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Cat1864 · Jan 4, 2010, 03:00 PM

Originally Posted by Cristoforo

No, I'm not trying to minimize her hurt. I can understand what she is feeling. I guess I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and say that if I were her, I wouldn't cut her out of my life and never speak to her again, and I would forgive her at some point.

I just need to be strong and try to get through this as best I can. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll try to reach out to her, or maybe not.

In a way this is trivializing her hurt. You say that you can understand how she feels, but then you go to say what you would or wouldn't do as though that is what she should be doing. She has to do what is right FOR HER.

She has tried 'your' way in the past and has been in a cycle of hope and hurt. She is trying to do something different this time. Actually giving herself time and space to heal. Do the same for yourself.

Don't try to force the healing or put artificial time limits on it. Telling yourself that you will make it through today, tomorrow, next week... is one thing. Setting a time to try to get in touch with her (even as a maybe) is giving yourself false hope that you (and/or she) will have gotten rid of all the baggage by then. Most cases I have seen that try to set that type of limit are still holding on to a thread of belief that the other person is still coming back. They haven't truly faced the reality of the other person having moved on.

Allow yourself to heal at a natural pace. Yes, there will be ups and downs. It won't be easy, but, in the end, you will be stronger and better able to handle your next relationship.

Cristoforo · Jan 4, 2010, 05:30 PM

Well, are you saying I should never try contacting her? I know that its over and she most likely isn't coming back, but is it such a bad thing to want to reach out to her to see how she is doing? If anything, I'd still like to be friendly with her some day, is that so unreasonable to want that?

talaniman · Jan 4, 2010, 05:50 PM

Is it so unreasonable to leave her alone, until you have healed, and then revisit that issue of reaching out to her??

Cristoforo · Jan 4, 2010, 06:57 PM

No, it's not. I'm just not sure what it means to be fully healed.

valkman98 · Jan 4, 2010, 07:22 PM

I am new her but read this story, a few "outside" looking in thoughts if I might. When you lied,you blew it,end of story. When you thought you could read her mind, you couldn't. When you try and place yourself in her shoes ,you cant. I know you loved her but you actions don't say it, and she felt it. So it ends,go your way and let her go hers. I wouldn't want any reminders of a painful break so let her go and NC. As far as fully healed, that takes a long time sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't. Just my .02 input but I see too many "I" in your post, telling me its about you mostly and not her. It should be a "WE" thing if it is to be at all. Am going through a rebuilding now and it is hard sometimes doing the what if thing. We are doing much better ,the main thing is open,honest communications, from our hearts. No bs at all. That leaves doubt and that builds mistrust. Good help here, open you ears and try some. Good luck. I am not bashing nor do I judge you, not my place. In the end it will be you who makes the choices how you live.

Cristoforo · Jan 4, 2010, 07:44 PM

I am committed to the TRUTH from here on in. I know that the truth will set me free and being honest will allow me to have a healthy relationship in the future. I know that lying is no longer an option and I've learned the hard way what lying leads to.

As corny as this may sound, I am seriously considering getting a tattoo of the word 'verita', the Italian word for 'truth' on my upper arm, so it will be a constant reminder that the TRUTH is the only way to go.

emopunk7 · Jan 5, 2010, 03:05 AM

Do what you want but I wouldn't recommend that. It will always be a reminder if this girl and this situation. You still have so much to live for. Enjoy your life!

LJDK · Jan 5, 2010, 04:55 AM

If you really want to get the tattoo, do it somewhere more personal so that it is not in your face every time you remove your shirt.

Cristoforo · Jan 6, 2010, 09:52 AM

Well, it's crazy how things happen when you don't expect them to. I was just talking about contacting her and how I feel like she doesn't care anymore because I haven't heard from her. And what do you know...

SHE CALLED. Last night around midnight. I was surprised when I saw the call. When I answered it, she told me that her mother's dog had passed away. She was angry at her mother because apparently, she didn't take the dog to the vet and sort of neglected the fact that she was in pain and dying. She feels the dog should have been put to sleep long before this.

She was concerned because we had a dog together, who she still has. My ex informed me that she is indeed moving to Hawaii in the next week or two and cannot bring the dog with her. She wanted to know if I could take it because she doesn't want her mother to take care of him because of what happened with her dog.

Of course I change the subject to us. I ask if she ever planned on talking to me again. She said she didn't want to talk about it as it was too hard for her to deal with right now. I then ask her, "What were you more upset about, the fact that I lied, or the fact that I slept with someone when we were broken up?" She said "Both". This angered me because the only thing she has a right to be angry about is the fact that I lied, she HAS NO RIGHT to be angry with me for sleeping with someone else WHEN WE WERE BROKEN UP AND NOT TOGETHER. It just made me realize that even if I was honest, the outcome would have been the same. She would have dumped me. Honesty wouldn't have even mattered. It is very irrational of her to expect me not to do anything when we were broken up, and just wait around for her, even after she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I had every right to go out and live my life. I shouldn't have lied, but I committed no crime by being with someone else when we were broken up. For her to see it that way just proves she is irrational and just wanted control over me.

I still love her and I am willing to help her out with the dog because I love our dog. I just don't know why she felt the need to call me. Was it just because she needed something? Or did she call because she still cares about me, even though she is hurting badly?

talaniman · Jan 6, 2010, 10:00 AM

She just wanted the dog taken care of because she is leaving, and doesn't trust her mother.

Amazing how the mind can play tricks on you.

Imabadman · Jan 6, 2010, 10:03 AM

Why did she call? Doesn't this pretty much sum it up for you, "My ex informed me that she is indeed moving to Hawaii in the next week or two and cannot bring the dog with her. She wanted to know if I could take it because she doesn't want her mother to take care of him because of what happened with her dog."?

You're trying to read into everything. False hope just makes it hurt longer.

Cristoforo · Jan 6, 2010, 10:07 AM

No, I don't have hope that she wants to come back. I know she doesn't. I just don't understand why she wants to ask me for a favor if just a day ago she was content with never speaking to me again. There are a million other options for getting the dog taken care of. She has other family members. She has a brother. She has friends. She could always give it to someone. But no, she asks me when she knows the place I live in doesn't allow dogs. Why would she resort to calling me first?

amicon · Jan 6, 2010, 10:28 AM

Probably because you shared the dog. And how do you know for a fact that she hadn't called other people first?
Go back to NC and restart the healing process.

Imabadman · Jan 6, 2010, 10:30 AM

Yep... million other options. And you analysis every one fooling yourself.

I know it's hard. Try and let it go.

Cristoforo · Jan 6, 2010, 10:40 AM

How am I fooling myself? I just said I don't have any hope from this phone call. I know she isn't coming back. However, if I do take care of the dog, that means she will still be involved in my life as she will be checking up on him from time to time.

I know she didn't call anyone else because the dog died around midnight and she called me as she was on her way to her mom's. If she truly hated me, she wouldn't have even thought of calling me.

I'm not saying the call means that she wants me back. She confirmed that she doesn't. All I'm saying is the fact that she called me means she still cares about me somewhat, otherwise, she wouldn't trust me with taking the dog from her.

emopunk7 · Jan 6, 2010, 11:17 AM

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emopunk7 · Jan 6, 2010, 11:18 AM

Hey Cristoforo... Ok... So maybe she doesn't hate you. Why would she totally hate you when you both did have good times at once. Bottom line is she still doesn't want a relationship with you. I know her calling you hurts and plays with your mind especially when she calls and you think she mind be changing her mind. You are over thinking and it's pretty normal. She knows a friend wouldn't be too happy to just take that responsibility and she knows you'd do anything. She is desperate to get rid of the dog and WHY NOT HER EX BOYFRIEND? She is leaving you with the dirty work even after you broke up and you agree with taking care of the dog? Time to man up. She is oh so clever. And maybe her mom just doesn't want to take care of the dog. Lots of things to think about. Bottom line is she is leaving you with the dirty work. Plain and simple even though you don't see it. Stay strong. We are here for you!

Cristoforo · Jan 6, 2010, 11:34 AM

I will try to stay strong. So are you saying I shouldn't do her the favor of taking the dog? I can't have dogs at my place but my parents said they would take care of him.

Also, what are your thoughts on her saying that she isn't just mad that I lied, but she is also mad that I slept with someone when we were broken up. Is that really reasonable of her? I don't think it is and I really don't see how anyone can justify that as a reason to end a relationship. Yeah, I lied to her about it, that was the ONLY thing I did wrong.

By being single and going out and enjoying my life and the pleasure of someone else, I did nothing wrong. She asked about it, I lied, that's what I did wrong.

To be honest, I'm kind of mad right now myself. To think that even if I was honest from the start, she would have kicked me to the curb. Ridiculous. She is being irrational. If I would have been honest from the start, she should have had no reason to end the relationship.

If you are broken up with someone, and they sleep with someone when you were broken up that is no reason to end a relationship. If you end a relationship over something like that, It means you really didn't love the person enough. And that's how I am feeling right now. If I had been honest and she reacted the same way, it means she really didn't love me enough to make it work. It's not like I cheated on her or did something unforgivable. The only bad thing I did was lie. But that doesn't even matter because she said she is equally angry about both things. Whatever.

emopunk7 · Jan 6, 2010, 12:14 PM

If you end a relationship over something like that, It means you really didn't love the person enough. Those are your words... exactly right. She can say she is mad that you one day spoke a bit too loud as well and that one time you forgot to open the door. Bottom line is she can say she is mad about one thing or both or lots of things. Bottom line is you tried. She gives up. Sometimes there are no answers and this is one of those situations. Moving on means to just drop it and leave it behind because you know there are no answers but you care about yourself and you know better for next time. I'd say be glad you experienced something good and look forward to something better now. It will come. Take your time being sad... lay down and watch a movie.

talaniman · Jan 6, 2010, 02:22 PM

If you are broken up with someone, and they sleep with someone when you were broken up that is no reason to end a relationship. If you end a relationship over something like that, It means you really didn't love the person enough. And that's how I am feeling right now.

Maybe that's what you think, but she does NOT, and that's her right to have a different view of things.

If sleeping with someone other than her, is a dealbreaker, whether on a break or not, thats up to her. You can't change what others believe, nor should you try.

What if she had slept with a few guys during the break? How would you have felt? Be honest?