[Homegirl 50]

She does this to you to get a reaction and she gets one. Stop responding to her. No contact whatsoever, then she will stop. People can only use you if you continue to let them.

[enigmagnetic]

Homegirl50 tell me what you think? I email her very scarcely I wait to respond for several days to a few weeks, and I'm very disconnected how could she see that she is getting a reaction from me? From her side I would gather that I've moved on, I mean I rarely email her and when I do I'm extremely vague. Do you really believe this is what she sees?

[Homegirl 50]

Dear Smoothy, Homegirl 50, Chery, and Ash123



Now, Homegirl 50 I think you're going too far. I did care about her. I didn't SET out to change her. It's not like it was premeditated, you're kind of painting me out to be much worse than I was. I didn't set guidelines for her telling her she had to be this way or I would leave her, she merely was never there for me, so I would ask her to be, and I would give her advice she would refuse. I agree with the insecurity bit on my part. I was insecure then, but it wasn't totally unfounded and it was cultivated in the long run. I was also slightly delusional with paranoia but I mean I admit to these flaws. I actually haven't said "if she is unhappy it is all her fault" and if you read carefully I am far from vengeful and spiteful and I think you saying that is unjustified. I appreciate your opinion homegirl 50 but I don't agree with all of it, sorry. Nor did I take her back when she came back to me saying she couldn't live without me slightly after the breakup. In fact, I might add, your post is a bit defamatory and hostile which I can't quite understand it's cause. I don't mean to be rude but you're not really giving advice you're basically just stating how bad you think I am, how does that help? As far as taking responsibility this whole post is littered with my acknowledgment of my ignorance. It's almost like you didn't read the whole post. Anyways thanks for replying everyone, take care!

Cheers

I don't mean to make you seem like the bad guy, but you keep saying she is this way and that and yet you admit yourself you think you'd want her back. Why?
And acknowledgment of ignorance and acknowledgement of responsibility are two different things. If she is as bad as you say she is, then leaving her alone, whether you should answer her text should not even be a question.
The problem is not her. She is who she is, the problem is your not letting go of her. I don't mean this in a rude way, or in a way to make you seem like the bad guy, but if she is as bad as you say she is, then you need to let her text you to her hearts content and then let it go.

[enigmagnetic]

I don't mean to make you seem like the bad guy, but you keep saying she is this way and that and yet you admit yourself you think you'd want her back. Why?
And acknowledgment of ignorance and acknowledgement of responsibility are two different things. If she is as bad as you say she is, then leaving her alone, whether or not you should answer her text should not even be a question.
The problem is not her. She is who she is, the problem is your not letting go of her. I don't mean this in a rude way, or in a way to make you seem like the bad guy, but if she is as bad as you say she is, then you need to let her text you to her hearts content and then let it go.

If you haven't read it or seen it or if I haven't said it I will say it now, I'm flawed, I became a bit of an alcoholic at the end of our relationship. I conquered that now but it was an issue then. I was insecure and unable to interpret my emotions properly. I tried to change her which was another mistake I regret. I've made enough mistakes which I've brought up. The only thing that I'm concerned with now is what it all means now.

1. Does she really care? Or is this a tactic of manipulation and deception on her part just, like you said, to get a rise out of me? (big one)

2. Could we be friends and how do I bring that up?

3. Why contact me in the first place? ( to which me and others have proposed she's unhappy with her own life)

4. How can I handle this righteously, fairly, without injury and to show her that indeed I'm a good person after all? (I know some will say it doesn't matter what she thinks but It's more for me than her)

I don't get why she is emailing me considering how she can really have any guy she wants, I used to have to fight them off, especially at clubs where they would blatantly hit on her in front of me. I don't get this fully and I'm slight obsessive compulsive or maybe majorly. Thanks.

[Leidenschaftlich für Wahr]

She is doing what a lot of girls do when they have gotten out of a relationship. She's using you as a tool to make herself feel better. She may get back with you for a little while but in the end it won't happen, she just wants to know that she has a hold on you so she can feel more like a 'wantable' woman.
Don't be a boy toy, tell her to leave you alone

[enigmagnetic]

Your incredibly difficult to pronounce name may foretell truth although I might say that is quite a blow to my optimism :(. Call it as you see it though ms umm fur wahr. Thanks for your comment.

[Homegirl 50]

You don't need to prove anything to her. You have changed, you know it. You are a better person, you know it. Your concern should be keeping yourself together, not worrying about her.
It could very well be that she just wants friendship or she cold want more, or she could just be being bi*tchy.
This is what you do, when she calls, tell her "I am trying to get my life together and I don't really have time for games. So why are you calling me?" Tell her that you have used this time to learn things about yourself and you are growing, and that maybe she should do the same.

[Sad Soul]

She is doing what alot of girls do when they have gotten out of a relationship. Shes using you as a tool to make herself feel better. She may get back with you for a little while but in the end it wont happen, she just wants to know that she has a hold on you so she can feel more like a 'wantable' woman.
dont be a boy toy, tell her to leave you alone

Yep.

She's usuing you to make herself feel SAFE somewhere. But this is the catch: she will never make you feel safe.

I'm proud of you because you have shown that you can protect yourself. All the changes you made in your life are things that she is trying to pretend she can match, but like those chicks that put up endless pictures on Facebook from bars and places they go, her stories of "my life's great" aren't selling.

You can do so much better. Maybe if she changes one day, you two can date again, but right now, she's below your level. You need to be with a woman who is your equal.

[enigmagnetic]

Yep.

She's usuing you to make herself feel SAFE somewhere. But this is the catch: she will never make you feel safe.

I'm proud of you because you have shown that you can protect yourself. All the changes you made in your life are things that she is trying to pretend she can match, but like those chicks that put up endless pictures on facebook from bars and places they go, her stories of "my life's great" aren't selling.

You can do so much better. Maybe if she changes one day, you two can date again, but right now, she's below your level. You need to be with a woman who is your equal.

Thanks, I've tried hard to change. I had a list I taped to my bedroom door so I saw it every day when I went out. Corny as that my be, it works for me. At first I thought I might want her back, initially, then I contemplated it and I thought maybe friendship, but now I think I kind of have to stand up and be strong again and just let go altogether, again lol. Strange as it may sound I thought I was keeping her in limbo considering my disconnection. In any case I appreciate your responses.

P.s. Ms. Fur Wahr, I beg to differ dear, I don't believe I'm ramen noodles, I think you meant T-bone :P

[Leidenschaftlich für Wahr]

P.s. Ms. Fur Wahr, I beg to differ dear, I don't believe I'm ramen noodles, I think you meant T-bone :P

Lol that's why I added the subtle (to her) there ;)

[Homegirl 50]

Homegirl50 tell me what you think? I email her very scarcely I wait to respond for several days to a few weeks, and I'm very disconnected how could she see that she is getting a reaction from me? From her side I would gather that I've moved on, I mean I rarely email her and when I do I'm extremely vague. Do you really believe this is what she sees?

You are still responding. She still has you. Stop answering her e-mails PERIOD. When you stop responding to her, she will stop contacting you.

[Matteus]

Chuff Chuff... man, it seems to me like you hate the whole world. Take it easy bro. why do people need the wrong side of a superanalyze? They hear that, and they believe chuff is all right. Chuff is the god. Ok, she was what she was. He is what he is. But in the end. I don't understand one point, in every post you made. You never try to judge the "victim". He is a victim of himself. He awaits from the relation to bring him joy, happiness, loyalty, honesty, or whatever, and he gives everything. Common, we all are different people, aren't we ? We can't change people, but we can be adapted. Right? The question in here is, she is a girl who she is, and she isn't a whore or something like that. She sees things in her way. He was not a challenge anymore for her, he was open in every damn point, and he was expecting her to be open in everypoint. He can't deal with that, and he accused her of cheating?? Even if she was cheating. Nobody wakes up in the morning saying I'm going to cheat on my boyfriend today!! There is absolutely a reason. The reason is him. He should take responsibility of his own behaviour. Relations need challenge, relations need male and female. And he was a "female" male, with his behaviour, or as I like to call, a wuss. He didn't gave her what she wanted. CHALLENGE< AFFECTION< ATTRACTIVENESS< FLIRT... THIS IS PART OF THE WORK IN A RELATION! You want to have the dog in your house? Than give him eat, otherwise he will go and eat somewhere else! Instead he gave her the wrong meat - his heart..? ONCE YOU GIVE THE HEART, YOU GIVE EVERYTHING! AND THERE IS NO MORE ATTRACTION! HE WAS NOT A MAN IN THIS GAME! THE WHOLE PART OF A WOMAN IN THIS GAME IS TO WIN HIS HEART. THAT WAS THE CHALLENGE. SHE WON THAT, AND NOW. BYE BYE. Why the heck she didn't cheated on him the first year?? Because there was challenge, affection, attractiveness, flirt. Right? Once she had everything, it was gone, she didn't felt like that anymore. And people can't control their feelings! People can't say I'm going to feel for this guy. Or the opposite. Im not saying she is an angel. Im just judging HIM! I tell you something, that I think it happened! He said her time after time "i love you", "i love you"... Why? Just to have her approval and to control her thoughts. And on the other side, she knew he loves her, and she took him for granted. SO HERE WAS NO CHALLENGE IN THE GAME, FOR THE GIRL TO STAY! HE forgot the rules man, and its his fault!! He thought OK, we have the relation now, and we do not need anymore challenge, or flirts, or whatever, so I'm going to be completely open. Take an example. You see a movie. Its awesome... its more awesome because you don't know how is going to end. If you could see the end since the beginning, that movie is no more longer attractive. Do you get my point ?

[Ash123]

Enigmagnetic,

you are the perfect candidate for professional counseling. your solipsistic existence is only broken by your fixation on your paramour of the past.

It is not real. You strike me as someone who has not had a lot of experience with women and are now hanging all your hopes on one. Until she asks for more, you must let this go... look at my post many days ago. Nothing has happened differently.

Furthermore, your insecurities fuel a need for control. And when this relationship - or the hint of a relationship lingers just out of your grasp and out of control - you spin wildly.

You must FORCE yourself to move on... NOT JUST SAY IT. But do it. NOT JUST AGREE FOR A DAY... But for 6-8 months.

The world is not the place you can mold. And your "bit of alcoholism" again is another roundabout way of saying... you were a total wreck - and are becoming one again. Let your feelings get worked out.

Get help man. We all need it one day. Now is your time...

Go travel or meet someone new... FORCE yourself OUT of your comfort zone - and onto a date or adventure with new friends or you will be stuck - for life.

[Matteus]

Enigmagnetic,

you are the perfect candidate for professional counseling. your solipsistic existence is only broken by your fixation on your paramour of the past.

it is not real. you strike me as someone who has not had a lot of experience with women and are now hanging all your hopes on one. until she asks for more, you must let this go....look at my post many days ago. nothing has happened differently.

furthermore, your insecurities fuel a need for control. and when this relationship - or the hint of a relationship lingers just out of your grasp and out of control - you spin wildly.

you must FORCE yourself to move on....NOT JUST SAY IT. But do it. NOT JUST AGREE FOR A DAY....But for 6-8 months.

The world is not the place you can mold. And your "bit of alcoholism" again is another roundabout way of saying....you were a total wreck - and are becoming one again. Let your feelings get worked out.

Get help man. We all need it one day. Now is your time....

Go travel or meet someone new...FORCE yourself OUT of your comfort zone - and onto a date or adventure with new friends or you will be stuck - for life.

Absolutely true! Enigmatic, you are your own victim. Girls need a MAN, not victims! I mean, no one needs victims. If she asks you about your life, tell her you are going to have some consult about yourself and your fears about life! You get my point? You put the ball on her hand, you "manipulate" her opinion on you by telling her that you are going to change, and not because of her, but because of yourself, and the third point, you tell her that the door will remain open! And than you MOVE ON with your life, and I really suggest you make a consult about relationships, about such behaviours, insecurities, fears, everything, and be a better man!! IMPORTANT< BE A MAN! At this point, she will know that if she wants to come back, she will find someone completely new, somehow perfect. I mean, you have your bad side and your good side and she already knows them. Now you are going to repair your bad side, which is your fears and insecuritys, your co-dependency, and all the rest. BUT DO NOT GO AFTER HER, AND TELL HER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO BE A BETTER MAN BECAUSE OF HER!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A BETTER MAN BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTOOD YOURSELF! SO, JUST TELL HER THIS, AND Disappear! LET HER COME AFTER YOU IF SHE WANTS. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE HER PATH BY KEEPING IN CONTACT WITH HER, OR EVEN FLIRTING WITH HER, OR WHATEVER.

[Matteus]

You are still responding. She still has you. Stop answering her e-mails PERIOD. When you stop responding to her, she will stop contacting you.

Wowowow, what is here... and you are supposed to be a girl? Don't you understand? She doesn't want him out of her life (like my ex didnt), and he doesn't want her out of her life. He just need a little push on the right track. And if you think, the right track is just stop the contact, I'm sorry girl, you are a big loser, just because you don't even try to win! You just see black and white... and this dissapoints me. What I say he needs, he needs to change her opionion, even by "manipulating" that opinion. The girl was stuck with his behaviour, that's all. She was bored of such "male-female" behaviour. A man is someone SECURE, ATTRACTIVE, A CHALLENGE FOR THE GIRL! He was not, and he lost his attractiveness because of his insecurities, and a couple of other things. He is his own fault. HE NEED TO CHANGE!

[Matteus]

She does this to you to get a reaction and she gets one. Stop responding to her. No contact whatsoever, then she will stop. People can only use you if you continue to let them.

She used him?? Where? How? When? I don't get this.

[Matteus]

I don't mean to make you seem like the bad guy, but you keep saying she is this way and that and yet you admit yourself you think you'd want her back. Why?
And acknowledgment of ignorance and acknowledgement of responsibility are two different things. If she is as bad as you say she is, then leaving her alone, whether or not you should answer her text should not even be a question.
The problem is not her. She is who she is, the problem is your not letting go of her. I don't mean this in a rude way, or in a way to make you seem like the bad guy, but if she is as bad as you say she is, then you need to let her text you to her hearts content and then let it go.

I betted you are going to say this. He is not letting go of her... The girl sent him a mail, and he is the one who is not letting her go... what the heck. Don't you understand ? She can't come like "oh hello dear, im here, sorry for cheating on you, how have you been, lets go another round". She left him because of his fears and insecurity, and now she is afraid of his fears and insecurities again. Common, why its so complicated, I don't understand?

[Matteus]

I think she likes you as a friend but senses you have self-confidence issues.

She is kinda right.

Look for a woman you can be yourself with....she is not that girl. If you could date her casually, she would probably do it, but as a life partners you all are not a good match. She thinks you are a bit insecure.....But again, she does like you. But wants her freedom still. I cannot predict the future, but right now she is testing the waters but is not 100% sure....which is normal.

Ruling: Move on. And have her as a friend when you can handle it being finite.
Do not dream of long weekends in bed and long conversations by the pool, and
at cafes....Not now anyway. You too seem to make eachother uneasy. Also, if you have a drinking issue, I would consider easing back on it. It makes you angry apparently.

Guess what. That's exactly what I was saying... She is afraid of his insecurity. She has a bad opionion of him. What does he need to do? Tell her he is going to change. HE WILL HAVE THOSE ISSUES WITH EVERY GIRL, IF HE IS NOT GOING TO CONSULT.

[Matteus]

Dear Smoothy, Homegirl 50, Chery, and Ash123

Now, Homegirl 50 I think you're going too far. I did care about her. I didn't SET out to change her. It's not like it was premeditated, you're kind of painting me out to be much worse than I was. I didn't set guidelines for her telling her she had to be this way or I would leave her, she merely was never there for me, so I would ask her to be, and I would give her advice she would refuse. I agree with the insecurity bit on my part. I was insecure then, but it wasn't totally unfounded and it was cultivated in the long run. I was also slightly delusional with paranoia but I mean I admit to these flaws. I actually haven't said "if she is unhappy it is all her fault" and if you read carefully I am far from vengeful and spiteful and I think you saying that is unjustified. I appreciate your opinion homegirl 50 but I don't agree with all of it, sorry. Nor did I take her back when she came back to me saying she couldn't live without me slightly after the breakup. In fact, I might add, your post is a bit defamatory and hostile which I can't quite understand it's cause. I don't mean to be rude but you're not really giving advice you're basically just stating how bad you think I am, how does that help? As far as taking responsibility this whole post is littered with my acknowledgment of my ignorance. It's almost like you didn't read the whole post. Anyways thanks for replying everyone, take care!

Cheers

I know I will have the same status as Homegirl50, but I hope you got my point. Ok, your insecurity was cultivated in the long run... I understand... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU? I really don't understand? Are we talking about a man or a woman? A MAN Shouldn't BE INSECURE, NEVER EVER! HE SHOULD BE DECISIVE. IF THE GIRL WANTS TO GET OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WAY, LET HER GET OUT, IMMEDIATELY! OR BETTER, PUSH HER AWAY OF THE RELATION. LOOK AT HER REACTION THEN... SHE WILL THINK SHE IS NOT WORTH OF YOU, AND YOU STILL REMAIN THE CATCH! THIS WAY YOU TELL HER YOU ARE A MAN AND GIRLS GO AFTER HIM, I MEAN YOU ARE THE CATCH AND NOT THE CATCHER, OR SOME DOG ON THE STREET WHO GOES AFTER HER, AND EVEN TRIES TO CHANGE HER WAY. No you putted some slush over her opinion about you, and you have to "wash" that by trying to change yourself! ITS ALL ABOUT YOU!

[enigmagnetic]

OOOh, plenty of discourse. This will require a good dissection when I can break free from my hectic life. No worries, I would say that I'm doing quite good now. I am in full control of myself and I am working on the co-dependency and other things. I'm not seeking her out and there are some misunderstandings especially with how I was towards her. I will be back later to try and answer your posts. I will say this though, while I was very insecure back then, I can honestly say I've made great progress in the time I've been alone. It's been 6 months now since we broke up so my thoughts are different. I've been to therapy. Also, something I've never mentioned, I upheld the break up months ago. She did come back telling me how she could not live without me and I said we had to remain broken up because we both were effed up so to speak. In any case, I will go into detail later. Cheers.