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sfgiantsfan916 · Sep 27, 2007, 01:19 AM

Hey I know what you're saying, I just got out of a 4 year relationship last week.. I just keep up with sports and hang out with people and keep myself around others to keep me from feeling lonely.. that's the only thing that hurts

madaman · Sep 27, 2007, 10:40 AM

I think overcoming this challenge will be the hardest thing I've had to do in life, and I'm actually excited to think about how much smarter I am going to be once I get rid of all these emotions thinking about the past.

For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm finding myself and who I truly am (its funny because that's what she said she had to do, and then left for another guy) and it feels great. I can't think of a bigger kick in the butt than something like this.

Now if only she would stop coming back and visiting me all the time in my dreams and thoughts. I am going to try to learn to meditate, to attempt to clear my mind and thoughts but I don't even know where to start for info on that.

sfgiantsfan916 · Sep 27, 2007, 10:05 PM

Originally Posted by madaman

Now if only she would stop coming back and visiting me all the time in my dreams and thoughts. I am going to try to learn to meditate, to attempt to clear my mind and thoughts but I dont even know where to start for info on that.

I know what you're saying. Every night I dream of her as well. The other night I had a dream that we even had a halfway decent conversation on the phone. A good way I found to rid your dreams of her isto fall asleep watching a movie. Its good though that you're almost getting over it though, finding happiness again where she left it.

madaman · Sep 29, 2007, 10:17 PM

I know that you are supposed to let your grief out and not bottle it up, but I'm wondering if there is a line you can cross. I feel like I think about her too much, and I'm really feeling despair about the whole situation. I just don't know if I'm doing it to myself or if its perfectly natural. Im just worried that there is some sort of loop you can get stuck in that will prevent moving onwards, I really don't want that to happen.

MissingHim2Much · Sep 29, 2007, 11:04 PM

If its not normal then I am crossing the line too. I still think about him all the time. No matter what I do.

talaniman · Sep 29, 2007, 11:28 PM

Originally Posted by madaman

I know that you are supposed to let your grief out and not bottle it up, but im wondering if there is a line you can cross. I feel like I think about her too much, and im really feeling despair about the whole situation. I just dont know if im doing it to myself or if its perfectly natural. Im just worried that there is some sort of loop you can get stuck in that will prevent moving onwards, I really dont want that to happen.

It is good you can recognise the difference between the things you cause, and the things you have no control over. Many think that because we know what to do as far as moving on, sometimes our feelings won't let us. Many of us need counseling to guide us through the process of letting go. When we are hurt, it is natural to grieve the loss of comfort, and we do with time. Letting go of a live person is so much harder it seems, and takes a lot of work. Time helps but no way do you get away from the fact that you have work to do. Just my opinion, but most of us that cannot move on, have other deeper issues to deal with, but we have no clue as to how. That's the dilemma we face as we must know what the root problem is and take the correct action to solve it. There is no shame to be stuck on stupid, where our heart is concerned. It does take time and healing.

talaniman · Sep 29, 2007, 11:34 PM

If its not normal then I am crossing the line too. I still think about him all the time. No matter what I do.

Geez, give yourself a break!! After all the years you have spent with your B/F, You have a mighty big hole in your soul to fill. It takes a lot of time. A lot of time.

MissingHim2Much · Sep 30, 2007, 07:31 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Geez, give yourself a break!!! After all the years you have spent with your B/F, You have a mighty big hole in your soul to fill. It takes a lot of time. A lot of time.

Thanks tal, And you are so right about a hole in my soul. That's exactly how I would describe it. I think I'm just being a little impatient about my healing. Ive taken all the steps suggested like no contact and Ive asked everyone that knows him not to tell me anything he's up to or doing in his new life. I just need to remember that it's going to take longer then a couple of months to get past the constant bombardment of memories and pain.

star3114 · Sep 30, 2007, 07:45 PM

I want to congratulate you on your road to recovery. Getting her out of the house was a big step and it was the right thing to do. Don't be so hard on yourself about the whole situation. She is the one that needs a reality adjustment. You mentioned that you daydream about your future together. A future with this girl can not be a good one. Even if she reforms her ways, somewhere along the way, you will never be able to fully trust her again. Trust is a huge thing in a relationship. You are so much better being without her and although it hurts right now, it will get better. You are doing all of the right things. Now all you need to do is be patient with yourself. Healing from break ups isn't an overnight thing. If it was, we would not have the opportunity to learn from the experience to make a difference for the future. From every bad situation like this, there is always something to be learned. You seem like you are a very perceptive person. In the future, follow your gut instinct. They generally do not lead you astray. Also, give yourself a pat on the back for being on the road to recovery. You will get there, it just takes time.

madaman · Sep 30, 2007, 08:43 PM

Thank you for your words of encouragement, it always helps to hear that Im not completely lost on the road to recovery. I think I think about her maybe 5 less minutes every day, but eventually that will be 0. I can't wait. It really helps to not have any real mementos around the house to remind me of her (I boxed up everything she gave me or we bought together for the house and gave it back to her when she moved out) but its so weird as well. Its funny how much stuff has gone wrong in the last week and it hasn't phased me at all, I'm not sure if its good or if its bad haha (broke both pairs of glasses, big rental increase, and have been given 15 days to pay some debts of mine). I don't know if its all the 'think positive' books I've been reading, or I'm just numb to it all.

madaman · Oct 1, 2007, 05:09 PM

Today has been a really really weird day. I know in my mind a month ago I told myself I could take the next month to grieve it all and get it over with. Today was the last day, and I feel surprisingly well. I hope the feeling sticks (tommorow would have been our 1 year aniversary).

For the first time in the last 2 months, when I start thinking about her/the situation in my mind, its like I'm looking at it through frosted glass. The details that hurt so bad aren't as detailed, the faces are blurry and the memories are fading. For the first time in 2 months I was able to focus on my work for more than 3 hours without needing a 'break' (time alone to feel like dirt).
I would really like to thank all of you who have posted some great advice, and I would also suggest to everyone else to LISTEN to the advice these people are giving you! I know at first I read the advice, but didn't apply any of it. I didn't start healing until I make a real effort to heal. I know I will probably have a relapse and be back here asking for more help but its so great to have this place to talk.

star3114 · Oct 1, 2007, 05:40 PM

I am so happy for you. Keep up the road to recovery and keep us posted!

friend4u178 · Oct 1, 2007, 07:15 PM

Good on you Madaman , I'm real glad YOU can see your own progress!

madaman · Oct 2, 2007, 07:27 AM

Today is off to a horrible start...

Today would have been our one year anniversary. Today is also the last date that I have tied to her in my mind for anything. So it will be nice to get it over with, but I dread the thoughts that will come today. Of course the day was started with a dream of me and her running into each other and talking about why the breakup had to happen... I hate dreams! Im trying to turn it around and be positive for the rest of the day. If I can do it on a day like today, then every other day will be a breeze.

Do I ever miss her though. :(

friend4u178 · Oct 2, 2007, 04:05 PM

Days like anniversary's etc. will always make you feel a little empty , that's normal so don't think you are going backwards with this. Soon you will have more good days than bad and before you know it you will be having a lot more good days so just keep it up with NC and get that little bit better each day. I bet next anniversary you will look back and see how this all happened for the best. Keep your chin up mate :-)

madaman · Oct 3, 2007, 09:25 PM

The day after the anniversary, doing OK.
Its weird, the movies in my mind are slowly turning to still photos over time, and the photos hurt a lot less. I think its really sad that it had to come to this (ie forgetting about her) but what choice do we have in the situation. Im scared that I'm going to get stuck in the depression stage, I really long for the day that I am OK. I still miss her a ton. Bah.

madaman · Oct 4, 2007, 04:37 PM

Ok I have a weird question to ask those who aren't going through this right now.
What do you think about if you aren't dealing with a broken heart? Its been 2 months of constant thoughts about my ex, and I really just want it to stop. Is it just a matter of replacing her thoughts with other ones? I honestly don't remember what my thoughts were like when I wasn't dealing with this. I look around at people not going through this, who are happy and I try to imagine what their thoughts are like. I know in time I will get over this/her, but there is still parts of my mind that don't want me to.

I know people say that who you are is defined by how you can handle these types of situations, and I want to make the best of it. Is extended grieveing considered a bad thing? I just can't see this going away any time soon, but I don't want to keep it going longer than it has to. Ive admitted to myself that what I had with her will never return, so I've moved past that point. Im just missing her right now (just the her that was around when we were dating).

I doubt this post made any sense, but this is the sort of trainwreck that is going on in my brain constantly.

friend4u178 · Oct 4, 2007, 04:42 PM

Madaman
What you are going through is the normal (for want of a better word) process. Don't stress about it. TIME is all that it takes believe me. As more time goes by the less you will start thinking of her. And you will smile again and be happy so start focusing on that time , it will come.

talaniman · Oct 4, 2007, 05:44 PM

Its been 2 months of constant thoughts about my ex, and I really just want it to stop. Is it just a matter of replacing her thoughts with other ones? I honestly don't remember what my thoughts were like when I wasn't dealing with this.

Excellent question and not at all weird, click on the links in my signature for some excellent insights and I will add that it's the hard work your willing to put in on yourself, that will determine how long you have these thoughts. These thought are so normal and the posts I have for you will explain a lot and give you the tools to succeed. That and NO CONTACT! Good Luck and bring your questions back here after you have read both posts.

madaman · Oct 4, 2007, 05:50 PM

^^ you have no idea how many times I've read those two posts. Usually every day in the morning.

Its nice to know I'm not deviating from the normal course of healing. It is tough to know that yourself, because all you feel is pain (although it is LESS pain).

The one thought Ive had is, I'm wondering if I will always be the one who gets dumped (or cheated on in this case). Is it a person to person thing, or changes ? Ive just been doing some inner reflection and I am wondering if maybe I hang on to the end until they have to do it? I think back to the relationship I just got out of and I saw many signs that it would have to end eventually (one being the fact she was a HUGE flirt even in front of me) and many many other issues. Ive since learned that you can't fix crazy, which is a lesson I will remember for the future.

I would hate to just dump my next girlfriend to prove this trend wrong haha. I read some other sites like askmen sometimes, and I really don't want to be the type of guy that they tell you to be. I also don't want to be dumped again and again though. There has to be some happy middle ground right? Id like to believe that this is just a part of 'growing up' and its what makes people into who they are later on. When I look at the big picture like that its not so bad, but when I look at a picture of her (only in my mind, they are all gone) it sucks.