. She has been so excited and very helpful with planning my engagement party and I know it means a lot to her. But obviously her priorities are going to shift dramatically and I am very happy for her and still want her to be apart of my big day, I just think having less responsibilities would be best. Should I demote her and if so how?

My second question is if I do need a new Maid of Honor how to ask my best friend who lives in town? I do not want her to feel like second best because we are just as close its just that I knew my other friend longer and she was my first obvious pick. I know my best friend who lives here was hurt that I did not pick her so I'm not sure to go about asking her??

[tickle]

If you can't work around it, make some minor adjustments to the format. Why don't you rename her 'Matron of Honour" which is perfectly acceptable under the circumstances. If she thinks she can handle it, and only she would know, I am sure that everything will be okay for the Matron of Honour.
Tick

[Alty]

Tough decision. I don't envy you.

I would sit down with her, tell her how you feel, tell her how very happy you are for her and that you don't want to put extra stress on her during her pregnancy. I'd make it more about her than you.

As for the second part, a new maid of honor, tell her that she's just as special a friend, and that the decision for maid of honor was difficult, so you went with who you knew longer just to keep it fair. She's by no means second best. :)

You could always have two Maids of honor. There's nothing in the rule book stating you can only have one. That way they can share the responsibilities.

Being Maid of honor is a lot of work. I myself have only accepted the "position" once, and it was a horrible mistake. My best friend and I were getting married 4 months apart. My wedding was first, and she was my Maid of honor. Hers was second, and I was her Maid of honor. Neither one of us had the time to help each other, we were too busy with our own weddings. It ended up putting a lot of stress on our friendship.

[joypulv]

Forget the rules. You don't really need a maid of honor. Asking anyone else now would be tactless. If anything, ask everyone to be maid of honor by committee. Relief for everyone.
And do let your moving away friend go. I think she called you to let you make the decision while she did the 'right' thing of valiantly wanting to proceed. It's your job to thank her, let her go, and wish her well. Don't approach is as a demotion for pity's sake. Call it something nice like Maid Emeritus.

[Fr_Chuck]

Just what exactly she her "duties" and why can't she do them

[LaLuz]

Attend January bridal show, help plan set up February engagement party and Sept bachelorette party, shop for bridesmaids dress, help with invitations, the list goes on. I don't think she is going to have the funds to fly back and forth or the time.

[LaLuz]

I think the Matron of Honor is a good idea, and I was wondering if it was appropriate or not. Then I can ask my friend here to be my Maid of Honor and they can split the duties. I just don't want to put a lot of pressure on my pregnant friend because I know she is not going to be able to attend every event and help with everything that I am going to need her for, especially being out of town. If she still lived close I don't think it would be as hard.

[joypulv]

I still don't think you are appreciating what your friend is going through, not the least of which is MOVING out of the US with a newborn! Let her out gracefully and completely. Duties? Since when do bridesmaids have all these jobs?
Hire a wedding planner. You are being self-centered.

[tickle]

I still don't think you are appreciating what your friend is going through, not the least of which is MOVING out of the US with a newborn! Let her out gracefully and completely. Duties? Since when do bridesmaids have all these jobs?
Hire a wedding planner. You are being self-centered.

The list of duties for the Maid of Honour is right out of Google. I checked. When I got married years ago, my mom and I did everything; or my mom did most. Yes, wedding planner is great idea.

Tick

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, I do several weddings a week and to be honest no the bridesmaid never does all of that. That is what a wedding planner or other family is for.

If you are actually expecting your bridesmaid to do all of that, you are asking for too much of a unpaid position on one person.

You just ask other friends to do some of the separate duties.

[LaLuz]

Yes but my mother is dead and I did not Google anything these are the things I need help with and I do not have money for a wedding planner or I would hire one

[Fr_Chuck]

Ask each of the brides maid to do one of the duties, or separate friends.

And if you have no money why are you doing such large event that needs all of this

[LaLuz]

I think some of you are blowing this way out of proportion. I am not asking her to do everything. She offered to plan my bachelorette party and I accepted and its not like I'm not going to plan it too. My fiancé and I are planning our engagement party. When I told her we were having a themed party she got really excited so I asked if she wanted to help and she accepted. So she created the music list because she wanted to and came up some fun decorating ideas. Which I did not demand from her, she did it on her own and I was grateful. I just know now she is not going to be able to come to the party because she is pregnant and I do not want her to feel obligated which is why I wanted to give her less responsibility. I do not think the bridal show is too much to ask. I would like her to be there while I try on dress'. That is a normal request lots of brides bring friends with them to try on dress' and have them shop for bride maids dress'. How are they suppose to get their dress if they don't go and try them on? Never in any of my responses did I say I needed her to pick out a venue for the engagement party, get the food catered, order the decorations, design and create and mail out all of the invitations, those are things that a wedding planner does, but my fiancé and I are doing those things because we can not afford a wedding planner, all I said was that I needed her to help me. I do not expect her to help me with every little detail nor did I say that. I am really excited for her and have already offered to plan her baby shower and I am planning on making a detour out there the beginning of March when I'll be in CA for work. This girl is my best friend who I have known since I was in elementary and she knew that I needed a lot of help when I asked her and now that she is pregnant I know it is too much to ask which is why I asked this question. But it does not matter anyway because I have already spoken to her about it and made a decision. She is happy to be my Matron of Honor and my friend in town was excited when I asked her to be my Maid of Honor. I appreciate all the insightful responses and as to all of you negative seekers out there don't bother responding because I am not reading anymore of your post.

[Fr_Chuck]

No I think you are blowing it way out of what is first expected, you keep asking her to do more and more, and now you want to take the honor you had given her away,
That is what I see as the problem. YOU,

Either let her try her best ( but now you are scared it will not be over the top or done as well ) so get others to help plan and do it, or guess what do some of the planning and work yourself, most brides really do.

Stop reading brides magazines that are not real life for most people and step into the real world, where the bride is there 4 hours early helping to hang decorations and doing most of the work.

And of course she was "honored" what choice did she have, but don't be surprised to lose a good friend over this in years to come.

[tickle]

Laluz,Your post no. l5 wherein you used innappriate language for this forum to our respected member joypulv will be addressed when this thread is closed. No one name calls here, as you have probably noticed.

Tick