[AmExp]

Read my post the "Ah ha moment". I think that will solve your issue. You fall into one of those categories.

[Fixer12]

I will be moving in the next 2 days. I am going to be spending the summer in Hawaii with my parents for 3 months. (they moved there). I am 20 years old. Everyone says that I should be completely happy and excited. Well for some reason I'm not as excited as I should be.

I had this ex in my life who always played games with me. She is now 17. She came down saw me for my birthday and happened to cheat on her boyfriend at the time with me. She claimed she was going to break up with her boyfriend cause she wanted to be with me. So I believed her. She led me on for about 2 weeks and nothing happened. She just said, "I dont know yet." I finally told her I wasn't waiting around, plus she started to treat me badly. So I didn't talk to her for a few days.

Today I find out that she has broken up with him, but she did cause she likes a guy who is 19. I know this may sound selfish and mean, but I am really mad at her for it. Yea we were together and it was a few years a part, but we were also together for a lot longer, before I was even 18 we started dating.

Obviously you can see its been a long time. Unfortunitly she and I will never actually live in the same town, so I basically told her there was no hope for us anymore. We had done the long distance relationship for over a year.

So this whole thing with the new guy has been making me so upset. All my dreams that I felt of happening with us, I can now see happening with her new guy. How should I view this? WHy can she have someone and be happy and I can't?

I have been trying to move on for a long time now. I decided today to go through with no contact for a long time. It just hurts for me to find these things out. I mean why him? I want to text her to convince her not to, but I don't want to know anything else. What do I do?

I will be living somewhere completely new, so I am even more afraid about never finding anyone new. That she will always have someone and I will be left single. I really want to be happy again with what I do have. This is the only issues I have in my life. I won't ever see her again, I am transferring to a new school this fall. What do I do? How can I make my mind come to terms with it all?

[Fixer12]

I know I for one feel guilty about telling off my ex. Does anyone else?
How do you cope with it?
Do you feel you still made the best choice?

I for one am having a hard time dealing with it. Today I finally had to tell of my ex. She and I had been running in circles for a full year. She would always have other boyfriends and then when they wouldn't work she would try to talk to me.

Well today she was hanging out with 2 of my old best friends. (I no longer live in this town). She was texting me and I finally just for comfortable talking to her casually. I was upset. These friends had hated her while we are dating... now they are all hanging out. They told me I was over reacting... which I know I was in a lot of ways. These 2 friends had turned into total druggies. She was hanging out with them so I had told her, "if you start doing the things they do i will loose all respect for you." Then I get a reply telling me she already did earlier that day. She texts me a few minutes later saying "oh i am sorry that was Manny, he got ahold of my phone." I didn't reply.

About an hour later I finally did. She claims that she hadn't gotten high with them. I personally do not like drugs. I told her that it was time for us to both move on... she said no, and so I tried to make it a good break off. I told her I would always care for her, but I didin't feel like spending another year in pain. I never did anything bad to her, she just strung me along...

I now feel guilty because she feels that I betrayed her. I never meant to make her sad. Did I make a mistake?

[starbuck8]

You absolutely DID NOT make a mistake. Don't feel guilty because SHE says you betrayed her. You would be betraying YOURSELF, if you did not follow your gut feeling and your morals.

By making a clean break, you are doing her a favour. She needs to learn who she can trust, and who she can't, so she needs to go through it to experience it. The druggies will betray her in worse ways than you probably ever would. Let her learn that lesson!

Don't play the guilt game with her, and don't let her play it with you! Young girls will do this to manipulate boys. Stand your ground, and wish her well. Everyone will respect you more for doing that, and you won't put yourself in the line of fire, to be hurt even more.

[JBeaucaire]

The only mistake is allowing someone else to put YOU on the defensive because of THEIR feelings. Ridiculousness.

You are required to be honest with your friends, even ex-girlfriends.

You are not required to protect them from the consequences of their own choices. One consequence of joining an "off crowd" is "good guys" walk away from you at that point. If that makes them sad, they can stop.

But she won't. She just wants you to feel bad and not punish her, which puts the punishment on YOU. Dumb, dumb, dumb if you fall for that.

Sounds like you aren't.

[Romefalls19]

No, you shouldn't feel guilty, she is the one who betrayed you. I am with you on the stance of drugs, waste of time. If the girl I was dating was doing them, I would toss them aside without a second thought. Drugs ruin peoples lives, don't even bother with them. You did what you felt you needed to do, and in my eyes, it was the right thing to do.

[Fixer12]

Thanks, its good to have the comfort. I guess it's hard closing this door and waiting for another one to open.

I don't like hurting people or having people dis-like me. It is in just my personality. My friends and family say, "i care to much about people." She was a big part of my life... now I feel like I just tossed it away.

[starbuck8]

Caring about people and their feelings is a good quality! However, take it from me, some people will take huge advantage of that, and you will be hurt. Be kind and caring, but also be smart and cautious with "taking care" and helping people. Believe me, you don't want to learn that lesson the hard way. If you get burned, the tables could turn, and it could make you cold hearted. I know that isn't how you want to be.

[Fixer12]

I know I have been taken advantage of it before. She always used my niceness to go off and do what she wants and come crawling back to me. Now for once when I stand up for myself, I am sitting around looking like I am a jerk, who is "over reacting" or "betrayed" her.

All my old friends now hang out and agree with her... I didn't do anything wrong, yet I seem to be the one paying for it.

[starbuck8]

That is usually the way it goes unfortunately. It's the nice guys finish last syndrome. It's not true in all cases, but some people can see nice guys coming from a mile away, and they take advantage. Be nice, just not guilable. There are a lot of people out there that see a meal ticket, and run with it! I think, although I'm sure it hurts, that you are a lot better off without her. When your gut tells you something, it is always best to go with that feeling. Don't worry about what they think of you. You are the better person. :)

[Fixer12]

Yea.. I mean I did find out that I wasn't the one that was causing here to feel "betrayed" but I think this answers my question that everyone has asked me if the people that are the "dumper" feel sad and miss their ex...

Yes I believe they do! YEs everyone deals with things in their own ways... but I believe that they do feel bad. It is never fun hurting someone who you cared a lot about at one point... break up hurts both sides of the story...

[starbuck8]

Take a look at this if you get a chance. I have had it written down for quite awhile now, and I sometimes need to read it over and over, just to remember things I sometimes forget to think of.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ve-223031.html

[talaniman]

I now feel guilty because she feels that I betrayed her.

She lied. She betrayed your trust.

I never meant to make her sad. Did I make a mistake?

It was no mistake, and she isn't sad, she is mad because you refuse to play her games, and that gets my respect for you.

[talaniman]

Curlyben agrees: Congrats on making AMHD's 1,000,000 post !!!
RickJ agrees: Excellent answer - a fine one for the millionth post! :)

Wow thanks, but aren't you supposed to ring the door bell with a big old check, and a van full of cash??

[talaniman]

Wow thanks, but aren't you supposed to ring the door bell with a big old check, and a van full of cash???????

The silence is deafening!! :confused:

[Libbers21]

I know i for one feel guilty about telling off my ex. Does anyone else?
How do you cope with it?
Do you feel you still made the best choice?

I for one am having a hard time dealing with it. Today i finally had to tell of my ex. She and i had been running in circles for a full year. She would always have other boyfriends and then when they wouldn't work she would try to talk to me.

Well today she was hanging out with 2 of my old best friends. (i no longer live in this town). She was texting me and i finally just for comfortable talking to her casually. I was upset. These friends had hated her while we are dating... now they are all hanging out. They told me i was over reacting.... which i know i was in alot of ways. These 2 friends had turned into total druggies. She was hanging out with them so i had told her, "if you start doing the things they do i will loose all respect for you." Then i get a reply telling me she already did earlier that day. She texts me a few minutes later saying "oh i am sorry that was Manny, he got ahold of my phone." i didn't reply.

About an hour later i finally did. she claims that she hadn't gotten high with them. I personally do not like drugs. I told her that it was time for us to both move on... she said no, and so i tried to make it a good break off. i told her i would always care for her, but i didin't feel like spending another year in pain. I never did anything bad to her, she just strung me along...

I now feel guilty because she feels that i betrayed her. I never ment to make her sad. Did i make a mistake?

No u did the right thing and of course your going to feel bad about hurting some one that you care about... but in the long run it might have helped her, because if she's afriad of losing you then she won't do those things!

[bigbird213]

There is a theme I notice in situations like this.

Many guys (myself included, so don't take offense) get involved in their first relationship with a girl and allow this girl to become their everything. The girl takes basically complete control over the guys life, whether they want to or not. The guy gives everything he has and tries his best to keep her happy, forever and always.

A byproduct of this seems to be that the girl almost has the guy "brainwashed". I can tell you from experience that my ex was able to make me believe that things were my fault that NO BODY else believed, but somehow, after years of work, she was able to get me think how she wanted me to.

Now that sounds very manipulative, and I don't know if that is their intention, but it seems to happen to enough people for it to be considered.

What made me think of this was your suggestion that you feel bad as she told you that she felt betrayed. After time, she knows how to work you, she knows what to do and say to make you feel guilty, and she will use it against you.

It's tough the first time through, but after your first breakup, you should be able to recognize the signs and avoid this sort of manipulation in the future...

Am I way off here, or does anyone see any truth to this?

[talaniman]

Your dead on. That's actually the way it works when you invest too much into the another person, and forget about yourself. Even if they are the one, and love your funky draws with dedication, not loving yourself, will yield the same results, loss of self, and unable to be happy with yourself, without them.

[starbuck8]

There is a theme I notice in situations like this.

Many guys (myself included, so don't take offense) get involved in their first relationship with a girl and allow this girl to become their everything. The girl takes basically complete control over the guys life, whether they want to or not. The guy gives everything he has and tries his best to keep her happy, forever and always.

A byproduct of this seems to be that the girl almost has the guy "brainwashed". I can tell you from experience that my ex was able to make me believe that things were my fault that NO BODY else believed, but somehow, after years of work, she was able to get me think how she wanted me to.

Now that sounds very manipulative, and I don't know if that is their intention, but it seems to happen to enough people for it to be considered.

What made me think of this was your suggestion that you feel bad as she told you that she felt betrayed. After time, she knows how to work you, she knows what to do and say to make you feel guilty, and she will use it against you.

It's tough the first time through, but after your first breakup, you should be able to recognize the signs and avoid this sort of manipulation in the future....

Am I way off here, or does anyone see any truth to this?

I totally agree Biggie, but lets don't make this gender specific. I know you were referring to your relationship, but it sure works the other way around a lot too. I guess now I'm referring to my relationships, but I sure haven't met too many guys like you, or Tal, or Sneezy... etc. Maybe it's location, location, location, LOL! j/k. I tell you though, I sure don't know many men that haven't cheated, abused, or controlled their g/f/wives. It's sad. I certainly don't mean to put "all men" in that category, just my experience. :( I agree that there are more and more women all the time, that give some of us good ones a bad name also!

[starbuck8]

The silence is deafening!!!!:confused:

Well it looks like I'm the only one that applied for the job Tal. Does that mean I have it?? :p LOL! :cool: