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paxe · Aug 26, 2009, 01:25 PM

Yep,
Healing does take time don't force it on you. Day by day it gets easier, especially if you take care of yourself. It hasn't been that long since NC, healing takes at least a good 2 or 3 month at least to start to get as good as before you went out with him. It may take more. But it gets easier day by day. Honestly, I hated sleeping at night but I would love waking up in the morning.
Every time I woke up, I had a good night sleep and my brain was able to pause itself from thinking about my ex.

bella99 · Aug 26, 2009, 01:31 PM

I'm just the opposite. I am OK to go to sleep at night (probalby because me and my ex didn't sleep well togethr - I kept him awake haha), but when I wake up and I'm alone I get sad.

I think I'm kind of on my way to feeling better. I mean I don't think about calling him or texting him or anythign like that. I haven't done any of that since August 1. I'm learning to ignore his Facebook. I still wonder constantly what him and his new girl are up to. That irritates me, but I'm trying not to think of it.

I wish this would speed up a little haha.

vanheart · Aug 26, 2009, 01:35 PM

That's exactly how I felt and still do at times.

I tell myself that my ex is no longer in my life & that she really doesn't matter anymore.

The more you wonder or try to find out stuff, the more pain you bring upon yourself. Its maddening at times.

A few weeks ago, I was so frustrated at myself for dwelling and not letting go, but it takes time. Don't beat yourself up, just be patient and work proactively on yourself.

Cause that's the most important person.

bella99 · Aug 27, 2009, 09:49 AM

I might have to see him tonight :( My friend's final going away event - and I want to go because it will probalby be the last time I see her for 2 years. She is going to text me to tell me if he goes. If he goes alone I am going to go and just stay away from him. If he goes with the new girlfriend, I told her I probalby wouldn't show up - maybe I'd go to the coffee shop next door and she could say hi - but I just don't want to see them together and get upset.

I kind of feel panicky right now even though that's not for probably 10 hours. I think it's the thought of potentially running into them anytime in the future that is making me feel like this. I wish it didn't matter to me but it does. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, but it still hurts.

I want her to be just as selfish, immature, and emotional unavailable to him as he was to me - even though I know that is spiteful - ugh that's how I feel...

paxe · Aug 27, 2009, 10:12 AM

Nah,
It's all right to feel like that, we all cope in one way or another. Don't go if you don't have to, invite her to a coffee or something. It's tough having mutual friends but as long as you do NC, you should be fine. Beside it's probably time to get new friends now and meet new people.

You're actually doing the right thing, waiting to get better before you date someone else. It's like a wound, you don't go back to work after you had one. I suggest you don't go but you do another activity, don't stay at home and dwell on it.
Don't underestimate how good you've been doing.

Jake2008 · Aug 27, 2009, 12:00 PM

I think you might be underestimating yourself.

I think that you should go, and keep the focus on your friend, who is far more important than your ex boyfriend should be. To be honest with you, if I were that friend, I'd be wondering why you need special circumstances in order to attend, and expect me to set them up for you.

He has a new girlfriend, and for whatever reasons, that seems like a done deal. Why is it easier for you to see just him, and not him if he's with her. Is it a matter of it hurts more if he's with her, and hurts less when he isn't? Or is it you can handle him alone, and be more confident in just ignoring him, or doing something simple, such as sayinging hello.

Is it a matter of you wishing to confront him alone? Are you expecting him to offer reasons this all happened? Would it make you feel better to call him out face to face?

Time isn't necessarily the only factor in getting over someone. Acceptance is. He is no longer your boyfriend, and no matter how hard you try, you will run into him at some point, so you may as well deal with him now.

I think the sooner you see him, and realize that you have enough inner strength and confidence not to do something you will regret, the better. And that would be him with his new girlfriend, nor not.

You give him a lot of power over yourself. His mere presence can stop you from attending an event. He doesn't have to say a word.

I don't know if you will ever be ready if you keep avoiding all these social functions.

What happens if it's a year from now, and you are seeing him for the first time in a year. I would think that if you haven't dealt with it, it would be as shocking, and as difficult as it is now.

I would love to see you just go! You don't have to stay long, but long enough to let him know he's not going to stop you from saying goodbye to a dear friend. That should be your focus, not him, not his girlfriend, not the past.

bella99 · Aug 27, 2009, 12:53 PM

I agree with you jake2008, I don't want to miss out on my friend because my exbf is there. I would rather go if he new girlfriend isn't there because it would be less painful to see him by himself than to see him all cheery with a new girl. I don't want to say a thing to him - I don't want to confront him or anythign - I just want to go and let him be. I wouldn't mind if she was there and I knew I could definitely if introduced to her be incredibly polite and nice and say "its really nice to meet you" and just be the wonderful person that I usually am (kill them with kindness thign). I don't want his new girlfriend to think I'm psycho, or anythign so if and when I do get introduced to her - I will be the super nice person - ugh I guess I just don't feel like dealing with it tonight.

I'm going to go no matter what - if she is there then so be it - I can do this - I'm a mature adult - and I want to say goodbye to my friend. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Tonight I'm using the tickets I bought back in march for his birthday to go see the eagles with some of my friends hahahahha - I guess its his turn to lose out. I'm not going to worry so much - I'm better than this.

Jake2008 · Aug 27, 2009, 01:03 PM

Bella, you really are going to come through this with flying colours. Think positive!

Try not to read anything into it that isn't there, just focus on your friend, and your other friends, and have some quality time with them. They are the ones that are still there for you.

One little trick I do, is put time into chunks to make things easier. Say the first chunk is getting in the car, and driving to the party. Then the second part would be going in the front door, and greeting everyone. The third part might be getting through dinner or the barbecue or whatever is planned, and so on.

When I have had stressful things to get through, it really helps me to think that, OK, got through the first two chunks, two more to go.

Good luck, please post and let us know that you put your best foot forward, and pulled it off with flying colours!

Annonimus · Aug 27, 2009, 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by I wish

A few things to keep in mind. Though no contact seems like a good idea, you have to understand why you need to impliment no contact.

First of all, you have this idea that you're going to be friends. So you've set some sort of expectation, which is prolonging your healing process. This is how the process works. You have to completely heal from the break up first and foremost. To heal, you need to worry about yourself. You need to take care of yourself.

If you feel that reminders of him is hindering your progress, that's when you impliment no contact. No contact is used because you are having a difficult time getting over him.

If one day you get over him, then you can try to be friends. But until you've fully recovered, you have to stop having the expectations that the two of you will try to be friends.

If you feel that you've tried everything to get over him, then you're going to have to take some more extreme measures. Here are some suggestions:

1) Since you have 40 friends in common and instead of blocking everyone, it's probably better to deactivate your Facebook until you get over him. Once you've recovered, you can reactivate it if you want. During that time you can keep in touch with friends via phone or IM.

2) Block him on IM and email, so that he cannot contact you. If you want, you can even change your phone number, so he can't call you.

3) You have to let your common friends know that you need to recover from this breakup, so you would prefer not attending the same social gatherings. So if your friends respected you, they will take that into consideration when inviting people out. Until you've fully recovered from the break up, you'll have to sit out a few social gatherings where he's present.

4) Hang out with more friends and family. Keep your mind occupied. It's easier said than done, but just find other hobbies. Meet new people. Just do something to get your mind off of him.

I'm sure others will have more suggestions. But you can start with these.

I agree with you :)

paxe · Aug 27, 2009, 03:43 PM

I don't agree with jake2008 here. It is not a game here about who is stronger or who has control over who. We are adults and we shouldn't play this game. She needs to get better and getting No Contact is the way to go. If she feels that she is strong enough to see both of them, then go enjoy yourself, if not don't put yourself into more pain.

bella99 · Aug 27, 2009, 10:35 PM

So, I went - just got home in fact. I got there before he did - then a little later he showed up with his new girlfriend. I just hung out with everyone - evetually since he was literally standing next to me I said hi and gave him a hug chatted for a moment then moved on. He never did introduce me but whatever. I'm glad that I went and I was able to show that I can have fun out with my friends and not scared to be out. They were kind of touchy feely but I have a few friends that understand what I'm going through and they helped me out.

Some of his friends told me they like me a whole lot more than her - so that was a good confidence booster.

I had fun though - and they left early, so for the last 2 hours I stayed out and had so much fun. I should have left around the same time they did because I have to work in a few hours, but I was just happy to be out with my friends - and I got to say good bye to my best firend.

I'm glad you told me to go Jake - I am going to continue with NC completely - I still don't want to run into him unexpectedly but I know I can handle it and leave if I have to. I don't want to avoid all of my friends forever. I still miss him, but really not much I can do.

Ugh :( good night everyone

friend4u178 · Aug 27, 2009, 10:41 PM

Good for you Bella , glad you had a good night and just goes to show you can do it... and with dignity :)

Well Done!

vanheart · Aug 27, 2009, 11:40 PM

Nice one, Bella. Makes me happy to hear that.

How strong & cool are you?

Keep it going. And yes, NC all the way.

Whoo hooo!!

Jake2008 · Aug 28, 2009, 01:43 AM

You did it Bella, and with grace and confidence. I'm proud of you. :)

kctiger · Aug 28, 2009, 05:26 AM

Bella I cannot tell you how proud of you I am. You acted in an mature and classy way that signifies the type of person you are. Bravo!! Here is to many more good times to come, because I can feel that you are going to be a great catch for some lucky guy one day!

jmw0713 · Aug 28, 2009, 06:01 AM

I think what KC really meant to say was you acted in a mature and classy was...

You did a great job holding yourself together and facing your fear. Now at least you know that you can still go out with your friends and not worry about seeing him so much.

bella99 · Aug 28, 2009, 06:04 AM

Thanks guys!

I still can't get him out of my head though :( Last night I had some crazy dreams with both of them in it - so I need to try to focus on something else. I still miss him and it hurts me that he likes this girl and can have more fun with her than me - at least right now.

He treated her last night in the "giddy-new relatioship" kind of way - the way he treated me when we were going out - but by the end of our relationship he was a different person. I envy her right now, but I know he tends to change. Oh well...

kctiger · Aug 28, 2009, 06:06 AM

Bella,

Give you a little perspective. Yesterday my ex e-mailed me out of the blue. First time we have spoken in nearly 4 months. She happened to do this one day before our year anniversary of breaking up, which is today. I have proclaimed I am completely over her and such, but I will be the first to tell you my heart jumped a bit when she contacted me.

We all sometimes have those feelings. I laid in bed last night remembering the good times we had together and almost cried. It is hard and it sometimes takes control over our emotions, so no worries. You handled yourself like a true pro. I am not angry about the break up anymore and I thank God I had the pleasure of getting to spend 4 years with a very special person, but this is life and we all move on. Keep on truckin partner!

jmw0713 · Aug 28, 2009, 06:14 AM

That's the double edged sword of seeing them out. All those memories and such come back and cycle over and over again in your head. It's good to get out and know how you will act around them, but the "hangover" from seeing them can be pretty bad.

When I saw my ex at the baseball game a few months back, I couldn't get her out of my head for the next 2 weeks!! It was pretty rough. I'm all better now. Just learn from this and so you know how to deal with it better.

The dreams are rough, but they will go away too. I went through a period of a months where I had constant dreams of her. They sucked. I would wake up in and in the morning still have her in my head...

I'm glad all that's over!

Don't envy her. She isn't the winner, you are! She just doesn't know what coming yet. The cycle will repeat.

You're still healing and feeling lonely. That's why you still put him on his pedestal and think she is the prize winner. Sorry, it's really the other way around. He is a loser and she now has to take care of him. You are the winner, because now you have the opportunity to find someone better.

Trust me you will find someone 1000% times better than him.

bella99 · Sep 2, 2009, 08:11 AM

Hey guys,

I've been in a pretty good mood the past couple days. Yesterday especially - I only sporadically thought about my ex. This morning was good, but the past half hour or so I've had that nervous feeling in my stomach again - it needs to go away.

I've been keeping busy though - work is really busy, MBA classes started again - trying to make plans for this weekend as it will be my birthday. I think I'm a little nervous about my birthday though. I wish he would be around - I guess I wish I could still invite him out for my birthday. Not sure if he will wish me a happy birthday or not - I guess it really doesn't matter. I guess I only really care if he does because it would show that he at least thinks about me once in a great while and didn't just forget about me when he started going out with this new girl. None of this should matter to me, but of course I still miss him.

I know we weren't right togheter, and there is someone out there that is better for me - but can't help but miss him anyway. Otherwise I've been doing good. I haven't checked his Facebook in a week -and other than running into him for a moment last Thursday I haven't talked to him since August 1st. All of that no contact stuff is helping. I also haven't been in touch with too many of his friends lately, so that they can't slip up and say anything about him. Trying to make new friends.

Argh! Just felt like writing because he was on my mind - I guess I'll get back to work now.