[redstarkle]

Hello,

My boyfriend of 3 years is just one lovely man. We are having a wonderful relationship, similar interests, goals, sense of humour... just this thing that bothers me and makes me feel he may not be interested in living with me, or even marry me one day as he says...

I will be happy for your advice, as I am 23 and he is 32, I am so unexperienced, never lived with anyone else or thought about marriage.

:confused:
Is it common/normal when deeply in love couple is not living together after 3 years of dating please?
- my boyfriend says until I can pay half rental costs... no money no funny (he is living in a very expensive flat and knows that I, as a day-student cannot afford it / I do work /, but he is not willing to give it up and move to less expensive one and does not want me in, while using the argument of sharing costs, even that he knows he has to pay as much as he would have to if I moved in) - I feel trapped, because he tells me I would be a perfect living partner - I rarely argue, never yell, or bother him... but he knows since the beginning that I would not like to live in such unreasonably expensive flat ever
:confused:
Is it really an american tradition that bride covers all costs of the wedding, except the engagement ring?
- He is american, I am european and I really have no clue what to think about this, as we do not have such... "tradition" - here, when we cannot afford engagement ring we just keep it simple and do not get it, or not with diamond, wedding costs we are or sharing or no matter how the couple agreeds, plus, and my boyfriend knows this, I just do not make a big deal out of this, it is our day and he knows I like simple things... that do not costs that much, and if I want to marry, does it mean I need to have as big parade as possible, or is he just faking and pulling on my leg ?
:confused:
Is the engagement ring that neccessary? And does it have to be very expensive?
- he says it needs to be as expensive as he values me, and because of he does not have that much money yet, he cannot afford it, so he won't marry me until he will be able to buy it
which... as already mentioned above, sounds just strange to me and I need your kind advice with this please.

So I kindly ask you for your help, what to do, or how may I figure out if he is really honest and if so, how to proceed?
(I talked to him about these things, but in a general way. Yes - would be my answer if he asked me to live with him and/or marry him and he knows it for sure...
It hurt me once he told me he almost married longer time ago in Las Vegas with a strange girl... my heart cried and I told him that... he responded it almost happened and just as fun... I asked him if he would be legally obliged... he said yes

[N0help4u]

I don't know if he loves you or not but one thing for sure he loves his material things and money more than whatever his feelings for you are.

Yes the traditional way is brides family covers wedding/he buys ring,BUT traditional way is husband is money maker and covers rent, utilities, etc... and wife contributes according to whatever they agree on. You are not agreeming to 50/50.
Seems like this 50/50 thing is his easy way out to not marry you. Besides if he loved you right he wouldn't be dictating and making these stipulations.
Give him your own ultimatium --marry me or let me move with you or I'm moving on. That should satisfy the answer to your question
BUT be prepared to follow through with moving on if he still doesn't budge.

[redstarkle]

Thanks for your opinion,
Plus I am taking care of legal matters for his business for free, Iam working, cooking etc. for him, he does as well - 50:50, I study daily, work in any free time I have, I study law but I working my off for it...

I appreciate your help a lot, also if anybody else had some opinion on my situation I would be very happy.

[N0help4u]

Sounds like he wants a free maid. I think it is time for you to make some ''... or elses'' with him and follow through.

[winding200]

It does not sound right if he asks you to pay 50% of rent while you are student. Why do you want to get married before finishing school at age 23? Why do you want to live with him now? It seems he disagree you guys are in the situation to get married.

Culture wise:

Is it common/normal when deeply in love couple is not living together after 3 years of dating please?

Everybody is different, and I never wanted to live with someone without marriage. Why should I? If he loves enough to live with me, propose me. If I love him enough to live with him forever, I will marry him. Otherwise, I will enjoy my freedom as single while I am dating. I do not cheat, one man person, but I love my own time, space, hobby, financial freedom, friends and career. Now I am happily married, but I never offered anyone cohabitation, a trial version of marriage ever. Same thing goes with having babies. I really do not understand people having babies without marriage. I am not getting it. What is European culture? Where did you come from?

Is it really an American tradition that bride covers all costs of the wedding, except the engagement ring?

Yes, it is tradition, but it depends on couple. I had tropical beach wedding in Puerto Rico, and it became so expensive since we had to pay all the guests' airplane tickets, hotels. And cruises etc. We shared the cost half and half. We are both financially stable. If you are a student, he should help you with wedding cost. What is European culture?

Is the engagement ring that necessary? And does it have to be very expensive?

Yes, indeed. Why not? You will wear it for your life time, and it should be a good one. I am giving up my opportunity to meet someone else for life time for only this man. I think I deserved the best of best among he can offer. The ring will be OUR asset after wedding anyway, and I do not see any problems. It should be done in his budget though. I do not agree people are ending up with huge debt after wedding.

[N0help4u]

An engagement ring is not essential any ring can be an engagement ring as long as he gave it to you as his engagement ring to you. With him wanting ''all out'' from you though I wouldn't settle for anything cheap from him

[talaniman]

:confused:
Is it common/normal when deeply in love couple is not living together after 3 years of dating please?
- my boyfriend says until I can pay half rental costs... no money no funny (he is living in a very expensive flat and knows that I, as a day-student cannot afford it / I do work /, but he is not willing to give it up and move to less expensive one and does not want me in, while using the argument of sharing costs, even that he knows he has to pay as much as he would have to if I moved in) - I feel trapped, because he tells me I would be a perfect living partner - I rarely argue, never yell, or bother him... but he knows since the beginning that I would not like to live in such unreasonably expensive flat ever
Its a big red flag that he is unwilling to compromise something to be with you.
:confused:
Is it really an American tradition that bride covers all costs of the wedding, except the engagement ring?
- He is American, I am European and I really have no clue what to think about this, as we do not have such... "tradition" - here, when we cannot afford engagement ring we just keep it simple and do not get it, or not with diamond, wedding costs we are or sharing or no matter how the couple agreed, plus, and my boyfriend knows this, I just do not make a big deal out of this, it is our day and he knows I like simple things... that do not costs that much, and if I want to marry, does it mean I need to have as big parade as possible, or is he just faking and pulling on my leg ?

Its a tradition, but husband and wife work together for marriage plans, and its also traditional to let the wife plan her day, her way.
:confused:
Is the engagement ring that necessary? And does it have to be very expensive?
- he says it needs to be as expensive as he values me, and because of he does not have that much money yet, he cannot afford it, so he won't marry me until he will be able to buy it
which... as already mentioned above, sounds just strange to me and I need your kind advice with this please.
Thats a crock of crap he is feeding you and sounds like a stalling tactic, to keep things the way they are.

Have you met his family???? This sounds like he will tell you anything to get his way. Its all what he wants and not about what you want, and its not fair in my opinion as a guy. This can't be your idea of love and marriage and thats what your future will be like, doing what he wants after he tells you anything that works for him to get his own way.

But I think, as you catch on to him, and his ways you'll stand up for yourself, and be PO'd, he was not as honest or caring as he could be.