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amicon · Jan 19, 2010, 09:36 AM

Why break NC and set yourself back,run the risk of upsetting her to repeat something you've already said?
And looking at pictures isn't helping you either,so stop doing that.

Cat1864 · Jan 19, 2010, 09:46 AM

It could make her think that is how you want her to feel. It doesn't mean that is how she will feel or what you intended.

Wishing her well is for you. Not her. It makes you feel better to know that you sent it. It is all about you and what you want.

What she wants is to be left alone.

Cristoforo · Jan 19, 2010, 10:03 AM

Why are any well wishes from me automatically not genuine and selfish? Is it really not possible for me to truly want the best for her and express that to her?

Cat1864 · Jan 19, 2010, 10:35 AM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

Why are any well wishes from me automatically not genuine and selfish? Is it really not possible for me to truly want the best for her and express that to her?

I didn't say they weren't genuine. What I said was your sharing your feelings could be seen as selfish. BECAUSE you would be ignoring her need to have no contact.

Cristoforo · Jan 19, 2010, 06:08 PM

I forgot to add what is probably a very important detail to this whole situation. I don't know why it slipped my mind but it definitely has something to do with my ex's reaction to what I did.

From the ages of 6 to 9, my ex was sexually abused by her former stepfather. This obviously is something she probably will never get over and will have to deal with for the rest of her life. This was probably why she waited until she was in love to lose her virginity, which was to me.

When I slept with someone else, and didn't tell her and lied about it when she asked, she feels like I vioalted her when we slept together because she thinks I could have gotten an STD and given it to her.

Now I feel as if she feels I sexually abused her her something, and now she views me in the same light as her piece of crap stepfather. This was the last thing I want... for her to hate me like she hates he stepfather. Man, I really hope this isn't the case. I don't know how to live with myself knowing that she might view me in this light. This is going to set be back a lot. I never meant to hurt her like this.

valkman98 · Jan 19, 2010, 06:19 PM

Cristoforo, I am going to ask you for something, please let this go .Stop with the "what if" stuff. It isn't helping you,and is causing you to suffer more than you need. Put the whip away and start healing.

Cristoforo · Jan 19, 2010, 06:21 PM

There is no what if. I just don't want to go the rest of my life thinking that she views me like her step father. I never wanted that.

Cat1864 · Jan 19, 2010, 06:28 PM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

Now I feel as if she feels I sexually abused her her something, and now she views me in the same light as her piece of crap stepfather. This was the last thing I want...for her to hate me like she hates he stepfather. Man, I really hope this isn't the case. I don't know how to live with myself knowing that she might view me in this light. This is going to set be back a lot. I never meant to hurt her like this.

I don't think she does. She did contact you about the dog. She would not have done that if she views you in the same light as that person.

The problem is that by contacting her when she doesn't want contact, you are taking the choice to contact you away from her. You are taking that control away from her.

It is a no win situation for you at the moment. If you don't contact, you don't know how she feels about you and you worry. If you do contact her, you run the risk of setting back BOTH of your recoveries and making her feel 'not in control'.

Personally, I would keep my own uncertainty and let her have the control to contact me if/when she is ready.

valkman98 · Jan 19, 2010, 06:49 PM

What if she thinks of me as she does her stepfather,sounds like "what if" to me. Stop it and be good to yourself and her .

Cristoforo · Jan 28, 2010, 09:32 AM

Just got back from my 5 day trip out to Colorado. I thought being out there with the beautiful views and the great skiing would take my mind off her. I thought about her every day. It was so pathetic that I even cried on a ski lift. Also, I had a dream about her EVERY NIGHT I was there. This just keeps getting worse and I don't know what it will take to make me feel better. I thought time would heal everything. It seems to be making it worse.

amicon · Jan 28, 2010, 09:52 AM

Time will heal you-but it will still take whatever time it takes.

It's a question of how you spend your time as well.
Apart from work,do you make plans to do things in your spare time?

Are you still seeing your therapist?

Cristoforo · Feb 23, 2010, 07:53 AM

Just thought I'd pop in an offer a little update. I've been in NC for over a month now... I broke it a month ago and sent her an email wishing her well but of course, I never got a response, which was expected. So I've been strict NC. Blocked her on Facebook, and I probably should delete her from my phone as well.

I have been going to my therapist regularly, which has worked wonders. The time apart from my ex has really opened my eyes and allowed me to examine the relationship in its entirety. Although it was finally me who broke the trust and lied to her, which led to the final breakup, I see that there were so many red flags in the relationship... perhaps too many.

I know from my initial post in April of last year, and then my more recent post about how she ended it for good, most people probably want to view me as the jerk who didn't care about her feelings, but that is a false assumption and I hope people can see that. It takes two to tango. She deserves some blame in the breakup as well. It wasn't all my actions.

I see now we just weren't compatible in so many ways. Since the last breakup, I wanted to put her on some sort of pedestal that she really didn't belong on, forgetting the fact that in our 5 year relationship, we really only had a little under a year in which things weren't rocky. We fought all the time, we both did immature things to each other, she was unfair a lot, she overreacted a lot, she had a lot of issues to deal with and so did I and it made for a turbulent relationship.

The main point of my post is this: It's getting better! I still have days where I'm a little bummed out, but its amazing that with the passing of time, wounds like this really do begin to heal. To think that I will never find love again or never find that connection with someone again is ridiculous. I know I will. And hopefully the next time I do, it will be on a much more mature level and it will last forever. And this time around, I will know how to better handle a relationship because I learned so many lessons during my last one in terms of communicating how I feel and being honest.

I spent way too much time and energy being miserable about my life and my situation only to realize how pathetic that really is and to realize that I am alive for a reason. I am young and I have my whole life ahead of me. I don't need another person to make me whole or make me happy. Only I can do that for myself!

So that is my goal right now, find true happiness in life without the aid of a relationship. I need to be happy with myself before being happy with someone else in my life. Things are looking up. I'm actually excited for what is in store for me.

Kevin86 · Feb 23, 2010, 08:08 AM

Wish you the best of luck!

amicon · Feb 23, 2010, 08:20 AM

Brilliant news-I'm truly happy for you.
Keep going and the very best of luck.

Cristoforo · Feb 27, 2010, 02:13 PM

Just sitting here a minute ago and my phone rings and it is her. I didn't answer it and she left no voicemail. Over a month of strict NC up to this point. Not sure what she wants or if I want to call her back. It may only upset me more to talk to her. What should I do? I feel like its best on my part to stay NC but I'm not sure.

talaniman · Feb 27, 2010, 02:21 PM

I feel like its best on my part to stay NC.

Cristoforo · Feb 28, 2010, 12:10 PM

I think I may have figured out why she called. She moved to Hawaii last month. I just heard today that Hawaii was supposed to get hit by a tsunami. Maybe that's why she was calling? I don't know. Would it be advisable to contact to see if she's OK?

CarrotTalker · Feb 28, 2010, 02:14 PM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

I think I may have figured out why she called. She moved to Hawaii last month. I just heard today that Hawaii was supposed to get hit by a tsunami. Maybe that's why she was calling? I don't know. Would it be advisable to contact to see if she's ok??

No.

If it was important, or she seriously wanted to talk, she would have left a voice mail.

Cat1864 · Feb 28, 2010, 02:41 PM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

I think I may have figured out why she called. She moved to Hawaii last month. I just heard today that Hawaii was supposed to get hit by a tsunami. Maybe that's why she was calling? I don't know. Would it be advisable to contact to see if she's ok??

It turned out that the tsunami didn't materialize like they thought it would. She and Hawaii are fine as far as that goes.

Keep NC. Let her leave a message if she feels it is important enough to contact you.

talaniman · Feb 28, 2010, 08:27 PM

Curiosity killed the cat, whoops not you Cat!