Ask Me Help Desk - Left me for someone else.

So I've read 100's of questions and their answers on here, and while they helped I figured I would throw my own story out here. I guess I already know what the answers are going to be but it might feel nice to type the story out one last time.

We dated for 10 months, lived together for last 3-4. It was the best 10 months I've had (well the first 9) in a long long time. There was never a problem, no fights etc. She was so infatuated with me that I was worried what would happen if I ever had to break up with her. 2 months ago, she gets a new job working at a warehouse, and within a week becomes slightly distant. I hope its something else, but I slowly get the signs that she's losing interest. We go on a vacation on the long weekend, and she's on her phone texting her 'aunt' all weekend, and guarding her phone with her life. We come back, and the next morning her phone rings while she's in the shower, I take a look and I'm blown away by the message I see. Its from someone she works with telling her that he has the 'hotel room' booked for sept something or other weekend. Curiosity gets the best of me, and there's a couple other from this guy leaving no doubt about what's happening.

I confront her about it and she lies for a good 3 hours (man she's good), crying saying she wasn't going to go through with it, how she was going to tell him to screw off, how he's disgusting etc. Seriously 3 hours. I tell her that she has to move home for a while as I'm pretty hurt by how far it made it anyway. We part somewhat amicably, but the next night she sends me a text saying 'i want to come home so bad baby' and another one 'I think I'm ready to do anything to prove how much I love you'. She then 'proves' it by not answering her phone after work nor coming home like I thought she would. She comes home the next day at 3, and is a different person. She goes on a rant about finding herself, blah blah, and we pack up her car with most everything we can fit. (I am pretty upset at this point but trying to keep my composure). We don't talk for 5 days, and then she phones me saying she really wants to talk, and I ask her about what because I was sick of the drama. She says "i really want to get back together etc" and comes over later that night. She comes over, starts crying and says "I hope you didnt think I came over to get back together" (which blew my mind) and then she goes on telling me she has been with the guy (yes sexually) for the last 4 out of 5 days. I don't think I've ever been so hurt in my life. I knew it was done, and she leaves after an hour of HER crying. The thing that hurts I think the most is that she picked up with this guy within the hour of leaving me. They have been in a 'serious' relationship since.

I stop calling her after that aside from one drunk angry phone call, she moves her stuff out and I start down the road to healing. About a week later she phones me at night, telling me her car is 'dead'. I ask her what's going on and she was in a car accident (karma I will never doubt you again). After finding out what happened and that she wasn't hurt, I let her know to not call me again, and to call her new boyfriend since that's his job to take care of her now and not mine. I know that gave her a huge shock, but I meant it. Its been about 12 days now and its been great not talking to her, because every time I did I went back to day zero.

The stupid thing that's driving me crazy though, is the fact that I still miss her, and think about her a lot. I don't have anything to latch on to anger wise except for what she did in the last couple weeks of our dating. I know I could never take her back (my family/friends/myself would hate me) and it would show a complete lack of respect for myself. Her true self came out near the end there, and it scares me to think about what other stuff she's lied about because she did it so smoothly. I just can't get her off my mind though and its driving me insane. It's like I want her to come back, even though I know it wouldn't work anyway. I want to train my mind to instantly change topics every time I think about her, but its an uphill battle.

Leave the past behind and get stronger alone with no contact.

It is an up hill battle and it's going to take longer than 12 days. You are on the right track though. Be proud of yourself for being strong. It's been 7 weeks since my ex boyfriend left me for someone else and I'm not even close to being over it. I'm not a zero anymore but I'm at best at a 2. If the scale is 0-10 then looks like I have a long long way to go.

cαn you sαy psycho... she's here there everywhere-- mαke sure she tαkes her pills with her αnd let the door hit her where the good lord split her...

She lies, betrαys, αnd cheαts on you-- hun you cαn do better... even α lonely old mαn cαn do better.. omgsh I would sαy run.. put her stuff in boxes αnd leαve them outside so you cαn αvoid contαct..

Wow-- 10 months not so bαd though imαgine some people go through 10 yeαrs of this..

Good luck buddy--- you'll be wwwαααyyy wαααyyy better off without her-- WAY!

You did the right thing for sure. You respected yourself and got rid of someone who disrespected you.

Just stay on the course you are on now. Hang out with your friends and do "Your" thing. Pick-up some old hobbies or get some new ones. Go to the gym. Do you.

Just know that it only natural to miss her. She was part of your everyday life and now there is a little void where she used to be. But she didn't deserve to be in your life after what she pulled.

If she calls... don't pickup. If she comes over... tell her to go away. If she sends you an email... respond and tell her to eat sh&t. She lost the right to be heard. She doesn't deserve anymore of your time.

Josh

Unfortunately some folks get hooked into the wild ride of the highs and lows of these terrible relationships - adrenaline junkies/control freaks, etc. and miss it when life goes to normal.

you don't deserve her!! You won't sleep and wake up the next morning and there u forgot her , nah it won't happen like that , it will take a while , it will hurt , but you can do it
you've gone 12 days without her u can hold on for more than that and eventually u will forget her , as far as you don keep contact with her you'll get over her and after your over her and all that stuff you'll find the "one"

good luck!! =]

Yeah her stuff is gone and has been for I think 3 weeks, she's off the lease, her email/# are erased, MSN blocked etc I haven't 'seen' her for a month luckily. I think I'm more angry at myself for the fact that I still miss her after what she did, than her. I don't like the fact that I still think about her every minute. It makes me feel... weak? I don't know if that's the right word.

I have been focusing on myself the last few weeks, something happened the last few days that made me have to start again, don't know what. Ive gotten a new car, made new friends, gotten into better shape, and am registering for school soon. Still tough though, and as horrible as it sounds it makes it better to know there are millions of people going through this right now.

Also I'm getting into the 'how did I not see her for who she was' back when I met her phase. It scares me to think my judgement was so poor. But at least maybe next time I will see(aka not ignore) the warning signs (and there were plenty in hindsight).

Well now you hαve gotten wiser.. now you know whαt not to do or how not to seek in your next relαtionship..

Do yourself α fαvor though.. be single for α while --αnd hαve fun!

Quote:

Originally Posted by madaman

Yeah her stuff is gone and has been for I think 3 weeks, shes off the lease, her email/# are erased, MSN blocked etc I havent 'seen' her for a month luckily. I think im more angry at myself for the fact that I still miss her after what she did, than her. I dont like the fact that I still think about her every minute. It makes me feel ... weak? I dont know if thats the right word.

I have been focusing on myself the last few weeks, something happened the last few days that made me have to start again, dont know what. Ive gotten a new car, made new friends, gotten into better shape, and am registering for school soon. Still tough though, and as horrible as it sounds it makes it better to know there are millions of people going through this right now.

Also im getting into the 'how did i not see her for who she was' back when I met her phase. It scares me to think my judgement was so poor. But at least maybe next time I will see(aka not ignore) the warning signs (and there were plenty in hindsight).

They say that people when are in love are "blind" so maybe you had that , I don't know
Its pretty good thought that you didn't talk to her in about a month that's good , think possitive and it will work out and you'll move on :)

Your in love with who she was or who you thought she was. The longer you hold on to your obsession the longer it will take to move forward. The person you were with is not the same person as she is anymore.

No contact will work miracles for you. Best to delete all forms of contacting her, msn, Facebook, phone numbers (stops those drunk calls), emails + all reminders of her and presents or photos. We all have different periods of mourning and it make take you a longer or shorter time but life will get back to normal! Hey there's even lots of benefits to singlehood. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Time to pour all the love into you now.

Quote:

Also I'm getting into the 'how did I not see her for who she was' back when I met her phase. It scares me to think my judgement was so poor. But at least maybe next time I will see(aka not ignore) the warning signs (and there were plenty in hindsight).

You've aleady learned something that will help in the future, and now be patient with yourself, and stay busy rebuilding your life without her. In time you will feel great, and be wiser for the experience.

I am really glad at what I've learned in the last year, and I know I will be a much better person later on. Its just getting to that point that's going to be the battle. The NC thing isn't going to be a problem, I have seen the effects of breaking it during a previous breakup. Ive always over analyzed everything all my life, this is the one time I need to find a way to stop.

The one problem I have is that I make some progress mentally, and then slip back down for no known reason. I almost feel crazy that I could miss someone who could do this to me. Its like I should be angry, and move on because I found out who she really was, but I can't do it like that. Does this even make sense?

Im considering therapy because this is getting ridiculous. I know I have issues from growing up that may be contributing to how bad I am reacting to this situation, which might be why I can't make any progress.

Quote:

Originally Posted by madaman

The one problem I have is that I make some progress mentally, and then slip back down for no known reason. I almost feel crazy that I could miss someone who could do this to me. Its like I should be angry, and move on because I found out who she really was, but I can't do it like that. Does this even make sense?

Makes a lot of sense and believe me it's perfectly normal , we have all been through this phase , don't fret madaman this phase will pass as well , but time is the biggest healer

Im considering therapy because this is getting ridiculous. I know I have issues from growing up that may be contributing to how bad I am reacting to this situation, which might be why I can't make any progress.

If you think that could help , or even just make you feel better by all means have therapy , certainly can't hurt

Quote:

Originally Posted by madaman

The one problem I have is that I make some progress mentally, and then slip back down for no known reason. I almost feel crazy that I could miss someone who could do this to me. Its like I should be angry, and move on because I found out who she really was, but I can't do it like that. Does this even make sense

Hi madaman, It makes sense to me, I'm going through the same thing. I make progress and then slip back. And feeling crazy for missing him after what he's done to me, I know exactly what that's like. But maybe its just a normal part of the healing process. But hey I look at it this way, I have every right to miss what I had with this man. I invested a lot of years and they were good ones. What he's done now can't take away my good memories. Those are mine forever.

So how do you really gauge your process? I feel 'worse' sometimes, but compared to the first month, there is no way that its on par, since I'm able to talk to people at work without stumbling over my words. I go back and read what I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago and I don't feel the same way, I guess that's progress?

I think I may be mentally not letting myself let go of her though, it's a real battle to just not think about the good times, which then lead to the 'why' question. What I wouldn't give right now to have complete control over my mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by madaman

So how do you really gauge your process? I feel 'worse' sometimes, but compared to the first month, there is no way that its on par, since im able to talk to people at work without stumbling over my words. I go back and read what I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago and I dont feel the same way, I guess thats progress?

I think I may be mentally not letting myself let go of her though, its a real battle to just not think about the good times, which then lead to the 'why' question. What I wouldnt give right now to have complete control over my mind.

Hi madaman
Yes you are making progress and the Journal idea is a good one. Thinking about the good times is a natural reaction and with time that will also subside , however try not to concentrate on the good times at the moment , think about what she has done to you and how she has made you feel , that sort of person doesn't deserve your efforts ot thoughts.

Play the whole tape, the good and the bad!!

I agree, it is important to not just look at the good moments. I don't know if it's a good sign or not, but I'm just getting sick of thinking about her in any light. I tell myself I won't think about her today, but as you probably know its impossible.

My biggest thing is that anyone who would do this to me isn't worth the brain time, but its really hard to make that thought stick.

One sign of progress is that I used to mark down each day without talking, now I can go a day or two without remembering to mark the days down. Can't wait to just forget to do it outright. Its still unbelievably tough, but I look back on the pain from a month ago and this is only a fraction thank goodness.