[rol]

Yeah I get your point , but I'm just saying it is possible to just remain friends with exes.
For most people I know its not, but for me it certainly is.

[wap]

You certainly feel that way Rol, everyone is different. I did try to rate your answer but I wasn't allowed! You are very strong, and a nice person

[valinors_sorrow]

i never dump any friends ;-) if the new guy i was to meet could not accept that i wanted to stay friends with an ex then he would be dumped!!

This is certainly your choice and I honor that too. And I am mindful that people differ too-- I only need look at my wildly varying friends to see that! However, what you say here may also be a way of eliminating some fine candidates Rol, since there are enough quality people out there who would take ex's hanging around as a red flag. All I am politely suggesting is this: that when you are producing results that you don't like... then it works best to objectively look at all the methodology being used that is producing the unsatisfactory results. I think it was Tal who once said: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

[Geoffersonairplane]

yeah i get ur point , but im just saying it is possible to just remain friends with exes.
For most people i know its not, but for me it certainly is.

This is what makes you an incredibly strong person...

I don't doubt that you have learnt how to achieve this through experience.

Maybe I could be like that but not right now, neither would I want to.

[rol]

<<However, what you say here may also be a way of eliminating some fine candidates Rol, since there are enough quality people out there who would take ex's hanging around as a red flag.>>

True, but by then I would have truly moved on with that new guy that he would have no need to be jealous. I'm not talking friends as in great buddies chatting every day either, but friends who just see each other from time to time to catch up.

[rol]

<<I don't doubt that you have learnt how to achieve this through experience.

Maybe I could be like that but not right now, neither would I want to.>>

Yes experience exactly.
I keep the people who I like in my life.

[valinors_sorrow]

To both Rol and Rocket - Ending it as friends, not enemies is always good but that is predicated on it ending. If you really think it through, remaining active friends with ex's just doesn't have a lot going for it -- its awkward at best if you are truthful about it and I sense its a way to keep the hope alive for those who like to remain in denial about it really being over.

This is why I qualified it as "active friends" Rol. What you are describing is a casual acquaintance to me. I can see now why you thought what you did. We have more of a semantics disagreement than anything. Does what you are suggesting mean that your new guy is NOT in a position to make friends with your ex's then?

[rol]

<<This is why I qualified it as "active friends" Rol. What you are describing is a casual acquaintance to me. I can see now why you thought what you did. >>

Ahhhhhhhh exactly!! I didn't see your "active friends part" on the post.
Casual friends exactly!!

Ah we agree at last Val :))

[talaniman]

Whatever you do, do it with your eyes wide open.

[valinors_sorrow]

Rol - You've obviously changed your mind since you wrote this on Post #47 a few pages back on this thread in November:

This morning however i began thinking again how perhaps i should have been more patient and not asked when i did that evening and it could have led to more, but then again it was 5 months of "friendship" so i believe it was time to know something. Plus why should he have my friendship etc when i told him from the beginning i did not want to be "just friends". That was not good for me and now we need distance away from each other .

May I ask what has changed your mind about friendship with ex's?

[Wildcat21]

It's all based on if you can deal with seeing gthem with someone else. Have you moved on? Can you move on?

A LOT of people accept friendship in hopes to eventually win the ex back - works sometimes.

Friends is the basis for a healthy relationship - you're not necessarily best buddies - but you better darn like hanging out with that person if you're going gto see them.

[valinors_sorrow]

A LOT of people accept friendship in hopes to eventually win the ex back - works sometimes.

What the majority of people do is often where the greatest truth lies for me. Each to their own, certainly, but I plan on believing this when I start hearing from people who are actually experiencing this. When it's a very small percentage for whom this occurs, then it means they are different in some measurable way. To believe I am one of those takes knowing how it is I am different and therefore like them. I know all too well what its like getting hurt by my own fantasies and bad science. So I don't invite others to do that either.

[Skell]

Rol,

Reading the recent developments in this thread I can't help but really think that you are hoping this 'friendship' you desire with the ex, will actually bring him back to you.

On must only look at your intentions when first coming here only a little over a month ago.

The title of your initial thread (this one) says it all.

So you are saying in that month and half you have completely moved on, got over him and are ready to sustain a friendship with this man that caused you so much grief and hurt?

You are certainly bucking the trend of everyone else who comes here, and indeed everyone I have ever known in my life when it comes to healing, greiving, moving on etc.

In a matter of 6 or 7 weeks you have gone from desperately wanting him back and hurting so badly, to being at a point where you are so far over him and moved on that you want to be friends. Wow, I wish I could be so strong!

All power to you. You're one of a kind.

I just hope you aren't lying to yourself Rol, because we all do that form time to time when we want something so bad, but in the end the lie is what prevents us getting what we want.

[valinors_sorrow]

I don't mean this to sound as glib as it might but the best advice I can give anyone about how to get their ex back is really don't lose them to begin with...

And if you have lost them, well, then by golly--- learn, learn, learn, and learn some more about you, about people, about relationships and how they work especially from people who have been successful at it, so that next time...

You correct what went wrong instead of lose them...

And wind up back here again asking: HOW DO I GET MY EX BACK??

[rol]

<<And if you have lost them, well, then by golly--- learn, learn, learn, and learn some more about you, about people, about relationships and how they work especially from people who have been successful at it, so that next time... >>

I have learned learned learned and am learning learning learning.
And I don't believe it is my fault that someone needs to find his identity again!! That is NOT my problem!!

But I think if true love is just that, then why run away from it!!

I feel as though I am coming to a point where my heart is telling me that establishing some sort of contact is "just the right thing to do", not as an act of love or friendship. I need to think about this more.

I will write more later on my feelings about all this..

[wap]

It does take a while, and believe me I am further down the line and I still have bad days. I think you go through periods of thinking you are over the person but you are not. Each situation is different. I think people feel that they have to stress to you that trying to be friends with your ex might be going down the wrong road, they are only trying to protect you : ) Everyone finds no contact difficult at the beginning but contact can be difficult too. It is hard because you get stuck in the middle and think well which way should I go. You really have to assess things yourself, of course we don't know your ex.

[valinors_sorrow]

and i dont believe it is my fault that someone needs to find his identity again!!!! that is NOT my problem !!!!!

Here is the key to unlocking some of it for you Rol. This really is partially YOUR problem since it did end YOUR relationship. See, if one is not happy, then its not really possible for the other to be entirely happy -- otherwise where is the connection, the compassion? Its okay to identify who's problem is who's, certainly. But you are sharing in the relationship and its an outright lie to say this is a good relationship when it isn't working for one of the participants. And it is very very rare that one person alone is contributing to a relatinoship problem. You might be asking yourself how did you contribute to this situtation? When did it start? How did it resolve? What specifically did I do to help or hinder it? Why did I get the outcome I did? If you don't ask those questions and get their answers, its just so incredibly likely you'll repeat this all again.

You can push it all off on the other person if you want but that says to me you two weren't sharing very much in the relationship. There was a you and a him but not much WE. See codependency is too much WE, independency is not enough WE and healthy relationships are a co-authored and co-enjoyed interdependency. You make a lot of noise about being such an independent type so maybe start looking there?

Some independent people tend to be like teflon and it makes it hard to connect with them. Maybe he was desperate to make more of a connection with you. Maybe he asked you to marry him hoping it would alter the relationship and when it didn't, he bailed. Not good maneruvers, I grant you, but I sense there was far more off track long before then that you two weren't asknowledging or talking about in a clear, upfront manner. This was no sudden thing -- it simply never is with anyone, in any relationship, short of a mental illness suddenly manifesting.

If you don't want to look, that's okay. In your own time or never -- its your choice. But forgive me, I cannot hide that I recognise what it means when I hear language that says "its not me, it can't be" a little too eagerly.

[rol]

<<This really is partially YOUR problem since did end YOUR relationship>>

OK I agree its partially my problem but that's about all I agree with in what you wrote!!

<<You can push it all off on the other person if you want but that says to me you
Weren't sharing very much in the relationship by being too independent. There was
A you and a him but not much WE.>>

Exactly the opposite in fact, there was too much we!!

<<Some independent people tend to be like teflon and it makes it hard to connect.
Maybe he was desperate to make a connection with you. Maybe he asked you to
Marry him hoping it would alter the relationship and when it didn't, he bailed.
Not good maneruvers, I grant you, but I sense there was far more off track long
Before then that you two weren't asknowledging or talking about in a clear,
Upfront manner. This was no sudden thing -- it simply never is with anyone,
In any relationship, short of a mental illness suddenly manifesting.>>

NOT at all!! OK I'm going to give you some of the history as it seems you don't really understand me at all and are assuming too many things.And I think you have it in your head that I am the kind that was trying to get him to marry me by flouncing around with other guys and exes. NOT AT ALL!!

OK when we met I was extremely independent and he was also, I had a lot of friends, people calling me all the time, doing many many things.
So we met , and after 8 months he moved to my town to live with me... So what did he get.. he got my life, my friends, my place, my life.
He forgot about himself and fell passionately for me.
Also the time we broke he had just got a promotion to director.

Here is some of the chat that I kept when we first broke.. for your reading... maybe it can help you understand.

[valinors_sorrow]

I didn't think you would agree with what I wrote Rol but that's okay. I need to say that I am uncomfortable with reading through someone else's chat or email, as I had said on other occasions here. It hits me as an invasion of privacy since we don't have his permission for this. Sorry but I only read your response and not the chat. If you can't explain this in your own words then perhaps we won't be able to correct any of my misunderstanding that you think is occurring. But let me at least say this from having read quite a bit of your own words so far. Even if the problems were largely because you attracted a codependent, or helped create one while being in a relationship with you--it is still your problem that you attracted/helped create a codependent. Everyone has a part in it, large or small, everyone.

The two most inaccurate and unproductive positions to take in any relationship are:
1. Its all my fault (plays the helpless card)
2. Its none of my fault (plays the victim card)

[rol]

OK that's fine, I deleted it again anyhow.