[88sunflower]

Here is another thought of mine. It seems we have two issues here. How your mother reacted to something she found in your room. Also it came out that your father has passed away. Honestly I don't think her anger is directed at you fully. I think its just coming across that way. I am sure for a fact she is angry with your choices. Parents are like that. You have to understand she is now dealing with this alone. What would have been minor anger before you father passed away is now going to be full blown anger. She lost her partner. No one to talk this over with and no one to turn to when she is afraid. I truly think if you can get her to open up the communication on these feelings it will be good for you both. You can explain your stress with work and school also. You only have each other now. You have to talk. If you keep letting her be angry and silent where will that get you? Just a bigger wedge between you both. She needs you just as much as you need her right now. If you can break that barrier I think you might be surprised how much the conversation will flow.

[tazma95]

I talked to my mum about working so much and not being able to get my homework done in the little time I have left she said she didn't know I had so much to do so she said if I don't quit my job she will talk to my boss her friend about cutting my hours down on the condition that I go see a councilor about taking the pills, why I was sleeping with a 21 year old and my additude. Im happy spending less time working but I don't want to go talk to someone, I don't really see what the point in that is. I don't think I have a bad attitude. But I don't want to upset her so I will go at least once anyway

[cdad]

i talked to my mum about working so much and not being able to get my homework done in the little time i have left she said she didnt know i had so much to do so she said if i dont quit my job she will talk to my boss her friend about cutting my hours down on the condition that i go see a councilor about taking the pills, why i was sleeping with a 21 year old and my additude. Im happy spending less time working but i dont want to go talk to someone, i dont really see what the point in that is. I dont think i have a bad attitude. But i dont want to upset her so i will go at least once anyway

Attitude is a matter of perspective. And right now your mother feels you not only have lost respect for her but also and more importantly for yourself. Talking to someone may give you the opportunity to explore yourself and your goals and to teach you how to better manage and balance your life. Just look at is as another class and also in making your mom happy by mending some of the bridges before they get burned. Your heading on the right track and I pray you have the strength to see yourself and your future. Your on your way to a new life and this is a first and very huge step to a winning attitude. Good Luck.

[88sunflower]

Great news on cutting down your work hours. Your to young to have that kind of work load anyway.

As far as the counselor, go. I went to a marriage counselor a couple years back. I also thought it was foolish. But you know what it was great. They are an outsider, like we are, looking in on your life. Hearing your story. They see things your missing. They can have your mother in the room also and together you can get things on the table. Counselors hear the story in a way your not telling it. You honestly can't fool them as easy as you think. I encourage it. You may even find your taking the pills for other reasons and using school and work as the excuse. I don't know I am just saying. Do the sessions. It will be good.

[talaniman]

Having someone to talk to, and LISTEN to you will help immensely, and move you to see things in a different way, and set your mom at ease that you are listening to her, and trying your best. That will bring you together, as things are already turning your way for the better, as she did listen about the work hours.

Do your part now, and don't stand in the way of progress. This is the path to getting what you want most, your mom to talk and listen to you, she wants to in the worst way, but she has to trust you first, and now you have the opportunity to restore that trust by co operating. You will learn much, and gain even more.

[Cat1864]

I am so glad you talked to your mother. I am even happier that she listened. :)

I know you don't see the point in counseling right now, but give it a couple of sessions. It isn't as much about the attitude, pills, and sex as it is a safe place to explore the feelings behind all of that including the anger and grief.

Good luck and remember that we are still here, too. :)

[GrandmaJ]

Wow, you all need to just stop harping on Taz. She may be 15 but it appears to me that she has a job and also carries a school work load. Taz, I was in your situation once and yes, she can charge your boyfriend with rape even if you did consent. Do you have a close adult friend (other than your boyfriend) you could talk with? Sometimes that helps. It's hard being a teen and I'm glad to hear that you are responsible enough to be taking the pill. However, you do live in your mothers home and are paying bills to help out. But even though you are mother/daughter you are also room mates who need to set down some ground rules. Mum's can be scary to talk too. Your mum is only watching out for your best interest. She is still responsible for you until you become of legal age. As how to get her to talk to you, well, that one's hard. It sounds to me like you have tried to talk with your calmly. Here is when I would see if talking to a close family friend would help. Sometimes mum's need another adult to help them understand what their child needs from them, and how to listen! Good luck :)

[Alty]

wow, you all need to just stop harping on Taz.

GrandmaJ, did you actually read the thread? No one is "harping" on Taz. In fact, we've been and continue to be very supportive of her.

[Homegirl 50]

wow, you all need to just stop harping on Taz. She may be 15 but it appears to me that she has a job and also carries a school work load. Taxi was in your situation once and yes, she can charge your boyfriend with rape even if you did consent. Do you have a close adult friend (other than your boyfriend) you could talk with? Sometimes that helps. It's hard being a teen and I'm glad to hear that you are responsible enough to be taking the pill. However, you do live in your mothers home and are paying bills to help out. But even though you are mother/daughter you are also room mates who need to set down some ground rules. Mum's can be scary to talk too. Your mum is only watching out for your best interest. She is still responsible for you until you become of legal age. As how to get her to talk to you, well, that one's hard. It sounds to me like you have tried to talk with your calmly. Here is when I would see if talking to a close family friend would help. Sometimes mum's need another adult to help them understand what their child needs from them, and how to listen! Good luck :)

You need to read the whole thread.
She has been sympathized with and helped tremendously, and by the end if this, if you get that far, you will see that things are working out quite well.

[Homegirl 50]

Wow you, your mom and this thread has come a long way.
Do your counseling. You'll be surprised by how much this will help you.
We all wish you well.

[tazma95]

Everyone has been really nice to me and gave me great advice, I think things would have been worse if I didn't find thid site thank you everyone.

[Wondergirl]

I'm a counselor and want to give you the same hint I give every one of my clients.

Here's what I say: "The counseling sessions are for YOU, not for me. YOU are in control. Everything is for YOU. That means if you are confused at what's going on, if you don 't agree with me, if you want to say something while I'm talking, or if you want a timeout, hold up your hand like it's got a stop sign pasted on your palm. That will be my signal to stop and look at you and wait for you to speak."

Taz, make a deal in the beginning with your counselor that you cooperate with him/her like I do with my clients. This will keep both of you involved in the counseling work, and the two of you will feel like partners. It will guarantee that you won't leave a session feeling like you've been misunderstood or not listened to or ignored.

Does that make sense?

[Alty]

Everyone has been really nice to me and gave me great advice, I think things would have been worse if I didn't find thid site thank you everyone.

It's a pleasure helping someone like you. If you hadn't been receptive to what we said, if you hadn't listened, accepted, and done the work we asked you to do, we wouldn't be here.

It's a two way street. We can't help someone that's not willing to get the help. You were open to accept that help, and I for one am very proud of you and all that you've already accomplished since you started this thread.

You're a good person, which is why we're all sticking around, and why we're all here to see you through this. :)

[tazma95]

I'm a bit worried about going to see a counselor I have no idea what to exspect when I get there. Or what I'm suppose to say. I want to make my mum happy by doing this and you all think it's a good idea but I'm not sure. Its easy to sit on the computer and type what's going on but talking about it with someone is different. I have an appointment on Monday and I'm not sure if I really want to go. I wanted to talk to mum about it but I don't want her to think I'm just making excuses not to go and get mad. I don't know what to do I get really nervouse and shy around people I don't know.

What exactly happens when you see a counselor? I find it hard just to talk to someone I don't know.

[Unknown008]

Don't worry, it will be all right. The counsellor will ask you some questions and you just have to be honest. He most surely know his job (if that's a he) and knows what to ask you in the best possible way to make you at ease. Of course you'll be nervous and shy at first, but with time you'll see that you'll get more at ease and you'll feel relieved.

As you say, typing what's going on is something, and talking about it is something else. When you'll be talking to the counsellor, you'll feel even better. Also now, you will be slowly regaining the trust of your mum.

Don't worry, it will definitely help you much more than you can think of :) You have already gone quite some way in the process of rebuilding a good relationship with your mum, just go on moving forwards and things will turn out right!

Good luck and don't give up! :)

[talaniman]

It may be awkward at first but, as you get familiar with your counselor, you will get quite comfortable.

Just be very, very honest, as this is between the two of you.

I too have been very impressed with your open mind, and think you are a good person, just a bit hurt right now, but your healing started when you reached out for help. That was a great, responsible, adult choice you made to be honest, and not an easy one.

Despite your past mistakes, you have great potential, and I am very proud of you. We all are. We will still be here with you through this whole thing give you as much support as we can.

[88sunflower]

I have to say in my opinion I think a counselor is better then we are here. Only for the reason being its face to face. He/she can read your body language and expressions while we can't. We only see these words and can interpret them in any way our mood sees fit that day. That can't happen in a session. Personally I liked it. Just answer openly and honestly. Its amazing all the doors it can open once you start talking.

[Wondergirl]

As a counselor, I always started the first session by just chatting with my new client about school, pets, favorite foods, the best vacation ever taken, etc. -- like two strangers on the bus or at a sporting event. The sessions usually last 50 minutes, so as I noticed the client getting comfortable and smiling and having a relaxed face, I would ask, "How can I help you today?" or some such question.

Almost always somewhere along the way during one of the sessions, I would hear, even from the men, "I feel like I've found a new friend." Of course, I didn't want to be just a "new friend." I wanted to be the best friend they had ever had -- one who could not only listen and empathize, but one who could help them make goals and solve the problems that were vexing them. I didn't want to push MY solutions on them, but help them examine all their choices and decide on the best solutions for themselves.

Being a counselor is like helping a client put together a 500 or 750 or even a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. Sometimes the pieces don't fit together correctly, so we have to rethink which piece goes there and try a different one... or another one. In the end, both of us want to end up with a beautiful picture.

[Alty]

im a bit worried about going to see a counselor i have no idea what to exspect when i get there. Or what im suppose to say. I want to make my mum happy by doing this and you all think its a good idea but im not sure. its easy to sit on the computer and type whats going on but talking about it with someone is different. I have an appointment on monday and im not sure if i really want to go. I wanted to talk to mum about it but i dont want her to think im just making excuses not to go and get mad. i dont know what to do i get really nervouse and shy around people i dont know.

what exactly happens when you see a counselor? I find it hard just to talk to someone i dont know.

I used to feel exactly the same way you do.

When I first came to this site, I asked a few harmless questions, made a few friends, and then, one day, I decided to tell everyone on this site about my past.

I started a thread about it, let all my feelings, all the crap I'd gone through, pour out. It wasn't easy, because I had made many friends here, I didn't feel as anonymous as I did when I first joined the site, but I was still anonymous. All the wonderful people on this site pooled together to support me, like we're doing for you.

The main response from most of them was for me to get counseling. I hated the idea. Like you, it was easy for me to talk about it all here, anonymously. I didn't think I could talk to a counselor face to face.

I put it off for a long time. I thought just coming here to talk about it would be enough. Don't get me wrong, coming here helped tremendously. The people on this site are the best people I've never met. I adore every one of them.

After a few months, I realized they were right, so I gave counseling a chance.

I still have past issues. That will never go away. But, because of counseling, I've been able to deal with things I've put off dealing with for 35 years. Counseling has helped me a great deal.

The first few sessions were the hardest, and I'm telling you right now, it can take some time to find the right counselor. I went through 3 before I found the one that was right for me. Once I found her it was smooth sailing. It took some time for me to open up, but once I did, once I realized she would never judge, she was only there to listen, and to guide me, then it became easier.

The best advice I can give you is to be yourself. Be honest. As your counselor, everything you say to her is confidential. She cannot ever tell a soul about the things you discuss. If you let it all out, if you're honest not only with yourself, but her, then you'll get a lot from the sessions.

I can say without a doubt that I'm a much better person emotionally, and a much better mother, because of the counseling I've gone through.

I still see her on occasion. It's not a regular thing anymore, because she's helped me so much that I don't need to see her all the time.

Give it a chance. Be open to it. I really do think this could help you a great deal.

[martinizing2]

Taz,

I am in very late here and really can't add to the excellent advice you been given by this great group of people you have been involved with here at this site.
You hit the jackpot here which I think by now and by your response you too realize what a bunch of wonderful caring people they are.

What I really want to say is how impressed I am with you.
At 15 to be holding down a job and staying in school is terrific.

But when you had a problem, you didn't just rebel and run off to throw your life away like so many do.
You sought help.

And when you started getting input you didn't like , you still listened and kept bringing up points of your own to counter.

Then you absolutely amazed me and acted on the advice you were given.
You have shown maturity way beyond your years and I am sure you will see the rewards now, but even more so in the future.

With your intellect , attitude, and ambition I think your future is going to be extremely bright.
Thank God you can listen and have the courage to act.
Thank God for people like you that care enough to work on finding solutions that will be good for all involved.

The only thing I will add is that I refused counselling when it came to a point in my life that was traumatic.
I was against it 100%. But I finally relented and found it to be extremely rewarding.
I now think everybody should go.
It can be one of the best things that has happened for you.
Give it a chance.

To all that have posted here :

It is threads like this that me proud to be involved with you all.
You have all gone above and beyond and I think made a real difference in a life that is worth all the time and effort it has taken , and may still take.

God bless the entire lot of you.