[12421952]

Well I had been with my now ex for 7 years.. everything started great, we moved across the country together and got our own appt. over the course of our relationship (both now 26) we had broken up quite a few times but shortly later got back together.. every time I ask my friends or family for help about getting her back they just laugh and say "just give it a few weeks iddiot, she always comes back" but this time its much different.. in the past she would just up and leave to her aunts place which is about 45 minutes away, and pratically break all contact for up to about a month then call me or show up crying saying how much she loves me and that I have her heart and she's so in love with me etc..

This time though she slowly tapered off from still kissing, having sex, buying each other gifts (but her considering us friends with benefits until I start treating her like a "girlfriend") to not letting me kiss her on the lips and only sex when she is super horney to no sexual contact at all..

About 2 weeks ago I asked her about where we stood.. she stated that by having sex it makes me think we are together when we arnt, and that is all I wanted her for, went all out saying when was the last time you bought me a gift, when was the last time you took me out of town, when was the last time you tried to be romantic, all you do is get drunk and play on your computer why I sit and watch TV which I hate!.

Now every time we broke up prior (20+ times) it was always for the same reason.. I always had a different excuse to get her to come back, but I always knew that drinking was the root of the problem but was never ready (last resort) to get her to come back..

So I quit drinking 2 weeks ago! Mind you I hadn't gone a single night for the past 7 years without picking up a six pack on my way home from work and jut get numb... the very next day I made it my priotory to turn everything around.. she hadn't moved out of my place like she usually would do right away, so started doing all of those things she said I didn't do.. we really started getting close again.. one night in bed rather then her back to me she woke me up by holding my hand extra tight to her heart and smiling at me at like 4am.. so magical to me.. we would leave for work after such good days of my treating her like I should have been doing the whole time but once she got to work and would tell her girlfriends (I suspect) she would drift back away and say things like "i really hope im not leading you on....." I replied "hey i really needed to stop drinking, it was killing our relationship, i really hope you see that things can work very well between us by me removing it from my life.." she would say you always have an excuse! And for the first week or 2 you fool me into thinking you have changed, but then right back to the old you treating me like crap and only being nice when you want sex..

So I just said well only time can show you that I'm ready to stop drinking and start climbing the latter of life with you like we had started before I got sidetracked by getting numb every night..

So for the next maybe 10 days she would leave work early everyday (shes very tight on money and never did this before in our relationship) just to be with me which was so confusing to me. We would go out to lunch, we even joined a gym, long walks at the beach.. she would 'test' me in all sorts of ways that I would fail in the past such as ordering the wrong ice cream purposly only to get a few blocks away to say she got the wrong flavor to see if I would go back and get her what she really wanted... I passed each test, because I want to be with this girl.. but I'm thinking that she thinks I'm just trying to win her back when really I feel like I'm just trying to rekindle our relationship being as she never even moved out of our appt that she was so quick to do in the past..

Every day going forword we would have better and better times, she even asked me when am I finally going to take her to disney.. I made sure to try to do everything she had said I didn't do to show her I am capable, and just when we started getting really close again (her taking my hand on walks, telling me I'm the hottest guy at the gym) she would kind of out of nowhere push herself away from me and say wow I'm really falling for your games to get me back, maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore, I don't want to be with you anymore..

Gosh its tough hearing such words, esp when I'm no longer turning to booze to desensitize.. so after that I got really depressed, I aleady was reading everything I could find on getting your ex back and not to act needed or pushy so I just fealt I should try to add some distance, because the harder I tried to make her happy would seem to work in the beginning, but she would realize she was falling for me again and push away.. so it was just a watse I guess...

The next day she texts me "hey my personal trainer, what are we doing today at the gym?" I responded I nolonger want to go.. explain to her that all these people join the gym, the gym becomes there life and they end up just dating people within the gym and I don't want that.. kind of trying to make her jelous in a way, or just think.. next thing I know she shows up at my house, aggressivly probing me why I don't want to go, how I bought all these supplements and gym gear weeks ago and out of the blue don't want to.. I said its just not me.. now she is a VERY VERY jelous person.. she flipped and was like what happened did a girl try to talk to you, I'm like no no no... she says my name and repeats did somebody try to look at you.. she swore I was lying and knows when I'm lying and that I'm lying... and to be honest with you, I really enjoyed it! So against what I wanted to do I said well... WELL WHATT!! WELLLLL WHATTT!! Man she flipped... I'm like OK... I was waiting in line a few days ago to refill our water bottle and this gil said I saw you checking me out, and walked away.. then yesterday she sent me a message on Facebook saying don't be shy I won't bite, then smiles at me every time I see her when we go to our gym, and I really don't want you (my ex) to catch her smiling at me and my chances with you go out the window, because I don't know the girl, never responded to her on face book and am just weired out by her... so she goes all talking all this trash about this make believe female... ends up storming out our place and heads to the gym alone, she later texts me what the Fukc does this bicth look like!! Describe her! I told her relax I don't know the girl at all, not my type anyway.. and that she's nothing to worry about...

She just responds F off! And went to her aunts that night..

Yesterday I tried so hard not to be the first to text her.. but failed and asked how she was doing, she replied fine you? I just said that I read a lot (which I had) that ex lovers can't remain friends after a breakup primarily due to jelously issues and such other emotions.. she is like oh you don't want to be friends? I sent her a few links from msn about it.. she got upset and we stopped texting.. she stayed again with her aunt and we go alllllllll the way until 7pm today with no contact, after I planned to start the no contact approach to winning her back this morning.. it was VERY hard for me.. but on my way home from work she messages me from the gym "i really need to know what this girl looks like so i can stop giving dirty looks to every girl in the gym!!!"

I was soooooooo relieved..

But with all the built up tension fom no communication today I replied "i really dont understand why you would be upset about this at all, the last girl that was into me that i didnt want anything to do with i was very happy to hear her tell me about all the attention she was getting from other guys..

no reply

i then 2 hours later stuipidly asked "got plans tonight" (friday) and still no reply...


Man I am going crazy in my head and would love to get some input going forword on how to handle this... I do want her back and for the first time am ready to maintain this change to make her and I work out...

[12421952]

Everything I find on Google about getting your ex back consists of the No Contact approach, but I almost feel that if I just deal with her telling me that she hopes she's not leading me on and continuing to have days with her that she couldn't possibly complain about that e v e n t u a l l y she would be like wow you really did change, I love you!

But in all honesty, a few years back we got into a crucial fight.. I won't go into the details but it was pretty severe.. it was the worst month of my life... ahhh gives me chills.. anyway we didn't talk for about a month at all.. her whole family hated me.. but it just so happened that about 30 days from the incident was my birthday.. and she called to say happy birthday, but wanted to get off the phone asap after saying it.. so I hung up with her... I later emailed her that the past month was the worst month I had expierenced but really needed it to get out of my comfort zone to realize what I had and lost and get my life back on track for the future I was always after... 5 minutes after I sent the email she called me back, and we where back together about 3 days later...

So do I go with the no contact approach for a little for her to hopefully realize who I can be as I've been giving her the world the past 2 weeks.. or recoup from this small stirup and return to seeing her and sleeping beside her daily at my place and dealing with "i dont want to lead you on"??


Thanks for any reply! Please help.

[Ash123]

Please start with my survival guide below.

If they are gonna be back, that is the way most likely.....

That said, I have to be honest though. You drink too much and she yells too much. I don't think you all are ready to be together and you spent 7 years hiding from
Reality rather than growing up. If you are serious about her and yourself I'd wait at least 6 months before going back. No matter what either of you do.
You all are not acting maturely and I think she was wise to step away. Change yourself. Accomplish something new.

[12421952]

Thanks for the reply and links, ashley? I love your guide but feel that there is just a little bit more to expirement with before going silent for 6 months... most likely out of error on my own part.. every night apart I worry she finds the perfect guy and gets married overnight... and to be honest with you.. I feer that myself, I'm a very loyal person and worry that ill just give into the next girl and get deeply involved then have to choose between two... I'm so scared!

[liz28]

First, it your fault that your in this situation. You should have never imply that a girl like you at the gym especially if you know she's a jealous person. That's adding fume to the fire. No matter what you do or how bad you want her back it's totally up to her. Your both need to stop acting like kida otherwise this cycle will keep happening and the break-ups to make-ups does get old after a point. Instead your both need to work on your foundation and stop making the other person feel bad, just because. Are you saying in your post that you hit her in the past because that can definetely make her family hate you? You need to give her time and don't ever put thoughts in someone head that you don't want there. Congraduations, on you giving up drinking though.

[Ash123]

I have read your post and while I know you want her back NOW it is not healthy. The only way to get through this and be a better person is to talk to a therapist for 6 months. Ask your doctor for a name or two-just say you had a bad break up and you want to talk it out. Then you can dig into some issues like drinking and disrespect and the fact that you are more worried about her hooking up or you hooking up than about believing in real love with trust. If it is too expensive there are less expensive counselors and social workers that can be found too. Sorry buddy but I don't think you are ready for her or her for you right now and will never be ready for anyone until you delve into yourself and your life up to now a little deeper. THEN great things can happen for you. Rooting for you... A

[12421952]

Thanks for the replies guys.. I understand your recommendations on taking time to let myself completely recover but really what I am asking for is how to get her back now? Given my situation what method do you think would work the best?

[Ash123]

I understand the question, but sometimes I have to share the unpopular answer... getting someone back is not always a solution to all life's problems. And this case, I think, is one of them.

If you all got back it would just repeat and repeat and repeat. It's not healthy. You need to focus on bettering yourself and others and then see what happens. She needs to do the same... she is not a goodd mate right now either. Then see, with her or someone else in 6 months.

She left because deep down she knows that is the case.

Hang in there. I know it sux right now!

[liz28]

There is no right method to get her back right now. Do you want this cycle to continue and go through a break-up every year? This isn't love and this yo-yo effect needs to stop. You stated you see a therapist, what does she/he advise you to do about this situation? You have a lot to work on through yourself first and see what going on from the outside and stop thinking with your heart and use your head.

[12421952]

Well if any want to help me gte her back please advise... this morning she texted me saing she's at the oil change place and has to wait 2 hours and that it sucks being lonely.. I waited 3 hours and esponded way to go independent woman! And left it at that... I really wanted to talk to her, or go meet with her and get breakfest together as we always have done.. but tried so hard to stay on track with the no contact approach... usually when she says the word lonely I'm right there to make her comfortable.. but I feel like she just dropped it to see if I was still there to flock to her.. any input??

[turbogtir]

Go no contact, watch her crawl back. After 7 years being together feelings like that won't just go away, she will still want you in her life, but make sure its not "as friends" so for the moment go NC until she contacts you, let her first express her feelings before you express anything back. The balls in her court, if youv broken up previously and she's crawled back, then no doubt she will prob do it again, so don't stress dude!

[talaniman]

I planned to start the no contact approach to winning her back this morning..

No Contact will not win her back. Given the history, and the fact she calls so much, I would just chill until she came back. After 20 break ups, you should be use to this drill by now, so forget all the strategies, and find something else to do.

I do suggest some better coping strategies for your disagreements.

[12421952]

Thanks you guys!! Oh my god.. I think I can sleep tonight getting some support on the NC approach.. this is my first time ever doing it, so I really need the support from other to go through it...

M just worried that this will spin her off from me.. it was only a month ago that she was asking when was I going to take her to disney again..

Ahhhh!.

[12421952]

No Contact will not win her back. Given the history, and the fact she calls so much, I would just chill until she came back. After 20 break ups, you should be use to this drill by now, so forget all the strategies, and find something else to do.

I do suggest some better coping strategies for your disagreements.

So what should I do? I really want to ask her to spend tomorrow at the beach with me.. but what if she is hungover in bed and doesn't want to join? Then its me throwing the ball back to her... ahhhh!

[turbogtir]

so what should i do? i really want to ask her to spend tommorow at the beach with me.. but what if she is hungover in bed and doesnt want to join? then its me throwing the ball back to her... ahhhh!

Dude just don't say anything at this moment, the more you ask her questions and invite her out to do stuff the more you will push her away, just go NC and wait for her to contact you! (read my thread and my situation you may get a understanding of what to do etc)

[12421952]

Thanks a billion turbo gtr? What do you drive? I'm still na e46 m3

[turbogtir]

thanks a billion turbo gtr? what do you drive? im still na e46 m3

NW dude, yea I drive the old beast, 1994 Nissan pulsar gti-r running 22psi atm! My friend has a M3 there very nice cars indeed, so yea just stick with what I told you and what the other fellas are telling you, trust me they know there stuff and have helped me through my shi* even though its not 100 percent better yet but slowly getting there.

[Ash123]

You are thinking small picture because you are in pain. As an outsider I can tell you the big picture. If you want a happy life you need to focus on improving yourself. Being healthy. Good grades or job. You have an addictive personality it seems: alcohol, your ex (20 times) and your relationship pattern.
The goal is happiness right? That is sometimes from choosing the hard way. If this girl is the one, get all your issues in order for 6 months: talk to a counselor about drinking and when and why you do it. Get your career in line or a plan. Then you can talk or write if you are then sure. If she is the one it'll turn out. If she is not you are ready for the right one!
How old are you?

[Ash123]

Ok... I saw u are 26. So, what do you do for a living to create a life right now? Do you like it?

[talaniman]

Relationship aren't built on games, and going back and forth 20 times, it's a childish grade school game, so forget your strategies, and playing around and get some adult communications going.

What self respecting man puts up with that crap, and pathetically sits around, worrying about strategies to get her back???

That makes no sense, so get her on the line, and talk about growing up, not going to disneyland, are you serious??

If you act like a MAN, she may act like a WOMAN!