[rol]

Hi There,
Thanks,
Ye are great , ye really understand. This is such great help...
Went for a long walk last night it cleared my head.. and started wondering why I am worrying about him so much, so decided NO CONTACT is the way! Otherwise we would be exactly back to where we were last May!! Now is the time for reality and to focus on just me. I printed out all your advice and reread it over and over again last night so slowly its sinking in:)

NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT:)

[Wildcat21]

Exercise is key!! Always.

I was doing research last night and came across some good thoughts - your EX won't come back until you're over them - they need to see you have a great fun life -you can get alone with out them.

You have to get over them - that's part of the 'no contact'.

No contact is so key because you work on yourself. You grow, you learn.

[rol]

ThanKS wildcat,
Yeah I completely agree no contact is key, even in 2 days I feel so much better since I had that dire need to contact after my birthday.

Now I'm focusing on me, and doing fun things again, going out tonight with 2 friends and this weekend going away for a fun weekend.

Any other bits of info you think of to add to my research will be good :)

Thanks :))

[Geoffersonairplane]

I would like to add though that since coming here i have become aware of such issues in relationships. Many people never realise what the problem is because they jump from one to the next, never really taking time alone to understand what went wrong and how they can improve themselves. I really think this is an important part of any break up.

Quite true.. It is an important time to reflect on what went wrong and what part you had to play in the events leading up to the breakup. It is easy to bleam the one who ends the relationship and not focus on improvements in yourself.

Not relating this to you Rol but to everyone in a breakup and I think Skell makes a very good point here. I really do believe that going from one relationship to another without acknowledging this could lead to a series of patterns..

[Geoffersonairplane]

[QUOTE=Geoffersonairplane]It is easy to bleam the one who ends the relationship and not focus on improvements in yourself.
QUOTE]

Sorry, I meant easy to BLAME not bleam.. Perhaps I should start using voice recognition software..

[valinors_sorrow]

I have forgotten who wrote this poem but I found it useful in turning some necessary corners whilst growing up:

"After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company isn't security.
Kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.
So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.
You learn that with every good-bye comes the dawn."

[rol]

I have forgotten who wrote this poem but I found it useful in turning some necessary corners whilst growing up:

"After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company isn't security.
Kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.
So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.
You learn that with every good-bye comes the dawn."

Awww its lovely.thanks.

[rol]

Im just going to add info from time to time here to update how I'm feeling and how the process is going(hopefully in a few years I can look back and laugh at it all)

So I'm feeling OK, I'm not constantly looking at my phone anymore.Im busy and getting used to be alone again , its like rewinding time by 3 years as when we met I was very happy by myself and had a full happy life. So I'm happy I'm getting back to this point again.

This morning however I began thinking again how perhaps I should have been more patient and not asked when I did that evening and it could have led to more, but then again it was 5 months of "friendship" so I believe it was time to know something. Plus why should he have my friendship etc when I told him from the beginning I did not want to be "just friends". That was not good for me and now we need distance away from each other .

So I shall stop thinking for now and just focus on me.

[Geoffersonairplane]

So i shall stop thinking for now and just focus on me.

It is easy for others to tell you not to think about it and start focusing on yourself, but easier said than done.

The answer is Yes, this is what you MUST do but you will get times where this is simply not easy and you will feel like you are back to square one.. It is part of the process to move backwards and forwards like an emotional yo-yo..

Believe me, it's happening, big time, to me...

So im feeling ok, im not constantly looking at my phone anymore.Im busy and getting used to be alone again , its like rewinding time by 3 years as when we met i was very happy by myself and had a full happy life. So im happy im getting back to this point again.

This is exactly how you need to move forward, I was single and happy for 5 years for the most part before I met my ex and so used to it that loneliness was not something I thought about. When you invest emotionally so much into a relationship, when it ends suddenly, it can be a bit of a shock when you are forced into a situation of feeling alone again and not be happy about it. It takes time to adjust to this.

This morning however i began thinking again how perhaps i should have been more patient and not asked when i did that evening and it could have led to more, but then again it was 5 months of "friendship" so i believe it was time to know something. Plus why should he have my friendship etc when i told him from the beginning i did not want to be "just friends". That was not good for me and now we need distance away from each other .

It is best not to dwell on what you have or have not done in the past as it won't change anything about your current situation. You are 100% on the money regarding the friendship, you want more than friendship. It would have been unhealthy to continue a friendship with him when you want more out of it than he does. You do need distance from each other and once time has passed, it will put things into better perspective for the both of you.

[rol]

Thanks,

Yeap I need to forget about the past... and focus on now which reminds me of a nice saying.

Yesterday is history, tomorrows a mystery, today is a gift that's why they call it the present.

[Geoffersonairplane]

"Dream as though you'll live forever, live as though you'll die today" James Dean

[Wildcat21]

"To day is the best day of my life"!

[rol]

Well I'm feeling fine recently and now instead of asking Could a man want a life alone, I find myself asking Could I really want a life alone... I guess this is what no contact does, really puts things in perspective...
I can see now how I changed from a totally independent ,free,girl to a somewhat love addict!!
Now I feel I am back to who I was before all this love happened and it is a good place to be. I guess this is what also happened to my ex who was also a free travelling type before I met him. We just became such changed people...

Well I don't think I ever want to have that adicted feeling again, I remember how I would feel sick if he had to take a plane or something and how we would miss each other so much after a few days away.So now I am not so sure if I ever want to live with someone again... How to people really manage to keep their own lives in a relationship while living together? Any thoughts on how to keep your own identity alive? I guess being busy and doing your own activities etc, but still... im wondering if the perfect relationship for me would be just to live in separate places and see each other once a week!!

Actually finally I'm so glad we didn't marry this year , I would have never have known how it was to be "me" again...

[talaniman]

Any thoughts on how to keep your own identity alive

Knowing who you are, and what you are about, is most of the challenge and the confidence to explore yourself to get better. It all start with loving yourself enough to take care of you. By the way I read your original post from October 22, and you have changed your tune a bit I see. You've come a long way in a month! Well done.

[rol]

<<It all start with loving yourself enough to take care of you.>>

True... my problem is though I can not really think about just me... especially in a relationship... Guess it is something for me to really work on..
(Actually that is what my ex told me about himself also. This is so strange in 1 month I find myself completely agreeing with all he said and it is the exact way I am feeling now.. perhaps as I was behind him in the healing process I had not understood any of it before now)


<<You've come a long way in a month! Well done.>>

Thanks and most of it is thanks to you and these wonderful boards.. I think I would have gone back to contact in the week after the breakup if it had not been for this place and I would never have got to this point of understanding that it was good that this breakup happened..

[rol]

<<Knowing who you are, and what you are about, is most of the challenge and the confidence to explore yourself to get better. It all start with loving yourself enough to take care of you. >>

I like these words a lot , thanks, wanted to rate it but can't spread the rep ;-)

[Geoffersonairplane]

my problem is though i can not really think about just me...especially in a relationship......Guess it is something for me to really work on..

Hi Rol,

I am glad that you are making progress, it is great to be part of a network of people who are all going through or have been through similar situations. It is good to see people progress and to help them when they feel like they are slipping back.

Yes, I think the breakup in your situation was a positive thing as it gives you the opportunity to work on yourself an example of which is shown in the quote above. I do think however that what you have said here simply paints a portrait of an unselfish person. The flipside to this coin is that it is not healthy to only think about oneself in a relationship...

As you know, it is a question of balance and I suspect that this is where you are coming from rol.

Anyway.. Good to hear that you are getting along o.k.. And I must say that the advice you have given in other threads I have read has been very good, you are passing on what is working for you from experience.

[DESTINATION]

Hi there,
anyone who cares to help but i have seen alot of posts by wildcat and skell about this...
My fiance recently broke with me as he wanted to be alone after 3 years together, aged 32 and 33,i became his passion and he forgot about himself , so after seeing each other as friends for the last 4 months we finally broke up properly last week, he loves me but needs to be alone to find his passion for life and as i was his first girlfriend to live with he gave too much of himself. I am an independent girl and always kept my own life but i guess he was so much in love and forgot himself and his life became my life. He wants to stay friends but i told him how i told him from the beginning i cannot just be friends that i need all or nothing..So now im trying to find myself again and get new interests , meet new people... Is it possible he could regret sometime, could a man really want a life alone?

Any help would be great,Thanks.

Check out the site www.lovetactics.com.. will give u betteradvicethan anybody can here... TRUST ME!!

[talaniman]

check out the site www.lovetactics.com ..will give u betteradvicethan anybody can here...TRUST ME!!!!

Take your checkbook.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Take your checkbook.

Ditto this..