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ladykiren · May 22, 2008, 12:02 PM

So I have this friend who I've known for six years and we've always been there for each other. But in the last couple of years I keep catching her lying to me and my three other best friends. The thing is that they aren't little white lies, they're big things that could get people into trouble. The thing is, that when she tells the lie she exhibits every trait of someone who lies but then she swears up and down that she isn't lying. But then about a week later she'll let us know that she was lying. We've confronted her about it but she tells us that she has no idea how to stop lying. She just told me that she would do anything to gain our trust, but all we want is for her to tell us the truth, without embellishing anything. What should we do?

batgirl2009 · May 22, 2008, 12:17 PM

Well... this is quite an interesting predicament. Well I must say that you seem... THAT WAS HILARIOUS WHAT MR. JAMES SAID... like a... Oh... well refined young lady. You obviously have a great choice in friends... especially if one of them is African American and about 5 feet tall. I say that you should send your friend to a therapist. If she is constantly lying there has to be a reason behind it even if she doesn't admit to it. I think she needs serious help. But you need to support her but also remember to take what she ways with a grain of salt. Is this a reoccuring problem? By the way... if you take laptops from the library you need to make sure that you personally return them. I hope you have fun walking out to the statue of Mary... keep in touch dear child!

Don't commit any felonies while on school property.

chuff · May 22, 2008, 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by batgirl2009

Well... this is quite an interesting predicament. Well I must say that you seem..... THAT WAS HILARIOUS WHAT MR. JAMES SAID.... like a..... Oh .... well refined young lady. You obviously have a great choice in friends... especially if one of them is African American and about 5 feet tall. I say that you should send your friend to a therapist. If she is constantly lying there has to be a reason behind it even if she doesn't admit to it. I think she needs serious help. But you need to support her but also remember to take what she ways with a grain of salt. Is this a reoccuring problem? By the way... if you take laptops from the library you need to make sure that you personally return them. I hope you have fun walking out to the statue of Mary... keep in touch dear child!

Don't commit any felonies while on school property.

Huh?

chuff · May 22, 2008, 01:38 PM

I think you need to pull away from her, and if you are unwilling to do that, I'd recommend just mocking her to no end every time you catch her in a lie.

ladykiren · May 22, 2008, 02:38 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

I think you need to pull away from her, and if you are unwilling to do that, I'd recommend just mocking her to no end everytime you catch her in a lie.

Um... excuse me? That is not a very friend-like thing to do. I wouldn't... ok I do make fun of her but that's more in a joking manner and I want her to know that I am serious about her not lying to us.

jolienoire · May 22, 2008, 02:45 PM

Well as you are telling us tell her, or eventually you would have to disconnect yourself from her. Ppl who lie often seek attention. Either way there is not much you can do to change someone they have to be willing to stop. I know you want her to stop but if she doesn't you either deal with it or disconnect yourself from her, and when and if she ask why explain to her that you just can't take her lying. It may sound harsh, but she needs to know that lies are serious, and can become annoying.

ladykiren · May 22, 2008, 02:55 PM

Originally Posted by jolienoire

well as you are telling us tell her, or eventually you would have to disconnect yourself from her. Ppl who lie often seek attention. Either way there is not much you can do to change someone they have to be willing to stop. I know you want her to stop but if she doesn't you either deal with it or disconnect yourself from her, and when and if she ask why explain to her that you just can't take her lying. It may sound harsh, but she needs to know that lies are serious, and can become annoying.

Well, our group had a chat with her today, we explained our feelings about the matter and though we didn't have too much time we did try explaining ourselves. She then later said she wanted to gain our trust back and we just told her to tell the truth, she said that sometimes she just couldn't help but lie, she didn't really know how to stop. I'm just wondering if there is something else we can do? Do you think calling her on her lies right away would help or.. Because she's my friend I really don't want to doubt her but I don't know what else to do.

batgirl2009 · May 22, 2008, 03:01 PM

Yeah... I'm friends with Ladykiern and I'm just not so sure that we could leave her. We are such a tight group. We have made up our own holiday and call ourselves the fantastic four. And we are NEVER seen without each other. People at school know that if they see one of us that the other 3 aren't too far away.

livebackwards24 · May 22, 2008, 03:02 PM

I agree with jolienoire. You have to find out whether she's willing to stop, because if she isn't willing to stop then I'm not sure you should stay friends with her. Not that acquaintances are bad, but when they were your friend and you couldn't trust them, things get a tad awkward. Also, you have to call her out on every lie and discuss why she lied and what specifically she lied about, that way you can get to the bottom of her problems.

jolienoire · May 22, 2008, 03:04 PM

Originally Posted by ladykiren

Do you think calling her on her lies right away would help or...? Because she's my friend I really don't want to doubt her but I don't know what else to do.

Only one way to find out try it, I mean I know you are trying to spare her embarrassment but she should already be emabarrassed by lying to her friends, but I bet she would be hesitant to lie, when I had a friend that lied I use to tell him don't tell any big lies today small ones are just effective! We all laughed except him. I mean he would stop and just would say forget it, and then we talk about something else. If you stop listening to her, or just cut her short once you sense she is lying and change the subject.. she will understand that and hopefully would stop but if she doesn't you may have to disconnect yourself from her at some degree

ladykiren · May 22, 2008, 03:20 PM

Like batgirl2009 said we are a tight group, I'd be really hesitant to leave her, she doesn't do well on her own at all and she's got pretty low self esteem, leaving or disconnecting from her might not go well... I'm just really hesitant to have it come to that.

JBeaucaire · May 22, 2008, 03:20 PM

Get her to sign a "lie fine agreement". Every time she is confirmed in a lie, she must pay a fine of $5 to each of you she told the lie to.

Now, you don't have to worry about her telling lies anymore, in fact you welcome it. Good pocket change.

If she says something you disbelieve, immediately call "Lie check" and make her prove her story or pay the fine.

Have some fun with it, and she gets the point, too. Lying cost trust, the same way it costs $5 bills.

batgirl2009 · May 22, 2008, 03:43 PM

Okay JBeaucaire... that made me laugh... but I don't think we could do that. It would never work.

JBeaucaire · May 22, 2008, 04:28 PM

Anything you don't try automatically "doesn't work". Right? Planning ahead to NOT do something because it "won't work" is missing the point. She sees you guys are investing some ideas and effort into helping her stop lying.

Whether it worked or not, it's silly, fun, and attempts to draw attention to an issue you want her to improve on. Succeed or fail, at least it's something.

<nudge>

batgirl2009 · May 22, 2008, 04:41 PM

Ok... J... I know you are right. I guess we should try it. It's better than nothing

chuff · May 23, 2008, 05:51 AM

Originally Posted by ladykiren

Um...excuse me? That is not a very friend-like thing to do. I wouldn't...ok I do make fun of her but that's more in a joking manner and I want her to know that I am serious about her not lying to us.

Um... excuse me? She's lying to you left and right and you call her on it and she still does it. That is not a very friend like thing to do. If you want the same results keep shying away from her and let her control you. If want real results take real action.

talaniman · May 23, 2008, 06:23 AM

Sorry, but lying is a dealbreaker, and must be dealt with harshly, and decisively. Exile her from the group, plain and simple, she will only do what you tolerate, and you have all tolerated it to long. Be her friend for real, and give her the tough love to motivate change.